Whose responsibility is it to think of gifts to give people?

[Tulip8]

Is it the giver of the gift? Or is it the receiver and/or their parent/spouse?

Every year the in laws (multiple!) ask me what to get the dc and dh. Links/specific items wanted. The Dc are older teens/adults now and I just dont have that many ideas to give people. In previous years I've given the few ideas I have thought of out to people and been stuck on what to by them myself.

But they go on and on! It starts in September asking and asking! Why is it my job to tell them what to buy? I feel bad because I want dc to have nice gifts and I don't want anyone to waste money but I honestly don't know.

Also to add, DH is much better at gift buying and I am slightly peeved that because I'm the wife, they message me.

It isn't your job.
'No idea, you'll need to have a chat with them if you don't want to choose something'.
On repeat for as long as required.

If it’s the in laws / dhs side I often reply breezily ‘not sure myself, it’s so hard isn’t it?! I’ll ask dh to have a think’

It’s frustrating isn’t it!
We don’t have ch so definitely not on the same scale as you, but every year my mum asks what to get my boyfriend. I find it hard enough to think of things to buy him from myself, so it’s just another thing to think of.
However I feel I can’t really complain as all through my 20s I used to pester her to tell me what to buy my grandparents, it’s like this is payback 🤣

To add, ours are little. I’ll happily switch to the ‘you’ll have to ask them’ when they are older. My parents recognise the load of parenting and don’t add to it by asking me for ideas, which is wonderful.

Ohhhh this royally pisses me off.

What do I get your DS, or the other one, or DD?

What can I get your mum? Just buy it and I'll pay you back.

I know what I want from your uncle, so can you buy it, and give it to him to give to me?

Just buy presents for the DC then give them to me to wrap and I'll give you the money later.

FUCK OFF!

I am memorising the responses on this thread.

My DM and MIL have asked what to get for DD but I appreciate it as it means I know she's not getting stuff we don't want or multiples of the same thing. She's 18 months so can't ask for things for herself and I don't want a house of tat if people are left to their own devices!

DH's side of family = refer to DH.
My side of the family= if I have an idea that's fine, I'll happily share. If not, I suggest if they can't think of anything then so-and-so would like a voucher from X shop.

I think when they're little it's fair enough. Often as parents we choose for them, or might have more of an idea about what they'd like than the dc know themselves.

But I have grown freaking children who aren't even here for me to ask! I have to forward on the messages to find out. It's just more work for me.

I know what you mean. It's infuriating on the one hand but on the other it does mean we don't end up with a load of tat no one wants. It does piss me off when dh's family ask me what go get him because he doesn't ever reply to their messages.

DS1 (12) recently texted his uncle to say thank you for his birthday present. Uncle has asked DS1 what he’d like for Xmas. DS1 (after wailing that he had no ideas) has accepted I’m no longer the middle man. Hurray! Can your DC not be commissioned to talk directly to their grandparents. I am encouraging regular contact with ‘trusted adults’ and this is a happy byproduct.

They are 21, 19 and 17. Two of them are at uni right now. They can talk to whoever they like 😂

Good grief! Surely their grandparent want an excuse to chat to them? I know mine did when I was late teens.

I know right! It's pure laziness as far as I'm concerned.

It seems to be my job to think up ideas for everyone 🙄

It was easy when the dc were small - everytime we were in a shop I took a photo of whatever they had got attached to so that we could leave without tears, and at Christmas I just went through my camera roll.

But then somehow I managed to become responsible for everyone. Even mil asks me what she should get for dh. And the dc are teens now and completely inscrutable.

Last year I had the dc draft wishlists in price categories and then just referred to them. And I told everyone else quite bluntly who was spending what on them and to come up with a suggestion because otherwise they were getting cash.

But even that is a massive pain.

It seems I am in the minority, but this wouldn't actually bother me. Largely because I think it avoids wasting time and money buying stuff that isn't wanted.

In your case, I would ask DH/DC to set up an Amazon wish list that they can add to as and when throughout the year, or suggest gift cards for their favourite store/coffee shop/restaurant.

I always tell MIL she needs to speak to her son. With divorced parents I already have to think up two lots of suggestions for my own side, never mind his

Pisses me off no end. I don’t mind if they have an idea and want to check it’s not something dc have already or to see if I think it’s a good idea. But that’s never what happens. I have to come up with ideas for three sets of grandparents.

One will buy what I suggest plus loads of extra things so I don’t know why they needed my idea in the first place.

One will ask for ideas then not buy suggested item and I have to get the present later because poor kid still needs a pair of wellies or a dressing gown or whatever it is I suggested.

One set haven’t seen my kid since he was a baby so it’s extra annoying. I give them a great idea and they get the credit.

Once my kids reached mid-teen years I said "oh they'd really love some money to go shopping with" and refused to engage further.

You just have to be inept and useless. This always works for men, no?
Suggest soap and socks.

IME it’s usually seen as the responsibility of the person in the giver/recipient/close-family-of-recipient circle who is female and has the least free time and the greatest existing mental load.

I may be coming across as bitter

My mum wants a detailed list with links 😩. She says she's worried she'll get me something I don't like.

It pees me off because I can't just say I want slippers and let her choose them, I have to provide details of a specific pair I want. Where's the thought?

My mum has gone from a position when my sister and I were small that the merest hinting about what we’d like was “grabby” to pestering us both for lists for us, our husbands, our children, our pets… it sounds so ungrateful because she just wants to get the right things, but it makes getting presents into another chore for us!

Yes this!! Mine are older now but drove me to distraction and why they always (in laws) ask me and not DH !!

This is a personal pet peeve of mine.

We have three kids with birthdays between September and January so I’m already having to think of double the amount of presents for all three. MIL always pesters me for gift ideas which realistically means I have to not get them a few things I was planning to. She then usually doesn’t even end up bothering to get what I’ve suggested and gets them something ridiculous and they don’t end up getting the thing I know they’d love that I’d sacrificed from my own list.
I’m pushing for gift vouchers/ money again this year. She ignored me last year but I hold out hope for a Christmas miracle.
It’s really annoying.

Ugh it's ridiculous isn't it.
I get pestered this time of year too for birthday and Xmas gift ideas like I'm some sort of oracle on the matter. I have no idea what to get them myself as they don't need or want anything.

Same happened one year I gave up one of my great gift ideas to MIL which she then didn't get and one of my DC was upset as they thought they would get that thing. I never did that again!

Now I suggest vouchers, or actually speaking to the recipient (my DC are 12 and 14 and can speak for themselves).