I have a newborn and Christmas is chaos :( Any tips?

[VillageFete]

Hi,

Just to stay I have a much wanted and much loved baby girl via fertility treatment. She’s almost 2 week’s old.

I also have a 4 year old, whose listening skills have all but disappeared these last few weeks and is quite understandably pushing boundaries.

I LOVE Christmas. I’m a planner, prepper, love to meet up with family and friends, do festive activities etc… But this year is obviously different.

Firstly the guilt I feel on my 4 year old…. He loves being out and about in nature and is super sociable and loves being around other kids/his cousins.

His attention span isn’t marvellous. He won’t watch a full movie yet, he likes to do role play/imaginary play and I constantly have a baby glued to me so it’s difficult. I’ve tried to get him to sit with me and watch a Christmas movie but he wants to physically play with me. We have read some Christmas stories together though.

I had a C section that was complicated and unfortunately recovery has been a slog.

I’m hosting Christmas day, just my little family and my mum and sister are coming. Unfortunately they’re both nurses and working Christmas day until 2pm so won’t be able to cook, although my mum is prepping it all for me on Christmas Eve.

I just feel like the magic is missing this year. I adore my baby but i’m very teary, hormonal and sleep deprived. The night’s are brutal! I feel i’ve no energy for a glass of fizz, a Christmas movie, or anything remotely festive.

Is there anything I can do to make things feel a bit brighter? I KNOW things will be much better next Christmas, but then I have this horrible panic where I think “But anything can happen in a year. Everyone is healthy and happy now and I should be enjoying this Christmas”

Has anyone here had a December baby? I’m guessing I should just lean in to it, embrace it and go with it, but i’m in a panic as I still have presents to buy, wrap and Christmas food shopping to do!

Congratulations on your new baby :) I'd say you're right - lean into it and erase all expectations. 2 weeks in is still SO new... you're fully in the trenches of having a newborn plus learning what life is like with two! I was in a similar position last Christmas with a toddler and newborn and it's really hard when you're so sleep deprived. Just remember what Christmas is all about - being with and spending time with those you love and just enjoying the moment. It's not about having loads of presents, fancy food, etc. You honestly won't even remember it in 6 months! And neither will your 4 year old! You're already doing an amazing job, don't add extra stress to yourself.

my top tip would be don’t give your 4 year all the presents on Christmas Day. Mine get stocking on the day and then a few every day hbitl
they run out.

That sounds tough. Can you outsource anything that's outstanding to DP? Gifts that are left to buy can you just give vouchers or cash this year?

I think in your circumstance it is going to be tough and realistically it is just trying to get through it. The key part is to try and drop the pressure and expectation on yourself though. You don't need all these "magical" day trips or gatherings to make Christmas special - just plodding around the house with your DS will be enough.

My Top tip would be to get someone else to host! My son was born on 18th December, so a week old on Christmas Day. My daughter was 14 months old at the time. We went to my husband’s parents for the day. There was plenty of people to help out with the 14 month old while I took care of the newborn. There’s no way that I could have cooked a Christmas dinner.

If nobody else is willing to step up and cook tell them it’s pizza for dinner!

you really need to be gentle on yourself, it’s very early days yet.

Just remember that not every Christmas can be perfect! You will have great ones, good ones and ones you wish could pass you by. However dc will never know, as long as santa comes, there is love then every Christmas will be great for them. I say this having had a baby near Christmas, had a dc in hospital on Christmas eve and been heavily pregnant one Christmas. Just take the pressure of yourself and enjoy the new baby, you can only do as much as you can. It will be fine.

Congratulations but don’t host - you need to focus on your new baby. Your DH can focus on your DS and prepare the Christmas lunch - keep it simple The rest of your family will need to do their own thing this year - am surprised they would thing you would host

Congratulations on your new baby!

First thing to say is - just remember it's only one day. One day where you can do/eat what you like. It doesn't have to be the full-on, Hollywood spectacular. As long as you give/get some gifts, and have something to eat, you will have won.

Second thing to say is - where's your DP/DH in all of this? You mention your mum/sister not being able to help, which is quite understandable if they're at work, but what about him (or her)? Write a list of what you need for food and get them to go and buy it.

