Page 2 | Onlies at Xmas (no cousins)

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 2022-12-25T23:15:33+00:00

Hi all Any parents with one child feeling ravaged with guilt at Christmas? I have an only (DS 7) and I am an only. DH is from abroad and so no contacts in UK. I was a happy only growing up but had cousins (although big age gap) and grew up on an estate where I was really close to neighbour's kids and they would often come to ours for Christmas day to play. DS never complains about lack of siblings and seems to have had a fab day but deep down I just feel incredibly rubbish about it all. Would love to hear from others in a similar situation so I don't feel it's just us :(

LunaNova · 26/12/2022 08:47

I can kind of share my experience from both sides of the coin. I'm the youngest of three but my DBs are 13 and 9 years older than me so for much of my childhood I was basically an only.

I watch videos of Christmas when I was 2/3 when my younger DB was still into Christmas and I can say it looked like fun chaos, he was constantly playing with me and helping me. By the time I was 6/7 (and have actual memories of Christmas) both my DBs couldn't have been less interested in their teenage angst, and I can't actual remember them partaking in Christmas festivities at all until I was around 12.

I still loved Christmas time and it never detracted from my enjoyment of the day, I got to play with my toys in peace, have the tv to myself if I wanted to play a new console, my parents had time to set things up for me that needed their involvement. It was great!

For the record we now have an only and while I do have DBs and my DD does technically have cousins they are 18 years older than her so never likely to the same kind of relationship. I'm confident that my DD will still have great Christmas times every year 😃

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 09:20

I'm the only child of an only child, so no siblings or cousins and always been happy with that. I never had a desire to have siblings and wouldn't have wanted my parents to have another child based solely on the fact they didn't want me to be lonely.

The idea of a "big family Christmas" or "only children are lonely" is a social construct and not something people should let rule their lives.

MrsMAC1234 · 26/12/2022 09:33

Only child here and both parents only children.
I was always the only child at our small Christmas and loved it.

It seemed happier than Christmas now with the constant arguing of "no that's mine " between my children.....

user1497207191 · 26/12/2022 09:46

@OrigamiOwls

The idea of a "big family Christmas" or "only children are lonely" is a social construct and not something people should let rule their lives.

Fully agree with that. It's certainly different, but not necessarily better or worse than a "traditional" setup.

My DS only saw OH and myself and OH's mother yesterday. A very quiet day. That's how it's been for a few years now. DS is an only child. My brother shows no interest in any of us and has no children. OH's sister shows no interest in him and her children life their own lives and show little interest in her, let alone us (they were both "troubled" teenagers in different ways).

We'd expected our DS and his cousins to be "close" to an extent, as whilst they were older, there wasn't much of an age difference, i.e. 2 & 4 years, but even when we went to their house for Xmas or birthdays etc., they'd basically ignore him or would be in their rooms (or out) with their friends. They didn't go to the same schools either, so there was no other contact, and they lived too far away to "pop around" between our houses.

We often have "the conversation" with DS about lack of a sibling, but he's not bothered. He knows he's missed out in some ways, but also that he's gained in others. He's not shy about complaining about lots of other things in life, so I believe him when he says he's not that bothered about being an only one and not having close-by cousins, but what he's never had, he doesn't know what he's missing!

I do think that what's more important is living close by - i.e. the cousins being able to visit eachother themselves, i.e. walking or cycling or whatever, or at least going to the same school. When the "connection" has to be pre-organised, including travel/lifts, etc., and often at "big" occasions like Xmas, birthdays, etc., the "cousins" just don't get time to themselves to do their own thing as it's dominated by the adults, so they can't just "sit and chill" as it were on their own, so it just doesn't work as well as it would if they were living on the next street and had their freedom.

Frazzled2207 · 26/12/2022 09:51

I’m an only, and only saw cousins very rarely, but now have 2 kids who have 2 cousins a similar age

Christmas now for me is chaos with my dh’s brothers, their children, various dogs and hangers on. I totally miss the calm Christmasses of my childhood!

Ineedcoffee2021 · 26/12/2022 10:44

We have an only by choice
I have a brother and my DH had 2, 1 passed a few weeks back
We also moved across the country away from all family

Until last year i hadnt spoken to my brother in over 15 years and even now we only do the standard merry christmas/happy birthday on FB (which reminds me, should message him)
My chosen sister, my best mate, we speak all the time

My DH was never close to the brother that passed and his other brother is well, a twat, more so since their dad passed last week.
Siblings are no guarantee of any good relationship

DD has a couple close mates here at new school and still speaks to a couple from her old one, they all spent parts of yesterday chatting and playing games online together as one group
Her cousins, while she loves 2 of them, 1 is much older and other much younger and that gap is noticeable now she almost a teen, one an adult and other still in primary school.
The other set from the passed brother, she cant stand, we have an escape plan if they too much when we head back for the funeral for DH dad

She hasnt once asked for a sibling and finds any extended time in a house with a few kids very draining. There will be no fight over inheritance once me and DH go, like what will happen with DH and his brother
Her friends love our place cos they can just be them, not have to entertain the younger ones or be quiet from 7pm cos younger in bed
She knows she gets things we could never do if she had a sibling on cost alone

