Families that come together at Christmas - what's your secret?

[5Bagatelles]

Time with my young DC (3 and under) and DH this Christmas has got me thinking about what future holidays might look like. Given that both DH and I see Christmas with our respective parents as an obligation rather than something we enjoy (perhaps my feelings might change when the kids are older?), how can parents raise a family that spends time together, willingly, at Christmas? What choices should we make now while our kids are young that will keep them coming home when they're older and have families of their own? I would especially love to hear from parents of adult children who enjoy coming home for Christmas, parents whose homes are full with their children, grandchildren and perhaps even great-grandchildren. Should we just accept that all kids eventually stop returning this time of year?

Christmas was lovely when my mum was still alive. We weren't obligated to do anything, come or not come, dress up or stay in pj's. Ir was a really relaxed atmosphere. Of course we had a tree and presents and dinner, but in a relaxed way.

With my child I choose to do stockings in the morning together, I let her choose what to wear (a onesie) as long as we were home, then dress up and go to granny for the official part. Today (boxing day) we have our relaxed day, opened up a few presents under the tree in our pj's and not planning much but a lot of hugs and playing.

I am an aging millennial and my DH and I still go to family each year - mostly his. Honestly I’d rather be home, but normally have more fun than I expect.

Things I appreciate are:

• A private bedroom (wouldn’t go if I was crammed on a sofa bed somewhere or camping in an office, sorry)
• DH’s sis makes lunch and they have a little tick sheet when you arrive where you can say what you want on your plate. I hate potatoes and after decades of pushing them round my plate it pleases me to just not have them.
• Lots of drinks top ups (not necessarily booze, but plentiful tea!)
• No dress code, but I always go smart but comfy.
• No forced fun, but a few games etc if people want to join in.

I am hoping to host next year and one thing I’m going to do is set up our second sitting room as a chill out and room. Reading, jigsaws, cosy chats etc. I am quite introverted and always miss having a space where I can recharge my social battery, so want to offer this for others.

Our main thing is that we don't stress if the Xmas isn't on Xmas day. We just want all the kids to be happy and together and enjoy it. If this means we have to do the main Christmas on the 22nd December, that's what we do.

This year we managed to get all our children together on one day plus all my siblings and their kids. It wasn't on Xmas day but we don't stress about that at all.

Everyone had a fabulous time and we loved it

I think there's a bigger practical element than most people are suggesting. Either everyone needs to live close by so you can just gather for the day or someone needs a big house and is willing to host a large number of people for several days or weeks and people are happy to travel and sleep in less than perfect conditions.

I grew up having large family Christmases, Mum and Dad always hosted and my grandparents who lived far away came to stay for a couple of weeks. My grandparents who lived close by came for the day as did my aunts and uncles and cousins. We loved it as kids but I know my Mum would have liked my aunts and uncles to share the hosting more than they did.

DH's family Christmases were small because they lived in different countries from their grandparents and aunts and uncles so it was just the nuclear family.

In our generation we are spread across the country and some households host for other people every year, some people never host and that is mainly based on house size. We have a big house and my kids love us having visitors but I do prefer some visitors more than others! I do think once there are grandchildren that adult children should start doing the hosting and grandparents step back a bit. Otherwise it carries on until there's a crisis point and an elderly woman has to admit she can't cope with the work anymore. Much better to have a gradual handover while everyone is still capable.

Despite DH and I living abroad we get together with my family at Christmas, always have as much as we can. We have two kids, my sister and her partner don’t. I think that the fact that we make so much effort to travel back makes it special - it costs a flipping fortune!. Plus my two boys absolutely adore their grandparents and aunt. It’s just enough people to make it feel like a party, but not so many that it feels too busy.

Key ingredients? my parents have a big, comfortable house. 4/5 bedrooms, a big conservatory separate to the living room (so kids can watch TV without disturbing the grown ups but still be close by) a big garden with summerhouse etc. They live in the countryside so lots of lovely walks, we cook sausages over a bonfire and have a cold beer with it etc. There is always something to do. They have an open fire, loads of books and board games, a big real tree. They are relaxed and generous hosts. The fridge and the wine rack are always full. The younger generation (me, DH, sis and her partner) are gradually taking over the cooking but really we all take a turn. My mum spoils the boys rotten, she always has. My dad takes them fishing, teaches them how to use tools etc. My BIL makes a mean Negroni and we always bring great cheese from France. Board games.

honestly? investing in family relationships throughout the years, being forgiving of individual foibles while not taking any shit, being genuinely interested in what’s happening, what they are up to. And actively wanting to have fun together - and having similar ideas what that means. Maybe the fact that we don’t live in each others pockets all the rest of the year is a reason too: we are determined to enjoy each other while we can.

I’m going to be a bit mean and tell you why we didn’t spend Christmas with DHs family so much. We used to out of duty, but don’t any more as MIL is now in a nursing home. Basically, they weren’t great at hosting and they weren’t that comfortable with guests. No slobbing about in PJs - both of them were dressed to shoes on before breakfast. No just hanging out, talking etc. MIL was constantly tidying around us and didn’t like anyone else cooking. They were stingy with the heating, only one room kept cosy. Socialising basically meant sitting on the sofa making small talk with endless relatives / friends, cups of tea and chocolate biscuits. No booze! Except for a single glass of wine at dinner. So yet more cups of tea while watching crappy TV every single night. DHs sister would invite us too, and it was always awful. Small living room, dominated by a massive tv that was on all the time, no one could talk, she was too nervous to tell the kids to piss off upstairs so the adults could talk. She would never let anyone else cook or anything, and tidied up constantly. We did it, and made the most of it, but I don’t miss it.

