A very happy Christmas - but even so…

[TrickyD]

We had a perfectly delightful Christmas.

DS1, his DP and our five year old DGS arrived on Christmas Eve and stayed until today. On Christmas Eve we were joined by DS2, his DP, his three kids and the GF of our eldest DGS for our usual ‘Alpine Supper’ , cheese fondue, plus chicken and steak cooked on the hot stone, salad etc. A festive start to Christmas and great fun.

On Christmas Day, evening turkey dinner with provision for vegans. flaming Christmas pud and general feeling of well-being and cheerfulness.

Everyone was delighted with their presents, our DSs and their DPs were very generous to us and they all seemed thrilled with the items we gave them, as did all DGCs and DPs.

Our sons’ partners are just amazingly loving and helpful and kind. We are so lucky to have these women in our family. All cousins get on with each other
no grumpiness or rivalry, we are very fortunate.

However, even though fantastic DH cooked all the meals, I made the Christmas Cake, the Rocky Road mountain with little reindeer on it, the biscuit Star Cake, marzipan fruits , mince pies, canapés, decorated two Christmas trees, garlanded three fireplaces, bought all the presents, did Christmas cards and laid various festive tables for 11 and performed other similar activities, I still felt guilty because it wasn’t up to my usual amount of festive creation..

No chocolate Yule log made, no croquembouche (profiterole tower) no lighted Garland all the way up the bannisters.

I feel sad that I didn’t swing into the usual all enveloping mad round of cooking and decorating. DH says I am nuts, that I did more than enough and certainly no one seemed to notice the absence of bannister garlands and Yule log cake.

I simply didn’t have the energy this year. I am 78, with a pacemaker.

I asked DH how he would feel about going away on our own next Christmas. He thought it was a brilliant idea, everything done for us, no cooking for him!

Then I asked DSs how they would feel. DS2 whose partner Is Italian, said they would do Italian stuff with DPs family, DSI’s DP said it would be their first Christmas in the house they have lived in for 7 years. Either they have spent Christmas in her home country or with us. They seemed OK about it (possibly thanking Heaven not to have to humour me by participating in Christmas
here 😃 too polite to say so!)

So, green light to go away.

But, can I really steel myself to do that? Easy if the family were difficult, but they are all so nice. Our house is big enough to absorb them all, DSs’ houses not so much.

If I can’t manage hosting next year when I will be 79, am I really likely ever to manage it again?

This Christmas was so perfect is it better to quit on a high note or should we soldier on for another year?

I think it's time to savour and mentally memory box these wonderful Christmas celebrations that you've had. They sound great.
I think you sound a little sad that there was no horror and dismay from those there. That really doesn't mean they haven't enjoyed it though. They can probably see it's a lot for you and also they want to do something a little different.
If I were you I'd do the easy christmas but not ditch the annual get together. Keep the elements you love (the family) and ditch the stressy non essentials (decorations, cooking etc). Go out for a meal or get caterers in.

But in eg May for the get together not at Xmas

By all means go away next year, but what this Christmas has made me realise is that it's about people, not food.

Mum and Dad didn't want to come to ours even though we'd have happily driven them [long story] but are no longer up to preparing a big meal, so I cooked most of the Christmas dinner in advance and it was heated up on the day, meaning DM just had some vegetables to cook.

We went to SILs for boxing day and the night after and both evenings she put out Christmas leftovers and heated up some pre made buffet food. I wouldn't have wanted another evening of it, but it meant no one was slaving away in the kitchen and the focus was on games and presents rather than the food.

It sounds like you have a lovely extended family, so time to share the load and get them to do more, and also have less or buy it in.

There is a (big) middle ground. Share the load, cut back on garlanding the dog or whatever, ask one lovely DIL to bring a panettone and the other to bring mince pies. While it’s still fresh in your mind think about which tasks can go and which can be delegated. No one wants you running around like a skivvy in the name of perfection.

It sounds like you’ve amassed a huge amount of Christmas skills during a lifetime of hosting your lovely family. Why not write it all down in a book and gift it to them, so they have carry some of the traditions through into the future, if they want? They take yourself away and put your feet up.

