How can I make my 20yr old step daughter Christmas magical?

[WildFlowerBees]

We have our ups and downs, a lot of downs but she's turning into a really lovely young woman. She gets quite bad anxiety and has trouble making friends. (Long story) so she's quite lonely.

Anyway this year I've asked if she wants to spend Christmas with us as her mum and her dh are seeing his family and she doesn't want to go.

Dh doesn't like Christmas and dsd isn't a huge fan but enjoys the family aspect.

No kids of my own so it'll just be the three of us. I bloody love Christmas and I'd love to make it feel magical without the over the top festivities.

What can we do on Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day to help her enjoy herself, relax and have fun? She'll be going to her boyfriends in the afternoon.

I was thinking of running her a nice bath, glass of bubbles then giving her a facial. I'm hugely into skincare and pleased to say it's rubbed off on her 😬

I would love it if she had a really nice Christmas this year. She can be a bit moody if things don't go her way and it can be hard work.

Just trying to keep things on an even keel so we all enjoy our time together.

That sounds lovely op
i think Christmas Eve can be ‘getting ready’ it’s pampering, face masks, new pjs, a nice dinner and a Christmas movie and popcorn as a family.

Christmas Day can be stockings if you do them with pastries and Buck’s Fizz, before a nice breakfast, more Christmas movies and some games and a family walk. I think it’s nice to have an activity gift each too, something to do or make or read for example for when you need a break from the group. get DP on board too, but try to keep it low pressure.

the only thing I’d add is that if she is moody, just leave her be and have you own plans to have a lovely Christmas anyway. hopefully she won’t be, but just be prepared and let it go, rather than it all getting a bit tense and ruining your day too.

This sounds lovely! You sound very thoughtful, OP.

From what you have said, I would speak to her (to get her involved and excited) and plan a Christmas Eve easy dinner of favourites (or takeaway), new PJs and a Christmas movie with popcorn, hot chocolates etc all the three of you. Tell your DH and DSD, so they know what to expect and have input into the movie/s and food, so even if they don’t love the getting into PJs and Christmas aspect of it, they have nice food and a good movie to watch.

Then, before this, I would put together a special Christmas Eve box of pampering things for her, and give it to her and spend the afternoon ‘getting ready’. You both might do some of it together? Face masks, hair masks, bath with bath bombs (obviously not this together!) but a special time heading into the night movies.

Next day, I agree with everything written above about plans, and also some ‘solo’ plans if people want time alone to release. And then have a set time (even approx) she is going to the boyfriend, so expectations are clear and no one is upset they missed pudding or Christmas cake, or “I expect you to stay for King’s speech.” Etc

Maybe ask her if there are any favourite foods she would like for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? My dd(14) likes a Yule log for example whereas we like Christmas cake/pudding so we do all of them.

I think a Christmas Eve box is a nice idea in this instance, dd and I are sharing a beauty advent calendar this year but a box would be a good alternative.

in terms of activities, I guess it depends on all three of you and what is normal or what you’d enjoy. Films/games/walks/pub etc could all be good. A friend of mine always does a taste testing of Aldi v Lidl champagne on Christmas Eve or maybe testing a cocktail or two. It could be food items as an alternative too.

I think you need to assume she’ll want some space and also not load up too many joint activities so that you’re not disappointed if she doesn’t engage. But I’m sure she’ll appreciate your efforts.

“I was thinking of running her a nice bath, glass of bubbles”

If you’re sure that is what she would like. If someone did that for me, I would feel really uncomfortable.

Personally, I’d keep things more low key.

How about booking tickets for something on the Xmas eve? Would she enjoy a panto? Or ice skating? Or carols somewhere?

I think that cooking together is lovely too. How about doing some homemade sweets or making a special desert or some mince pies on Xmas eve ready to eat on Xmas day?

Honestly?

She’s not 12. It sounds as if she’s been shunted out of her default Christmas home. She’s lonely and anxious. She doesn’t want a ‘magical’ Christmas; she probably wants one where everyone around her is relaxed and she’s not corralled into endless activity or faux jollity.

You’ve said her father doesn’t like Christmas - so that’s stress and tension enough already, if he finds all the festive stuff annoying.

