11 yr old DD tearful re- santa and not excited for Christmas - tips

[Radyward]

Poor DS age 11 obvs is v v v doubtful about Santa. He is a young 11 yr old
Always asked Santa every yr for a teddy. We went to see santa at creche this pm and he hated it just did it for me for the photo. He cried on way home as got a lovely Roblox annual but doesnt play Roblox anymore. Honestly the upset wasnt brattiness but sadness over knowing santa isint real - it was nothing to do with the gift - if ye get me!! I mean the spark has gone. A friend of mines child never believed and thats nearly better for them in comparison to the feeling of being had or gutted it was all made up
How do i handle this !
I told him that st nicholas was real and the joy of christmas is giving to.loved ones and baby jesus was born etc etc etc. I want to help him love this christmas. Its so gutting for them in a way its not right the disapppintment when they ' find out '.
Domt know what to do -aw

Bless him. We always say Christmas magic is real. So in our house, once you stop believing in FC you have to 'become an elf' and help to create the Christmas magic. Just little things you can make them responsible for so that they get excited again - there's so much excitement in knowing they have a surprise lined up for others.

Mine are now 17 and 14 - DD is the Christmas Eve elf and chooses little presents for the elves to bring on Christmas Eve - like festive Hairbands or socks, that sort of thing. When she was younger she'd choose and I'd order and now she orders herself and I pay her back. I have no idea what she's done this year but she is so excited for us to see.

DS is the Christmas lunch elf and is in charge of a table activity - sometimes he needs things ordering, sometimes he makes it. They both went into town together to sort it this year and I have no idea what it is.

My point is, make your DS a part of the magic, especially if there are younger children in the family. It won't be the same but it'll be OK.

Oh @IHeartKingThistle this is lovely!

we’ve had the same this evening, OP. DD11 crying saying she’s not sure if it’s real. She said all her friends say it’s the parents doing everything but she just says she’s not sure. But if they’re right it means we’ve been lying to her. My heart broke. I would have said something along the lines of the magic of Christmas as you said, but DH thinks we should wait until after Christmas. So hard to know what to do!

We also said that the magic of Christmas was how everyone makes it lovely for each other. You just have to be understanding of the natural sadness at this transition and trust they will come through it.

Get them involved in preparations and in the planning, and in making it special for the family.

I agree with @IHeartKingThistle you need to engage him positively in the magic of Christmas. Taking him to Santa could have reinforced that it's all based on a falsehood, I understand his sadness. Start building new traditions to bring back his excitement !

I think there is an age when they need to know the truth to avoid looking stupid at school and so they can trust what you say.

Just tell them the truth, rip the bandaid off, let them get used to the idea that the christmas magic is created by parents who love their children and want to pass on the tradition of st nicholas etc.

An 11 yo really doesn't need to believe to enjoy Christmas.

I think 11 year olds need to be told if they still believe. They’de get rinsed at school for that. I can’t really buy into the whole worried that we / you lied thing. It’s a culture. Every parent in the west does it. Saw a really nice meme thing about explaining it the other day it said something along the lines of - Santa is not a magic person, it’s behaviour that works like magic. It’s about giving without receiving like Santa did when they believed. You explain it was really you that have the presents and that you let Santa take all the kudos because it made then feel special and happy. Explain its to teach kids the joy of giving and receiving without agenda.

Maybe he cried because he was embarrassed at being taken to see Santa at a crèche at the age of 11. Does he have younger siblings?

Do you struggle with the idea of him growing up? Because taking an 11 year old to see santa who does not want to go is a strange thing to do. You say it was for your benefit and not his.
Maybe time for you to recognise he is older and stop trying to keep him like a much younger child?

Of course he is real but here in Europe (that’s the Uk as well) we don’t need him to visit because we all have so much so now FC is so old he only visits the children who live in countries where the children have nothing. Well okay it’s not great but my children now 40 & 38 believed it for a few extra years and now as adults think it’s hilarious.

Why did you take him if he hated it? If he didn’t want to, and did it just for you as you say, then that is quite selfish of you.

You sure he wasn't just embarrassed at you making him have a photo with Santa at a crèche?

My thought too

You shouldn't have forced him to visit Santa at 11 when he didn't want to. He's probably hugely embarrassed - no wonder he's upset. My DD hasn't been near a Santa grotto for many moons (she's 12) as she would die of embarrassment. We know she doesn't believe anymore but we've never spoken about it or admitted it out loud. She still gets a Santa sack on her bed, and leaves note in a box and mince pie and carrot on Xmas Eve - but it's all just tradition and we go along with it for as long as she wants to. Poor lad. Just make lots of fun for him now and stop discussing it!!!

Are you sure he wasn't just upset because he didn't know how to tell you he doesn't want to visit Santa anymore? Christmas moves on when children get older, but there are lots of ways to keep the 'spark'. My children just enjoy the day itself now, getting together with other family and playing games together. In the build up, you can go to shows, do activities like ice skating or other Christmas events. I'm glad the Santa days are behind us so I don't have to sneak about in the middle of the night now! Also, we enjoy choosing gifts for other people without any pretence.

Mine considered this last year. Didn't help that his little sister was the one to work it out and break it to him...

