For those who find Christmas hard

[TomMriddlee]

I used to absolutely love Christmas but the last couple of years I’ve had grief stricken Christmases and I did not enjoy Christmas at all. I cannot have kids of my own as I suffer from recurrent miscarriages so it’s a reminder of what I’ll not have and I suppose that’s why I feel that way and my miscarriages were always around this time. The last thing I wanted was to be sociable and fake being joyful when I was the most depressed I’ve ever been.

I am not at all a Christmas hater but struggle to believe I’ll feel the magic again as I feel it’s tainted for me.

Has Christmas ever been ruined for you and did you ever get your love for it ‘back’?

I don’t want to be a miser 😂 so I’m on the mince pies (it’s a hard life in the name of science) and Christmas rom coms to try to get a bit festive. 🎅 I also do enjoy the work Christmas party. So maybe I’m not that bad at Christmas just not the same as I was.

Just a chat thread really and also I’m sorry to those who find Christmas really hard and please do share it you want to 🧡.

Btw I’m aware it’s too early for some, but I’m trying to work myself up to it in good time!

Yes, I found it incredibly hard for quite a few years after losing a very dear friend in the boxing day Tsunami among a series of other tragedies that happened in a short time.

I found a lot of peace and comfort in church services at Christmas -i'm not particularly religious but I love the songs and also that there is always an acknowledgement and prayer for people going through difficult times.

Curling up with Christmassy books I also always still enjoyed.

But sometimes I wanted to hide away from it all, and it did take a long time to feel like I could enjoy Christmas again.

I think allowing yourself to pick and choose and do the bits you still like is key . I hated Christmas shopping I used to get really ragey about excessive needless consumption (and I still do tbh) so i tend to avoid the shops

@WrongSwanson i am so sorry for your loss.

Very interesting about the hymns. Thank you for that. I am not particularly religious either but there are parts of Christianity I very much like and like you I find services and churches in general very comforting.

“I think allowing yourself to pick and choose and do the bits you still like is key.” This is great advice and what I will try to do. After my mc I was very ragey about the needless consumption as it all seemed very shallow and meaningless. I couldn’t have given a flying fuck about presents. 😂

Hope you enjoy Christmas the best you can this year.

Also… do you prefer Tammy 1 or Tammy 2? 😉

I used to love Christmas and trying to make it magical for everyone. Then I had three Christmases in a row when I ended up in A & E with an eldelry parent and my dad had an aneurism on Christmas day a couple of years ago, dying four days later. Im just glad to get through it without incident nowadays!

<trembles at mention of Tammy 😆>

I am so sorry for your loss and your terrible Christmases. When you say you’re glad to get through it without incident - I take that as you being thankful and actually that’s a great attitude and maybe what I should take too. Not feeling ‘magical’ but just being thankful.

sniffs “she’s here.”

Have a look for 'blue christmas' church services, as they're specifically aimed at people suffering from loss or loneliness at Christmas.

Also maybe come up with your own seasonal ritual to honour your loss - I found the Buddhist idea of Jizo comforting, and would make an offering (a charitable donation) to a relevant charity. I found giving something that required a bit of effort, such as picking a toy for a toy drive or filling a shoebox to be sent somewhere more fulfilling than simply transferring cash.

Carve out the space to sit with your grief, and maybe also honour the idea of change and looking forwards - first footing, wassailing, twelfth night celebrations, new years eve - build that in to remind yourself that things change, even if the only change is how you feel about something. It does get easier.

Thank you so much @Speedweed for your kind and thoughtful response. This is lovely and so helpful. Will look at blue winter.

Me! Lots of close bereavements over the last ten years and a crushing relationship breakup My family is now only me and my sibling. It's hard. Most Christmas days involve a few tears. I try to enjoy late November and early Dec. The build up, wrapping, watching Christmas films are all enjoyable. Also key has been acknowledging out loud that it's hard. Just voicing that I find it hard has opened up lovely conversations with all sorts of friends and acquaintances who also find it hard

I used to love Christmas. Then my Dad died in 2014 and although I still looked forward to it I also started to dislike it as well. Then on Christmas Day 2018 I woke up to find I was having my 2nd miscarriage and then a couple of months before Christmas of 2019 I had my 4th miscarriage. Now I hate Christmas with a passion.

'Has Christmas ever been ruined for you and did you ever get your love for it ‘back’?'

