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Original poster

Can I ask what is fair in this situation?

39 replies

FuzzySock · 01/04/2024 08:58

I’ve been married to DH since 2021. My parents are separated, DH’s parents are together. In 2021 we each spent Christmas with our own families, in 2022 we spent it with his parents and in 2023 we spent it overseas with my Dad’s side. We were going to host this year for whoever wanted to come from both our families, but seeing as we’re hoping to go away a couple days after Christmas we decided against it as we’d have food going to waste and if people were flying over to stay with us they’d only be here a day or two before we left. So we’ve decided to go to either my Mum’s or his family. Is it fairer to go to his side as we were with mine last year? Or is it fairer to go to mine as I haven’t had Christmas at my Mum’s since 2021? I’m quite happy to do either but just wanted to see what people thought or if any of you also have blended families? We don’t have DC yet by the way 😊

OP posts:
parietal · 01/04/2024 09:15

How far apart are the families? Can you do Christmas Eve with one, Boxing Day with another etc?

exerciseshmexercise · 01/04/2024 09:17

I'm the mum who has divorced from the dad in this situation. As in, me and my ex are divorced and have children.

Do whatever works for you. It's one day. Chill. Stop stressing. It's not worth it. Do whatever suits you and your partner.

Tegridyfarms · 01/04/2024 18:37

I'd say it's your mum's turn. Everybody else has has had a go so it's her turn.
Have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide! Xmas Smile

SirChenjins · 01/04/2024 18:40

I’m going for it being your mum’s turn - you effectively have 3 parental units so each one gets an equal turn.

Rainbowshine · 01/04/2024 19:13

Have Christmas by yourselves and say that as you’re going away you need to be at home to pack and get ready

pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 19:18

I think your mum sounds fairer choice from your description but what about other factors e.g how far do you live from mum and his parents, how often you see them, are any of you the only child?

tomorrowisanotherdate · 01/04/2024 19:20

It is just a day. You can see all of both you families throughout the year, surely?

OneMoreTime23 · 01/04/2024 19:22

Xmas on your own. Have a meal with the various different daily groups some time between Nov and Feb and call it Xmas. Manages expectations.

Simplelobsterhat · 01/04/2024 19:23

Hmm, I don't think it's fair to say your mum's turn because if you carry on like that you'll only have a third of Christmases with his side of the family. Feels like it should be 50/50 to me.

But I also don't think you can stick to these things too rigidly, you also need to take into account things like what suits you and if anyone would be left alone if you didn't see them. Whoever you don't end up seeing,make sure you do book in some quality time with them in December or January for a second Christmas, and then most people are usually happy.

CreateYourOwnUsername · 01/04/2024 19:23

Your mum's or just have them all over for drinks and snacks instead of the whole big meal etc or go out for dinner together

LizHoney · 01/04/2024 19:24

Why should his parents only get one year in three rather than every other year? Just because yours are divorced? I'd say it's DH parents again, then your mum, then them again, then your dad. That's the fairest. And what a faff so the sooner you start hosting the easier it'll be.

Crowgirl · 02/04/2024 08:24

It's your mum's turn
Unless she's not that bothered or it really doesn't work some how

ZenNudist · 02/04/2024 08:26

Crowgirl · 02/04/2024 08:24

It's your mum's turn
Unless she's not that bothered or it really doesn't work some how

This!

Creamcoconut · 02/04/2024 08:29

Don’t over think it and go where you want

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/04/2024 08:31

Taking turns always ends in drama at some point.

I'd host, come Boxing Day your fridge will be empty and people can come for a few days before hand if they want

XiCi · 02/04/2024 12:10

I think it's definitely your mums turn. Would it be possible for your mum to come with you to the ILs for the day then you see everyone? I know my parents or ILs would have no problem with that.
Or could you go away for New Year instead of boxing day and then host. Would probably be easier

Original poster
FuzzySock · 02/04/2024 12:24

Thanks all, I discussed with DH and he said it’s not fair to go to my mums side this year as we already saw my dad’s side this year, so it’s a tricky one really.

OP posts:
OneMoreTime23 · 02/04/2024 12:29

All this pressure over a day. It must be exhausting.

Original poster
FuzzySock · 02/04/2024 12:34

OneMoreTime23 · 02/04/2024 12:29

All this pressure over a day. It must be exhausting.

No pressure, we will go to his, I just was curious how other people handled it 😊

OP posts:
OneMoreTime23 · 02/04/2024 13:19

Not doing Xmas is by far the least stressful way!

Ponderingwindow · 02/04/2024 13:54

Travel distances and siblings play a huge factor. If people live locally, try to divide up slices around the 25th. Someone gets Xmas Eve. Someone gets the 26th. Coordinate with siblings so they arrive at the same parent at the same time. Everyone spends the morning of the 25th at home so children can be home on Christmas morning.

XiCi · 02/04/2024 15:32

FuzzySock · 02/04/2024 12:24

Thanks all, I discussed with DH and he said it’s not fair to go to my mums side this year as we already saw my dad’s side this year, so it’s a tricky one really.

I wouldn't accept that tbh. I suppose it depends how close you are but I'm really close to my mum and there's no way in hell I wouldn't spend Xmas with her 3 years in a row.

IceCreamWoes · 02/04/2024 15:36

His 'putting his foot down' about it would annoy me, you should be able to discuss it like adults rather than final decision sitting with him. Would his parents invite your mum too? I did that pre-kids, newly married when deciding where to go.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/04/2024 16:23

Agree with PP. Be careful about getting into rigid turn taking as it can lead to drama later.

ecuse · 03/04/2024 17:17

We have same setup. My preference is big family Xmas whereas husband's favourite is just us and the kids at home

So we solve it by doing (roughly) one year with each of 3 sets of parental units and then one year at home. So my two 'goes' are my 2 sets of parents and his two 'goes' are 1x parents and 1x stay home.

But if that doesn't work for you I'd say you need a three year rotation where each set of parents gets an equal turn.