Families that come together at Christmas - what's your secret?

[5Bagatelles]

Time with my young DC (3 and under) and DH this Christmas has got me thinking about what future holidays might look like. Given that both DH and I see Christmas with our respective parents as an obligation rather than something we enjoy (perhaps my feelings might change when the kids are older?), how can parents raise a family that spends time together, willingly, at Christmas? What choices should we make now while our kids are young that will keep them coming home when they're older and have families of their own? I would especially love to hear from parents of adult children who enjoy coming home for Christmas, parents whose homes are full with their children, grandchildren and perhaps even great-grandchildren. Should we just accept that all kids eventually stop returning this time of year?

Every year, our family get together in to my parents house at Christmas. They have a standard semi detached 3 bed but we cram in 2 grandparents, me and my husband, our 2 children, my sister and her partner along with their 2 children. So in total, 10 of us. This year has been the tightest with two new arrivals - there’s a 9 month old and 7 week old! We stay from Christmas Eve right to after new years.

It’s absolute carnage but so lovely at the same time. We make so many memories and the kids love it.

The secret for us is being close all year round. We all do a lot for each other throughout the year, we see each other at least weekly; spend summer holidays together etc. If I didn’t have that closeness, I wouldn’t bother because equally it’s madness here over Christmas but I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

We’re a very scattered family but we return to my parents house every year (my sister’s family are in Japan this year ) - we missed her. I think it’s always been a time of year that is about family so it feels right to be together. They have a mixture of traditions from when we were little and flexibility to change it up - this year Christmas dinner was on 24th as my brother had to travel 25th and the children (teens and tweens) did their own Secret Santa. We all get on but don’t see each other much at other times due to distance. My parents facilitate a big U.K. family holiday every other year (by renting a huge, usually hilariously badly furnished property somewhere) and I’m grateful for the effort they still put in to supporting our sibling relationships.

It’s a bit early for me to say we’ve achieved it, but-
I check in about what we value most, what people enjoy etc. Not planning it jointly but almost.

So get them to tell me what food is essential, whether there’s anything they want to try, shall we do a film marathon or an outing.

We don’t end up doing anything different but I’ve checked in that everyone’s happy with the plan and they have an opportunity to make suggestions

They have friends who have very low key christmases, and very much appreciate our rather traditional one. Even do all the church bits.

As @Udford says, it's not just about Christmas it's about actually liking them and wanting to spend time together. I spent Christmas with my parents and inlaws (we hosted). We get on well with them all and see each other regularly.
There is no expectation that we have to see them, but we want to.

I have five siblings. We are all very different people and our spouses are all very different again.

We still manage to come together at Christmas in some way, and for us it is

1. not harbouring grudges no matter what
2. not passing comment on spouses no matter how different
3. always welcoming each others children
4. understanding that we all have busy lives and don't necessarily want to get together in January
5. Making the effort

As we get older, supporting each other has become more important.

Informality makes it work. Being relaxed in one another's homes and being genuinely close and liking one another.
I don't understand families who don't take the gentle mick out of one another and have a laugh with each other. In our house the kids will ask any adult, be they mum or dad or aunt or grandparent etc, for help, to open a present or will sit on a lap, squish on the sofa etc...everyone is basically equally relaxed and happy with everyone else.
There was too many of us in our house to eat all together, so the kids had the table first, then the adults, and we squeezed a bit but made it work. There was also zero attention paid to time and we ate when it was ready which was about 4pm. The wine flowed all day which helped and the kids drank from cans which was a major treat, and the atmosphere is just happy.
It wouldn't work for us to have a time to eat, or a detailed plan and expectations on anyone's part - it all happens when it happens but magically comes together.
So Christmas day is 6 adults and 4 children at our house plus my adult niece and her girlfriend from teatime as they'd been with their dads for the day.
Boxing day is all of us again, but at my sister's house (who didn't join us yday) with everyone taking contributions for a buffet and car sharing a bit as it's an hour or so away, and the rest of us live closer to one another.

But after all that the secret is liking one another, being friends as well as family, and keeping plans flexible and informal.

We all live walking distance from one another but respect boundaries and space. No-one has to stay at Christmas, we can spend a few hours together and go home.

Both PIL and my DPs had quite a relaxed parenting style. My DPs more so. But certainly there was discipline and boundaries, more importantly warmth, kindness and love. The first rule in this house is kindness. DDs will always have a home here should they need it, but I will not tether them if they spread their wings.