I'm so very sorry about your losses OP. I certainly don't love Christmas, but I'm more peaceful about it than I used to be. There is far too much pressure on people to love it all and find it magical etc, I think it's important not to stress out if it's a time of year that you find stressful / sad / lonely. You're definitely not alone! Accepting that it's a hard time of year for you can make it less hard, if you see what I mean

There's a lovely book called 'Wintering' by Katherine May. It's not specifically about Christmas, but about the importance of slowing down, resting, making space for difficult feelings. I find it a really comforting read at this time of year

I am going to join you thread but I am much sorry so many other peoples find xmas hard

like lots of you my world shattered a few years ago when my dad died young. He should not have
Then my sister died (she was only early 30s) 2 years ago

my mum (also young only in her 60s) is is a nursing home so most times at xmas I take a sandwich and eat it on my lap whilst mum watches TV it is pretty miserable to be honest (I am not a Tv watcher at all)

I am SO lonely over xmas. I love the run up to it with lights, jumpers, music etc but from xmas eve everything shuts down and I am just by my own

I always try have a plan in place cos all my activities stop over xmas and I can go 10 days with seeing no one.

My plan this year is xmas day go for a meal out with my friend befor visiting mum, means I will have a actual cooked xmas dinner for once and I am actually looking forward to xmas day for the first time in years

Boxing Day I am going to walk with my friends doggy

back to work on the Wednesday

saturday 23rd I have gym so that is good
i will always normally have gym xmas eve as well but this year he is no doing it which has completely throwed me cos where else am I supposed to go? I am much upset about it xmas eve alone is no fun when it every year

I’ve been trying my hardest to love Christmas for years but I’m yet to get there.
If it was just me I’d ignore it completely but obviously the DC love it.
It was all ruined for me on Xmas day 20 years ago when my ex assaulted me. He then made me go to his parents with our DD and all his family and I had to pretend to have a lovely day. I can still remember being on the brink of tears all day.

It ruined it for me completely. The run up to Christmas every year is now filled with dread. It’s like November hits and the memories and feelings all come flooding back.

I put on a brave face and get through it as best I can thought. I find volunteering around Christmas helps. In my mind it balances out the bad feeling I have if I can help someone else feel a bit better.

I'm sorry for you losses.

I love Xmas in general but I went through 10 years of infertility and at the 6 year mark got pregnant at Xmas then had a MMC. The Xmases after that where really hard for a while and I still wonder what if, I'm sorry your going through that.

I have no advice or magical cure but I hope you get your happily ever after and it at least heals part of your pain.

I’m sorry for all of you who have had such difficult experiences at this time of year. I think I have struggled with Christmas most of my life since I was a young teen and my dad died. My mum stopped making any effort, and I began to feel anxious and depressed about it.
I’m 55 now, a lovely Dh and two adult dc and a young teen still at home. I still get anxious and a bit depressed about Christmas, I have this empty feeling.
This year is extra hard my lovely brother passed away in the summer. I miss him dreadfully.

I managed to re-frame things in my mind to not link them with Christmas, if that makes sense? My grandmother died on Christmas Day, we buried my grandfather the next Christmas Eve and I sadly suffered a miscarriage one Christmas Day.

I do have a large extended family and had DC already when I lost the baby so I was very lucky in many ways and I took the pragmatic stance that I'd have been sad whatever day we lost GPs and devastated whatever day I'd lost a baby - that my sadness didn't depend on the time of year. I didn't want to turn Christmas into a time of mourning and misery for everyone so instead I was brisk about it the next year and just focused on enjoying Christmas traditions with everyone else rather than wallowing in my own sadness. I'm really sorry for your losses, OP (and everyone else's).

For me, it worked to think 'well my feelings about my loss are there, and constant. I'm not sadder today than I was three months ago, so why spend today dwelling on unhappy thoughts? Focus on the positives.'

I do agree with only doing what you want to, or can cope with though.

Hate it. Everyone who has a family cannot understand when you don’t anymore so they stop doing all the year round activities to spend time with their family

I am so sorry for all your losses and I completely relate.

@TomMriddlee Thank you. It's shit innit

It’s the shittest, most undesirable and loneliest club. Lots of love to you.

“Has Christmas ever been ruined for you and did you ever get your love for it ‘back’?”

Yes, and no.

Fuck Christmas, right up Santa’s ass with a big rubber dick!

😂😂😂

That is sad 💐