AIBU to stop doing things or is it humbug?

[ChristmasCarolVorderman]

I love Christmas, I really do, but there are some things about it that are really annoying me and I want to change some, which may get pushback, but I think I am past caring TBH.

I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed with work and family chores, I'm sick of CF'ers in my life, and generally no one doing anything for me. My friend died suddenly and recently and this has made me really sad and a bit lost.

So;

1. One of my parents gives me a list of things they want for Christmas. It is usually about 5 things, and it comes to over £100. However, this parent doesn't buy me anything because they have too many DC to buy for, as they are married and have 3 step DC and 5 step DGC in addition to their own family. This parent isn't spending Christmas with us, again, because they are going to step family.

So, I'll buy something small, but not where near what I usually do.

2. I have hosted my PIL for the past 2 years at Christmas. They end up staying for 3 nights. I get no Christmas as I am doing all the washing, ironing, changing sheets, shopping, cooking, and clearing up. PIL don't even buy me a present and I can't be myself around them (drink and eat my bodyweight in chocolates).

So, I have told my DH I am not hosting. His siblings aren't offering and he will feel guilty as they will be alone and sad.

3. DH is really rubbish at gift buying.

So, this year I will say...this is what I want. There is the link.

4. My own siblings keep forgetting my DC's birthdays and even Christmas sometimes despite not missing one of theirs to date.

So, I am no longer doing gifts outside of GP's. Let's stop it now.

5. I usually bake and make loads of things for family. It is welcome, but I get nothing in return. Also it costs a lot to make.

So, this year I am just not doing it. I will spend the time and money on myself.

I will celebrate Christmas of course, but am focusing on my own little family. I love it, and will put in a lot of effort. I just feel drained by all the above.

This thread has made me so mad on your behalf!

While you are addressing Christmas, I really think you also need to do something about your cheeky fucker husband too!
How dare he let you do all the work for his parents and not even talk to them about buying you a gift to acknowledge all that effort. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree with him, does it? The dinner thing was ridiculous / why can't he cook from scratch if it's that bloody important?

They are all taking the piss. Please don't cave under pressure. IMHO they all could do with hearing a few home truths.

Good for you!

Wasn't as bad here but a PIL who was very demanding about Xmas and cancelled on us last minute the last few years, one when we had paid for their meal at a restaurant so now I don't invite them. In fact we don't invite anyone and have had two blissful years just us by the coast at Christmas.

As a family we also only buy gifts for the children in the family now- so much bette for everyone!

Good for you. Next time your dh wants something made from scratch, tell him your shoving pizza in oven and he can do something else. Sounds like he’s a dick.

This is all good!

Your H isn’t coming across at all well.

if you want pizza and it’s convenient, get it, let dh sort his own food out if he doesn’t want it.

I think all of that is completely fair and people have been taking you for granted. Last year I felt I didn’t get a Christmas due to hosting and I’ve decided this year will be different although mine is more pushing DH to do his fair share in the run up and I’m giving myself a couple of days off work after Christmas when everyone else is back at work and school to enjoy the peace
DH and I have also been doing that with gifts with years and i enjoy getting something that I’ve wanted but couldn’t justify much more than something he’s thought up and vice versa.

YANBU about Christmas but also sounds like bigger problems. Why doesn't your H cook or look after his own bloody parents?

I don't give to receive. But your parent sound grabby. Doesn't buy you anything at all? Not even a box of chocs yet sends you a Christmas list?! No thanks.
You are not being unreasonable at all! I hope
You enjoy your lovely Christmas!

I am amazed you have done so much for so little return for so long. Sounds more than reasonable to me. Sorry about your friend.

Why is your DH such a rude, lazy demanding dickhead?

Once it's a chore and you get no pleasure, it's time to make a change.

Absolutely , tell everyone now that there will be no presents from you so you don’t want any back and have a lovely Christmas at home with just your family . If your husband is that worried about his parents he can go to them .

Last night I just felt massively harassed. I ended up driving round for 2 hours picking people up due to transport issues, then I had to come back and make the dinner. I wanted to order pizza, but was told no because it is not healthy by DH who wants to lose weight. So, drive round for 2 hours, then cook from scratch for an hour.

Why didn't he cook?
Or do the driving around?

But good for you regarding Christmas. Stick to your guns & enjoy it with just your own little family. Hope you have a lovely time 🎅.

Your husband sounds awful. Really lazy, demanding and spoilt.

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope you have some supportive people around you.

Good for you.

Can you post after Christmas to say how you get on?

Sorry for the loss of your friend

I am so sorry your lovely friend died. That can be a whole world of pain.

Do this. From Christmas, start how you mean to go on. No need for drama - you can quietly drop all of it. You have a wonderful reason to give.

I bet your friend would love this new you!

PS - time to get a list going for dh.

Christmas is so very over rated, and the sheer cost for that one “magical day”, is madness! And so often the shit that people have to put up, because they are family, because it’s Christmas, is nonsense. And of course, 9 times out of 10 it’s the woman doing all the running around, cooking, cleaning, pleasing everyone for that one “magical day”. It’s such nonsense but it’s never equal.

OP good that you put your foot down and are stopping this nonsense. You deserve so much better.

Good for you op! I feel similar in recent years although my family aren't quite as crap as yours at reciprocating. The last 4 years we have found Christmas so hard abd disappointing. We always get ill, we were the first to have kids and noone seems interested in the kids at all so we are mostly on our own looking after them while everyone else drinks and plays games without us.

So, we have decided this year to have a reset. We've booked flights to somewhere warm over Christmas itself. All inclusive so no cooking for me at all. Swimming pool, beach little gifts for the kids but most will be opened when we get home.

You definitely sound like you've made some wise decisions. Can't believe your DH would feel guilty not hosting parents for a 3rd year when he has other siblings. Definitely make sure DH tells them now so they can make plans.

If your parent has so many 'children' then a small gift from everyone soon adds up.

I think it's a huge shame Christmas has become so over blown people don't enjoy it any more. Kudos for taking back the power!

Do you have DC? I've decided in recent years that I only care about them getting good experiences over Xmas and the adults can just deal with their own crap. It's working well and I'm much happier.

I'm really mystified why your DH didn't do the driving and also didn't do the cooking, yet felt entitled to control you and prevent you from ordering pizza? That sounds a worrying dynamic, I would have told him to F off.

It sounds like you are going to have a much better Christmas this year, OP. And it also sounds like you deserve it! Put your feet up and relax.

Is there a reason your DH hadn't cooked dinner ? The cook gets to chose what your eat - if he wanted healthy he should have cooked it

I am angry at your husband.

what about starting a small tradition just for you to remember your friend? Something comforting.

Absolutely do all of above - totally reasonable. It's your Christmas too. With regards to 2) - sounds like your DH's siblings should be the ones feeling guilty, not you. With regards to 3) I do this every year. DH is totally fine at gift buying but I know what I want so I might as well just say!