Onlies at Xmas (no cousins)

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 2022-12-25T23:15:33+00:00

Hi all Any parents with one child feeling ravaged with guilt at Christmas? I have an only (DS 7) and I am an only. DH is from abroad and so no contacts in UK. I was a happy only growing up but had cousins (although big age gap) and grew up on an estate where I was really close to neighbour's kids and they would often come to ours for Christmas day to play. DS never complains about lack of siblings and seems to have had a fab day but deep down I just feel incredibly rubbish about it all. Would love to hear from others in a similar situation so I don't feel it's just us :(

RosesAndHellebores · 25/12/2022 23:23

All I'm going to say op as the child of two onlies, who married the eldest of three, is that relatives, unlike friends are not chosen.

Even if our DC's cousins were around the corner, rather than on another Continent, I doubt we'd see them much.

I desperately wanted two dc so they would have a sibling to rely on and be closer to later and to share the load of elderly parents. By luck ours are quite close and are mid 20s now.

DH, despite having two sisters, is the sole person who makes sure his mother has the care she needs.

Larger families are not necessarily what you think they will be.

TinfoilTwat · 25/12/2022 23:30

I always think that being an only is far preferable for younger children. I have three kids and they all have to compromise and come second (or third) sometimes. Only children tend to become well-adjusted and successful adults because they have always had their needs met, and they are used to putting themselves first (this is not a bad thing).
I think there can be advantages to having siblings as an adult, but it's a crap shoot whether or not you get on as adults. Plenty don't. I'm one of 5 and speak to my siblings less than once a year.
I love having my gang of three and wouldn't change a thing, but it was a selfish act entirely for MY benefit that I had them. Don't beat yourself up OP.

ZombiePara · 25/12/2022 23:32

@SeasonsGreeeeetings -
Speaking as an only, who had a small family, and no cousin until I was 16 (whose parents then, within the year, distanced/estranged themselves from us for reasons unknown - they also don't contact any other relatives anymore)...

I used to have a lovely day. I never felt I was missing out - I knew no different. I loved spending time with my close family (there were 4 of us for the main day, an extra 2 for Boxing day until my cousin was born), and that was just...how it was.

I have wonderful memories of growing up and Christmas holidays, the Monopoly wars we had, the enjoyment and inclusion and just... yeah.

I mean this in the nicest and most inoffensive way - this stress and worry is a you problem. And it is entirely natural as a mum and parent to worry and compare to your own experiences... but from me and mine - there's nothing to worry and stress about.

And I know, from speaking to my mum now I'm (apparently) an adult, that she had/has worries similar and that things weren't enough. But they were :)

So have a sit down, a cuppa, and give yourself a smile and pat on the back. The mere fact you're worrying shows how much you care, and gives me a strong feeling of how much love and care your Only has had today (and every other day as well!)

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 25/12/2022 23:37

RosesAndHellebores · 25/12/2022 23:23

All I'm going to say op as the child of two onlies, who married the eldest of three, is that relatives, unlike friends are not chosen.

Even if our DC's cousins were around the corner, rather than on another Continent, I doubt we'd see them much.

I desperately wanted two dc so they would have a sibling to rely on and be closer to later and to share the load of elderly parents. By luck ours are quite close and are mid 20s now.

DH, despite having two sisters, is the sole person who makes sure his mother has the care she needs.

Larger families are not necessarily what you think they will be.

Thanks for this @RosesAndHellebores
I do find though that lots of families will still get together and make an effort at Christmas. I know I should focus on the fact that despite being tiny we are a tight and happy unit...I guess it's just the "mum guilt" kicking in as usual.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 25/12/2022 23:38

TinfoilTwat · 25/12/2022 23:30

I always think that being an only is far preferable for younger children. I have three kids and they all have to compromise and come second (or third) sometimes. Only children tend to become well-adjusted and successful adults because they have always had their needs met, and they are used to putting themselves first (this is not a bad thing).
I think there can be advantages to having siblings as an adult, but it's a crap shoot whether or not you get on as adults. Plenty don't. I'm one of 5 and speak to my siblings less than once a year.
I love having my gang of three and wouldn't change a thing, but it was a selfish act entirely for MY benefit that I had them. Don't beat yourself up OP.

