Ruin DDs Christmas again? WWYD?

[RuinTheChristmas]

Her grandparents on her dad’s side at CEV, like really vunerable as in both completely shielded in both lockdowns, because of this the last time she saw them at Christmas was 2019, last year she had covid so didn’t even see her dad. Year before she saw her dad for an hour but he bought her back.

I have a dreadful cold – it’s not covid (I’ve LFTed) but I can’t get out of bed, have a dreadful cough and have lost my voice so there’s a good chance ExH will get here tomorrow and say it’s too much of a risk to his parents so he doesn’t want to take her or have her for Christmas.

I want to get in touch with him today to prewarn and let him make the choice so DD isn’t disappointed tomorrow when he turns up and says no.

But I feel hugely guilty. I was due to go to my grandparents for lunch but can’t risk it with them being in their 90s, my mums going to sort them out but it means another year with just me and DD.

Next contact is 14th January so almost 3 weeks away and she last saw her dad on 3rd December - he cancelled last weekend due to him being ill and contact in January always resumes late due to supposed Christmas contact and ExH not getting his shift pattern until a few weeks into the new year (he just does whatever they tell him until then).

WWYD? Let ExH know or just risk I feel and look better tomorrow?

If they're that CEV and you can't get out of bed, she can't go

Let him know today but unless he lives with his parents he really does need to prioritise his child, especially as he didn’t see her last year either!

I'd let him know today and let him decide.

@MrsWhites He does live with them, he took her out in the car somewhere in 2020 but they cam back after an hour.

Well that’s understandable then, I’d definitely let him know today then, try to minimise the upset to your DD.

will you ruin your dd Christmas though?
Being around that level of anxiety isn’t fun for a child. ( I say this very kindly as they have good reason to be anxious) From a child’s perspective it’s no fun though. If I were you given the age, frailty and living circumstances of all grandparents I would just plan for you and DD to have a lovely Christmas together every year. anything else is a bonus.

@Flossiemoss His parent's aren't old, one of them isn't even 50 yet, both me and ExH are still in our 20s (we had DD young)

Well this isn’t going to improve anytime soon!
plan for you and dd - they aren’t going to be doing Christmas.

If DD is well can she go and you stay at home? Bit miserable for you but if you are not feeling great a relaxing day might help

@stressbucket1 ExH won't take her if I'm ill I don't think.

Have messaged ExH to see what he says

Definitely tell him today. Hope you feel better soon.

Ah well I agree with PP. If they need to be that cautious then it might be best for ExH not to plan for Christmas day. It's not fair on DD because most likely every year will be the same. There are always bugs going round in winter, she has likely been exposed to a lot at school. Hope you get better soon and manage to have a nice time

Would your DD be able to go to your parents for a couple of hours?

I always spend Xmas with just me and my DD as we have no other family but if you’re not feeling well then it’s going to be hard for you to put on a brave face all day.

I think he should take her and not visit his parents.

Shes home on Christmas day with a sick parent. The other is healthy and should step up to make her day special.

@Cosycover He lives with his parents so has nowhere else to take her.

@Jingles0 My mum and dad aren't together anymore and my mum will now spend the day with her parents (my grandparents) in my absense, she was due to go to my sibling and spend the day with them, their DP and their ILs.

My dads not in the country at the moment.

@Jingles0 However I will see if my sibling can have DD if ExH doesn't, that's a good idea

You did the right thing. Could he not have some ad hoc time with her sooner than mid Jan and once everyone's well? Even if it's a bit last minute due to the unknown shifts?

God, I can’t imagine living like that. How Clinicaly vulnerable are we talking? Surely colds and whatnot are just a normal part of life.

If you can't get out of bed lovely you could have the flu, and it just nearly killed my Mummy.( a week on a ventilator ) The hospitals are like a war zone, and they are not escalating treatment for anybody deemed to be to vulnerable to recover from intensive care.( resources. ) So please don't feel to bad, you are being so caring and sensible. She will understand when older of she doesn't this year. Try and have a lovely day. Xx

Is there any way someone else could do the handover so he wouldn’t have to see you and therefore he won’t know you are ill? Like get her to run to the car but don’t engage? Not sure how old she is.

Before COVID would this have stopped her going there?

Unless they never, ever leave their house and your ex wears a bloody gas mask round the house this utterly bonkers!

@fortheloveofflowers Yes they do go out, they worked pre-covid (not sure now) and ExH definitely works as I get CM from him (and not a small amount either)

OP is unwell enough to be in bed as a (presumably) usually fit and well young woman. That’s not a bit of a cold or a sniffle. Unfortunately there are some really nasty viruses going round at the moment and someone who is CEV (so many reasons but eg transplant recipients, those on chemo, severe asthma or other respiratory disease) is very likely to be severely affected. ICUs are currently filling up with such patients.

OP get well soon. Unfortunately it’s looking like Christmas has to be delayed by a week or so. Maybe DD could visit at New Year and have a special day with them then? Get well soon.