So there you go. I don’t think it’s rocket science why some homes are welcoming and fun at Christmas and others are not.

I think once children come along it makes sense to host rather than drag kids off to Grannies.

It's more pressure on you, hosting, but at least means the kids are happy. They get to play with their new stuff.
Some daft toys. Yesterday was a "race the poo" game, yes remote control plastic poo 💩! 😂
And a game of charades.
In the past games were more quiz type.

But people need to be prepared to pitch-in help themselves to drinks etc. Help clear up. My family doesn't really do formal hosting. The host provides the venue beyond that it's a team effort.

@JaninaDuszejko

that’s an interesting point. In my book club, most of the women are older than me, some have grand children. Something they complain about is the fact that none of their children have big enough houses to host these family get togethers. Whereas they - at the age their children are at now - could afford big 3/4/5 bed houses, their children are still living in apartments or 1-2 beds. It’s certainly the case in my family - neither my sister nor I are in a position to host everyone.

@FestiveRobin good point about it being a moveable feast. I know people who run a small hotel. They would close the restaurant for a day in November. And have their Christmas Dinner, family round, crackers etc.

@rickyrickygrimes I think the small house thing is a bit of an excuse.

My parents had 2 kids in a small council flat, and 5 guests for Christmas Dinner. So 9 in total.
At some point over the Christmas period they'd host my uncle & family. Sleep where you can!

I think the way you treat your parents will be reflected by your DC in the treatment of you.

Maybe just not being related to dicks is the true secret.

Raise your kids well and hope they like each other.

My own family have family Christmases they don't invite me to but tell me all about/send pictures. They also don't care about me or my children throughout the year so we are essentially estranged in some capacity. It's very strange. I haven't done anything I think I'm just too different for them and money doesn't make my world go round like it does theirs. Who knows

So definitely accepting your children and their partners. Supporting them year round. Wanting to hear their ideas of Christmas. Being flexible. Not expecting anything No obligations. No getting funny if they want a different year/don't want to visit. Being easy going and doing fun Christmas things. Atleast being open to changing things up.

My inlaws expect us to visit for Christmas and get funny if we don't.Mostly mother In law. They buys gifts no one wants or needs/unsuitable. You can't tell them anything they won't listen and get defensive.
They don't do any fun or games(wouldnt be up for suggestions) it's all just let's exist in the same house not doing anything but superficial chit chat/moaning. They have food in a set way set time and won't change from this. Its the blandest food on earth. Nothing I really eat and therefore I don't really eat over there.They have never once asked me my preference on anything ever. They won't let anyone else host and don't eat at other people's houses anyway. They are really strange with food.
My husband hates going and we are slowly trying to phase it out by staying for as less time as possible. An immediate stop would put MIL in a strop which is inevitable anyway. Covid lockdown was our favourite Christmas.

Ultimately as my three boys get older and maybe get partners. I am going to be a very easy going relaxed mother in law. Up for trying new things and accepting. More than happy to make my own plans and take care of myself not being a burden to anyone else. Being able to communicate and listen to my children and their partners. Not be offended if every Christmas looks different. I will care about them and support them all year round if they want that or to the level they want.

In general not being a nob head should put you and your family in good stead for Christmases to come.

I liked the idea of creating a blueprint suggested by @WinterNamechange. We do treat our parents with respect but hope to have 'warmer' relationships with our kids. What struck me about a lot of the responses is how much more effortless this seems to be for other families. Thanks to everyone for the practical tips and advice. I've enjoyed reading about how your families make Christmas work.

I think there's a bigger practical element than most people are suggesting. Either everyone needs to live close by so you can just gather for the day or someone needs a big house and is willing to host a large number of people for several days

We live at the opposite end of England from my parents and dsis. We don't have a huge house, so cousins share rooms and my parents are staying in a room in a pub down the road. It works pretty well, because they can get a bit of peace amd quiet, come over after a leisurely breakfast and go back for a slightly earlier night while the rest of us are still up and having fun!

It's also about treating your children well. Which I know all of us try to do! But I look at one of DD's friends (my kids are all adults) who is a lesbian, and her mum always gave her a hard time about her sexuality when she was younger. She now refuses to spend Xmas day with her mother which breaks her mother's heart but she says she had to endure years of stressful Xmases and she hated it. She now visits her after Xmas.

There are often stories on here with divorces and a parent not treating their kids well - they don't forget and become adults and don't come back willingly.

There are four of us siblings in my family, and three of us are married/partnered and alternating Christmas between our own dps and pils, as are our respective bils and sils. So we tend to have Christmas Day, and also host a gathering on another day for Smith Family Christmas/Jones Family Christmas for those who are elsewhere on Christmas Day. Sometimes it might be a sit down meal, other times it might be a Christmas Eve open house. For DH’s side this year we hosted a breakfast for all
of his family who were spending Christmas lunch across three houses.

I know it’s the opposite of what you’re asking op, but the flexibility is great. As much as I would love to own Christmas forever, once your nuclear family expands there are other families to take into account. The Christmas gatherings that aren’t actual Christmas are always a lot of fun because there isn’t an agenda or formula and everyone is more relaxed.

Mine come home for Christmas, they are close and enjoy being together. The youngest two adult dc (autistic) still live at home and they love them and know how important they are in the youngest two's lives so that may be part of the motivation or it could be they like to be fed well. No idea really just that they have never suggested that they might do differently even if I wouldn't mind.