AIBU to stop doing things or is it humbug?

[ChristmasCarolVorderman]

I love Christmas, I really do, but there are some things about it that are really annoying me and I want to change some, which may get pushback, but I think I am past caring TBH.

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed with work and family chores, I'm sick of CF'ers in my life, and generally no one doing anything for me. My friend died suddenly and recently and this has made me really sad and a bit lost.

So;

1. One of my parents gives me a list of things they want for Christmas. It is usually about 5 things, and it comes to over £100. However, this parent doesn't buy me anything because they have too many DC to buy for, as they are married and have 3 step DC and 5 step DGC in addition to their own family. This parent isn't spending Christmas with us, again, because they are going to step family.

So, I'll buy something small, but not where near what I usually do.

2. I have hosted my PIL for the past 2 years at Christmas. They end up staying for 3 nights. I get no Christmas as I am doing all the washing, ironing, changing sheets, shopping, cooking, and clearing up. PIL don't even buy me a present and I can't be myself around them (drink and eat my bodyweight in chocolates).

So, I have told my DH I am not hosting. His siblings aren't offering and he will feel guilty as they will be alone and sad.

3. DH is really rubbish at gift buying.

So, this year I will say...this is what I want. There is the link.

4. My own siblings keep forgetting my DC's birthdays and even Christmas sometimes despite not missing one of theirs to date.

So, I am no longer doing gifts outside of GP's. Let's stop it now.

5. I usually bake and make loads of things for family. It is welcome, but I get nothing in return. Also it costs a lot to make.

So, this year I am just not doing it. I will spend the time and money on myself.

I will celebrate Christmas of course, but am focusing on my own little family. I love it, and will put in a lot of effort. I just feel drained by all the above.

1. Your parent is a definite CF. I'd buy them nothing and just say based on the last few years, you figured you won't be exchanging presents anymore.

But if it makes it easier for you, buy a bottle of wine or a box of chocolates for them.

1. You are 100% right. Just make sure you stay strong - if your DH doesn't step up, don't step in for him at all.

3, 4 & 5. Good.

There's nothing wrong with putting yourself and your family first. Sounds like your extended family (and ILs) take you for granted.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas

Quick response but good for u, sounds like ur being taken advantage of. I can see how it happens when the burden gets dumped onto one person but it's really not fair... I really hope this is a wake up call for everyone. 😊

I think you're doing the right thing completely. People take you for granted if you just carry on doing what you've always done. Sometimes they might not mean to, sometimes they're downright CFs.

Do exactly what you've said, and enjoy your Christmas.

YANBU on all points!

All sounds perfectly fine to me. I’m pretty much the same now too. The true cheekiness of your so called loved ones will be evident in their response to your perfectly reasonable actions.

Sorry about your good friend.

Yanbu!

We sacked off presents for adults years ago, we do a secret Santa with a £50 limit for people that are actually together on the day.

We are staying at home this year at the kids' request, not carting them around to different houses. We plan on going for a group walk to the pub on Boxing Day to see everyone instead.

DH and I don't really do presents either, I have everything I want and if I don't I by it for myself and vice versa. We each fund the kids buying some thing for each other.

As grumpy as that sounds I actually love Christmas, but doing it my way!

It's really great that you've identified all the problems and have worked out how to resolve them.

You're so completely in the right. I would buy your mum one of the things on her list. I'd tell the in laws now that Christmas isn't happening, to give them time to sort themselves out. All the rest, good for you! Now you'll get a present from your husband that you actually want and will save money and time in not buying or making things for ungrateful people. Well done!

I’m so sorry about your friend. I bet they’d be happy for you that you’re not willing to put yourself last again this year. Remember that if you feel yourself giving in to anyone’s guilt trip.

1. Sod buying them anything. You have lots of people to buy for too, so why do they get to use that as a one sided demand for gift giving? If they send you a list, don’t acknowledge it. If they question you, tell them that you admire their stance on gift giving, so you’ve decided to copy it.
2. Good for you! If he feels guilty, tell him he’s welcome to host, but you won’t be lifting a finger to help. Nor will you be entertaining them. I suspect that any feelings of guilt will quickly disappear once he realises how much he’ll have to do. What did they do 3 years ago? Why can’t they do that again?
3. Good for you. Tell him you’re disappointed by his lack of thought and effort so he either gets it right this year or you’ll start putting in the same amount of effort he does. I might be inclined to buy an alternative gift as well, so if he doesn’t go with your list, give him a Lynx Africa set.
4. Good for you
5. Good for you

You need to add: not writing Christmas cards to anyone unless you specifically want to send one to a special friend or relative.

All the rest of it - good for you.

Good for you! ⭐️

Good for you!

