Too many presents off MIL

MommaTonda · 2023-12-01T12:04:19+00:00

I realise this has been discussed before but everyone's scenarios are different... I am lucky enough to have a very generous and supportive MIL who adores my kids (4 + 5). Some history: MIL is a shopaholic. She has the kids once a week, more in the holidays (like I said, I'm very lucky and this is NOT a MIL bashing post, I would be lost without her). - Every time the kids go to her house, there is a box in the room the kids sleep in which has new toys in it. This happens even if they're there 4 days in a week - there will be 4 new toys. - She buys them presents on my birthday, my husbands birthday, my brother in law's birthday, each other's birthdays, her birthday etc - Christmas day they will have a sack and a stocking each from her. These aren't Santa's presents. These are just from MIL. I try not to get the kids too much for Christmas morning as I know there will be stacks coming later when granny arrives. When I was 6 my dad re-married and I had a step-brother. He was VERY ungrateful and spoilt (step-mum bought him anything he wanted as she felt guilty about divorcing his dad) and I guess it stems from that but I'm terrified my kids will turn into entitled spoilt brats like he was. Their birthday's are also in December so it's a lot. Obviously I've spoken to her about it, as has my husband and she listens for about a month and then goes overboard again. My husband has tried asking her nicely to tone it down, he has also told her sternly and given her reasons. It doesn't work! Any tips? Thanks

ColourByNumbers88 · 01/12/2023 12:08

It's very generous, could you convince her to use the money in a savings account for them instead? That would mount up to be an enormous sum and come in handy when they are 18. Give her access to the account so she can see it accrue.

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:10

I've tried. We could use that money to have a family holiday! But she just LOVES to shop. I've been shopping with her, she literally can't go in a shop without buying something!!

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Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2023 12:15

That's so bad for the environment let alone the stuff accumulating in your house AND the attention span your kids will have with toys.

I'd just say curtly to stop or they will be put straight to the charity shop.
I'd also point out it's not good to have so many new toys as the kids won't be able to focus and create imagination play because they will just move on to the new thing straight away.
And then I'd actually just ask her if she thinks if she has a shopping addiction.

Well, I wouldn't but I'd get DH to first and if she didn't listen I'd either be more straight about it and if that didn't work I'd threaten putting the kids to nursery 🤣

Like, yes, it's nice she's doing it but it is way OTT

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2023 12:15

Premium bonds also good idea as then you have the element of winning a prize

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:32

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2023 12:15

That's so bad for the environment let alone the stuff accumulating in your house AND the attention span your kids will have with toys.

I'd just say curtly to stop or they will be put straight to the charity shop.
I'd also point out it's not good to have so many new toys as the kids won't be able to focus and create imagination play because they will just move on to the new thing straight away.
And then I'd actually just ask her if she thinks if she has a shopping addiction.

Well, I wouldn't but I'd get DH to first and if she didn't listen I'd either be more straight about it and if that didn't work I'd threaten putting the kids to nursery 🤣

Like, yes, it's nice she's doing it but it is way OTT

Yes the environmental side of it does get to me as a lot of it is plastic. We talked about this with her before and one year she stopped buying plastic (unless it was second hand) but the next year it was back to normal again 😫
Unfortunately she doesn't really listen to DH and I hate these sorts of discussions. I don't want to be rude or upset her as she does so much for us and the kids!

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ColourByNumbers88 · 01/12/2023 12:35

If she won't listen then there's not a lot you can do. Sell the toys and put the money in an account. Ask her to pay for a family holiday instead?

Charlie2121 · 01/12/2023 12:41

We can swap MIL’s for a while if that helps. You won’t get overloaded with gifts but you also won’t get an hour of childcare from her let alone an overnight stay. Nor indeed will you get any financial or logistical support for anything whatsoever for the entirety of your child’s upbringing.

Let me know what dates you want to do and I’ll get it set up.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 01/12/2023 12:42

Yeah. Sell the toys and save the money for the kids. Tell her that's what you're doing.

