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Christmas

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Original poster

Ideas to help DH.

33 replies

Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 05:05

DH struggles very much with Christmas. His mother is a functioning alcoholic and it was a terrible time for him. He's now NC with all but one family member, who is extremely LC.

I hate to see him struggle every year.

Can anyone suggest things to help? Alternative ideas? He desperately wants to join in and try. But he usually ends up in tears.

Yes, he's having regular counselling.

We've already tried renaming our Christmas tree to a winter tree. No other decoration. All things on tree reminder of us.

I only give gifts to him where he knows what is inside. So he won't have to pretend to like it. I also organise the family to give gifts I know he will love. They are happy to accommodate his fears. He is never expected to open gifts in front of anyone.

We are trying to visit family on 23rd this year for my typical family party. My sister has offered to bring her dog, so DH has the excuse to take dog out if he needs a break. DH is one of the dog's favourite people.

We avoid things like Christmas events locally. DH has agreed to try one tourist attraction so I can fulfill something on my bucket list that is Christmas related. But we'll go in and out as fast as possible.

I just want to make him happy. It's so sad every year to see him in an internal battle.

OP posts:
Inyourwildestdreams · 14/11/2023 05:15

@Spencer0220 That sounds difficult. I’m glad he’s having regular counselling.

Might not be a suggestion for this year but have you tried going on holiday at Christmas? Maybe removing the pressure of family etc one year will help him.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 05:21

Good idea. Unfortunately not visible because of all the medical care I need

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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 06:35

I meant viable, obviously 🙄

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something2say · 14/11/2023 06:41

Hiya. I'm not quite clear on why he struggles so much - is it because he is NC / LC with his family and Christmas is a family time and it reminds him of his shit family?

My counsellor when I was very young told me, 'Start your OWN traditions. If you haven't any family traditions to join in with and feel left out, create your OWN and do them every year.' It really did help me. Maybe it might help your husband?

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 06:42

If he could do anything he wants this Christmas, what would he choose, how would he want to handle it?

I just want to make him happy. It's so sad every year to see him in an internal battle. It reads like you are putting pressure on him too? Maybe the answer is to accept he is sad, then he won't have an internal battle.

Also this: DH has agreed to try one tourist attraction so I can fulfill something on my bucket list that is Christmas related. I think it would be kinder for you to do these Christmas things with someone else.

I would tell him he can take the whole Christmas period off for this year. You go alone to Christmas things, he focuses on his counselling and emotional recovery.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 07:59

something2say · 14/11/2023 06:41

Hiya. I'm not quite clear on why he struggles so much - is it because he is NC / LC with his family and Christmas is a family time and it reminds him of his shit family?

My counsellor when I was very young told me, 'Start your OWN traditions. If you haven't any family traditions to join in with and feel left out, create your OWN and do them every year.' It really did help me. Maybe it might help your husband?

Pretty much that. So much pressure to be someone his mother invented/do what was wanted

That's a really good idea. Thank you

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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 08:01

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 06:42

If he could do anything he wants this Christmas, what would he choose, how would he want to handle it?

I just want to make him happy. It's so sad every year to see him in an internal battle. It reads like you are putting pressure on him too? Maybe the answer is to accept he is sad, then he won't have an internal battle.

Also this: DH has agreed to try one tourist attraction so I can fulfill something on my bucket list that is Christmas related. I think it would be kinder for you to do these Christmas things with someone else.

I would tell him he can take the whole Christmas period off for this year. You go alone to Christmas things, he focuses on his counselling and emotional recovery.

But ask him and his response is that he WANTS to join in. He really wants to overcome this idea that it's horrible

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Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 08:05

It sounds like you're doing lots of good things already, I'm sure he appreciates the thought you put into it.

Have you noticed any parts he does enjoy? For example, watching people open gifts he has bought? Or singing carols? Could he take a lead on cooking the meal?

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 08:09

Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 08:01

But ask him and his response is that he WANTS to join in. He really wants to overcome this idea that it's horrible

Show quote history

I'm sure he does want to overcome it, but sometimes it takes time.

If you're talking about 'bucket lists' that's a lot of emotional pressure from you. He grew up having to please his parents, now he's having to please you. Why do you need to do this bucket list stuff this particular year?

You could dial it down if you want to give a little space for recovery.

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 08:11

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 08:05

It sounds like you're doing lots of good things already, I'm sure he appreciates the thought you put into it.

Have you noticed any parts he does enjoy? For example, watching people open gifts he has bought? Or singing carols? Could he take a lead on cooking the meal?

This is very pressuring. The poor man has presumably not yet had space to process how distressing Christmas was.

A period - like a year or two - of <blank> can be helpful, then build up the new.

Just rushing into 'enjoy this enjoy that' doesn't work for many people.

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 08:13

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 08:11

This is very pressuring. The poor man has presumably not yet had space to process how distressing Christmas was.

A period - like a year or two - of <blank> can be helpful, then build up the new.

