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Original poster

Special present just from dad. Is this weird?

64 replies

User4873628 · 03/01/2023 16:48

Dh has a stepdad, his dad died when he was small. Stepdad came into the family when dh and his sisters were early teens so Santa was long gone.

Every year dfil (stepdad) used to buy everyone a special present just from him. Everyone made a big deal of this, how wonderful he was to go out and shop for a special present for everyone. Never anything big, a book or a hand cream. He doesn't do it any more, they don't go out shopping so much.

I guess it was nice of him, but typically enough, dmil bought everything else then this one gift from dfil was handed out at the end and everyone thought he'd worked a miracle. He had a busy and important job in a bank and not every busy and important banker went and bought the women in his family hand cream on their lunch break. That's honestly the way they carried on.

Now we have kids, I do the present buying. But we plan together what we're going to buy and all. This year dh decided to do like his dad and choose a special present just from him. He handed out these presents once everything else was opened and made a big deal about his special presents that he'd chosen specially for each person. He didn't tell me in advance that he was going to do it so I didn't have any special present left to give.

Our older dc was quite puzzled by this special present and why I didn't buy one. He'd forgotten about it later in the day with all the excitement but he asked again at bedtime yesterday about daddy's special present. (I realise that sounds dodgy, it was just a Star Wars figure)

is this weird? Should I tell dh not to do it next year, or should I also buy a special present just from me? Does it then become a special present competition?

Or is it a sweet family tradition that I should let dh carry on with good grace?

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 03/01/2023 16:50

This gives me the rage a bit as I’d literally be thinking I bought all the other presents but he wants credit for buying one! Although that’s clearly me bringing my own resentments in.

MaizeBlouse · 03/01/2023 16:50

Yeah that'd annoy me too OP. Obviously it is good intentioned and my worry would be that your DH would feel like he can't do right nor wrong.
How does it make you feel?

Ylvamoon · 03/01/2023 16:52

Did you receive a special present?

Original poster
User4873628 · 03/01/2023 16:52

How does it make you feel?

Pissed off, that I didn't have a 'special present' so look a bit miserable in comparison, and also just weird. My parents never bought separate presents.

But dh's dad did join their family later in life so maybe that's different, I don't know.

I'm going to ask dh next year if he's getting a special present again and I'm going to make sure mine is better!

OP posts:
fajitaaaa · 03/01/2023 16:55

I think when there's a stepparent involved it makes sense but when there isn't it's odd.

Roundaboot · 03/01/2023 16:56

He handed out these presents once everything else was opened and made a big deal about his special presents that he'd chosen specially for each person.

But that's how all presents work!? What makes this one so special? Were the rest of your DC's presents labelled as "from Mum & Dad" but you actually chose them all, did all the shopping and wrapping and then your DH chose, bought and wrapped this one present and that's what made it "special"? If so, yeah, that would give me the total rage!

Mardyface · 03/01/2023 16:56

I think DH must remember it very fondly if he went out and did it for his kids. I totally get the thing about the mum doing all the other buying but that's not the case in your house is it? You could turn this into a really nice additional thing that he likes doing, that represents his personal relationship with each kid. You can do something similar yourself but don't try to out -present him; not only does that reek of desperation but it is just added pressure you don't need! Perhaps you could do an outing once a year with each kid or something. Make a big fuss about it 😉.

Noicant · 03/01/2023 16:58

Er yeah it’s very much like it’s more about the giver than the receiver here.

Roundaboot · 03/01/2023 16:59

Oh and for context, I have a DP who is a step-father like figure to my DS (we don't call him that as we're not married) DP came into our lives when DS was 9 and he's now 15. We buy separate gifts for DS. DP chooses, buys and wraps the gifts like he would for anyone else - not "special", just another gift.

Original poster
User4873628 · 03/01/2023 16:59

Roundaboot · 03/01/2023 16:56

He handed out these presents once everything else was opened and made a big deal about his special presents that he'd chosen specially for each person.

But that's how all presents work!? What makes this one so special? Were the rest of your DC's presents labelled as "from Mum & Dad" but you actually chose them all, did all the shopping and wrapping and then your DH chose, bought and wrapped this one present and that's what made it "special"? If so, yeah, that would give me the total rage!

Exactly this @Roundaboot

We had a chat along the lines of "Dd is enjoying xyz on tv, shall we buy her something related to that? Will we get ds some football gloves, his old ones have a hole in the finger" then I went out and did all the buying, wrapping, hiding etc.

OP posts:
Simplelobsterhat · 03/01/2023 17:00

I would talk to DH before next Christmas and agree that either all presents are from both of you, or the name of the parent who did the work to get them goes on each (in which case you will have more with your name on!) He can't have it both ways.