I can't see why you'd have to choose between your perfect Christmas exactly as you've always done it and going away somewhere completely new and not seeing the family at all.

Why not let them host? It could even still be at your home if that's the biggest one but this time round you enjoy it more as a recipient than hostess. Pass on your traditions and let them come up with new ones?

Wow! You are an amazing woman and your family must treasure Christmas at your house.

I would simply delegate the food prep and cooking and do the decorating and prep throughout December. Maybe pay a cleaner to come in and blast the house and do the beds before and after?

Your Christmas sounds absolutely perfect. I think you’ll be very sad to miss it next year. Find a way to lighten the load and savour them for as long as you possibly can.

You've been given a green card to go away - just the 2 of you - for a holiday.

Take it.

They'll live and learn that it isn't all bought from M&S and I've no doubt you'll have an early or late christmas with both of them.

Enjoy it.

One of my favourite memories is helping my grandmother prepare/decorate/cook for entire family for Christmas. It was hard work but I loved the connection and spending time with her - learning all her little tricks in the kitchen and how to make dish X 'just so'. It is one of my most treasured 'things' that I look forward to passing onto my daughter (or maybe even her daughter) - if they show interest.

I know that my father (grandmother's only child) appreciated a lot that we managed to preserve grandmother's recipes and overall atmosphere she created for the family even after she was no longer with us. So maybe that's something to consider - making Christmas a family effort - getting your lovely DSs and DSILs and grandchildren involved - teaching them how to create magic.

It sounds like you had such a lovely Christmas. Yes why don’t you go away next year. I find once you break with tradition, even if you are worried about it, it’s fine and people accept it more than you think.

What a lovely idea.

This is SUCH a lovely idea, OP. Your Christmas hosting ends on a high note and you have a written legacy to hand over to the next generation, what a gift! I know I'd treasure something like this from my mum who is something of a Christmas master, too.

It's probably time to hand over the baton, @TrickyD - I'm 20 years younger and just reading all of that is exhausting! Times change, and you can always make new traditions - should that be to go away or let your sons and daughters-in-law host you, in your house or theirs.

I love the idea of writing it all down - and just want to say, so refreshing to read on MN about a truly happy Christmas celebration!

You seem to be saying that you made a massive effort this year. Yet you are discontented because you didn't do a croquembouche etc. Even what you did felt like too much so you are considering going away next year, which your family is fine with. They did not notice the lack of garlands on the stairs

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You are being a martyr. You are creating this Christmas that YOU want or is it what you feel you should do? YOU want the food, the decorations etc. Who else REALLY does though?

Clearly, everybody else had a lovely time, and they love you very much, which is why they are all happy for you to do whatever you like next year. But how many of the things that you actually cooked made Christmas amazing? How much of it was just about time spent together? I don't think you are actually losing sight of what Christmas is about, I actually think you are underestimating your importance as opposed to the importance of the things you do. You could probably have your Christmas in a really much easier mode. Your Christmas eve dinner is what I do when I can't be bothered to cook, it's so easy, and if your husband does the main meal, then just keep the rest simple, buy your desserts, nobody else will mind, writing your Christmas cards, well you will do that whether you go away or not. Just simplify, you have a great family, you'll have a lovely time, because I'm sure your family want to have time with you and they don't care if you made the mince pies or M&S did and they will all cope if you just put up a tree and don't decorate a single fireplace.

It sounds wonderful and like you’ve put many years of hard work in to make Christmas happen!
I think it’s time for the middle generation to start hosting you.

Thank you for all your kind comments!

PicaK yes whatever we do about Christmas we will probably be taking them away for a family summer holiday as usual and there will certainly be family get togethers as well. DH doing his fantastic cooking.

