DH not joining in Christmas plans

[wouldthatbeworse]

I appreciate that those of us on the Christmas board like Christmas more than average but DH is being a seasonal fun sponge.

He refuses to engage in discussions on what to get the kids and then huffs because I’ve done it all. One present has gone missing in Royal Mail and his response is what do you want me to do about it.

I asked if he wanted to come see Santa with the kids. No. Christmas theatre trip? No. Every evening me and the kids open our advent calendars together. His is sat on the shelf.

Today he suggested we could get the tree while the kids were at school because it would be easier without them.

No childhood Christmas trauma. I know he’s just not that into it but I wish he would at least try for the kids.

You have my sympathies. Does he understand that their joy is only going to last for a few years before it’s not ‘cool’ anymore? Or does he understand this and still isn’t bothered?

I think I’d turn it round on him. If he huffs because you’ve bought stuff without him, shrug your shoulders and ask him what he wants you to do about it.

Don’t buy him an advent calendar. Or let the DC take turns in opening it. Stop inviting him to things.

Tell him you and the children were planning on going to get the tree while he was at work. And if he asks why, tell him because it would just be easier with just you and the DC. Shrug your shoulders and tell him you don’t know what he wants you to say.

How old are the DC? I’m guessing quite young if visiting Santa

Is he very religious? My SIL is and is very disapproving of festivities.

Has he always been like this?

If not I would think, stress (maybe even depression if he displays any other signs) and money may be on his mind hence not wanting to celebrate. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to get involved, it may be something unrelated

Thank you for the solidarity. His view is that the celebrations start way too early and that the whole thing is pointless / commercial. He’s not depressed but he’s not a joyful person in normal times, it’s just highlighted when the rest of us are trying to have fun.

kids are 7&4 so peak Christmas. None of us are religious. Ok for money. I arguably have started to exclude him but don’t want to resort to being petty. I know I can’t make him like something he doesn’t like. But it’s just sad as he’s missing out

God what a fun sponge

I couldn't live like that - he's going to ruin their childhood if he doesn't get a grip soon.
I think it's time for done serious discussion about not being a selfish fucker and remembering that he has children and a wife to consider!

So... he, as a father, has an opportunity to spend time with his kids and make them happy and he just... doesn't? I don't really understand this. I understand MAYBE opting out of a couple of things if it's too much but you havnt listed anything out of the ordinary. Also, I'm really sad for you, that you married and had kids with someone you don't think is joyful - we all deserve to be with someone who finds joy in things, and that includes you.

Hmmm so maybe I need to tell him “please can you be less miserable”.

for what it’s worth he isn’t useless like a lot of the ‘D’Hs on here. He does his share of household and childcare related chores. It’s just that they’re all a chore. And then to him all the Christmas present buying, wrapping, hosting etc is extra chores.

I don’t think he’s depressed. But he’s much happier watching football than being with us.

If you enjoy shopping, decorating, etc then I would just carry on and do it. Anything that you don’t enjoy, let it slide. Let him join in if he feels like it, so don’t exclude him, but don’t get annoyed or expect him to participate. This would be my advice and it’s what I do!

I love Christmas. My DH is more neutral about it, so he just lets me get on with it. He finds the shopping a chore whereas I enjoy it, so in my opinion it is win win. But he does give me free reign and does not complain about anything I do or arrange. I ask for his opinion on major arrangements or purchases if I’m unsure.

For instance, i don’t get him an advent calendar anymore, but the kids and I enjoy opening ours together and him not being involved doesn’t bother me or them. Win win!

I can't believe I am reading this just because a husband thinks Christmas is overdone and overcommercial. What this approach is going to lead to - more festive spirit? My view -live and let live.

You sound very critical of your husband. Maybe it's just my perception. I used to enjoy visiting some friends. I stopped. They would always find ways to let me know I am deficient in some areas

My DH isn't a Christmas fan. Though he's like that because of a trauma response.

Over the years, we have found a way to incorporate enough to keep me happy, whilst letting him opt out of enough to keep him comfortable.

It took multiple years and lots of talking from both of us to get it right. This year is the closest we've gotten to "right".

The thing that worked best for my DH was limiting his choices. I don't mean controlling him. I mean that questions such as "what do you want to eat on the 25th?" Or "which film do you want when x visits?" was overwhelming. Narrowing it down to two choices I knew he would enjoy made it far easier for him to express what he wanted, helped him feel included and helped me plan everything.

Another thing that really helped was being open about the fact DH wasn't into Christmas. It helped me get my head around it, and stopped everyone else pestering him.