Aww thanks @TinfoilTwat. Such a nice way of putting it. Appreciate it.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 25/12/2022 23:40

ZombiePara · 25/12/2022 23:32

@SeasonsGreeeeetings -
Speaking as an only, who had a small family, and no cousin until I was 16 (whose parents then, within the year, distanced/estranged themselves from us for reasons unknown - they also don't contact any other relatives anymore)...

I used to have a lovely day. I never felt I was missing out - I knew no different. I loved spending time with my close family (there were 4 of us for the main day, an extra 2 for Boxing day until my cousin was born), and that was just...how it was.

I have wonderful memories of growing up and Christmas holidays, the Monopoly wars we had, the enjoyment and inclusion and just... yeah.

I mean this in the nicest and most inoffensive way - this stress and worry is a you problem. And it is entirely natural as a mum and parent to worry and compare to your own experiences... but from me and mine - there's nothing to worry and stress about.

And I know, from speaking to my mum now I'm (apparently) an adult, that she had/has worries similar and that things weren't enough. But they were :)

So have a sit down, a cuppa, and give yourself a smile and pat on the back. The mere fact you're worrying shows how much you care, and gives me a strong feeling of how much love and care your Only has had today (and every other day as well!)

awww thanks so much @ZombiePara ...you've made me cry (in a good way)🌷

OP posts:

TempsPerdu · 25/12/2022 23:45

Same boat here OP. We’re a one child family by choice, and normally very much at peace with our decision, but Christmas, with all its idealised imagery and ‘big happy family’ sentimentality, is the one time of year I really feel the absence of siblings and extended family.

DD has spent a lovely day being thoroughly spoilt by both sets of grandparents and a doting auntie, but I’m always conscious that she’s surrounded by (in many cases quite elderly) adults and lacking in interaction with her own peers. She hasn’t meaningfully interacted with another child since her school broke up on the 16th.

Actually found out today that my DB and DSIL are expecting (late in life and very much a surprise), but not sure how to feel about it given that they live in Canada and the baby will be five years younger than DD. Lovely news obviously, but it won’t be the close cousin relationship that I would have wished for for DD.

Thing is, it’s me that frets about it all; DD seems perfectly happy and has never asked for a sibling (though she would love a pet). So much of the only child stigma, I think, is based on a narrative that we’ve internalised via societal norms and the media. In practice, most only children will end up absolutely fine.

SaveMeCheezus · 25/12/2022 23:49

Same here OP! I'm an only with no cousins (at least until my late teens when I met the other side of my family) and I never felt hard done to at Christmas or any other special event as a kid, in fact I had a whale of a time being the centre of attention!

As an adult I have mixed feelings about big family celebrations (eg; with my Stepdads huge family or DH's family). On one hand I love it, but on the other I can get a bit overwhelmed - but I've learnt to embrace that and step back for some quiet time if and when I need to.

GAH3 · 25/12/2022 23:50

Us too. A 2yo only child (who will remain that way) and only one 14yo cousin, who understandably isn't interested at all. It does make me a bit sad. We're visiting friends tomorrow: a 2 child family plus their 2 similar age cousins, and I think it will be really fun but also expect to be a bit upset tomorrow evening after seeing what my DC is missing out on 😞

GroggyLegs · 25/12/2022 23:57

I'm an only.

Only have happy memories of Christmas & I'm sure I was spoiled rotten by 80's standards.
My nan used to play Lego & board games. My Dad was a good playmate too.

Enjoy your time together & stop feeling guilty. We don't miss what we dont know. Honestly - sibling relationships baffle me 😂

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 00:11

TempsPerdu · 25/12/2022 23:45

Same boat here OP. We’re a one child family by choice, and normally very much at peace with our decision, but Christmas, with all its idealised imagery and ‘big happy family’ sentimentality, is the one time of year I really feel the absence of siblings and extended family.

