AIBU just to be really disappointed with Christmas?

[FrenchFancie]

We’ve had a tough year - international house move from a beautiful place back to UK to a significantly small house in a less lovely area! Both started new jobs that are more demanding and less well paid than previously. Hosting Christmas with some UK family as haven’t been able to see them at Christmas for years.

in laws sent nothing - no Christmas gifts for us or children, no cards, nothing. This was the whole family so parents and two siblings in law. We sent gifts for everybody and all the nieces / nephews so a significant chunk of money. Also three separate birthday gifts for family members with December birthdays on that side.

ive spent all Christmas catering like the clappers cooking three meals a day - oh didn’t even do the washing up on Christmas Day! I literally did the lot and was so tired and cross.

oh did get me a Christmas gift - a track racing day at a track 300 miles away and that I can’t use anyway due to having a restricted licence due to disability - which he knows about.

i just feel massively underwhelmed by the whole thing. Like I’ve spent all of December going out of my mind sorting gifts and card and food for people who don’t give a fuck.

i bought myself a nice new purse in the sales and OH raised an eyebrow as it was £40 (down from £89 but still… apparently it’s still to much).

am so tempted just to walk out on the lot of them!!

That sounds shit tbh. Have you told them all what dickheads they’ve been? Not that you should have to, but some people will treat you how you allow them to.

“am so tempted just to walk out on the lot of them!!“

If you can, why don’t you?

Was there really not one instance of pleasure or joy in the past few days?

Children are mentioned, but in such a peripheral way I can only assume that none are your own.
I’m depressed for you.

What was his thinking behind the truck day, is he hoping to use it himself? Seems a very strange gift to give you.

Yes that’s rubbish. However I’ve maintained all along the expectation doesn’t fit the reality anymore.
I bought so much food to feed everyone on Boxing Day because they all have they’re own idea of what makes it a proper spread. Very little was eaten. Cost a fortune, looked amazing but absolutely waste of time (lots of shopping as shops didn’t have everything at onetime), money and effort.

No idea what the answer is though. The good bits of Christmas are family/ friends, nice food and presents you want and those are quite interlinked.

We have a DD age 9 but the in-laws didn’t buy for her. OH did help her make a home made gift for me, which was lovely. Luckily she didn’t notice the gift disparity (or if she did she didn’t say anything).

im probably just tired and grumpy. Everyone going home today so I’m hoping to do something nice for myself tomorrow….

I don’t understand why you did all the washing up and your husband did nothing. Even if he’s selfish enough not to consider doing it why didn’t you go up to him and ask him to do it given that you had cooked?

That is shit, OP, especially the track day.

Amuse yourself with thoughts of what you can buy DH next year. A gift certificate for a facial? Manicure and pedicure? How about a cashmere scarf in your favourite colour? Do you have any hobbies that need equipment? A golf club sized for you rather than DH,
perhaps?

You can't legislate for in laws, remember to just buy token gifts next year or nothing at all.

DH is a different matter. Why are you allowing him to be so shit? I know it'd be better if he was the perfect partner without any input but he isn't and you still married him and had kids. Discuss how to split tasks fairly in future, if he's a good man he'll do it, if not why would you stay?

Sorry its been shit. Buy yourself another present and stop doing anything not essential.

Sounds like a big mismatch of expectations and a lack of communication.

You bought presents this year but what do you normally do? Do you normally all send presents and have they just stopped this year without saying anything.
Why was your husband not involved in planning and preparing Christmas?
Why didn’t you say I’ve done all the cooking, who is doing the washing and who is doing the drying?

“We have a DD age 9 but the in-laws didn’t buy for her”

Rather than have a repeat of this Christmas, just decide on somewhere else for you and your daughter to be next year and clear off with her for the holidays.
The person you call OH (who clearly isn’t ) can be made to understand what drove you to do this and it’s either deal with it or you walking out of the relationship.

A Christmas by himself should make it clear what you’ve been handling.

Who bought who gifts shouldn’t be the issue here, something much bigger is going on. But the racing day “gift” and grumbling at a purse purchase are major red flags.

Save yourself. Save your daughter (let her see this isn’t OK). Don’t put up with it anymore.

The part of this I can't understand is your oh buying you a gift you can't use. That definitely warrants a conversation, what was he thinking?

When you say you didn't get any gifts and child didn't either, do you mean the people you hosted at your house for Christmas and didn't bring anything with them or are the family abroad? As I'd kind of understand why family abroad may not send anything this year with the postal strikes etc.

Well that’s really shitty of him, isn’t it.

He basically bought you a gift that he’s going to get to use, because you can’t. And then he raised an eyebrow at you getting a modestly priced little something for yourself...not a decent man.

