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Original poster

One child get more than the other child

58 replies

Sammylou99 · 05/12/2023 20:27

So me and my partner have not been getting on the last couple of days due to the fact that I think that his parents are being unfair with the kids Christmas present/money this year. Me and my partner have 1 little boy together he is 1 and i have another son who is 6. So Christmas they want to give the 1 year old 100 pound for Christmas and only give my nearly 6 year old between 10 and 20 and I have said that that is not fair to my partner they get them the same 10 to 20 pounds each (am not excepting 100 each) or they get nothing from them. I have already bit my tongue this year as when it was my sons 5 birthday he got nothing not even a happy birthday but then when it was my other sons 1st birthday he got give 100 pound I just dont like the way they are treating my kids differently and my son is starting to ask why his brother is getting this and that and i am not!
I have said this to my partner of 3 years and he said that I should be grateful that his parents are getting both something wheather it be one getting more then the other. He is now saying that I am being ungrateful can I have people's opinions please

OP posts:
verrymerryberry · 05/12/2023 21:39

This is warning call about you DH. You cannot rely on him to treat your son the same as his biological child. You cannot rely on his parents to do the same either.

He is not their son / grandson. To be honest I think some separation is a health boundary.

tuscanvines · 05/12/2023 21:46

Oh dear.

Crumblecakes · 05/12/2023 21:56

LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 05/12/2023 21:29

I agree they’re not ‘in-laws’.

You have a history of breaking up with the father of your children, and you’ve made no legal commitment to this one. They might be making a call on how long you (and your older son) will be around.

“You have a history of breaking up with the father of your children”
So because she broke up with her previous partner she might not be able to sustain this relationship? How do you know her previous partner hasn’t god forbid passed away, or that he was violent or had an affair? Or they might have just not been working and she made the sensible decision to break up rather than be unhappy?

So what if they are not married it’s not the 1950’s not everyone wants that. Such a strange thing to say? They are not “in-laws” by law okay, but most people would describe them as that who are unmarried in a committed relationship

MilkChocolateCookie · 05/12/2023 22:04

My grandparents and my parents have both had a mixture of biological grandchildren and step GC. I think it's nice if they treat them the same but a bonus not an expectation.

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2023 22:08

Does your older son see his father abd have contact with his paternal grandparents - who dies he see as his father

the nothing on his birthday was wrong but Christmas I thubn they are handling ok

autienotnaughty · 05/12/2023 22:27

They are not your son's parents and there is a difference. Does your son have a dad and paternal grandparents/relatives?Typically your son would get gifts from his family and it would work out.

My dd gets £30 from my husbands parents. Whereas ds gets £50 from them (his paternal grandparents ) They both get £50 each from my dad. Dd gets I think £20 from her paternal grandparents. But dh and I spend the same on both of them. Her dad spends £20 on her ( he has 8 kids and little money)

SD1978 · 05/12/2023 22:42

They aren't his grandparents. You have an expectation they are treated the same, and they don't agree. Your older son, in theory has 2 sets of grandparents, as does your younger son. I understand you want them to be equal- but if you and your partner split up- they will never see the older child again. Whilst I think it's reasonable to ask the disparity isn't as large/ obvious, to tell them they have to give your older child the same recognition isn't necessarily fair, given that as I've already said, you split up they never see him again.

andyourpointiswhat · 05/12/2023 22:45

I would assume your older child gets presents/money from his own extended family. If not that is really not your boyfriend’s parents issue. They are not ignoring him but he is not their grandchild so I think giving him something but not as much as their grandchild is reasonable. As a grandparent I adore my son’s child because she is my son’s child. If any of my kids had partners with their own kids of course I would be nice to them but I would hate to be expected to love them in the same way because I just wouldn’t.

SawX · 05/12/2023 22:47

One of the many reasons blended families are shit. It's up to you as the parent to make things as equal as you can, not your boyfriend's parents.

BellaAndDave · 05/12/2023 22:57

In your post you come across as demanding and angry @Sammylou99. You can’t control or demand that your partners parents do anything. Surely it’s their choice? You’re saying they’re not allowed to give gifts to any of your children if they don’t make the gifts the same, you don’t have the right to do that and it sounds very controlling. They’re not leaving your son out, they’ve offered money, why don’t you buy something both children can make use of or spend the total amount of money on something the four of you would enjoy like a day out? This situation doesn’t need to be confrontational but you appear to making it a massive issue.

x88mph · 05/12/2023 22:57

Does your DS call these people Grandma and Grandad like your youngest will? I was told to call my DSM’s Mum “Grandma” so in my young mind we were all equal as grandchildren. The difference in the gifts (and affection) we received was massive. It left me with a feeling that I was somehow worth less than the other DGC. I didn’t understand the difference at all. I didn’t articulate it and none of the adults in my life addressed it. I still feel sad about it 40 years on.

ChristmasModeActivated · 06/12/2023 06:53

This thread is so sad to read; people’s attitudes towards step children is one of the reasons I will never blend my family.