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:42

I think I've accepted that there isn't a lot I can do to change her behaviour. I guess the advice I'm looking for is what I can say to or do with my kids to make sure the excessive presents don't affect them negatively.

Like talking to them about how lucky they are or getting them to give some things to charity themselves... ??

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Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2023 12:43

You're going to have to be blunt or put up with it though.

So if you're afraid to have the conversation then just send a txt.
"I know you love buying the children toys for when they are with you but it's getting too much now and I'm even worrying about the amount you will give them for Christmas. Could you please limit what you are buying (1 toy a month, 1 or 2 small things for Christmas) as they have so much already. Thanks."

Something like that. I definitely would

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:45

Charlie2121 · 01/12/2023 12:41

We can swap MIL’s for a while if that helps. You won’t get overloaded with gifts but you also won’t get an hour of childcare from her let alone an overnight stay. Nor indeed will you get any financial or logistical support for anything whatsoever for the entirety of your child’s upbringing.

Let me know what dates you want to do and I’ll get it set up.

Oh no thank you, I realise that I am also spoilt!!

I'm just after tips for things to do with the kids to stop them turning into brats. I wouldn't change my MIL for the world, despite the excess!

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ThankYoufortheDay · 01/12/2023 12:45

My mother used to do this and all the family told her not to go over the top and she never ever listened so we gave up.

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:47

Thank you all. I guess it's more tips for what I do with the kids or say to the kids to stop them turning into spoilt brats rather than tips for how to deal with MIL.

At least that's something I can affect!

Thank you

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LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 12:47

Tell her now that 2024 is going to be a plastic-free year in your house and the firmly do not accept/allow any into your house. Full stop.

Books are ok if she must.

When it starts piling up at her house, maybe she'll get a grip.

What is her financial situation?

Isheabastard · 01/12/2023 12:49

It’s difficult I agree.

Could her shopping addiction be turned to buying clothes, sport equipment or shoes for them? Stuff you would have to buy anyway for them?

Would she be amenable to buying stuff but giving you the receipt/gift receipt so you can take things back. I do this with my Dd.

Give her a list of things you Intend to buy for them?

This is probably more about her than them if she’s a shopaholic.

Ref the boys becoming ungrateful. One option is to get them to regularly sort their toys and give away stuff to charities for deprived children. Obviously this is not the same as binning or giving knackered toys to charity shops. My relative does the shoeboxes. Stuff for a boy, stuff for a girl. You wrap the shoebox in Christmas wrapping and off it goes to the charity.

My relative loves Xmas and the shopping and wrapping and this helps her fill that need as well as benefitting other children.

Just a thought, could your Mil start the shoebox thing as well. She won’t get the thrill from seeing your boys faces light up, but she may be happy to divert some stuff to really deprived children?

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 12:49

Charlie2121 · 01/12/2023 12:41

We can swap MIL’s for a while if that helps. You won’t get overloaded with gifts but you also won’t get an hour of childcare from her let alone an overnight stay. Nor indeed will you get any financial or logistical support for anything whatsoever for the entirety of your child’s upbringing.

Let me know what dates you want to do and I’ll get it set up.

Are you saying that MILs should be providing childcare and financial assistance? You sound resentful.

This prevailing notion that grandparents are obliged to do a second round of child rearing, or be thought ill of, is quite annoying.

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:50

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 12:47

Tell her now that 2024 is going to be a plastic-free year in your house and the firmly do not accept/allow any into your house. Full stop.

Books are ok if she must.

When it starts piling up at her house, maybe she'll get a grip.

What is her financial situation?

She was in debt and had to do equity release on the house to pay it off and now she's getting into debt again but that's a different discussion! It's something DH and my BIL are trying to help her with and not my place to get involved.

OP posts:

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 12:52

Isheabastard · 01/12/2023 12:49

It’s difficult I agree.

Could her shopping addiction be turned to buying clothes, sport equipment or shoes for them? Stuff you would have to buy anyway for them?

