Too many presents off MIL

[MommaTonda]

I realise this has been discussed before but everyone's scenarios are different...

I am lucky enough to have a very generous and supportive MIL who adores my kids (4 + 5).

Some history:
MIL is a shopaholic. She has the kids once a week, more in the holidays (like I said, I'm very lucky and this is NOT a MIL bashing post, I would be lost without her).

• Every time the kids go to her house, there is a box in the room the kids sleep in which has new toys in it. This happens even if they're there 4 days in a week - there will be 4 new toys.

• She buys them presents on my birthday, my husbands birthday, my brother in law's birthday, each other's birthdays, her birthday etc

• Christmas day they will have a sack and a stocking each from her. These aren't Santa's presents. These are just from MIL.

I try not to get the kids too much for Christmas morning as I know there will be stacks coming later when granny arrives.

When I was 6 my dad re-married and I had a step-brother. He was VERY ungrateful and spoilt (step-mum bought him anything he wanted as she felt guilty about divorcing his dad) and I guess it stems from that but I'm terrified my kids will turn into entitled spoilt brats like he was. Their birthday's are also in December so it's a lot.

Obviously I've spoken to her about it, as has my husband and she listens for about a month and then goes overboard again. My husband has tried asking her nicely to tone it down, he has also told her sternly and given her reasons. It doesn't work!

Any tips?

Thanks

Tbh it's not stuff that makes kids spoilt it's the values you instil in them IME. My lot got everything their heart's desired but they weren't spoilt because I wouldn't have entertained bratty behaviour. I knew a lot of kids who had a lot less who were spoilt though because their parents allowed behaviour and attitude that I would have stamped on.

I'd sell some toys and put the money away for them (they could be involved and watch the money grow) and encourage them to donate some to a charity.

I would deal with this more bluntly - tell her that it is too much and it has to stop - this must be done by your DH as it is his mother.

I would also be honest about the problem and tell my children that Granny buys too much, some people do this and for whatever reason she can't stop. So what we are going to do is to choose the best things and then share the rest with other children who don't have as many toys as we do.

Get them to choose a few things from her haul at Christmas and give the rest away, unopened if possible.

You can't let her problem become your children's problem. But to protect them you have to name it and talk about it openly.

I think this demonstrates a moral obligation to say 'enough'. She is getting into debt. If you accept the gifts and provide the emotional high of the children being excited, you are enabling this very unhealthy behaviour.

Boundaries are needed as this behaviour is clearly out of control.

My mum does this and it drives me nuts. I have tried talking to her about it countless times but it made no difference, eventually she started trying to hide the new things in with DD's things in the hope I somehow wouldn't notice so I would go into her drawers/cupboard/toybox/bookcase and find new clothes with the tags on or new toys or books.
I got to the point that I told her bluntly, I really appreciate the thought but we actually don't have the space for all the things you are buying so if more stuff starts to appear then I'll need to put it in to the charity shop so of you feel the need to spend money on her then you'd be better to put it into the bank account. She either didn't believe me or couldn't help herself so it wasn't long before I was finding more new hidden things, so I packed them up for the charity shop and when she next came round she saw the bag of things and asked what it was and I said it was the stuff for the charity shop like I'd explained. She was annoyed at me but said she would take them to keep at her house instead. Now any time stuff appears I ask her if she wants them back or should I take them to the charity shop. It has meant that she has now cut right back on what she buys, she still does it every now and again but it's not to the crazy extent that it used to be. It was easier to do as she's my mum though, it might be better for your DH to be the one to do it if you try this.

I told grandma that all the toys would be given to charity as we were providing all the toys they needed but we would love for her to buy panto tickets instead so that we could have a day with her.

She could've stand the thought of everything she bought going straight to charity so she bought the panto tickets and it turned into a nice tradition every year.

She got to be Queen Bee in her home and entertain us and cook a marvellous lunch and in the afternoon we went to the panto which the children loved. I quite enjoyed some of the Panto's we went to. The Chuckle brothers were surprisingly very good!

You have to be firm.

I would keep them all at her house. The clutter might put her off buying more.

It does sound like she has an addiction unfortunately.

I think children are clever enough to realise that just because MIL always gives them toys it doesn’t mean they can always have whatever they want. They can understand that there are different rules/ expectations at different houses.

They usually have drop off points for toys for charity. New and used. .. for kids in women's refuge etc.. can you donate some stuff to something like this?

Personally, I'd ask MIL to give the gifts to me (you!) and then save them up until Christmas and ta da! Christmas sorted and it's cost you nothing! (Half joking)

I don’t have any young children to buy for but the other day I had a look around the toy department in a large store… couldn’t believe the huge amount of plastic sh1te that was on sale there! If Just Stop oil leads to less of this oil-based soon - to-be-land fill-rubbish then I’m might start to agree with them!

Could you do a reverse advent with them in November where they put a present they have in a box each day and donate to a charity shop at the beginning of December? Donate to food banks etc. Would she be interested in a gift list for Christmas so at least she's buying what you want?

We have similar with my DH parents but we don't see them so much so not as noticeable. I've channeled them towards paying for shoes and she buys lots of clothes but at least checks they're right size etc with us first.

There are three separate problems here:

First your worry about your children becoming 'spoilt'. It is not excess material goods that spoil children, but rather poor parenting and toleration of selfish or bratty behaviour. This is entirely in your control. Encourage your children to be generous in giving away stuff and thinking about others and you will have no issues.

Second, your house becoming full up. Just give it all away, regularly. MIL can't force you to keep it all.

Third, MIL debt and addiction - that is for your DH to address, You can't do anything.

My dd was friendly with a girl whose dm had, as my granny would say, more money than sense. When LOL dolls were the rage most of the class had one or two, she had the entire series. Little brother collected match attax cards and his collection was into the thousands. You get the idea.

They are lovely dc. I’ve had them both on play dates and couldn’t fault them. It was a bit of an eye opener because I equated stuff with being spoilt. I have a theory now that spoiling probably happens when stuff is made to stand in for attention, love, and thoughtful parenting.

DC might not be able to articulate it, but they know that things don’t make up for those things, and they express it by not valuing the toys because in truth they are paltry substitutes for what they are really craving.

It doesn’t really sound like you have much to worry about on that score. Just establish a good and regular decluttering practice. It’s enough to let them know their excess goes to a good cause. As they get older they might raise money with a car boot sale and donate some of it to causes they care about, etc. But I think you’re going to be ok.

My mil is very similar. My dc are 14 and 10 now and I’ve learnt to embrace it… and give them the expensive item choices!

.

Sadly I’ve got one of those “doesn’t put her hand in her pocket” MILs. Also doesn’t help. Also spends hundreds and hundreds of pounds on new clothes for herself that look exactly like her existing (still in perfect condition) clothes and likes to show me 🤦🏼‍♀️ Then drops hints about crashing our days out. No way…especially if she’s not even paying for herself 😂

Enjoy the generosity of your MIL OP.

Thank you all for your very helpful replies. I have taken all advice on board! The idea that it's not 'stuff' that spoils your kids has helped my massively too. Have a great Christmas!