Within reason, treating everyone’s opinions on what to do with equal merit- DH is expected to go along with whatever his Mum and older sister want but he’s in his 40s and has his own thoughts on what makes a good Christmas!

Not dragging things out for too long- I’d rather 2 fun family days than 7 boring, flat ones.

Allowing people personal space and accepting my way of doing things isn’t the only way.

Encouraging your children to have good relationships with one another. MIL gets weirdly miffed if we see DSIL or DBIL without her.

@LadyGeorginaSmythe has hit the nail on the head, it’s the informality that is so key.

but also as above, it’s taking the time to respect each other and spend time together during the year and actually care!

I think people like to do similar to what they did as children so invite the grandparents round for family Christmas and then you will be invited when you are a grandparent.

Both DH and I actively see our families regularly even though his are 300 miles away. In fact I miss SIL desperately after we go home again.

For me it’s that they’re fantastic company. We chat for hours, laugh and it’s relaxed. Everyone is considerate and nice to each other. No digs, snipes or unwanted opinions. But crucially, this isn’t an effort - we’re just not the sort of people to aggravate people or get offended generally.

I don't think there's a secret for us, or anything particular we did. We just all get on well and enjoy spending time together, and Christmas was always fun and not stressful.

I'm 52 and have never had a Christmas where I didn't spend at least part of it with my parents and dsis (and later her dh and dc). My dd18 and ds15 have always been besties, so that makes thimgs easier too. We see PIL every year too, and usually BIl and and SIL, and again we all get on and have fun. Dd is in her first year at uni, but is just as up for family Christmas as she has always been.

For our family
As adults.
Love
Never judge, always listen and discuss.
Welcome partners.
Be prepared to accept and embrace change.
Never make them feel obligated to come to you.
Have some family fun events at other times of the year.
Share experiences.
Play board games

As children
Love
Be a positive role model
Have family fun
Welcome friends.
Talk together, a good time for more complex discussions is when driving.
Never close the door to discussions.
Be supportive.
Play board games.

If they Dc go to their partner's family for Xmas day ( I do miss them but understand their choice.)

Be happy that you have raised your family well enough, to be welcomed into others homes.

Mg Mum had a 'rule' whereby, once we had our own family we had to have Xmas day on our own with them. I think she did this as she didn't want to be with my dad's large family at Xmas

I found it sad as I got older and in the end my mum came to us at Christmas when she was widowed.
She's dead now and I cherish those memories so much.

I think it is a lot to do with flexibility. You are likely not to always see them on Christmas Day itself, because if they have a family, they will likely have other people to fit in. For things to work well, you can get together before or after Christmas, and have a celebration then rather than making a big deal about the day itself. For example we saw adult DSS this year a few days before Christmas, and exchanged presents, and had a roast with all the trimmings, because he is busy with friends over the Christmas period.

For me it's not being under obligation to go but being there because you want to be. I come from a big family: very big! As we had our own children we had present time and dinner in our own homes but all went to our parents every Christmas evening with grandchildren everywhere and much fun/ games and chat. But if we didn't come or were abroad or with inlaws there was no expectation or pressure.
Now my dc are adults they all come home...some from abroad. We are not a perfect family but they like being together/ like lots of food/ but they are free to go wherever they want. In my experience it's the crying mother who must have everyone around her and guilt the kids into coming that makes them want to run.

We are fairly scattered but we are all at my parents house for Christmas, my siblings, my kids, my stepkids (all kids are adults so their choice), son in law. Lots of games, music on (thanks to Spotify jam we can argue over it ) plenty of food and drinking. My kids love Christmas here and step kids choose it over their mum

Both DH and I have this relationship with parents and siblings. We’re close all year. Everyone genuinely gets on well. Lots of gentle teasing but also interesting conversation and fond reminiscing. Everyone is respected and included and everyone pulls their weight. I genuinely can’t think of two groups of people I prefer to spend time with, I love both of our families!

Christmas always works because:

• Nobody feels pressured or obliged or guilted into being there and both sets of parents understand that their children need to make plans that work with their in-laws too.
• Plans are relaxed and flexible. There is always room for last minute additions. Timings are flexible too (eg this year everyone has timed the day around our new baby very happily).
• Everyone is aware of each others needs. The comfiest room goes to the person who needs it most for example.
• Everyone pitches in and we all thank each other for their contributions.
• No one is looking for an Instagram perfect Christmas. Everyone priorities spending lots of family time together and we do lots of games, walks, films etc.
• On both sides, parents are delighted to accept their children’s partners and everyone is catered for, has nice gifts to open etc.
• No one drinks to excess!
• Any minor disagreements are quick to be resolved and we are all very good at not sweating the small stuff.