I told him in the end, that Santa is a created reality and so is Christmas magic. If everyone believes in it and goes along with it, then it is as 'real' as we want it to be; a belief system like a god, if you will. We create the Christmas magic, just as a believer creates Christian charity.

Then I distracted him with different gift traditions around the world. He was taken by the Christ child filling shoes with sweets and the Italian witch (forget he name now!). Good luck! I hope he's back in the spirit soon

Absolutely love this. What a lovely way to keep the excitement alive. Will definitely be doing this when the time comes for ours. I love that you have given your children excitement in responsibility for contributing.

Why on earth did you take him to see Santa when he didn't want to go, to a creche of all places?

It sounds as if he's struggling with having to perform for you as a much younger child. I'd say to him that you're sorry about the Santa trip- it wasn't the right idea- and maybe suggest something you could do together that's a bit more age-appropriate or that he could do with his friends- skating, cinema trip?

I wouldn't make a big thing about whether he believes in Santa. It very much sounds like he doesn't and focusing on that might also make him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. You can still do stockings etc- just with a bit of a wink.

It's hard as they get older to adjust your expectations around Christmas. I found it very liberating to acknowledge to myself that some of the things that I loved doing with my kids at Christmas were as much for me as them- now they're much older and don't want to do Christmas crafts etc so I look for ways to do these things myself or with a friend. It is an adjustment but Christmas is still lovely and much lovelier than if I tried to force everyone to stay the same as they were ten years ago.

I've done the santa thing a bit different with DD who is 5. Santa brings the stocking fillers, that's it. I tell her that the other presents are bought by me and daddy (or whoever gifted them) and then stored with santa as we don't have a lot of space for storage, he just brings them along with him and drops them off.

At 11 I'm amazed your DS still believes at all and find it a bit odd going to a santa creche with him. The gifts are usually aimed at toddlers for starters. I think you need to tackle it and let him know that santa isn't real but the magic of Christmas is and that's what santa has always represented

I assume he goes to crèche for afterschool childcare so that's why he was there for the Santa visit. OP honestly it's an odd age I've an 11 year old as well but to be honest we've never been too big into Santa and she hasn't believed for the past few years but we still visit Santa and have all the Christmas fun. It's an age where there is often peer pressure to appear grown up but they are still children. My parents still brought us to Santa in our teens for the annual photo and we got a Chinese afterwards. Christmas is still Christmas and it changes but you can still have fun and make it special.

Also, forgot to mention that it’s totally normal for there to be about two Christmas’s where they don’t really believe anymore or are questioning things. The first one you normally give it the “if you don’t believe you won’t get presents” but in a bit of a jokey, flabbergasted way. They usually still want to believe this one. However you cut out the Santa trips etc and you put the carrots down with a bit of a smirk if they are giving you a smirk.
By the next Christmas it’s full on smirks whenever Santa is mentioned. By the third it’s all over and you can then tell them “the secret “ and how important it is not to tell smaller children etc. I think the emphasis on keeping it a secret from smaller kids helps them feel they’re now part of another club!

My eldest never really believed. Honestly rumbled the whole thing aged 3, massive cynic, and I didn’t want to lie, go along with the game yes, but not directly lie. So when asked I didn’t. We still did all the Christmas magic but never had to break it to them, or for anyone to be deceived.

I think it is easy to get too carried away with it (some people go to extremes to keep the fantasy going) which can result in heartbreak.

For your son, keep the traditions going, the magic is still there in those moments.

Sorry Op, is he secondary school?

You need to find new Christmas traditions, lights, ice-skating, cinema. I even know someone who goes swimming on Christmas Eve!

My 11 year old got full-on punched in the face by a classmate this week because this other kid still believes and mine doesn't...

It's a funny age! But at 11 they really need to know. Sounds to me like he's figured it out but doesn't want to upset you or lose the Christmas magic.

A PP is right - new traditions are good! We usually go to the cinema or ice skating and get take away, get our Christmas jammies on, do a secret Santa just the four of us and have a kitchen party.

Firstly, I have found my boys were a bit tearful/wobbly in Y5/6 in general. I think it's hormonal and the teacher confirmed that there is a developmental stage around now that unsettles them. Also the change to secondary coming can be a bump in the road.

Probably time for some new, fun traditions to divert away from FC. Christmas can still be magical. Drop the grotto visits. Lots of reassurence and be lead by him.

I loved the magic of Christmas and even as a teen I loved how a lumpy stocking appeared on my bed overnight even though I knew it was Mum. I never suffered from the lie nor was I picked on at school (well not for that anyway!) Of course kids should "know" by secondary, but you can do that without a full reveal.

It was in the creche he attends for afterschool. Definately too old and I did apologise to him and said we wont do it again but we are makimg his fave christmas dessert - choccy cornflake buns christmas eve. He Loves ❤️ escape rooms so thats booked..i suppose part of me is sad he is older now. He loves cooking so this morning i suggested him doing christmas eve dinner for every one and seems happy . I had boughty a santa oodie which is a step too far so will return it and bought subtle reindeer pjs online this am. Hope they come. He is my youngest and defo take on board pushing the kiddie stuff too far when he is older.

Some great suggestions !!
My older DD is making choc profiteroles c eve so thats her thing for the big day !!