Guests saying nothing when you offer things

[boobashka]

My brothers and their families staying over for Christmas. Everyone getting along well and all very nice etc.
I'm being the hostess with the mostess.
But when I ask 'would anyone like a hot drink/ booze/ nibbles/ whatever', everyone ignores me! Annoying! WHY?

No-one wants to be the first one to say yes and seem like they're imposing.

You're better off just offering nibbles round/putting them out. Or say 'I'm putting the kettle on....who wants tea and who wants coffee?' and then they'll respond.

That would really annoy me too. My DB just says "no" and it really annoys me that he doesn't say "no thanks" or "no, im alright" so being completely ignored would probably tip me over the edge

This is what you have to do.

My extended family in law (who we hosted today) are all irritatingly indecisive about everything (‘Oh, whatever suits you’ /‘I don’t mind, really’ etc) and also do the ignoring a question thing.

So I just say ‘I’m making myself a drink’ and that gives them license to tag along on the order. And I just feed at intervals, like children.

Tis annoying though.

Just tell everyone to help themselves/make them feel at home instead of chasing them around offering drinks etc.

You might be over doing it as 'the hostesses with the mostess' which can get a bit annoying, to be honest.

😂@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I take your point about it being annoying but I promise I'm really not overdoing it!
@NoSquirrels @NuffSaidSam I will try the 'I'm putting the kettle ' suggestion today and see if it helps. I think you're right - they're being polite /indecisive but it's not v helpful to me!

Sympathy - @ForgedInFire your brother sounds so rude !

My inlaws are like this, particularly FIL.

Im I’m not hugely nice and say I already have three children in the house I have to make decisions for (what/when to eat and drink) and I’m not doing it for him too and I’d like him to model behaviour they should see so actually, I would like him to say if he’d like a piece of cake/what sandwich he’d like for lunch etc.

but I don’t drink hot drinks so rarely offer that :)

Just leave them out and tell everyone to help themselves.

My mum does a variation on this. She refuses every offer (politely though), but as soon as anyone else has put in their requests will say 'Oh go on then, I will if you're putting the kettle on/opening it anyway/doing a sandwich for John.' I think she'd pass out with hunger or thirst rather than be the only one to accept an offer.

She tries to be no imposition at all, which is actually worse than accepting standard offers first time because you are just waiting for that about-turn. Just say yes, I'm offering because I want you to be comfortable and happy!

@LubaLuca yes! My mum does this too.
Just be decisive and tell me what you want! 😆

Perhaps they are already overstuffed.

Oh, goodness - we once had a guest who said 'I don't mind' to everything. 'Would you like a cup of tea?' 'I don't mind'. 'Would you like to come with us for a walk?' 'I don't mind'. I wasn't annoyed because I think it was her idea of being polite (she was much younger than us) but it did make it difficult to know whether she was happy and comfortable.

Frankly I'd much rather that than keep having glasses proffered towards me for a top up or can I pop the kettle on! I'm not a bloody waitress!

If I offer and no one says anything, I make myself a drink and sit down.

Oh, anyone who did that would get short shrift here! I am a good host but I am not anyone’s servant.

This drives me insane. Happens every sodding time. Glad I'm not alone. It's so tempting to scan the room and follow up with 'FFS, somebody SPEAK!'.

After about the third time I told them if they wanted anything to help themselves and while they were up they could get me a drink too. They got the message!

You're being way too vague. I've trained young children out of addressing 'the room' in the way you are doing. In their case standing mid-room and saying into the air 'can someone get me / help me with...?' In yours 'does anyone want...?'

So in the same way I'd explain it step-by-step to a child: You need to decide who you are talking to, go to them, check that their attention is available (they're not mid-conversation, talking on the phone, mid-game etc), gain their attention by addressing them by name, pause until you have their attention focused upon you, then ask your question.

Otherwise you're talking to a room and should not expect a response from a person.

I know it's not quite the same adult-to-adult but there are similarities and I would understand what you're doing as tokenistic and insincere. 'I don't really want to make tea for anyone but want to give the appearance of asking'.

If you want answers you need to be a lot more definite. 'I am making tea now. There's cake and biscuits. Would anyone like tea, coffee or a cold drink and something to eat? Paul what would you like? Margery? and you Joanna, cup of tea and a biscuit?'

So maybe they're being 'too polite' and holding back until you really engage with them. Or maybe they're content, relaxed and no response is their way of conveying that.

I would just say - in as big and booming a voice as I could muster -

"So that's a 'no' then? Righty-ho!"

Then go and serve myself whatever I'd offered.

Shout louder so the buggers can hear you

Surely if no-one answers you make yourself a drink, if they then decide they want one too, point them in the direction of the kettle!

They will only do that if you respond by making a drink, topping up etc!

Summon up your inner Mrs. Doyle.😂

Stop offering. If people want cups of tea etc presumably they can put the kettle on. Have meals at mealtimes. Put nibbles out when you want them. Basically, hostess less - if I’m comfortable enough with someone that they’re staying in my house I’m comfortable with them pouring their own drinks!