We are both lucky to have our families. I think the key for Christmas though is being relaxed and prioritising an event that everyone who wants to can come to and enjoy rather than being fixed on a certain order of events / time / menu etc. It is also about welcoming new additions and sharing the workload evenly of course!

I feel blessed that my adult children still love, I think, coming to me for Christmas every other year. I always make them welcome in what used to be their home and the same goes for their spouses and my grandchildren. Nice food which I plan, easy access to drinks and nibbles and we play lots of games. The non local ones use it as a base to go and catch up with friends too. It wont work forever and I expect when I eventually down size it will force a change as I won't have spare rooms for everyone to sleep over .

Being chilled about it . If my adult kids (at home still) want to spend time with friends, or online then fine. We waited until gone 10 to open presents as one had a hangover. I remember clearly the telling off I got for not sitting downstairs ALL DAY.

To start with, you and your DH need to work out what exactly it is that makes you not keen to go to your respective families and then that will give you a good starting point to think about what not to do.

My DC are young so I don’t have any advice to personally offer but thinking about why I was always happy to
go my parents (now no longer with us sadly)as an adult:
-Their house was always welcoming at any time of year so we regularly spent time there anyway so going for Christmas didn’t feel like a pressured one off visit.
-They lived somewhere nice where there were fun things to do around Christmas and pleasant walks to go on on Christmas and Boxing Day.
-They treated my DH as one of their own.
-They were just warm and lovely people meaning that there was always a great vibe in their house.
-There was no formality around Christmas, it was a very laid back affair.
-My mum was an excellent cook!

Also if your children see you going to your parents happily and willingly you will have given them an unconscious blueprint of going home for Christmas as a positive thing, so hopefully they are not picking up on it being an uncomfortable chore. I actually feel a bit sorry for both of your parents as they must know how you feel!

I always had a family Christmas with my parents and extended family when growing up. When my DC came along they just joined in with that. They were with their parents and grandparents, a couple of aunties. Everyone was nice to them, they got presents, we played games and had nice food. They were in a house they knew well as we visited very frequently throughout the year. With people who loved them and included them. No drama. What's not to like? They just accepted this is how Christmas is.

When my parents and a couple of older family members died, DC were adults - late teens / early 20s - living away, but always came home to me for Christmas. No pressure, no expectation. It's just what they did and new traditions were formed relating to food, games, walks and some family in jokes. All helped with the cooking and tidying up, no time pressure. Dinner was served when it was ready which may be12 o'clock or 3 o'clock. Then presents and board games. Lots of chat and laughter.

One year, one DC spent Christmas with their then partner and was surprised that alcohol played such a big part in their Christmas.They weren't impressed with that but did ask why we never had starters. Another year, and with a different partner, they were surprised at the formality of Christmas dinner and commented that it was like eating in a restaurant. Ours is very much help yourself to whatever, and how much, you want and go back for seconds and thirds if you want. And eat your dessert, or another dessert, later if you' wish.

DC are now in their early 30s with serious partners but still come home for Christmas day whilst their partners go to their own family. Partners would be very welcome but this works for them for now.

For me it's about being relaxed; welcoming without any pressure. Not sweating the small stuff. The structure of our Christmas is based around tradition so never feels time timetabled but we all know roughly what's going to happen and when (within an hour or three). And we don't do drama.

It is no reflection of my family that I like to keep Christmas small at home. It's a hectic time of year, it's expensive, I like just being at home and the kids playing with their presents. My parents were exactly the same and thankfully means they get it now we are doing it ourselves, so equally, if my children want to have Christmas at home with their families I won't see it as a failure on my part, quite the opposite in fact.

Everyone xpmes to us ...my adult children still come to us. We welcpme theor friemds too ao they also come to us. Its a mad house its fun and i love it

My DCs haven't left home yet, but we've brought them up to always spend time with extended family at Christmas, we have only ever spent Christmas on our own as a family twice and that was enforced in 2020/2021 due to covid. I was brought up spending Christmas with extended family which was a major treat as we lived a long distance from most of them and it must have been a big effort for my parents (we travelled 200 miles to stay with grandparents every year) and so was DH so it is our normal. Always relaxed and informal, making sure everyone is comfy, warm, has a few things to do and games to occupy them.