I had this with ex partner (baby daddy) for two years. The attitude of how it was for him as a child was pretty much played out in current times, minimal input/involvement and lack of interest. Stressed me out now end. Not together anymore (thank the lord) but reflecting I was more caught up with trying to get him on board for things as it was me pushing for it. Not the kids... they couldn't give a toss as long as they got to see Santa and had gifts to open. Let him so his thing and you go have fun with the kiddies. Like you say peak Christmas for them so why expel energy on someone who clearly isn't wanting to be involved. Your kids won't be this age again... Make it special and enjoy.

My df was like that. He hated Christmas, resented the money spent and the outings to carol concerts and nativity plays. He objected to the tree, the time off school, to neighbours popping in and refused to join in with any of it.

He was fairly joyless about most celebrations so in the end we just ignored him because it was the only way.

I get some of it if he's not as into Christmas as you are but refusing to come on trips out with you to the theatre or to see his children excited at meeting Father Christmas is really shit.

DH is not a huge fun of Christmas and I do all the present buying for DDs but he would be heartbroken if I took the children to visit Father Christmas without him. He enjoys seeing them enjoying themselves.

So get the tree without the kids (as he says its easier), and then you csn all decorate it together when kids are home from school. And that can be the " dad" thing he does.

Blimey. What a drag. I would be explicit in explaining (although can't believe you haven't already) that Christmas and the children's enjoyment is absolutely down to the parents. They get out of it what you put into it. Children want to do the activities with both parents (if they are together obviously). It is a commitment and a bit of a slog but the pay off is their joy and that's priceless. I was pissed off going up to bed last night and realising I hadn't moved the bloody elves but when the little one came down this morning and saw "what they were up to" it was beyond precious. This time of year you have to commit to your children. That's the job.

@Tiredbehyondbelief you're reading that because it isn't just about feeling Christmas is overdone - it's because he's joyless and thinks that spending time with his wife and children is a chore. That's really sad and is damaging to the children.

And with regard to Christmas, it is a magical time for them and they deserve for their dad to make an effort for them.
If he was a single man with no kids he could be as miserable about it as he likes, but he's a dad now and making Christmas joyful for the kids shouldn't be solely the OPs job. She's not even asking him to do much in terms of organising or buying, just join in and not be miserable or resentful.
Can you imagine what those children's lives would be like if the OP matched her husband's level of interest in their childhood experiences?

'He's much happier watching football than being with us'
OP... that's so sad. Are you okay?

But it’s just sad as he’s missing out
Is he? I don't enjoy most of it but I do fake enthusiasm where needed. If I didn't get invited to bits of it though I wouldn't feel I was missing out. Last year I was away the first weekend in December which is when DH likes the tree to go up so he did it with the DC and it was all sorted when I got back which was ace.

This year I was fully involved and enthusiastic about the buying and decorating of said tree but it was no more or less pleasurable than last year.

That’s not fair on the kids and yes, tell him that. Can he put a face on and take them to something they would like eg ice skating, winter fairground or something? Why doesn’t he even want to involve them in getting the tree or seeing Santa? That’s actually mean.

If he really won’t get involved, then go with someone else or take them yourself.

My exh was similar and did nothing whatsoever towards Christmas except put batteries in the toys on Christmas morning.

My H was like this. For a few years I just stopped asking him if he wanted to come to stuff and booked things for me and the children. He absolutely ruined Christmas for me last year. I left him in February.
I could never get past the fact that he wouldn't even try and be involved on family life for the DC.
DC and I are having a lovely Christmas this year, albeit different as I am no longer "covering" for Dad and we aren't in the same house.

Anyway. Try and enjoy stuff with the DC this Christmas OP as best you can x

To be fair it's only the 8th, Christmas is still weeks away.

I really don't start to engage with anything Christmassy until about the 14th / 15th. Might buy a few presents but that's it.

If you start celebrating it too early you're bored of it by the time Christmas rolls around.

Get him this hat...

https://www.theworks.co.uk/p/birthday-party/bah-humbug-grouch-hat/82686220385.html?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAmsurBhBvEiwA6e-WPEJ6ihzVyDZOilikNQ_cToMM86PQpX31o-IPe2buuH1pn81WIxXCQRoCy_UQAvD_BwE

And then tell him that you don't care whether he likes Christmas or not, he needs to 'fake it till he makes it' for the kids. His feelings are not important here.

I don't particularly like Christmas. It's a lot more work for me. I'd quite like to spend most of the day sleeping. Or eating food cooked by other people. But I get up on Christmas morning with a big smile on my face, singing 'Tis the season to be jolly' and make my DC a huge pancake shaped like santa with whipped cream and out-of-season strawberries.

Then I say 'wow!' a thousand times during the course of the morning and pretend that I want to play whatever game Aunty Dinah has given them.

Tell him that he's a bit old still to be thinking that the whole world revolves around him and that there is no room for an adult brat in your household.