Whose responsibility is it to think of gifts to give people?

[Tulip8]

Is it the giver of the gift? Or is it the receiver and/or their parent/spouse?

Every year the in laws (multiple!) ask me what to get the dc and dh. Links/specific items wanted. The Dc are older teens/adults now and I just dont have that many ideas to give people. In previous years I've given the few ideas I have thought of out to people and been stuck on what to by them myself.

But they go on and on! It starts in September asking and asking! Why is it my job to tell them what to buy? I feel bad because I want dc to have nice gifts and I don't want anyone to waste money but I honestly don't know.

Also to add, DH is much better at gift buying and I am slightly peeved that because I'm the wife, they message me.

Responsibility lies with the gift giver. The receiver or close family/friends can give tips but shouldn’t be expected to or asked repeatedly, that’s just rude!

If it helps, the opposite is equally infuriating. My in laws refuse to discuss what they would like for Xmas, when asked they say either nothing or anything. No one will be shocked to hear that neither nothing or anything is actually acceptable 🙄

The consequence is that no one gets something they actually want.

The giver.

That is the ENTIRE point of a gift is the thought and effort.

If you remove thought and effort you have given someone a chore with financial reward. Like a kid doing homework to get pocket money or sweets.

Im baffled by your post.

You say they receiver shouldn't be expected to give tip or be asked repetitively... then you ranted that as a giver you repetitively ask the receiver and are then mad that they don't give tips that you expect them too.

All those with kids firmly told us they wanted cash after the age of about 10.

TBH it got a lot less fun present buying once they weren't little anymore so I was quite relieved.

So either just insist on cash to go towards a bigger present or name ridiculous pieces of tech for everyone eg they all want a new iPhone and a MacBook Pro.

I imagine you’re baffled because you didn’t read it?

I said they shouldn’t be asked repeatedly. If someone has said ‘oh I really don’t know what my son wants’ why continue asking? But I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask. I certainly didn’t say ‘I repeatedly ask my inlaws’, just that in all the birthdays and christmasses I’ve known them, they’ve never engaged in conversations about gifts and it’s so counterproductive.

What I find weird with my in-laws is their complete resistance to it. They just don’t do talking about gifts. What they’d like, what they might get the children, what would you like?

When the children were small it meant there were often duplicates “oh she already has one? Oh I wish you’d told me” “well
i didn’t know you were getting it mil”. People were also very disappointed to receive nothing despite actively saying ‘don’t buy me anything’ (note, not saying ‘I don’t know what I want’ but actively asking not to receive presents)

After a few duplicates they do now ask for suggestions for the kids.

Surely if they are teenagers you can honestly say they would prefer money?

I think you are being a bit harsh if you don’t know what to get them how should grandparents?

I haven't misread anything you are just contradictory.

If they have never engaged in conversation over all the birthdays and Christmases, then you have repeatedly asked despite knowing it makes them uncomfortable... why expect a magic different outcome?

They don't owe you any discussion on this.

I get asked by both sides of my family what we all want (me, DH, and 2DC). It's hard enough for me to think of ideas sometimes never mind share out my ideas with everyone else. Really doesn't help that DH and DS are also November birthdays so I've "got to" think of even more. I have noticed that DH very rarely gets asked. I'm not sure why it has to be on my mental load but hey ho.

I tend to help the kids, who are both under ten, compile a list throught the year of toys they've seen that they'd like or if they want new shoes/books/clothes and then just present that list to people when they ask. When it comes to DH I never have suggestions unless he's mentioned wanting something in passing to me, which is rare! And then for me, I just ask people to get me things I need like new pots and pans, towels, bedding or makeup. I'm happy with the practical stuff!