Truthfully, what she needs is a calm atmosphere, no squabbling, no rows, no I’ve tried so hard to make everything magical for you …

Hello I have dds around this age!

You sound like a lovely stepmom op! ❤️

If your dsdaughter is in to facials and that sort of thing then definitely buy her some Christmas pjs, and do a sort of movie (her choice) spa night on Christmas Eve with perhaps a manicure?

Just make it all casual though and “by the by” in case she is not feeling like it on the night. Don’t pressure her too much or be disappointed if she wants to do something like crafting decorations or just chilling instead!

And start Christmas Day (not too early) with something “sophisticated” like a late morning Buck’s fizz with a croissant.

And then have normal Christmas lunch but involve her in some of the preparation. Let her take ownership of decorating table or one of the side dishes. Ask her if she would like to invite someone (but maybe not if she is sensitive about friendships currently)

And let her have some alone time with her dad going for a walk or drive.

I hope you all have a lovely time!

Btw I tend to do all the graft in advance (yes I know) and then my teens waft in and enjoy doing the nice bits 😃 like final bits of decorating, icing the cake, heating up mince pies, making mulled wine, making a curry for week after Christmas, taking a hamper around to an elderly neighbour … they seem to enjoy that.

Don’t try and mimic what she used to have at home with her parents. Have calm confidence in your own way of doing things without being pushy about it and allow her to enjoy more adult treats like some champagne and put things in her stockings that are more sophisticated than she would normally get to experience. Treat her more like a visiting friend and the three adults you are!

This. Not everyone would feel comfortable with that but obviously you know her better than we do. I wouldn’t try too hard or you maybe disappointed with the reaction you get/or not. She will probably just be happy to spend time with you and her dad. Sometimes the best christmases are those that are spent just relaxing, enjoying nice food and not too much fuss.

It's lovely you have a close relationship and want to make Christmas special for her.

I would say from a personal point of view, I love long relaxing baths and skincare etc but I would feel very uncomfortable having a bath run for me in someone elses home, and a facial from stepmum would feel awkward and unrelaxing. Maybe you could buy her some nice skincare and bath stuff and if she wants to use them there she can if she wants to? At that age, I would have appreciated comfort food, space and a nice cosy atmosphere with decorations, warm lighting, and christmas music quietly in the background.

Maybe if you are preparing a meal ask if she would like to help, or if you wanted to do a day out expect her not to come, but invite her so that neither side is disappointed or felt obliged.

Also, re-reading your OP, it’s more than likely she’ll just be tolerating all the time spent with you and her father - while longing to escape to be with her boyfriend …

So, sure, as pp have suggested - have drinks available, have ingredients available in case she wants to join in the baking / cooking, have pampering stuff available - but don’t pin all your hopes on magical moments of family togetherness.

Give her the gift of being able to choose how to enjoy herself - without any pressure to live up to your Christmassy expectations.

Which afternoon is she going to her boyfriend? Christmas Eve then I wouldn't put any fixed schedule in for the evening, she may prefer to spend it with him. Have you asked her what she would enjoy that evening - stay with boyfriend, pamper evening, helping prep Xmas dinner, slob out with a good film, go to the pub with you?

Just spend some nice time together. Don't make it about Christmas. Your DH hates the Christmas stuff and your DSD isn't interested in Christmas stuff. What is it that all three of you can do together that everyone will enjoy?

I think it’s so sweet that you want to make Christmas special for her.

I think just keeping her favourite snacks in the house and her fav drinks mean a lot. That and a pressie. Decorate the house if that’s your thing and I think that’s nice enough already

I think I’d be a bit confused if someone ran me a bath as an adult 😁 but obviously you know her.

Christmas films, mulled wine and festive treats on Xmas eve maybe?

We always go for a Xmas eve walk in the early evening just as it’s going dark to look at everyone’s lights.

Will you do her a stocking?

Yes. DH likes to soak in the bath, but I get in and wash, and get out. I might use body scrubs or whatever, but I never just lie there.

What about booking a show or something like ice skating on Christmas Eve? Or, as it’s Sunday, a carols service? (I love to sing, but it may not be everybody’s jam!)

