I’m I right to feel annoyed

[Nanniecarol]

I’ve asked my family to come to us for lunch on Christmas Day.
my daughter said that’s fine but that her husband wants to cook the lunch.
I was completely offended by this

Given your update, that's rather different. Dear SIL, thanks but no thanks.

Just say no then based on him taking too long and being drunk, not sure why the kids can’t play with their toys though?

Following your update, just say thanks but no thanks!

Just an excuse to drink and have you look after his kids. Nice.

Sounds like a way to get out of the social side of things and stay in the kitchen.

Just say you want to have the meal at a set time so rather do it yourself.

Might be interesting to ask your daughter what she wants. Probably, I would go with the thanks but would enjoy doing the lunch myself. However, I would definitely give him a task to avoid sulks, such as Eggs Benedict for breakfast, Christmas Day supper or in charge of drinks

My DH loves to cook Christmas dinner and do does my son-in-law they came to loggerheads when we had Christmas at my MiL's (who was in hospital,) it wasn't pretty

Whic matters most? Spending the day with your daughter and grandchildren, or making the roast yourself in your own home.

It’d fine to tell them that you want to cook, but it would also be fine for them to decide they’d rather stay at home.

Your house, your rules.
If you can't reach a compromise (he prepares the nibbles/puds ahead at his home and brings them along for example or you make the meal components and he is in charge of the roasts and the gravy etc) just say that the invitation is for them to attend as guests, but you understand if they would rather stay at home.

As someone who has been to many Xmas lunches cooked by a bad bland cook...are you a good cook?

I'd rather wait longer for a good but tipsy chef to cook than have to eat my family member's dry depressing lunch ever again. We've tactfully offered to share the load, be the cooks, have them at ours for years and were repeated forced to eat the unseasoned dry miserable food because they insist on cooking.

I would be quite offended by this as I think it implies that he thinks he's a better cook than you. I would also hate to have anyone else taking over my kitchen, particularly if they were cooking a special meal like Christmas lunch.

@Nanniecarol

Could you say that it would be lovely if he made this year's Christmas Pudding and Cake, to bring with him on the day?

That way, he has the opportunity to contribute to the day but won't get under your feet.

You could let him heat up and serve the pudding too, I suppose, giving you the opportunity to enjoy the main course and have a glass of wine.

Ah! It would be a big no! And wheel him out after dinner, don't be shy at showing him the door!

I once had a friend of my ex come over and cook a meal in my kitchen for all 3 of us. It felt like a massive imposition

Exactly what I thought.

As others have said thanks but no thanks!

No way would I let someone get drunk while cooking . You;d be on edge wondering if he's going to waste the food , cause a massive accident (hot pans and sharp knives and hot oil with a drunk )

Do you need to tip-toe round him or can you say "Yes you can cook but lay off the booze " ?

We have a lovely friend who plans a great menu, and delivers a fantastic meal. But it's always late, always.
Before children this was often entertaining in a I don't normally drink this much but ok. So after a long week at work, no lunch, no nibbles but massive amounts of booze till dinner finally arrived.
It actually stops being entertaining. You start having to guess how much to pre-load food and if you don't drink it becomes really dull.
Sobar, the meal is never as good as you used to think it was.
We stopped visiting with kids.

DH would also pull the volunteer for anything but childcare card during the holidays. Partly so he got the praise from changing someone's tyre but mostly because he found childcare demeaning as in women's work and he didn't want to make the effort or be seen being either bad at it or ironically good at it, like he was under the thumb back at home.
I'm channeling DH's father's voice here.

After checking the details why not enjoy the fact someone else has cooked the Christmas meal.

Yeah, I wouldn't have that! I'd say he could bring desserts and a starter, but I wouldn't want someone drunkenly cooking in my kitchen on Christmas Day - I'd bet my house you'd be the one cleaning up after him.

Is the toys thing that BIL won't let them open their presents until after dinner?

Fantastic! We really want to see our family at Christmas but after cooking Christmas dinner for them all for 30 years, we’ve told them they can all pitch in and cook this year. - which they’re more than happy to do.

You don’t even need to ask. Sit back and enjoy.

It may be the part of Christmas that he really enjoys. In which case it could be they may choose to stay at home if he can’t do it, as long as you’re ok with that you can do it whichever way you want. It’s a bit strange to say that you’ll cook when it’s someone else’s home unless you’re trying to help them which obviously isn’t the case here. So it’s obviously important to them this tradition stands.

If he cooks every year, and doesn’t want to let anyone else do it, then that’s clearly the bit he enjoys most about Christmas. So it’s nothing to do with your cooking not being up to scratch and nothing to be offended about.

It’s the price you pay for having Christmas with your daughter and grandchildren. It’s not ideal, but have a big breakfast, put out lots of nibbles, let the grandchildren play with their toys and let him get on with it.

Tell her that then.

Just say no.

People need to get better at saying no.