Claudia84 · 03/01/2023 17:02

I'm angry for you OP.
I can just about fathom this kind of behaviour twenty years ago (although hang on twenty years ago was still 2001!!) but this is just sexist.

It's akin to when the dad gets all the applause because he's taken the kids to the park for one hour in a month.

Not suggesting that's what your husband is like as it sounds like it was just a lovely memory for him but he needs to give his head a shake!

Keeptryingtobe · 03/01/2023 17:02

I would be pretty annoyed at this too!

FlickFlackTrap · 03/01/2023 17:06

I’d be fuming too. It screams ingrained misogyny.
Tell him to stop, label the presents you buy and wrap as just from you or leave all the present responsibility to him next year.

Original poster
User4873628 · 03/01/2023 17:07

It's akin to when the dad gets all the applause because he's taken the kids to the park for one hour in a month

That is exactly what it felt like to me.

And it was like that with dfil too. I know it's different because he's officially a step-parent. But he's very much a parent and grandparent nowadays, his step label is never even though about, just mentioned here for context. He'd been a proper, involved, whatever word you want to use parent to dh for 20+ years before I met him and his present giving was still awaited with baited breath.

It's weird.

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/01/2023 17:08

I wouldn’t do one special present from mum. I would do 2. With a bit of luck the arms race will mean that within a couple of years he will be doing half the buying, hiding and wrapping.

Andsoforth · 03/01/2023 17:08

I think that I would wait until next year when you discuss Christmas and say that you’d like him to buy the presents this year, and it’s your turn to do the special gift from mum.

Obviously you don’t need to force the issue if the current division of jobs works for you, but maybe it might occur to him that choosing, sourcing, buying, following up on deliveries and wrapping is quite an undertaking.

Actually, ignore me - that was just cathartic to type out and it would likely go over his head anyway. It would be better to have a chat with him about it. As a pp said it’s obviously a nice memory for him, and he obviously doesn’t see how heavy handed the patriarchal gaslighting was with all that busy banker nonsense. It’s perfectly ok to point out that it’s a bit undermining, and in a gender equal household it should either be both of you, neither or taking turns.

Andsoforth · 03/01/2023 17:09

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/01/2023 17:08

I wouldn’t do one special present from mum. I would do 2. With a bit of luck the arms race will mean that within a couple of years he will be doing half the buying, hiding and wrapping.

Genius!

StrapOnYourHeroHair · 03/01/2023 17:13

I wouldn’t be happy in your shoes. It unfairly paints him as being incredibly thoughtful and your (much bigger) efforts end up being taken for granted.

I say this having been the kid of someone who worked away and came home every couple of weeks with presents that made him seem like the cool, fun parent. And, weirdly, having received a present just from him one year (out of 40 mind) that really should have been in with all the others.

It’s only with hindsight that I see how shit my mother must have felt, single-handedly looking after us 90% of the time and doing absolutely EVERYTHING at Christmas - and being cast into the shadows while my dad got a round of applause for his occasional participation.

HOWEVER, it’s totally possible that I’m projecting as obviously there was a bigger dynamic at play in my family.

Usernameismyname01 · 03/01/2023 17:14

Surely the present you bought are from mum and dad - if so, ask him why he thought it was acceptable to buy a separate one just from him

And if he wants to carry this on, just label all the others from mum only and give the kids them after his measly 1 present and have the upper hand in gifting more and stick 2 fingers up to him

Flapjackquack · 03/01/2023 17:17

Sounds like a man wanting praise for doing something women do and never get acknowledged for. Shocker.

I would tell him he stops doing it or I would just write love Mum on all the presents you buy and wrap.

DamnYerEyes · 03/01/2023 17:21

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/01/2023 17:08

I wouldn’t do one special present from mum. I would do 2. With a bit of luck the arms race will mean that within a couple of years he will be doing half the buying, hiding and wrapping.

Yes! Grin

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2023 17:21

Wow. What an arsehole thing to do. Tell him next year all the other presents that you presented from both of you will be presented as 'a special one just from mummy.'

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2023 17:23

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/01/2023 17:08

I wouldn’t do one special present from mum. I would do 2. With a bit of luck the arms race will mean that within a couple of years he will be doing half the buying, hiding and wrapping.

😂😂😂 or this! Even better. Genius.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/01/2023 17:24

Wrap up every other present with a tag that says, "With love from Mum" so that when he brings out his (one) present it doesn't look as good.

He sounds like he wants to be the centre of attention and not do any of the donkey work.