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Original poster

When do you stop buying for children?

26 replies

whitesnowredberry · 06/12/2023 22:10

Dh and I have been mulling this over....DN is now 20, lives at home still, working in apprenticeship since 16 and earns good money now - has a better car than us / multiple holidays abroad this year.

She's still on the cards and tags as SIL, BIL and DN - no presents or cards from her ever. And an expectation that we will buy her expensive beauty and clothing items off her wish list as always.

When kids become adults - how and when does it stop if it's not reciprocated directly? Or is it likely DN will be on the tags of her parents still in 10yrs 🤣

OP posts:
BigBoysDontCry · 06/12/2023 22:18

In our family we stop at 18. I have a large family and it's now the great nephews and nieces that are the children but did same when the oldest of those turned 18.

It's the fairest I think. The only exception I'd make I think would be where the adult child is fully dependent on their parents and will never be able to work or live independently due to disability.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 06/12/2023 22:19

Wow DN is a cf isn't she? Send a card and a selection box...

toastofthetown · 06/12/2023 22:20

It depends family by family. Between various family members gifts stopped for me at 18, 21 and 30. As she’s 20 now, stopping at 21 makes sense if you didn’t want to go down the route of reciprocal gift giving with your niece. I have a large family and I don’t send or receive cards or gifts from my aunts and uncles, and I’m pretty sure I’m not included on my parents card at this point.

Do you have any adult children your SIL and BIL are still buying for though? If you that could complicate things.

stillholly · 06/12/2023 22:22

Make a point of saying this will be the last year before age 21 / set the expectation

Ragwort · 06/12/2023 22:23

We stopped at 18, seems a sensible'cut off' point.

AnotherDanceClass · 06/12/2023 22:27

Our oldest nieces/nephews/friends kids are mid 20s and we still give, no plans to stop...maybe if they have children then we’ll give to their children instead.

Original poster
whitesnowredberry · 06/12/2023 22:27

toastofthetown · 06/12/2023 22:20

It depends family by family. Between various family members gifts stopped for me at 18, 21 and 30. As she’s 20 now, stopping at 21 makes sense if you didn’t want to go down the route of reciprocal gift giving with your niece. I have a large family and I don’t send or receive cards or gifts from my aunts and uncles, and I’m pretty sure I’m not included on my parents card at this point.

Do you have any adult children your SIL and BIL are still buying for though? If you that could complicate things.

We have quite a small family in general for gift buying on either side so it would be fine to enter reciprocal gift buying with her as we do with her parents but it's just a bit weird that she hasn't currently reciprocated so stopping would be really weird as we'd carry on for her parents...

Our child is late primary age. And is already encouraged to pick a box of chocolates for her close relatives as a gift as everyone always buys her such lovely things - so we clearly have different values!

OP posts:
NotARealWookiie · 06/12/2023 22:29

I’d phase it out with a selection box this year and see how you feel next!

CuteCillian · 06/12/2023 22:31

Sounds awful, but I still buy for nieces on one side (30's), they always thank me, really appreciative for anything and reciprocate by buying presents for my DC.
On the other side, got told by SIL they would prefer cash once they got to 12 but still never got a thank you. I stopped at 18.

Froppysue · 06/12/2023 22:32

Eldest is 21 and it just kind of naturally happened, think she was 15/16 when she first bought gifts for her grandparents and us with her own money. Only time I put her on cards is if it’s people we don’t see that often, even then I just put ‘& girls’ as a blanket term really.
She has a good career and same as your dd, lots of abroad holidays etc, I’ve found it hard cutting back from spending as much on her as her sisters but it’s got to be done, last year was the first I’d reduced it then again this year. She has a partner too so I buy for him now too. Still secretly spend a bit more than dh knows about though 🙈

I totally read the op wrong oops!! Our extended family said they stop buying at 18, kids have always known that. Grans still buy for her but aunties/uncles don’t anymore. I stick a tenner in my elder nieces cards, maybe say to her now she’s an adult, the buying stops? I find it strange a 20yo with a good job sends her auntie & uncle a wish list and doesn’t get them so much as a card in return!