Do you really have presents to buy? How about you give gifts of vouchers, or hand-written pledges for something to happen in 2024 when the baby is a bit older? (e.g. I'll buy you afternoon tea, or I'll buy you an Easter gift instead of a Christmas one, etc). Vouchers from M&S, or Amazon, or Waterstones, etc. I know that people often think that vouchers are a lazy gift but personally I love to receive them, as it means I can choose what I want, instead of what someone else thinks I want! And, of course, no-one could accuse you of being lazy when you have such a tiny baby (and you're dealing with the aftermath of a significant operation).

You mention how your mum and sister can help
you mention what you can and can’t do
but you don’t mention DP at all? Is there one? What are they doing?
can’t they be the one to play with dc4, take them to park or to see family to give you time to get some sleep and generally pick up the slack whilst you’re struggling? Surely they can cook the dinner that your mum has already prepped? Do you need to shop, can it be done online or can dp not do it

i think there’s just too much pressure on the day. Anything can happen, but you could all have dinner and a lovely day together in January if you want. And for your 4 yr old, do you remember all of Christmas Day from you were 4? I don’t. Just try to delegate, write a list of things you need to do, then see which of those things actually have to happen and ditch everything else. Is it more important to have the perfect tableware, or is it more important to have gotten an extra 30 mins sleep or to have 5 mins worth of energy to play with the 4 year old, or just to create a more happy and relaxed atmosphere?

if you’re struggling with your mood generally do try to speak to people as well op x

OP might not have a partner or husband, lots of assumptions being made. If you do OP though, get them to pull their weight! Also do you need to do a full roast? Can you not just cook something quicker and easier, even if it's roast beef and frozen roasties? There seems like a lot of pressure to have 'the perfect Christmas' - why? It is one day. Try to enjoy it. And get off social media, because the majority of folk on there showing off their perfect days are having a very different time behind the scenes.

Do not host ! That's my tip. I was you with a 6wk old a while ago. No way could I have hosted.

My baby was born on 22nd Dec... Christmas is what you make it. It was very different to usual, but still lovely. I had some guilt about his first Christmas not being what I expected, but the memories two years on are lovely anyway!

Take the pressure off. If your 4-year-old needs physical activities, can you go to some Christmas-themed playgroups/forest school-type things, with the baby in a carrier? DS often needs something really physical, too - soft play works well for us but that might be tough by yourself with a newborn, if you're still recovering, just incase he needs you.

It might be different but it'll still be lovely.

Where's your partner in all this?

I think you know that you just have to let this one be a quiet/calm one and next year can be a sociable/activity filled one.

Does your four year old like crafts? There's lots of quite simple Christmas crafts that could be done sat down, attached to a baby. Snowflakes are always popular with that age group, making Christmas cards (buy loads of stickers and let them do what they want), paper chain are another easy, but effective one.

If he likes playing imaginative games see if you can get him to play Santa. You lie down and go to sleep and he tiptoes in and leaves a present being careful not to wake you.

If Christmas films are too long you could watch some short ones like Pixar/Disney spin off ones, usually really short or the Christmas episodes of things like Bluey/Peppa etc. You can also watch the adaptations of Julia Donaldson books/Tiger that came to tea, they're not strictly speaking Christmassy but because they're made.for Christmas they still have that vibe to them. There also The Snowman which is an absolute classic and only 30 mins.

If still time to order get everything from cook or a supermarket pre made so that your husband can just heat it up, or don't have 'Christmas food' do an easy heat up meal - then you can just all hang out and open presents and watch the snowman on tv and have a calm nice day.

I think a lot of us have just been asking where the partner is, @Possimpible - because unless this is Mary and the Holy Spirit, there has to be one somewhere!

Thank you for the advice. It’s very much appreciated.

Partner is around. Self employed and it’s his busiest time of year for work so that’s not helping! But he’s hands on and will be available over Christmas break to see to DS.

He’s offered to do the cooking, and he will absolutely help me with it. He’s not a keen cook and he gets very stressed in the kitchen but he will try.

Baby is on the breast and topped up with formula, she’s a very hungry baby so i’m mainly responsible for night feeds, but am going to have to start grabbing a couple of hour’s sleep where I can as lack of sleep is not helping my mood.

I’m overthinking it all, I know. I just feel sad that I feel so flat and I need to remember Christmas always comes back and hopefully next year’s will have that “magic” back.