DD has spent a lovely day being thoroughly spoilt by both sets of grandparents and a doting auntie, but I’m always conscious that she’s surrounded by (in many cases quite elderly) adults and lacking in interaction with her own peers. She hasn’t meaningfully interacted with another child since her school broke up on the 16th.

Actually found out today that my DB and DSIL are expecting (late in life and very much a surprise), but not sure how to feel about it given that they live in Canada and the baby will be five years younger than DD. Lovely news obviously, but it won’t be the close cousin relationship that I would have wished for for DD.

Thing is, it’s me that frets about it all; DD seems perfectly happy and has never asked for a sibling (though she would love a pet). So much of the only child stigma, I think, is based on a narrative that we’ve internalised via societal norms and the media. In practice, most only children will end up absolutely fine.

very much at peace with our decision, but Christmas, with all its idealised imagery and ‘big happy family’ sentimentality, is the one time of year I really feel the absence of siblings and extended family.

Yep. Exactly this. I cope fine all year round with our situation but Christmas always gets me. As an only...I should be more rational as I had a great childhood but I keep scrutinising the detail and looking for differences between mine and DS' childhood experiences..cousins being the big thing I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 00:13

SaveMeCheezus · 25/12/2022 23:49

Same here OP! I'm an only with no cousins (at least until my late teens when I met the other side of my family) and I never felt hard done to at Christmas or any other special event as a kid, in fact I had a whale of a time being the centre of attention!

As an adult I have mixed feelings about big family celebrations (eg; with my Stepdads huge family or DH's family). On one hand I love it, but on the other I can get a bit overwhelmed - but I've learnt to embrace that and step back for some quiet time if and when I need to.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. All this positivity is therapeutic 😌

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 00:14

GAH3 · 25/12/2022 23:50

Us too. A 2yo only child (who will remain that way) and only one 14yo cousin, who understandably isn't interested at all. It does make me a bit sad. We're visiting friends tomorrow: a 2 child family plus their 2 similar age cousins, and I think it will be really fun but also expect to be a bit upset tomorrow evening after seeing what my DC is missing out on 😞

awww good luck for tomorrow. Hopefully all these positive responses will help as they're really helping me!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 00:21

GroggyLegs · 25/12/2022 23:57

I'm an only.

Only have happy memories of Christmas & I'm sure I was spoiled rotten by 80's standards.
My nan used to play Lego & board games. My Dad was a good playmate too.

Enjoy your time together & stop feeling guilty. We don't miss what we dont know. Honestly - sibling relationships baffle me 😂

We don't miss what we dont know.

This is so true!
I suppose DS is young now but as he gets older and friends talk about their Christmases in more detail, I worry that's when he'll start to notice that he's "missing out". Saying that, there are about 4 other onlies in his class at school so I guess it's increasingly more common nowadays compared to the 80s when I grew up.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 00:25

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time out to respond and for the kindness and positivity. I felt so sad tonight but I'm feeling tonnes better. 💐

OP posts:

Changingmynameyetagain · 26/12/2022 00:26

DH is an only and his Christmas’s were spent visiting his extended family of grandparents and aunts and uncles.
His cousins are much younger than him and he was a nearly a teenager when they were born so he’s not particularly close to them.
He’s generally happy in his own company and he found our own children quite stressful when they were smaller and loud, he just wasn’t use to the noise of multiple small children!

JennyWI · 26/12/2022 00:41

I was only, I did ok. I mean I missed having a close friend (I was the "odd" kid so i didn't have alot of friends). There's hope though, cause I met my best friend when I was in year 6, shes now like a sister to me and has been my freind over 20 years

AnyOldThings · 26/12/2022 07:15

I’m an only who grew up away from cousins so it was just me and my parents for Christmas Day.
I LOVED it. Such lovely memories of wonderful exciting gifts and favourite foods.

My DD(16) is also an only with no cousins nearby and she’s told me before many times how glad she is that she’s an only too. That her friends who don’t get along with siblings or who have to come second in some family drama/need aren’t happy.

She knows nothing other than Christmasses focused on her happiness. On making her favourite food. On our small family not arguing or falling out. On it being a happy and loved day.