WGACA · 06/12/2023 22:34

I’ve decided it’s going to be 21 if they bother to say thank you in any way, 18 if not. I’ve never raised the amount I give in vouchers or cash because of this too.

ManchesterLu · 06/12/2023 22:38

whitesnowredberry · 06/12/2023 22:10

Dh and I have been mulling this over....DN is now 20, lives at home still, working in apprenticeship since 16 and earns good money now - has a better car than us / multiple holidays abroad this year.

She's still on the cards and tags as SIL, BIL and DN - no presents or cards from her ever. And an expectation that we will buy her expensive beauty and clothing items off her wish list as always.

When kids become adults - how and when does it stop if it's not reciprocated directly? Or is it likely DN will be on the tags of her parents still in 10yrs 🤣

My parents still put my brother and I on the family Christmas cards, but gifts stopped when we turned 18. Each family unit sends each other a gift, say a hamper or a few bottles of wine etc, and once the kids are 18 they share that.

Cadenza12 · 06/12/2023 22:43

Never. Everyone gets a couple of gifts. I can't remember when our adult children started buying gifts for us, I guess when they started working.

TheChosenTwo · 06/12/2023 22:44

We don’t. We both have large families, eldest niece is 30 and still buy for her and her children. They are still our family even though she’s not a child.
She buys for our dc.

andyourpointiswhat · 06/12/2023 22:45

I would dial it right back this year, small box of chocolates or a bottle of supermarket fizz, certainly not expensive stuff off a wish list. She will get the message without you having to be explicit about it. It is up to her parents what they continue to give her if she is earning but you can be sure she buys presents for her friends so if she wants proper presents from you she needs to reciprocate.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 06/12/2023 22:48

Everyone gets a gift in my extended family regardless of age, however it’s a secret Santa with a wish list and a £40 allocation. So everyone gives and receives one thing valued around £40. This includes small children.

asterel · 06/12/2023 22:48

Does she even send a thank you note or text or similar? As pp have said, it’s a bit cheeky to be sending a present list out to relatives at 20 but not even reciprocating with a token gift! I started buying small reciprocal gifts for relatives when I was a student, just to be able to send something that was a nice token even though I couldn’t afford much.

I’d be tempted to speak quietly to the parents and say you were thinking of scaling it back - then get her something less expensive this year than you usually do - just to gently introduce the idea that you will be cutting down and either moving to a token gift or stopping now she’s a bit older. 20 is quite old enough to get used to a bit of disappointment that you aren’t getting a big gift any more from your uncles and aunts, but maybe some chocolates or a book instead.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 06/12/2023 22:49

Just her her some nice fizz, she’s still your niece.

saraclara · 06/12/2023 22:52

I didn't stop loving my nephew and niece as soon as they hit 18/21/whatever. So why would I stop?
I still buy for then and their partners and they still buy for me. But none of us have wish lists or expectations. We just buy something reasonably thoughtful based on what we know the each other like.

BigBoysDontCry · 06/12/2023 22:53

I'd also add that we don't buy for any adults (other than our parents when they were alive) so that maybe makes it easier. Though the last couple of years my sisters and I have gotten close again and we buy each other a small thing which we exchange at a lunch with just the 3 if us. I'm talking things like a candle/pair of cosy socks/box of chocolates type of thing.

Maybe it's time to move to that type of token gift for all adults and you could keep DN on the list but not buy expensive stuff?

Blondeshavemorefun · 06/12/2023 22:53

I stop buying for friends and neices/nephew at 18

Stresa22 · 06/12/2023 22:54

Never. We give because it’s the season of giving, not because they’ve reached a certain age.

Mistymornin · 06/12/2023 22:57

We stop once they start full time work. When they are students at uni, we give them money in a card.

BigBoysDontCry · 06/12/2023 23:01

Stresa22 · 06/12/2023 22:54

Never. We give because it’s the season of giving, not because they’ve reached a certain age.

Surely depends on the size of your family?

If we were buying for everyone in our direct family - siblings and their partners, their offspring, offspring partners and the next generation below, on both sides, we'd be near 100 people instead of the 11 under 18s we buy for.

Isthisexpected · 06/12/2023 23:15

I think it depends. When I turned 18 i started buying as an independent adult so continued to receive gifts on a reciprocal basis.