Page 2 | AIBU just to be really disappointed with Christmas?

FrenchFancie · 2022-12-29T10:22:07+00:00

We’ve had a tough year - international house move from a beautiful place back to UK to a significantly small house in a less lovely area! Both started new jobs that are more demanding and less well paid than previously. Hosting Christmas with some UK family as haven’t been able to see them at Christmas for years. in laws sent nothing - no Christmas gifts for us or children, no cards, nothing. This was the whole family so parents and two siblings in law. We sent gifts for everybody and all the nieces / nephews so a significant chunk of money. Also three separate birthday gifts for family members with December birthdays on that side. ive spent all Christmas catering like the clappers cooking three meals a day - oh didn’t even do the washing up on Christmas Day! I literally did the lot and was so tired and cross. oh did get me a Christmas gift - a track racing day at a track 300 miles away and that I can’t use anyway due to having a restricted licence due to disability - which he knows about. i just feel massively underwhelmed by the whole thing. Like I’ve spent all of December going out of my mind sorting gifts and card and food for people who don’t give a fuck. i bought myself a nice new purse in the sales and OH raised an eyebrow as it was £40 (down from £89 but still… apparently it’s still to much). am so tempted just to walk out on the lot of them!!

KnottyKnitting · 30/12/2022 10:29

Is the track day something you can swap? I got an experience day a few years ago which wasn't my cup of tea and I was able to swap it for a spa day ( think it was a virgin thing.)

In future wash your hands of ILs and leave all the present decisions to OH. Beggars belief that an OH knows his partner has a disability and

Leaves them to do all the work.
Buys them a thoughtless present they can't use
Complains about them spending money on themselves when a fortune has been spent on his own family.

What a selfish arse...

Beautiful3 · 30/12/2022 10:58

Make less stress for yourselves next time. No more gifts and cards and no more hosting.

Quinoawoman · 30/12/2022 11:01

I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish Christmas. I think it's important to set boundaries for next year:

Agree with in-laws whether you are exchanging gifts or not.
Agree with your partner and visiting family exactly who will be doing the cooking / bringing food / washing up. If you don't get the help you need, insist that you will order takeaway / ready made food instead.
Give your partner a list of presents he can choose from to buy you for next year, and I'm afraid you'll need to have the hard conversation about why the lack of thought in this year's gift has upset you.

None of this will be 'easy' but the alternative is to go on feeling like a martyr forever, which is clearly not making you happy and is totally unfair.

MountainChalet · 30/12/2022 11:32

Who were the guests you were hosting? Did they all come empty handed? Your dh is useless. None of the guests give you a hand neither?

Sloth66 · 31/12/2022 14:27

Let your DH deal with the ILs . Why should you get involved at all? He can buy all the presents, sort rooms out, cook. His turn next year, though as he sounds selfish and lazy I think you have a bigger problem

GettingStuffed · 31/12/2022 14:38

Check if you can swap the racing track day for one you'd prefer

sammac82 · 31/12/2022 14:56

I think we tend to measure Christmas to those we had as a child when someone else was doing all the work! As a child Christmas just happens all around you, parties, panto, ballet, decorations, presents, films, nice food and sweets as if by magic when in reality its your parents, especially usually your Mum making it all happen. They have all the stress and effort while you just get the nice bits.

If you could somehow have that deal as an adult i.e. someone else doing all the work and you just getting gifts, parties, panto and nice food then Christmas would still be pretty magical. The definition of magic is "the power of apparently influencing events by using mysterious or supernatural forces" and when you are a kid that is exactly how Christmas seems like it just magically happens but in reality its your Mum playing Paul Daniels!

QueefQueen80s · 31/12/2022 15:44

Cooking 3 meals a day? Why? People can help themselves to breakfast and lunch, snacks and drinks.

That does all sound really shit though, OH should have helped, guests should have offered. Everyone is taking you for granted.

QueefQueen80s · 31/12/2022 15:47

But ultimately OH sounds the biggest issue.. to not offer to help? To not notice your hard work and deny you spending £40 on yourself? Fuck him.

00100001 · 31/12/2022 15:49

Why were you cooking 3 meals a day, and then why weren't you getting people to help/make their own/take their turn?

Patchworksack · 31/12/2022 16:01

sammac82 · 31/12/2022 14:56

I think we tend to measure Christmas to those we had as a child when someone else was doing all the work! As a child Christmas just happens all around you, parties, panto, ballet, decorations, presents, films, nice food and sweets as if by magic when in reality its your parents, especially usually your Mum making it all happen. They have all the stress and effort while you just get the nice bits.

If you could somehow have that deal as an adult i.e. someone else doing all the work and you just getting gifts, parties, panto and nice food then Christmas would still be pretty magical. The definition of magic is "the power of apparently influencing events by using mysterious or supernatural forces" and when you are a kid that is exactly how Christmas seems like it just magically happens but in reality its your Mum playing Paul Daniels!

I think you hit the nail on the head here. I’m always left feeling Christmas is a bit crap but it’s the mismatch between the effort involved in trying to make it lovely for everyone else and the lack of appreciation. OP you seem to have a particularly bad case of the same problem that you are making all the effort and getting none of the reward. Your partner is bang out of order - insist he gets a refund on the voucher so you can either exchange for an experience you want or have the money to buy whatever you want.