She finds peace in time alone. She’s loving and giving by nature. The fact that she’s an only is irrelevant to her happiness.

DreamingofItaly2023 · 26/12/2022 07:38

I had christmases as an only with no cousins and have always loved Christmas. Now DS is an only with no cousins and he seems very happy. Yesterday we were able to set up his new toys, play board games with him etc without having to factor in anyone else’s needs. I do get pangs of sadness when I see the TV programmes with the big families but I also know that DS would feel overwhelmed by that as he doesn’t like crowds or too much noise.

Lovethatforyou · 26/12/2022 08:08

We have an only too. Took a long time to have him with losses either side of him being born, so he’s an only by circumstance.

He has two cousins in their twenties.

He’s such a happy soul tbh. Funny, footie-obsessed, loves just playing/drawing independently.

I’ve made a big effort with other mums so he has friends and has spent some nice times with them in the lead up to Christmas.

Yesterday was lovely and chilled just focussing on him.

I bet your only had a lovely day with doting parents OP. Try not to worry x

Lovethatforyou · 26/12/2022 08:09

Ps he loves animals. We’re going to get him a dog in the next year or two which I think will be great for him :)

jevoudrais · 26/12/2022 08:10

I think mum guilt gets you either way. I grew up as one of three and loathed it. I was so upset for huge swathes of my childhood and felt like my parents didn't care about me.

DD is two and his cousins who are four, nine and 10. BIL and SIL are useless. They make noises about meeting up but never do. They didn't even get DD a birthday present (she is well on the way to three now so this wasn't a month ago etc) and reckoned they would be seeing us and wanted to give one in person but didn't. And now we've had Xmas day and none of us have had any presents despite us dropping theirs off ages ago.

I would prefer DD to have no cousins. Because it is going to be tricky to navigate as she grows up that there are these people who should love and want to get to know her, but who can't be arsed to. Planning to get DH to have the 'let's not do presents anymore' conversation initially because at least it won't be so obvious to her that they don't give a shiny shit.

Family can be amazing but they can also be hugely disappointing. I get on well with my siblings as adults, but the two excluding me don't really get along. I don't strictly remember christmases as magical and wonderful, I remember us all opening presents together and paper everywhere but I couldn't tell you about traditions or spending time with them and what it felt like.

Bumpinthenight · 26/12/2022 08:11

My teenage DD is an only. No cousins on my side and that is who we always spend Christmas with. She loves Christmas. Helps that her (25 Yr older) Uncle is like having another child in the house 😂.

This year we've had another teenager with us (and uncle has been at work). DD enjoyed sharing what she was unwrapping and looking at what other teen was unwrapping. It's been nice for them to sit and make their lego next to each other and has been good having an extra hand for washing up!

On the whole though, I don't think Christmas has magically been enhanced due to another child in the house. I think it has cemented that DD is a pretty adjusted kid and is not jealous of others. She's quite happy on her own and doesn't need constantly entertaining.

jevoudrais · 26/12/2022 08:13

I'm sorry if I come across badly because DD does have cousins! I didn't mean to. I have fertility issues and have found DD being an only hard at times and hate it when people with more than one tell me it's better.

I don't think you're wrong to wish your DD had the chance at relationships with extended family or immediate if it is what you did want, but equally, sometimes it can look magical but it's largely an illusion.

I certainly find mum guilt gets me either way. My friends are all having seconds and struggling immensely with guilt over their first born being shunted down the priority list, and I'm actually pleased I don't have to deal with that!

Dozycuntlaters · 26/12/2022 08:23

I know how you feel OP. Growing up I had 2 siblings, a fair few cousins and Christmas was always a big family thing.

My DS, now 20, is an only, no cousins that live near but even if they did I doubt they would be close. No grandparents either and the family unit is tiny. I used to feel bad for him at Christmas as I do feel cheated out of a big family but thinking about it, how can he miss what he's never had. The feeling cheated is me feeling like that, not him but that took me a long time to realise that.

I guess I feel sad that he'll never have the Christmas memories that I have, but I make the best of it, give him the best Christmas i can and then when he's older and has his own family jr can create his own Christmas memories.