Would she be amenable to buying stuff but giving you the receipt/gift receipt so you can take things back. I do this with my Dd.

Give her a list of things you Intend to buy for them?

This is probably more about her than them if she’s a shopaholic.

Ref the boys becoming ungrateful. One option is to get them to regularly sort their toys and give away stuff to charities for deprived children. Obviously this is not the same as binning or giving knackered toys to charity shops. My relative does the shoeboxes. Stuff for a boy, stuff for a girl. You wrap the shoebox in Christmas wrapping and off it goes to the charity.

My relative loves Xmas and the shopping and wrapping and this helps her fill that need as well as benefitting other children.

Just a thought, could your Mil start the shoebox thing as well. She won’t get the thrill from seeing your boys faces light up, but she may be happy to divert some stuff to really deprived children?

Yes good idea, I'll try the shoebox thing for granny and I'll also get my kids to do it so they understand that not all kids are as lucky as them. Thank you.

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ThankYoufortheDay · 01/12/2023 13:00

If your children are not old enough to notice, can you put some of the presents aside and keep them for other children’s birthday parties? You could save a fortune.

Original poster

MommaTonda · 01/12/2023 13:01

ThankYoufortheDay · 01/12/2023 13:00

If your children are not old enough to notice, can you put some of the presents aside and keep them for other children’s birthday parties? You could save a fortune.

Ha! Yes good plan I didn't think of this 😅

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FrangipaniBlue · 01/12/2023 13:09

"I was thinking, as they are at yours quite regular and do love coming so much I think it would be a good deal to keep anything you buys them at yours?

That way they have toys when they visit and you get the joy of seeing DV play with them, isn't that wonderful MIL?"

PlumpAndGrump · 01/12/2023 13:10

Tell MIL that although you are very grateful, you are limited for space and are now implementing a one in, one out system for new toys for the foreseeable. Tell her there is no point buying them so much for birthday as some of it will have to be cleared out for Christmas things. Then suggest money as an alternative if she still wishes to gift, and ensure the kids write/draw a thank you note with a message about what they will buy with all the saved up money. Eg a more expensive item.

I started with my mum who is similar saying that all Christmas or birthday gifts bought by her stay at her house for them to play with as they have enough at home. It soon cut down.

Charlie2121 · 01/12/2023 13:16

LaurieStrode · 01/12/2023 12:49

Are you saying that MILs should be providing childcare and financial assistance? You sound resentful.

This prevailing notion that grandparents are obliged to do a second round of child rearing, or be thought ill of, is quite annoying.

Show quote history

It was a tongue in cheek response.

We have never had any non paid for childcare. Literally every hour we have needed away from our child has had to be paid for by us. Every nursery or school pick up and drop off has to be done by us.

I’m not sure we’ve ever had a relative do so much as cook a meal for us when we had a new born and we have certainly never received anything for our child, not even a token gift when they were born.

We’re OK with that as we knew it was likely to be that way so made sure we had significant financial resources behind us before we had a child.

When I hear people bemoaning the support they get it sounds a bit crass to me although I guess what is normal for one isn’t necessarily the same for another.

saraclara · 01/12/2023 13:19

I think that your DH and BIL need to address this with her in connection with the help they're trying to give her about her debt.

I'd find it hugely difficult to accept gifts that she'd bought by getting into debt (which if she's already done equity release, is going to be even harder to get out of).

I recognise that you're wisely keeping back from those discussions, but maybe you can discuss with your DH whether it's time for you to say "MIL, every time you buy something for the kids, it's as if you're involving them in increasing your debt, and it makes me very uncomfortable"

Nagado · 01/12/2023 13:33

I think she’s not really going to care about the sheer volume or the money or the environment because none of those things are going to outweigh the pleasure she gets from spoiling them and seeing their excitement.

What might work is if she thinks that they’ll eventually see her as little more than a branch of Smyths. Ask her how she’ll feel when they get to the stage where they’re ’yeah alright nan, enough with the cuddles, what have you got for us?’ She’s damaging her future relationship with them.