Its all the shitty marketing of big family christmas and all the only child BS that floats about, even trotted out by family is what is feeding the guilt in majority of people

dottiedodah · 26/12/2022 14:08

Im an only of an only as well! Remember good Christmases growing up.Nan and Grandad basically co parented me.Used to stay over theirs and get spoilt rotten! My Cousin is quite a bit older than me so would see her as another Adult really.I honestly dont feel I missed out in this way at all

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 26/12/2022 16:14

Thanks everyone for sharing these heartwarming experiences! As a PP said; it doesn't help when all season we are surrounded by images of what a Christmas should look like! I also have friends that tell me "how sorry they are that DS has no siblings" and "how lonely it must be" etc....
The irony is...as an only myself...I am not lonely! So no idea why it gets to me so much.

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Jellyfish7 · 28/12/2022 21:57

just wanted to say reading these posts has cheered me up somewhat as I have worried about the Christmas period with our tiny family. We have a gorgeous daughter (soon will be 6), my OH is an only and my brother lives 300 miles away, so she rarely sees her cousins and they’ll never be close. I struggle with the mum guilt; some days I’m very down about it as despite 4 years of trying to have another we haven’t got anywhere 😞
We’re moving soon to a road with more children nearby to hopefully help our situation and I live in hope that one child families are on the rise. I’ve read they are but still see many with 2 and makes me feel short changed.
I also find the summer holidays hard as 6 weeks is a long time for an only who needs interaction with other kids! I do my best to arrange playdates and book activities. I know it won’t be forever as one day she’ll be an independent teenager doing her own thing.
Reassuring to know other mums out there have these concerns; it’s because we love them so much ❤️

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 28/12/2022 22:03

Jellyfish7 · 28/12/2022 21:57

just wanted to say reading these posts has cheered me up somewhat as I have worried about the Christmas period with our tiny family. We have a gorgeous daughter (soon will be 6), my OH is an only and my brother lives 300 miles away, so she rarely sees her cousins and they’ll never be close. I struggle with the mum guilt; some days I’m very down about it as despite 4 years of trying to have another we haven’t got anywhere 😞
We’re moving soon to a road with more children nearby to hopefully help our situation and I live in hope that one child families are on the rise. I’ve read they are but still see many with 2 and makes me feel short changed.
I also find the summer holidays hard as 6 weeks is a long time for an only who needs interaction with other kids! I do my best to arrange playdates and book activities. I know it won’t be forever as one day she’ll be an independent teenager doing her own thing.
Reassuring to know other mums out there have these concerns; it’s because we love them so much ❤️

Hi @Jellyfish7 glad the thread has helped you too :)
I can totally relate to Summer holidays too but better weather definitely helps with socialising more and there are also lots of Summer clubs which helps.

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ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 28/12/2022 23:47

Op on paper i had about 30 cousin's. Didn't know any of them.

I also had siblings, much older..

Being an only in that sense never bothered me .... I loved Xmas it was all I knew.
My favourite memories are of my parent's, my dd playing board games with me by the fire, the beautiful book's he brought me.
DM making the house look beautiful,her music....fun...

Ragwort · 28/12/2022 23:55

My only DS is 21 now and has never spent Christmas with anyone else his age until this year when there was a guest invited to a relative's house (coincidentally at the same Uni as DS !). But he has often said how much he's always enjoyed our Christmases and says that listening to his friends talking about their Christmas experiences they all sound loud, chaotic and exhausting ! We've been able to go on ski trips at Christmas which he absolutely loves.

lollipoprainbow · 29/12/2022 00:00

Yes absolutely. It's been a very difficult Christmas. Just me and my dd10 and her dad. No chaos, family, gifts etc no one her age to play with. She's autistic so that adds extra issues and she has no friends either so no one to message to share What she/they got for Christmas.

My friend posted a pic on Facebook of her son and daughter ice skating with their two elder half sisters all holding hands, it killed me.

thaegumathteth · 29/12/2022 00:36

Well OP I am youngest of 3 and have literally about 100 cousins as my mum is one of fourteen! I see my siblings exceptionally rarely and never for Xmas as we live all over the place and just aren't close. No big falling out we just aren't very similar.

Similarly cousins, I speak to a few on Facebook occasionally but never seen them at Christmas or anything.

My kids saw each other obviously and their grandma at Christmas but no massive 20 people all jovially sharing a turkey and tbh, I couldn't cope with that!

RobinRobinMouse · 29/12/2022 01:12

I have just one child, I never understand this argument as I can't see what a sibling could possibly add in terms of dd's happiness.

Original poster

SeasonsGreeeeetings · 29/12/2022 09:11

RobinRobinMouse · 29/12/2022 01:12

I have just one child, I never understand this argument as I can't see what a sibling could possibly add in terms of dd's happiness.

My husband feels the same as you...and he is one of 8! They're all abroad though and have little contact.

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QueefQueen80s · 29/12/2022 10:25

I had two because I knew mine wouldn't have cousins and the neighbour kids experience like I did. And I felt lonely enough even with all that too, as once I was inside the house I was still having all the family experiences alone.