Stop martyring yourself for everyone else. They don’t, and won’t, appreciate it. Do something special and low-key with your daughter instead.

Also, don’t ever just do all the shit work again. Why on earth should you meekly agree to cast yourself in a servile role to everyone else? If you’ve cooked/hosted 3 days in a row you say straight out on Christmas Day (or whenever) ‘I’m not doing the washing up. You can sort out the cleaning and tidying since I’ve been on my feet for three days!’

Xmas is always shit OP. I stopped catering for everyone and spending a fortune on gifts many years ago after numerous such experiences. I feel so much happier now.
Stop running around after everyone.
Tell your OH you aren't doing it next year and hand it all over to him.

I think it’s about realistic expectations and planning. I think of it as a ‘super Sunday’ it isn’t actually a magical day. It’s a nice day with a roast and some presents. It’s normally the women in the household that spend December running around wearing themselves out and it doesn’t need to be like that. Take a leaf out of many men’s books and don’t do this, spend some of the day on the couch.
I ditched present buying apart for my DH, DC and parents (just my DM now) about 20
years ago so that saves a lot of effort.
I order the whole Christmas lunch from M&S as it’s so easy, again no stress there. Evening meal is cake, chocolates, turkey sandwich and cheese and biscuits.

I always buy myself (we have a joint account) what I want and give it to DH to wrap. That way I get excellent presents! 😁

Get yourself a nice gift to feel better - a Spa day in the new year maybe or whatever you like. Don’t invite them all again and don’t let your OH get away with not doing the washing up after you have cooked a big meal.
I consider myself lucky in that my husband likes to cook Christmas dinner & Sunday dinners and that works for me! But I always tidy up afterwards while he retires to the sofa to watch TV with his feet up (fair enough)

@FrenchFancie I feel like your post sums up the mood of the nation. Everything feels shitter this year - standard of living has reduced as we are (mostly) all poorer due to cost of living rises.

Christmas has amplified this feeling. The extra expense and expectation.

I would be bothered by the in laws - just clarify you aren't doing presents next year, I'd be delighted with that outcome.

A serious conversation is needed with your OH. Why did he not do his fair share on Christmas day? Why did he buy a gift you cannot use? Why is he raising eyebrows at you spending money?

Have you seen the in-laws? Perhaps they will give gifts when they see you or might be stuck in the post. I wouldn’t say anything at this stage.
your oh sounds rubbish, I think you totally deserve your purse and some time off!

This is preposterous. NEVER host again. Maybe even book a table at a restaurant next year. Send NO presents to family next year. Tell OH you want a refund on the track voucher. If he can't get one, then he can use it and give you the £££ that it cost in cash.

Why did OH let you do all the work? That's a serious problem. Is he like that all the time?

Re moving back to the UK for less money/smaller house etc, that decision doesn't seem to make any sense to me, however, perhaps it's a good thing because at least you will be here instead of abroad if you and OH separate, which I would be thinking about, especially if he is useless all the time.

My Ex's family would come and stay for 5 nights and do NOTHING. It was exhausting. There were 7 of them, and 4 were morbidly obese. My Ex also let me do it ALL. All the cooking, clearing up, all the prep of beds and the cleaning when they'd gone. I complained one time, and he gave me a slow hand clap. Uurgh! That's not why I left him, but omg what a wonderful feeling knowing I never have to do that again!

So, after 30 years of hosting this year I semi went on strike
Xmas Eve, no eye-wateringly expensive buffet. Had indian food delivered. Cheaper, nicer, no left overs to eat up.
Bought myself a tablet and case that I wanted. Wrapped it up and put it under the tree "to me from me". Made up in advance for the book dh got me that he wanted.
Dh did Xmas Dinner for the first time ever. Sat down and enjoyed it. Boxing day we fecked off to a holiday lodge.
I should have stopped being a Christmas martyr years ago.

Time to sit down with your partner and have a serious talk. He's bought you a gift he knows you can't us (so I'm assuming he thinks he will be able to have it himself... essentially he's bought himself a gift), he hasn't lifted a finger and let you run yourself ragged. Time to set out expectations going forward, he needs to buck his ideas up and start contributing or else you need to start reconsidering the relationship. He's not bringing anything positive to you at this stage.

Token gifts (at best) for in-laws next year. If they can't even be bothered to buy for their grandchild why are you bothering to buy for them.

That sounds really awful . I just don't know what goes through peoples heads I really don't . Have gifts ever been exchanged before , have they told your OH they aren't doing presents and he's not told you . So many questions .
After all that and he has the audacity to query the cost of a cheap purse I'd deck him and explain you are opting out next year .
Horrible people unless there is a major backstory

I think the house move is possibly not really part of this.

It's not even about the inlaws really. It's your partner that's the biggest thing.