Isthisreasonable · 31/12/2022 16:50

I'd just sell the track voucher myself so that OH didn't benefit from it in any way. Next Xmas (if you're still with OH) go away just yourself and dd and let someone else do all the work so the two of you can get some quality time together and sod OH and the rest of them

Myrighteyeball · 31/12/2022 20:05

This year, for the first time ever, I bought only one gift (for my grandmother) plus stocking gifts for each of my daughters. We had Christmas lunch at a restaurant and went out for dinner on NYE. I did not:

decorate the house or put up a tree (my children did not care a jot)
host any Christmas or New Years Eve functions (except drinks with one child's godparents, who host us regularly)
do any Christmas baking or buying of special food apart from a bottle of champagne for NYE
write any Christmas cards
stay up late on NYE, which my husband likes but I hate

It was fucking bliss, and my children didn't care (or at least they said they didn't). This year I'll do the same, and maybe put a wreath on the front door.

It's NY day where I am and I've woken up at 6am rested and looking forward to the day. Usually I'd be exhausted and cranky.

OP, your partner is an arse. Do not do a single thing next year. He doesn't get to buy himself a lovely day of leisure with your labour.

Myrighteyeball · 31/12/2022 20:08

Also, as PPs have said, make your partner deal with the inconvenience of getting a refund and giving you the cash for the track voucher. Then do something nice with it JUST FOR YOURSELF.

a1poshpaws · 31/12/2022 21:15

@FrenchFancie

"am so tempted just to walk out on the lot of them!!"

Probably because you actually realise now that that's exactly what you should do.

Only, see a solicitor first, give him/her all the mutual financial info and make sure you get every penny/benefit you'll be entitled to, and make the walk out permanent.

Bringing your DD up with such a bloo*y awful father as an example, and also his tight-as-a-duck's-are-but not-nearly-so-useful family is IMHO a sort of abuse. Get gone, and show her how to value herself and the people she loves.

Gymmum82 · 31/12/2022 21:52

Christmas is always a bit of a letdown. This year has been worse than most.
Stayed with family mum lost it and started screaming and ranting over a joke. Husband got drunk and vomited all over the bedroom then woke the entire house up.
Decided we won’t be going anywhere next year.

You need to speak to your husband. I would have told him to go and do the washing up. No arguments. As for the gift I’d see if you can exchange it for something else and ask what on earth he was thinking. If he bought it with the intent of using it himself I would make sure that didn’t happen. I would regift it to someone else if need be. He 100% wouldn’t be going

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 22:50

Oh, that sounds pants.
Sorry it was disappointing. Next year, plan to do the things that will bring you joy x

3487642l · 31/12/2022 22:59

Myrighteyeball · 31/12/2022 20:05

This year, for the first time ever, I bought only one gift (for my grandmother) plus stocking gifts for each of my daughters. We had Christmas lunch at a restaurant and went out for dinner on NYE. I did not:

decorate the house or put up a tree (my children did not care a jot)
host any Christmas or New Years Eve functions (except drinks with one child's godparents, who host us regularly)
do any Christmas baking or buying of special food apart from a bottle of champagne for NYE
write any Christmas cards
stay up late on NYE, which my husband likes but I hate

It was fucking bliss, and my children didn't care (or at least they said they didn't). This year I'll do the same, and maybe put a wreath on the front door.

It's NY day where I am and I've woken up at 6am rested and looking forward to the day. Usually I'd be exhausted and cranky.

OP, your partner is an arse. Do not do a single thing next year. He doesn't get to buy himself a lovely day of leisure with your labour.

This is so inspiring! Thanks for sharing.

Lots of great advice on this thread. Makes me think now is the time to start planning for next year so I end up feeling relaxed and happy at the end of Christmas.

3487642l · 31/12/2022 23:01

sammac82 · 31/12/2022 14:56

I think we tend to measure Christmas to those we had as a child when someone else was doing all the work! As a child Christmas just happens all around you, parties, panto, ballet, decorations, presents, films, nice food and sweets as if by magic when in reality its your parents, especially usually your Mum making it all happen. They have all the stress and effort while you just get the nice bits.

If you could somehow have that deal as an adult i.e. someone else doing all the work and you just getting gifts, parties, panto and nice food then Christmas would still be pretty magical. The definition of magic is "the power of apparently influencing events by using mysterious or supernatural forces" and when you are a kid that is exactly how Christmas seems like it just magically happens but in reality its your Mum playing Paul Daniels!

Sounds like OPs husband did get this magical experience?

SweetSakura · 31/12/2022 23:11

Some of it might be mismatched expectations (eg. Many people have scaled down how many people outside immediate family they buy for; very few people would have 3 cooked meals a day)

But some of it is your DH being crap. What was his logic behind the gift?

It's hard to comment on the bag buying without knowing your finances, but if money isn't tight then yes he's being an arse. I always buy myself some gifts both before and after Christmas, then I have zero reliance on other people choosing well

mackthepony · 01/01/2023 02:00

Lower your expectations. I expect Christmas Day itself to be a bit shit because we see the in-laws but the rest of the time I basically please myself. I refuse to host as it's just unappreciated drudgery, which I do enough of anyway!