If your grown-up dc, their partners, spouses and gc still love coming to yours for Christmas, tell me about it.

[Nonplusultra]

Every year there are loads of posts by people who don’t want to spend Christmas with their dps or dpils, or who want to host their own Christmas and the gps are reluctant to come, and those who travel for hours with small dc to split Christmas between two families etc. It’s not hard to find examples of how to make Christmas stressful for multi generational families

I’ve no idea how things will evolve in our family and I don’t have my heart set on any one way. But I’m curious about people who host Christmas for several generations of family because you must be getting it right. I’d love some tips even just to improve my Christmas game for the next few years .

@recklessgran this thread was inspired by your comment on another thread.

I can't speak for my own dc because I haven't got any yet but, I absolutely love going to my MILs every Christmas and Boxing Day. We also go to hers every Sunday for a Sunday dinner.

The house is full to bursting with her children, spouses, and grandchildren.

We love it because the atmosphere is breezy. There is no pressure to stay longer than you want too. Everyone is chatting, grandchildren are playing with each other and it's a calm environment. Eat your dinner at the table or on the sofa, hang around for as long as you want after, catch up with other family members.

She hosts every Sunday and makes a point of inviting everyone every week, so I think she does an open house very well. I do love her and she's such a pleasure to be around which helps a lot. She always makes me feel so welcome as a daughter in law.

That sounds lovely, hotcandle.

I don't want to be a downer but I suspect that many families who have big, intergenerational Christmas celebrations have a good dose of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. That might just be because of my own experience of both my mum's and dad's families as well as in-laws (no issues with my own parents or ILs, just the next generation up!). I feel like there's often pressure from one or many family members to get together at Christmas, even if the family dynamic is strained or people don't get on well. So people will bite their tongues, ignore passive aggressive comments and unrealistic expectations and get on with it "for the sake of Christmas" but would actually rather do something else.

Would love to hear from others who have really positive, open, honest relationships with extended family though.

@Nonplusultra I'm deeply touched to have inspired your thread to be honest. We're not very formal but hope anyone who comes to our home feels the love as that's what it's all about. If it's all done with love you can't go wrong really. We only dress up a bit for the actual Chritmas Dinner but mainly wear jeans and a Christmas jumper the rest of the time. That forms one of the family competitions - there's a prize for the wackiest Christmas jumper [usually an Amazon gift card which cover all bases i.e. men, women. kids]. You'd be amazed what turns up - lights, music the lot. There's also a prize for the tackiest jumper - you can enter both if you like! Everyone, including the children vote for the winners to keep it fair. And so it goes on.......
I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do Christmas - you just make your own traditions etc. For us, there is the benefit of numbers - there's a lot of us so that dilutes any potential frictions, clashing personalities etc that you might get in smaller groups - it's easy to avoid anyone you might find tricky. Here, there's always someone to chat to and there are often two or three different conversations going at once and always somebody willing to play with the children. To be honest although it would be really sad to me on a personal level, should it be that one of the DD's and her loved ones didn't come then I guess it wouldn't impact too badly on the dynamics or overall enjoyment of Christmas since there are so many of us. This hasn't happened yet thankfully but as I know nothing lasts forever I'm making the very most of every single Christmas I get to share with my lovely DH and our family. [Don't worry - it's not all schmaltzy we do have our black sheep, people with issues etc like every other family!]
The key is to be flexible, have fun , little surprises and my lot love quizzes and are VERY competitive but in a fun way. Might be outing but every year I do a Mum's Christmas Quiz. This is all about what I've been up to in the run up and nobody's at an advantage as they really can't know for example - the date of my first present purchase, how many pairs of socks I've gifted or how many rolls of paper I've used in the wrapping blah, blah, blah. The prize for this is one of those cheapo money tins that I drop all my loose change in between June 1st and December 1st. The kids love the opening and counting of this even if they're not the winner! WE also love a game of mean Santa - that's another highlight. Gosh sorry for the essay but I hope you get the gist of it. Hope everyone gets some enjoyment anyway!

Again I'm the dc in the situation but we all love going to my parents for Christmas. Last year we stayed by ourselves part fueled by the idyllic Christmases I had read about on Mn and the guilt I was taking children away from their toys. Nope . It was so boring. Just like a normal day with a more complicated dinner. My dc missed their cousins and their grandparents and the fuss and fun. Dh loves it cos he gets on really well with my dad .

Each to his own..recklessgrans Christmas sounds like my vision of hell! Hotcandles Christmas sounds like heaven

I still love going to my Mum's for Christmas, wouldn't want to be anywhere else. There's no-one like your Mum.

Communication - open, honest beforehand. Ask and don’t be a martyr.

Evaluation - I try and think about what works and what doesn’t, using previous Christmas’s.

Tradition. As a single parent trying to keep Christmas special ( and cost effective) we developed our own. As they reached 8-11, for instance, by talking I discovered that they wanted the meal later because they liked ‘candles lit on the table’. Something we still do. For similar reasons we dress for the meal.