Rookiemere and TheWayTheLightFalls yes, sharing the load would help. In fact one of the DILs said we should have asked them to bring some of the festive extras, but they already come bearing copious gifts of alcohol chocolates etc, Thanks to DH, running around skivvying is not a major problem, it is more the trying to get so much done in advance. Yes, mince pies could be delegated but I make them earlier in December so that there are plenty for DS2 who lives locally and is very partial to them when he drops in. Yes I could assemble instructions for the partícularly popular Rocky Road recipe and tell them where the little reindeer are kept, and write it down. But it seems easier to get on with it myself.

Cinnamon , DH already is I/c veg prep and all that sort of stuff. No way am I about to LTB. DH and I, being retired, do go away quite frequently on our own, it is just the Christmas thing that is hard to shake off along with my enjoying the röle of Matriarch, or as Darjeelingrose perceptively puts it martyrdom. Darjeelingrose, I actually shed a few tears on reading your kind post, much appreciated.

When the DSs were in their 20s DH and I did go away several times skiing at Christmas. The occasion when we were away and DS2 broke DS1’s arm while arm wrestling was recalled yesterday. Those present remembered the noise sounding like the kitchen table leg breaking. Christmas in hospital and ‘For God’s sake don’t tell mum until they get back’ .

But I hope we would be spared that sort of thing now they are middle aged.

Reading this it comes over as one of those AIBUs where the OP is offered various solutions to her problems, but keeps rejecting them. You are all so kind and thoughtful, and have given me new ways of thinking. Serious planning will now take place.

P.S. I discovered the Gingerbread house kit in the pantry today, unconstructed and totally forgotten. No one missed it. Definitely a job to delegate!

@TrickyD I think I quite like the suggestion of @WhenisitmyturntobePM , to write it all down and pass it on. I've seen your pics of some of your decs over the years on various threads & loved them (I aspire to recreate one of the fireplace pics you posted, maybe last year, or the year before, it was beautiful).

Maybe try a quieter Christmas, just the two of you, and see how it feels for all of you to do something different? If you don't enjoy it as much, then explain to your family that you missed certain elements this year - if you remember - and see if they fancy helping out with more of the prep? Or if there's anything in particular they missed, as well as you?

Aw your Christmas sounds magical and wholesome. I wish I came from a family that had such a love for Christmas and everyone got along, how nice is that. Thanks for sharing this picture perfect Xmas with us :)

I think it totally depends on how you personally feel, if you feel it is all too much and you would enjoy a quiet Xmas away then do that, if you feel you'd love to host but struggle with doing it all then of course you could always delegate some of it. Perhaps ask your children or grandchildren to help decorate or cook or both.

Or you could go a whole wildcard and offer your home up for your family to host you for Xmas since it is big enough and you sit back and let them dive in and do it their way and treat you, that way you all still get to spend it together but you don't have so much to do and can relax.

Are you sure you can go cold turkey? It would be such a big change I think you should try the alternative suggestions of letting other people do more in future.

Rookiemere and TheWayTheLightFalls yes, sharing the load would help. In fact one of the DILs said we should have asked them to bring some of the festive extras, but they already come bearing copious gifts of alcohol chocolates etc, Thanks to DH, running around skivvying is not a major problem, it is more the trying to get so much done in advance. Yes, mince pies could be delegated but I make them earlier in December so that there are plenty for DS2 who lives locally and is very partial to them when he drops in. Yes I could assemble instructions for the partícularly popular Rocky Road recipe and tell them where the little reindeer are kept, and write it down. But it seems easier to get on with it myself.

It seems easier, until it doesn’t. It’s fine to do less OP, is all I’m saying. What you’re describing sounds over the top/ hard to achieve at any age. At 79 I think you should really be shifting down a gear / thinking about how to hand things gently on to the younger family members.

Sounds like a lovely Christmas to me. I’m very impressed buy how much you did do.

Reading what you did made me feel exhausted and I'm a wee bit younger at 46. Christmas sounded perfect.

Do the Xmas eve alpine night before you go away. Do another part when you get back or let one of your sons sort it out. Keep some elements but scale it back and delegate.

If you've pulled all that off year those skills aren't going to go away. Give yourself a well-earned year off. After that, choose what you want to do. Don't look that far ahead.