It all sounds completely reasonable to me.

2 sounds interesting, where was your Dh in all of this? Maybe the other siblings realise how much work it is when you wait on someone hand and foot. Make it clear to your Dh now that he is not to cave and invite his parents round.

Plan a lovely Christmas for yourself.

So sorry for the loss of your friend, a similar thing happens to me last year and it shook me and still does. I actually had someone say, 'but she was just a friend, not as she was family'. The truth is we would text several times a day and that didn't include 'jokes and funnies'. We could spend hours chatting in the phone, in truth she was closer to me than a lot of my family. Sounds like the loss of your friend has sparked an audit of your Christmas.

You have got yourself some CF's. Fancy giving a list of what you want and not even reciprocating with a tub of chocolates. As for your PIL - seriously, your DH should have told his parents that they should get you a small gift to acknowledge all the effort you have gone to. Don't cave in the DH's guilt. Two years or the trott, and now you are grieving the loss of a friend. Let a sibling step up but as a poster above mentioned tell them now.

Absolutely tell your DH what you want. Stop sending gifts and cards to people who don't acknowledge or appreciate it. Bake goods for yourself and your household.

Have wonderful Christmas OP

Good for you!

Re hosting PIL, don't fall in the trap of saying to DH he can host.
They'll come, he won't actually do much, and you'll feel guilted / embarrassed into doing it yourself.
Nope.

You are absolutely Not being unreasonable!! I'm so sorry for your loss. Mind yourself and children. Feck the lot of them. Selfish fecks who take and take and don't even make a token gift. Enjoy your own little family ( I'd give your dh a bit of a kick up the arse as well) and take care of you. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas drinking and eating all the lovely things!

I'm cheering for you OP!!!! youve had an epiphany and theres no going back....good for you!!! What a load of selfish freeloaders. For what its worth, Im also caught in the cycle of hosting everyone one year, then packing off to be hosted by someone else the next....its exhausting and not always fun. In fact the best Christmas in living memory was the year we hosted a Christmas eve dinner, and then had a wonderful lazy and low key day on our own. There were lots of piteous cries about 'loneliest Christmas ever' etc etc but it wasnt for us - it was a welcome and much needed investment in our marriage and immediate family.

Good for you. I've also gone on strike this year. Everyone in my family loves Christmas because I do it all. Not this year. I'm not lifting a finger and I've told them so.

Excellent plan. As for your partner feeling guilty, perhaps he could add in some guilt at leaving you to do all the hosting chores for his parents for years. Sure he'll survive.

Mind yourself and children

Yes, this. I feel emotionally and physically beaten up. Of course, my lovely friend has passed away, so I am fortunate in many more ways, but I feel I need to take care of me, nurture me for a bit.

Last night I just felt massively harassed. I ended up driving round for 2 hours picking people up due to transport issues, then I had to come back and make the dinner. I wanted to order pizza, but was told no because it is not healthy by DH who wants to lose weight. So, drive round for 2 hours, then cook from scratch for an hour.

The word is "hassled". I feel hassled beyond words. I just want to go upstairs and lie on the bed and watch what I want on the telly and have a bit of peace and quiet.

Perhaps a bigger issue than just Christmas.

I'm sorry about your friend. I think losing someone can make you reevaluate your life and priorities.

It does sound like you might need more boundaries in the rest of your life, not just at Christmas.

If your DH was so desperate for healthy food why couldn't he cook it himself? Does he do his fair share of work in the house?

You should be able to relax in your own home and not be constantly hassled. Maybe you need to look at sharing things out more equally, and just saying no to things.

Also, grief is physically and emotionally exhausting. You need down time to absorb what has happened and you can't properly grieve if you don't have time for it.

YANBU
Particularly bad form from your parents not reciprocating
Make this Christmas one you enjoy
I'm sorry about your friend
I lost mine this year. She was only 55

That all sounds fair enough to me @ChristmasCarolVorderman

Have a lovely Christmas making some new traditions. (such as eating your body weight in chocolate.) xx

I think it all sounds hugely selfish and one way from wider family and at last you have got hold of some gumption to value yourself so good for you OP. Please stick to these new boundaries and just don’t engage in anyone who tries to manipulate you.

Write down what would make a meaningful enjoyable Christmas for you and then plan to make it happen this year and all the next.

My mum used to make herself a martyr to others then moan all the time and none of us appreciated it properly. I did it totally differently and you get a lot more appreciation and respect.

As for driving/cooking when exhausted, would the world really end if you just did what you want to do and lie down with a take away? Why do you always have to be controlled by others. Find out what you want and start living life with equality for yourself. Good luck. Have a fabulous Christmas.

👍👍 on all points.

This sounds very sensible!!