Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Ideas to help DH.

33 replies

Spencer0220 · 14/11/2023 05:05

DH struggles very much with Christmas. His mother is a functioning alcoholic and it was a terrible time for him. He's now NC with all but one family member, who is extremely LC.

I hate to see him struggle every year.

Can anyone suggest things to help? Alternative ideas? He desperately wants to join in and try. But he usually ends up in tears.

Yes, he's having regular counselling.

We've already tried renaming our Christmas tree to a winter tree. No other decoration. All things on tree reminder of us.

I only give gifts to him where he knows what is inside. So he won't have to pretend to like it. I also organise the family to give gifts I know he will love. They are happy to accommodate his fears. He is never expected to open gifts in front of anyone.

We are trying to visit family on 23rd this year for my typical family party. My sister has offered to bring her dog, so DH has the excuse to take dog out if he needs a break. DH is one of the dog's favourite people.

We avoid things like Christmas events locally. DH has agreed to try one tourist attraction so I can fulfill something on my bucket list that is Christmas related. But we'll go in and out as fast as possible.

I just want to make him happy. It's so sad every year to see him in an internal battle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 16/11/2023 00:34

Thank you @Sugarfree23

Yeah, rough time of year but we'll get through it.

DH is looking forward to putting the tree up Saturday.

Frankly I think he's more excited about my mum coming, but I don't think that matters.

They have a tradition of putting the tree up together. (I can't help from the wheelchair.)

My mum comes, they do the tree and then cook together. He loves it.

OP posts:
Daffidale · 16/11/2023 19:34

aww that sounds lovely @Spencer0220
making your own traditions FTW :)

DancingDangerously · 16/11/2023 19:42

I was going to link to the other thread discussing this, but it's already been linked. I think you'll find it helpful - there are some really wise comments.

Don't pay any mind to the people kicking you/your DH here - they don't understand what he's dealing with.

MammaWeasel · 16/11/2023 19:58

Ìgnore the people saying your dh is hard work......he is undoubtedly trying so hard. I grew up with a non functioning alcoholic father and Christmas drinking exacerbated that one hundredfold. Christmases were awful, just waiting for him to snap and everything would be ruined. Dinners ruined, presents and tree trashed, the temper, the tension, trying in vain to be invisible and hold in all my emotions.

I'm not saying this to garner sympathy, more to explain to the unsupportive people on this thread.

This year, finally, after what? 26 years of marriage to a wonderful man, I am looking forward to Christmas. I can trust in it. But it's taken that long .

We have made our own traditions and we keep things low key with only my mum visiting (dad has long since died).

I hope this ramble helps. Xxxxx

TedWilson · 16/11/2023 20:12

The idea around creating your own traditions is good...

  • you say he likes walking the dog, could you do a Christmas trail at a National Trust so it feels Christmassy to you but just a walk to him?
  • change the menu - have a curry, pizza , whatever you want!
  • watch summer films instead of Xmas ones!
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 17/11/2023 00:21

MammaWeasel · 16/11/2023 19:58

Ìgnore the people saying your dh is hard work......he is undoubtedly trying so hard. I grew up with a non functioning alcoholic father and Christmas drinking exacerbated that one hundredfold. Christmases were awful, just waiting for him to snap and everything would be ruined. Dinners ruined, presents and tree trashed, the temper, the tension, trying in vain to be invisible and hold in all my emotions.

I'm not saying this to garner sympathy, more to explain to the unsupportive people on this thread.

This year, finally, after what? 26 years of marriage to a wonderful man, I am looking forward to Christmas. I can trust in it. But it's taken that long .

We have made our own traditions and we keep things low key with only my mum visiting (dad has long since died).

I hope this ramble helps. Xxxxx

You have no idea how much this helped. I'm going to show DH. I think it puts in to words, what he's struggled to articulate to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Spencer0220 · 17/11/2023 00:23

TedWilson · 16/11/2023 20:12

The idea around creating your own traditions is good...

  • you say he likes walking the dog, could you do a Christmas trail at a National Trust so it feels Christmassy to you but just a walk to him?
  • change the menu - have a curry, pizza , whatever you want!
  • watch summer films instead of Xmas ones!

Oh it's not our dog, it's my sister's who isn't local. But I will definitely suggest a walk.

We normally eat a normal dinner. Whatever we fancy.

Good suggestions. Thank you

OP posts:
sarah65ishere · 16/12/2023 17:23

Good he is seeing a counsellor..... wondering if this is trauma focused as seems this may be helpful?
a tech ique called stimulus discrimination can be incredibly helpful ... youtube will have examples if you search.... its where you notice what's the same as "back then" (sound, smell, taste, people, feelings etc) and the contrast to now .... helps settle the brain when it enters a sense of threat triggered by historical trauma and enables people to cope and continue in the given situation.... takes a bit of practice.
other than this maybe asking what else he needs in this situation? would he prefer not to celebrate and do his own thing that day? I had a family member who used to take themselves off to the beach for the day on Xmas day as they couldn't stand it. no need to conform, its just a day

New posts on this thread. Refresh page