Can I ask what is fair in this situation?

[FuzzySock]

I’ve been married to DH since 2021. My parents are separated, DH’s parents are together. In 2021 we each spent Christmas with our own families, in 2022 we spent it with his parents and in 2023 we spent it overseas with my Dad’s side. We were going to host this year for whoever wanted to come from both our families, but seeing as we’re hoping to go away a couple days after Christmas we decided against it as we’d have food going to waste and if people were flying over to stay with us they’d only be here a day or two before we left. So we’ve decided to go to either my Mum’s or his family. Is it fairer to go to his side as we were with mine last year? Or is it fairer to go to mine as I haven’t had Christmas at my Mum’s since 2021? I’m quite happy to do either but just wanted to see what people thought or if any of you also have blended families? We don’t have DC yet by the way 😊

Personally I'd go back to your plan of hosting. People can arrive a day or two earlier than they otherwise would have, and take uneaten food away with them! I like hosting and that way you can see more than one family.

I can see DH point

Im your DH in this situation

We have got mostly into hosting every year as i prefer that but prior to this it was his turn-my turn- his turn - my turn etc. On his "turn" years he can chose whichever parent he wants but i wouldn't spend 2 years with his family vs 1 with mine. He would arrange with his sibs so each parent saw someone.

We live very close to both his DPS and ~3 hrs from mine which is why i would need to see them every other year. Maybe i would be less fussed if we all lived close by

I don't see why he gets to decide without you having any input but I guess if you're happy with it then it doesn't matter. His parents could have every third year or your mum and dad get every fourth, seems unfair to me.

I think your DH is right to be honest

If you forever go in ‘turns’ you will get 2 years out of three with your family, he only gets one out of three. I think you should see it as your side one year, his the next (if you want to go on taking turns) otherwise his family ‘misses out’ purely because they are one unit; it’s not his or his family’s fault that your parents are separated.

Having said all that; life circumstances change & this is one of the many many reasons we never got in to ‘turn taking’ it ties you in too much, people get expectations and hurt feelings. What if one year you want to be ‘just you’? Or you want to go abroad? Or someone becomes seriously ill on ‘someone else’s’ year?
Much easier to take it year on year and decide based on what everyone feels at the time.

I'd go to your mum's this year then offer to host from next year. That way the parents can make the decision whether to spend Christmas with you.

No pressure because you are accepting not seeing your Mom for four years whilst he sees his every other year. I'd be making sure next year was Mom's and then you do your house on his parents year

it’s not his or his family’s fault that your parents are separated In the same vein, it’s not the OP’s fault that he only has one family unit compared to her two.

I think it would largely depend on factors such as travelling distance and whether it means that anyone would be alone otherwise. Could your mum join you at his parents? I don’t like the ‘it’s not fair’ aspect of it. That seems quite child like. What happens if you want to stay at home one year?

Another option would be to repeat 2021 and have your own belated celebration while you’re away together after Christmas, then host next year.

We handle Christmas by not doing turns!

@FuzzySock

I think it's also really relevant how much you see your parents throughout the year.

Your dad is overseas, so presumably you don't see him much? Is your mum round the corner so easy to see her Christmas Eve/New Year's Day instead? What about his parents?

If the only time you see his parents is basically birthdays and Christmas, and your mum is round most days, then even more case to make sure he gets every other Christmas with his family, same for you.

I think a lot depends on whether any of them would be on their own otherwise. Would your in laws invite your mum along? Could you go to one set for the lunch and another set from 6 pm onwards?

I don't think it's fair you only see your mum for Christmas Day once every four years!

What's unfair is discussing it in the spring! But have Christmas at home on your own - or fly on Christmas Day, which is good fun and nice and quiet. You're adults, with your own lives - you don't need to be running off to your parents every year. This is your time.

Thanks all, just realised I didn’t reply. We are spending a few hours with my family during early afternoon and then late noon/evening with DHS family. No, my parents wouldn’t be alone, they have 3 teenage DC and my stepdad’s mum. DH’s mum and dad have DH, me, SIL1, SIL2, niece and SIL1’s boyfriend. Hopefully we will go to my mums next year and after that I think it would be ideal to spend the day in our own house!

It’s your mum’s turn and he isn’t being very kind.