I was a step child with a younger sibling and a larger age gap. It was shit. My own DF was not in the picture so as a young child I was desperate to be accepted by my sibling’s family. They were nice enough but it was painfully obvious I was the step child and it affected me greatly.

Grown adults wilfully treating children from the same family so differently because they’re not ‘blood’ is so sad . I’ve seen first hand the disagreements and friction caused over Christmas , birthdays etc. We are talking about children, with feelings and real self esteem issues at risk over £50!

We have step DC in our extended family and I am the only one to ensure they get the same value of gifts every year.

Wolfpa · 06/12/2023 07:10

Is your eldest’s dad involved? If so then surely they will actually get more over all as they will be getting from three families instead of two.

it is about being treated fairly which doesn’t necessarily mean equally. My step nephew gets the same in gifts and holidays as my nephew does but on top of the gifts my nephew also gets monthly contributions into a private pension from his grandparents would you say this was unfair?

TokyoSushi · 06/12/2023 07:20

They aren't his grandparents. I assume that he has people who are his grandparents? That's where your focus should be. These are just people who care about him and it's nice that they're giving him a gift. I think you have your viewpoint a bit skewed on this one.

FloweryName · 06/12/2023 07:28

I dont think it’s fair for you to expect them to treat another child the same as their own grandchild. You definitely shouldn’t be starting rows with your partner about it.

If you and your DP were married then maybe they would have slightly more obligation, but they are already giving your child money which is generous of them.

Doubleespresso33 · 06/12/2023 07:33

PosteriorPosterity · 05/12/2023 20:38

Because there is only legal and “in-law” status if they’re married.

Show quote history

Maybe from a legal perspective but no one else is bothered by that. As far as most people are concerned you’re a DIL without needing to be married. It’s not that deep

QueenofTerrasen · 06/12/2023 07:34

Do your older child's grandparents on their dad's side buy gifts for your youngest?

InefficientProcess · 06/12/2023 07:35

I think you’re being ungrateful in expecting everyone to view your children the same way. You have two children but they only have one grandchild.

Your partner’s parents are getting both your children something. They’re not leaving you older DS out. Focusing on the monetary value isn’t helpful. Nor is trying to control what they do.

Presumably your older child also has a father and paternal grandparents - and no one is insisting they must match the value of their presents to make it fair or the same for your younger child.

samcartersg1 · 06/12/2023 07:36

What's the situation with your older child's father's family?

Also, they aren't your older child's grandparents.

DiaNaranja · 06/12/2023 07:37

I guess from your partner's parents perspective, if you and your partner split up, likelihood is these people would never ever get to see your eldest son again. It must be hard to become overly attached and bonded to a child who not only isn't a biological relation, but who could disappear from your life one day and that's that. I'm not saying it's right, but I do kind of understand how they must feel. Your younger son IS their grandchild, your eldest isn't. I don't think they're being unfair as it sounds like they're just contributing money, and that difference in amount doesn't need to be mentioned or discussed with your eldest, as he's too young to need to know that his baby brother got more, and the reasoning for this. Just put the money in their bank accounts, say thanks, and move on. If it were one huge stack of presents for one and a token gift for the other, I can see why that would be harder to explain, but this is the reality of a blended family, and your son should know these people aren't blood relatives, and be aware of his biological family.

Snowdogsmitten · 06/12/2023 07:41

Does your son have four actual grandparents to spoil him? I don’t think I’d expect the same treatment for both from my partner’s parents, they’re not related to him. And anything they get is a bonus when he already has two sets of grandparents of his own.

pastypirate · 06/12/2023 07:47

I get the rationale that he isn't their grandchild but it's still mean. We have children in our family who have been from my nieces and nephews previous relationships so not blood relatives. We treat them the same and are grateful to have them.

Paddleboarder · 06/12/2023 07:47

Maybe they do not view him as their grandchild (because he isn't).
Maybe they are afraid of thinking of him in that way in case you split up, which is always possible whatever you think now.
Doesn't your son have his own grandparents to buy him gifts? Does he get a gift from his dad? I think if he is noticing, then you have to help him to understand that these are not his grandparents, and if you feel it is necessary buy him an extra gift yourself.

StayingUpSleepingIn · 06/12/2023 08:03

Do your older child's grandparents on their dad's side buy gifts for your youngest?

Thats not at all comparable.

I can see both sides OP. They’re not your older child’s grandparents so you can’t really dictate.

But I can’t imagine my son or daughter having a step child and not treating them the same in terms birthday/Xmas gifts. I couldn’t do it to a child and I’d want a good relationship with everyone.

I don’t know the answer OP and it’s one reason why I think so called blended families don’t really work. As your oldest child grows up, you’ll be able to explain it to him more.

Ellie1015 · 06/12/2023 08:47

Yabu. Important they include your child too but they don't have to treat exactly the same.

Tbh i dont treat my own children the same either. Teen stuff is more expensive so often spend more on 13 year old than 9 year old. Some years spend more on one as they are getting a big item that year eg a bike or a phone.

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