Slim down what you are doing for the lunch. It doesn't need to be perfect or all singing and dancing, an ordinary roast (get one of those pre prepared turkey breast rolls or something, with a few ready made fancy accompaniments will be fine, if you want starters get pre make prawn cocktail for example. Make a list of some nice and important parts of Christmas for you and make sure your partner helps ensure you get to be involved. So if putting a carrot out for the reindeer, hanging a stocking and putting your 4 yo to bed are the magical bits you want to be involved with for example then make sure you have a bottle ready for the baby and your partner is primed to whisk the crying hungry baby off if that happens. Maybe buys some nice easy pastries for breakfast and you can all have breakfast in bed with some bucks fizz and open some pressies or something. Don't stress about anything else. If you haven't got a food delivery slot booked send your partner out soon to buy the bulk of the food, most of stuff has dates till after Christmas in my local tesco.

Sleep deprivation with a second baby is a killer and coupled with the dark wet weather it can all feel a bit crap. Look after yourself op....you don't need to make anyone else happy but yourself.

I wouldn't put the pressure on yourself. Can you not eat the meal on another day and have party food and presents on the day itself? I'd just concentrate on keeping your oldest happy this Christmas, he's the one that matters.

i had a baby christmas eve 2 years ago. with 2 older kids i begged the midwives to discharge us so i could get home in time for them to open their presents on christmas morning.
Thankfully my mom cooked the dinner. It was abit if a blur but every year now is more about xmas eve than christmas day as it his birthday and my other two are teenagers

Not necessarily - could be donor sperm and a mother going it alone, especially as OP even specified she'd had fertility treatment. But I see there is a partner. Good to see he will 'help' OP host

So long as the 4yo has presents, everyone can have cash, vouchers etc..,

Dinner - not just the prep but designate other people to do the clearing up... get your Dp to cook ... write him a simple plan with timings to help with the stress...

Install yourself plus baby on sofa where you can see and talk to 4yo as he plays with gifts...

It doesn't have to be instagram perfect... 4yo will not care about Christmas dinner - let him enjoy chocolate, sweets - whatever is in his stocking etc. what he will remember most is if he has a happy day with happy Mum and Dad...

I don't know if this helps at all, but your situation seems rather like the first Christmas. Scrap as many unnecessary things as you can and just focus on the essentials especially for your 4 year old.
You have a real life nativity installation in your living room and have gone to way more trouble with your moses basket manger scene than most. Of course the down side is that a real baby needs a lot of care and attention but then that was the same for the first Christmas too. (Only get worried if you have strangers arriving saying they have seen angels and stars!)

If your mum and sister won’t be there until 2pm, why not have Xmas lunch in the evening? DH’s family always did this, and while I found it strange at first, I’ve adapted to it and now much prefer it. You’re not rushing to get everything started in the morning, or having to give small children an early lunch as they won’t last until 2pm, etc. Get some party food or lunch with minimal prep, then chill in the afternoon while your DP/ mum and sister do dinner

@EducatingArti This made me laugh! Thank you!

I’ve just taken myself off for a cry. I feel so overwhelmed. I know I need to scale back the pressure, but i’m so exhausted and have so much to do this evening. Washing, ironing, cooking tea… it all seems impossible. DP is home bathing 4 year old but then’s back out to work. It’s his busiest time unfortunately.

I will absolutely take all of this advice on board and I know that next Christmas will be very different to this one. I’m so blessed with my new baby, but I feel extra overwhelmed due to Christmas.

Ok, so really ditch as much as possible. Can you cut down on ironing? Only do things that are totally essential. No one died from wearing a wrinkled top!

Don't hold yourself to impossible standards. If your 4 year old gets a Christmas tree and a Santa stocking and some family presents and is allowed to eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast then they will have a lovely Christmas day!

Did you say your mum and sister are local? Can you open up to them about how you are feeling and ask if they would be willing to help you out a bit around their shifts ( not sure if they are the kind of people you could do this with). eg they could: take away a washing load and return it dried and ironed, do a supermarket Christmas shop, take the 4 year old out for a hour so you can have a snooze, maybe even take baby plus 4 year old out for a walk so you can catch up on sleep a bit, take away your 4 year old's Santa presents and return them wrapped?)

Really think about how to cut as many corners as possible. Your 4 year old will have a happier Christmas with a slightly more chilled mum and an imperfect house/decorations etc than a more stressed mum trying to make things perfect.

OP - no one should be ironing two weeks post birth. Ditch that immediately.

Can you get food/meals from Cook? Easy things to just put in the oven that don’t require any prep work?

It’s just going to be a different Christmas this year but I promise your 4yo won’t notice if it’s not perfect. You’ll only disappoint yourself if you try to hold yourself to that standard. Just try to lean in to what it is - enjoy what you’ve got and have a fab Christmas regardless.