Remembering that we all have different experiences of Christmas, not better it worse, not right or wrong - just different. Our guests might have some good ideas too that we can adopt.

Plan - to alleviate the stress. Recognise when others are tired. Recognise others needs and my own. Cooking is stressful, my DC’s have their own ‘role’. Everyone knows that by the time we’ve eaten ‘mam is done’. Everyone else clears up while I disappear with a book and a drink to another room. I hate lots of ‘days in’ sitting around talking. We plan a trip out, a walk or a drive - during the Christmas stay.

It’s interesting how different the traditions are but the common element seems to be being flexible and responsive and tuned in to the guests.

I find it a bit hard to be honest that some people (MIL, SIL at times) just elect themselves the matriarch of Christmas and every year it's "Oh I'll just be doing the usual dinner here for everyone". Leaves everyone with the choice of traipsing over to their place or a lonely Christmas for 2.
In my entire 30 year married life I've only been able to get my IL's to come to us for Christmas and give me the pleasure of hosting, about 3 times.

So the answer from me is: just don't insist on it every year, and make it clear your happy to be a guest as well as a host in turn.

My parents have 4 adult children so tend to have a big Xmas dinner on boxing Day or another day to allow people to do their own thing or see the in laws etc on Xmas day. They've always been very understanding that their kids now have kids or other families to consider.

We have my stepkids for Xmas dinner alternative years. So this year we have them for dinner, last year they were at their mum's so DH and I had a nice chilled Xmas day just the 2 of us. My parents usually plan their big Xmas dinner for when we'll have the kids so they can come too.

I've also hosted Xmas dinner a few times where my parents and whichever siblings didn't have other plans attended. Last year my parents went to my brother's in-laws for dinner.

Not at this stage yet but I'd really love to carry on spending Christmas with my children whenever I can and have made the following mental notes from my own experience of having young DC and a not v chilled mother-

• flexibility is key
• ask people what is going to work best for timings
• don't do anything that you're going to resent if it's unappreciated. Fine to spend time on things if you enjoy it (and I do) but do it for that reason as it's quite likely no one will even notice your hand-embroidered napkins and foraged wreath (or whatever)
• likewise you may find yourself cooking fishfingers for a child alongside the turkey, and you may also find that the child in question ends up not wanting those fishfingers anyway, and this is fine
• Don't worry if the things you intended to be extra-special are overlooked, eg the big present you bought for a child is overlooked and they're excited about something else. There's a whole year or longer for them to enjoy the big present
• The moments you hoped would be the big moments might not be, and other times will be
• Don;t forget that everything, even getting out of the front door, takes a million years when there are toddlers involved.

And a tip based just on my knowledge of myself is not to over-spend and over-give. I have a bad habit of wanting to give my kids more and more and I'm sure I'll feel the same about my grandchildren if I have any, and I'm aware that this might cause tensions.

I host Christmas for my adult children and their partners and children every second year. They alternate with in-laws. One son in law prefers to come here over his own parents. Apparently Xmas in our house is just chilled out and relaxing. Plenty of food for people to help themselves too. Xmas dinner is fairly plain but plentiful and there is no pressure to do anything.

For myself as host I love having them all here and I love that they want to come. However I also love it when it's time for them to go home

Oh, also remember that your DIL/SIL might have a different baseline to you and different expectations. On another thread recently I saw someone describe getting dressed into clothes on Christmas Day as "formal" as opposed to staying in PJs. For me growing up formal would have been dinner in black tie 😂

@recklessgran I aim to be you in life, you sound an absolute blast!

And @hotcandle I have NC with my MiL, your post has made me smile because I'd absolutely love nothing more than to be thought of with such warmth from my DCs partners ♥

My wonderful SIL has hosted Christmas for all of us for the last 15 ish years.

Top Tips are…
One family brings Christmas Eve dinner (fish pie, sticky toffee pudding) and one family brings Boxing Day lunch (Gammon, sausage rolls, cheese board).

Big walk Christmas Eve afternoon and Christmas Day morning for all children.

Massive jigsaw in separate room - ideal for people who need a bit of time away from the throng without seeming rude!

Everyone except Granny and Grandad leaves after lunch on Boxing Day.

I've been extraordinarily lucky so far too have all my family with me for Christmas. But since my kids have been working/with partners and now with small children, I've been very flexible about when Christmas is, particularly as one DD is a nurse and sometimes has to work.

I'm very aware that both DDs have in-laws to fit in, and also their own family/couple time. So last year our family Christmas Day was on Christmas Eve, and another year it was on Boxing Day. And this year I've said the same...I'll fit in with whatever works for them, and that I recognise how fortunate I've been.

I'm lucky that my kids are traditionalists about Christmas, and my late husband was a huge Christmas fan, so there's some emotion involved in our family traditions. I'm also lucky that their in-laws are not massively Christmas-y people, so they're not demanding either!