On Christmas Day, a stocking might be nice, but if it’s just her, it would seem a bit weird. Could you get your DH to do one for you, and you could do one for each of them? A nice walk if it’s fine, and a Christmassy brunch, if she’s going to her boyfriends for the actual Christmas meal, or lunch if that’s more appropriate. She doesn’t want to end up having eaten two Christmas dinners!

You sound like a lovely step mum and I’m sure you’ll all have a good time together.

Agree with other posters keep it chill and calm and be led by her. Christmas Eve keep the house looking nice and cosy, have yourself a glass of something fancy if doing any dinner prep and invite her to join you (even on Xmas kitchen is always the place for a chat!) Easy dinner.

Afterwards wine / hot choc, posh Xmas chocolates and a film in PJ’s, but she may want to chill in her room too. You could get new PJ’s and have them on her bed waiting for her when she arrives, along with a face mask or small beauty gift.

Xmas morning bubbles / breakfast/ stocking and presents, wave her off, have a lovely afternoon. Love the idea of a simple stocking for you / her / dad. My sister and I do this for the adults and all we really pop in is chocolates, little beauty minis & a bottle of something but its always fun.

If this was me at 20 I would feel uncomfortable with too much fuss but would have enjoyed feeling like I was part of a pressure free grown up Xmas. And she doesn’t feel like she needs to be “on” all the time, she can sit and relax and chat away if she wishes.

I’d suggest that you change your focus entirely and work out how you can have a lovely, relaxing Christmas with a minimum of stress - that, I think, is the key to guests having a great Christmas.

If you put too much emphasis on her experience it could back fire. By all means do nice things but you have to be aware that she might not appreciate something, or she might have other plans. I’ve no idea how emotionally mature she is but having a safe place to be a bit stroppy could be exactly what she needs right now.

Personally I’d rather curl up with a book by the fire on Christmas Eve, or watch a movie. The bath suggestion makes me feel uncomfortable but you could probably achieve the same thing by putting some nice toiletries in her bathroom, and some fluffy towels so she doesn’t have to ask for anything to take a bath.

Go with the flow - if she wants to go out with her boyfriend, fine; if she wants to chat, chat; if she offers to help, give her a job; if she curls up in the couch, let her; etc.

One thing I always suss out is what it is that thing that makes Christmas for people - often it’s a particular food, so I make sure I have everyone’s favourite things and then I know what I can safely drop off my list that no one will particularly miss.

Thanks all, bit of clarification.

Dsd lives close so we see her all the time, I'm not a wicked step mother and she loves a pamper and as that was my profession many moons ago she loves nothing more than a nice facial not in the slightest bit awkward.

I'll ask her if that's what she wants, last year she spent Christmas with her boyfriend and she'll go to his in the afternoon. She's feeling a bit low at the moment so my intention was to give her a lovely time that she enjoys.

I don’t think a single poster suggested you were a wicked step mother - so not sure why you’re referencing this cliche!

But if you already know exactly what she likes I don’t quite understand the purpose of your thread?

Kindly, she is 20, not 10. I'd ask her what she wants to do. Don't second guess. She might want low key.

My DD, who lives in a shared rented house a couple of hours away, missed out on all the events a week before Christmas a couple of years ago due to catching covid. She came home to ours on the day her quarantine finished on Xmas Eve feeling very unfestive. I had booked a Xmas lights event for that evening and it was fabulous and soon got us all in the mood for Christmas.

It really depends on her and your relationship. Someone else running me a bath etc would make me feel a bit claustrophobic.

You sound a lovely stepmum op! 💐

Even though your dh isn’t keen on Christmas, I’d try and involve him as much as possible, they might appreciate their time together.
it’s a bit stifling to be indoors the whole time so how about a walk to a pub on Christmas Eve for a couple of drinks, then a takeaway at home?
If they aren’t keen on Christmas movies perhaps just watch regular tv together which will still be pretty festive, or a film like Die Hard which is tenuously Christmassy!
Could you and dad plan together a nice present or breakfast for dh?

She's only coming Christmas Eve night around 6pm and staying until 4pm on Christmas Day. I've asked her, she said she loves the idea of a bath and a facial with a cocktail and then a film. So we're all set!

You sound really lovely, OP, and she is lucky to have you.
A refreshing change from most of the stepmother threads on here.