Just rushing into 'enjoy this enjoy that' doesn't work for many people.

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OK, I thought my suggestion was fairly mild?!... I just meant, watch his behaviour, if there is something that he randomly cheers up about, let him just do that instead of anything else

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 08:47

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 08:05

It sounds like you're doing lots of good things already, I'm sure he appreciates the thought you put into it.

Have you noticed any parts he does enjoy? For example, watching people open gifts he has bought? Or singing carols? Could he take a lead on cooking the meal?

Great idea. He got really perked up when I read him your comment. He thinks observing a lot of things might help him decide what he wants to try.

And yes, he LOVES cooking. Funnily enough especially with my mum. (My mum has been a mum to him since we got serious. They do quite a lot together actually.)

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Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 12:24

Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 08:47

Great idea. He got really perked up when I read him your comment. He thinks observing a lot of things might help him decide what he wants to try.

And yes, he LOVES cooking. Funnily enough especially with my mum. (My mum has been a mum to him since we got serious. They do quite a lot together actually.)

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Cooking is a good one because it takes you out of the way a bit when everyone is being very jolly and you don't feel very jolly yourself. Plus then everyone is grateful and you get to be the hero of the hour haha.

That's really nice that he perked up, thanks for saying so xxx

PastorCarrBonarra · 14/11/2023 12:43

I don’t have useful advice but I wanted to say that your mum and sister sound like really lovely people.

MidnightOnceMore · 14/11/2023 12:46

Mummymummy89 · 14/11/2023 08:13

OK, I thought my suggestion was fairly mild?!... I just meant, watch his behaviour, if there is something that he randomly cheers up about, let him just do that instead of anything else

Show quote history

He sounds like he has quite a lot to process.

It can be a tough road, there's a bit of tortoise and hare about it at times - so trying to enjoy things before fully dealing with the shit side can be counterproductive.

But ultimately, of course, each individual charts their own way through.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 13:26

PastorCarrBonarra · 14/11/2023 12:43

I don’t have useful advice but I wanted to say that your mum and sister sound like really lovely people.

With him, they couldn't be better. They have both risen to the challenge of navigating his ptsd. I think we'd be in a far worse position if it wasn't for them. I can't shoulder everything.

It's quite telling that when he had life saving brain surgery during lockdown, it was my mum who helped nurse him through recovery. His own mother refused. One of the reasons he went no contact

OP posts:
caringcarer · 14/11/2023 14:14

I hope you don't have DC OP. It must be miserable in your house over Xmas time.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 14:50

caringcarer · 14/11/2023 14:14

I hope you don't have DC OP. It must be miserable in your house over Xmas time.

Excuse me?

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Luckydog7 · 14/11/2023 15:08

My first thought was as pp said have a completely non Christmas christmas. Maybe not this year but next?

Its not the same as you but we have had a really stressful time the last few Christmases, being very ill but still trying to live up to the pressure and expectations from family. This year we decided to break the cycle completely and go away to somewhere warm and soend time as our family of four on the beach, eating buffet food. I'm sure our hotel will do something holiday themed but it's easier to avoid if you aren't expected to provide or host yourself.

Daffidale · 15/11/2023 23:26

we’re many years through this. It does get better.

agree with making your own traditions

take the pressure off it needing to be one special day, or needing to feel a certain way at Christmas

We spread our Christmas out, which sounds counter productive but I find it helps by not making it all about One Big Day. So we’ll put the tree and decs up slowly over a few days. Have ann evening when we watch die hard and we make mulled wine and mince pies. We do a present each on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is low key - one year we didn’t even get round to cooking Christmas dinner. Then we watch all the Harry Potter movies starting on Xmas Eve then one to two a day through to New Years Eve. The Marvel movies or Star Wars would work if he’s into them.

If he finds it hard opening gifts in front of the giver, could you take them away and he opens them on his one or just with you there.

I think also let him know it’s OK if he feels sad or ends up crying. People worry they are “ruining everyone else’s Christmas” if they aren’t all jolly, so let him know he’s not and that you’re all there for him.

I hope you both find a way to a peaceful and pleasant Christmas

XelaM · 15/11/2023 23:35

Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 14:50

Excuse me?

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I agree with the poster above. Your DH sounds like a bit of drama queen. Unless anything actually terrible happened to him on Christmas, it's all a bit dramatic and miserable.

Original poster
Spencer0220 · 15/11/2023 23:36

Thank you so much @Daffidale

Actually Christmas is going to be over about 3 days for us.

I'll try and convince him to rewatch Harry Potter. I think he'd like that, and I've never seen them

I don't think it helps honestly that he has the entire period off work. His employer closes business the week before and opens again early January.

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Original poster
Spencer0220 · 16/11/2023 00:17

Thank you

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Sugarfree23 · 16/11/2023 00:27

@Spencer0220 you really are both having a tough time right now. Reading your other thread too.

I think Christmas things that might be nice, films, light switch on, and while I'm not the most religious I do love the midnight service.