So yep, basically my kids grew up in a very Christmas-y family, and I've been very lucky in how accommodating their partners and in-laws are!

@LenBast very wise tips!

Another one answering this from the other side as we all go to my mums every year! It’s my parents, my sister, me, my husband and children, my aunt, my grandma and my other granny alternates years between us and another aunt.

One thing that makes it work is that we all live fairly close to each other so nobody is doing a 4 hour drive on Christmas Eve. We also have lots of traditions (games and quizzes after lunch on Boxing Day, everyone opening presents one by one) but there is flexibility. For example, we used to all stay over on Christmas Eve to do Christmas morning together, but now I have children it’s nice for them to wake up to their stockings in their own house so we do that and head over at about 11- which means my parents have had a chance to have a lie in and a bit of a leisurely time with a glass of Buck’s Fizz, and DD has been up for about 5 hours so has had a chance to play with her toys and is ready for a change of scene.

We also don’t force anything and have little breaks from each other. After lunch my parents usually take a walk together, my grandma and granny like to watch something Christmassy on the tv, my sister will disappear upstairs for a bit, etc. then we all come back together for pudding a couple of hours later.

My parents would also say they’ve been cooking the exact same dinner for 20+ years and they can do it in their sleep (or drunk lol) so that’s low stress. And we all have an agreement that we’re not bound to this forever. They’ve said that if we ever want to have Christmas as a family 4 they won’t be offended, likewise if they get sick of hosting and want to bugger off to Lanzarote we would totally understand!

Oh what a pp said about a Christmassy family is true too! I hate spending Christmas with my FIL and SIL because they just don’t seem to be IN to it. I tried to alternate and make plans with them at the beginning of my marriage out of a sense of fairness but honestly they just don’t seem to care very much, so I decided that unless they say “we would like to spend Christmas with you this year” I’m just not going to bother and we have them round for dinner another day instead.

We don’t live in the same country where we were born, so our “family” is DH’s cousins.

For more than 30 years, Christmas Eve is the big celebration. We are 5 families, so we rotate hosting. Everyone brings food, and now alcohol, since it’s 25+ adults. The host family does the big roast and most of the work. We do a gift exchange, $25 limit, we “battle”
over the gifts and it’s a good laugh.

However, now the “kids” are getting married and moving far away in some instances, so things might have to be more flexible in the future. I’m good with whatever works. I like the familiarity of traditions, but new traditions can be made too.

Our elder son and family come to us Christmas Day every other year and Boxing Day the other. Our younger son and family, including their dog spend at least from Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day with us. We all get on very well. The atmosphere is very relaxed and we often are all in Pj’s.
The focus, while they are awake is on the children, we don’t put the TV on unless to play music videos and dance, which is not uncommon. We may go for a walk often to take the children to the park. Food is a relaxed and happy affair. After the children go to bed we usually play games they’re a bit young for and chat, there is an awful lot of laughter.
I absolutely adore my family and we see a lot of each other throughout the year. I am blessed. ☺️

My daughter has already booked her train tickets! We always have an open door at Christmas - my husband loves cooking Christmas lunch - all 4 children usually come home with partners plus partners lone parents (so they aren't left alone). Unless they go to their in laws. But even if the married one does that she is usually here by Boxing Day.

None of my kids have a house big enough to host so ours is the only place suitable. They all help out/arrive in time to decorate/clean so it doesn't increase my stress.

We make an effort to play games - active ones if we can and always buy a new Christmas game. We go for dog walks, go to the local panto, see a traditional Christmas movie at our local small cinema that hands round sherry and mince pies, go out for one meal usually on Xmas Eve - we have a great lively Italian near by, go to our village pub, have a night in the BBQ hut with candles and a sing along to the guitar - neighbours come round for that

No guilt or obligations, I don't play the martyr. My kids are more into it than I am! 😬

Oh @hotcandle can I join your family please!

@sunishine there's no one like my mum, so that's why I don't go to her house. It keeps me saner to stay away

I am undergoing an evolving Christmas. All kids bar one (who runs a pub, so stays there as they are open Christmas day) used to come to me for Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, but now as they are partnering up and buying houses we're evolving. So last year we all (apart from Pub-Son) went to Younger Son and his partner, and they got to do Christmas 'their way' while we all joined in. This year it's all over to Youngest Daughter and her partner, and they will get a go at doing things they way they like. Next year it should be all back to mine. However, if children start entering the equation, I've said that that couple should be allowed to have Christmas at their own place, and the rest of us will sort ourselves out at another place. Or it might be that currently renting daughter might have bought a house and want to host, or Australian Daughter may offer to host over there for anyone who wants to travel.

It's complicated, but I try to step back, let the (adult) children sort it between themselves and then just see what they've decided. I'd probably be perfectly happy spending Christmas Day on my own to be honest, as I often end up working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day... but so far we seem to be settling down to a rotating Christmas hosting.