Ruin DDs Christmas again? WWYD?

[RuinTheChristmas]

Her grandparents on her dad’s side at CEV, like really vunerable as in both completely shielded in both lockdowns, because of this the last time she saw them at Christmas was 2019, last year she had covid so didn’t even see her dad. Year before she saw her dad for an hour but he bought her back.

I have a dreadful cold – it’s not covid (I’ve LFTed) but I can’t get out of bed, have a dreadful cough and have lost my voice so there’s a good chance ExH will get here tomorrow and say it’s too much of a risk to his parents so he doesn’t want to take her or have her for Christmas.

I want to get in touch with him today to prewarn and let him make the choice so DD isn’t disappointed tomorrow when he turns up and says no.

But I feel hugely guilty. I was due to go to my grandparents for lunch but can’t risk it with them being in their 90s, my mums going to sort them out but it means another year with just me and DD.

Next contact is 14th January so almost 3 weeks away and she last saw her dad on 3rd December - he cancelled last weekend due to him being ill and contact in January always resumes late due to supposed Christmas contact and ExH not getting his shift pattern until a few weeks into the new year (he just does whatever they tell him until then).

WWYD? Let ExH know or just risk I feel and look better tomorrow?

How old is DD?

If you’re in bed - couldn’t he come and spend time with DD at yours - you could disinfect downstairs or leave some cleaner out for him when he arrives? Promise not to leave the bedroom?

So sorry, if he does say no can you have a cosy day at home with DD (a Christmas Movie in bed even) and then let her plan a day of celebrations for when you are better. Can Ex-H do the same - e.g. commit to take her ice skating or something wintery she enjoys?

Your ex should do Christmas for your child at your house. So she can at least see her dad but you’re not having to do everything as you’re too ill.

If you do have to cancel couldn't you let her see her dad earlier, ie as soon as everybody is well again? Understand there is a contact arrangement but isn't there any flexibility in this?

He should be looking after DD anyway if you're too ill to get out of bed. They can't cancel everytime you are ill. He is a parent, they have him living there, tough luck.

If they're really (both?) so vulnerable, they will have been vaccinated the appropriate number of times. If they're out and elsewhere, they can't keep making their GD sacrifice time with her dad.

My parents are a fair bit older with high blood pressure, COPD, heart issues and would not behave like that. They've had Covid and luckily were no more ill than the rest of us.

... And I realise that you don't even have Covid, but I think it's sent everyone a bit crazy and made people really selfish.

Adults onvtheir 40s so vulnerable thst they can't see thrir granddaughter? I have necer heard anything so batshit in my life.
It iszan excuse to be crap.

If you've tested negative with covid she's not ill herself - and has presumably given it to you and now is recovering/recovered - then I think it's a bit mad she can't see her grandparents.

If their son is working shifts, that means he's out dealing with the public every day, many of whom will actually have covid or worse illnesses. How do they ever expect to see their grandchild?

Or even if they don't want her there, your ex should still be able to show up and take her out somewhere for at least an outdoor hot chocolate, this is so sad for her.

How ‘clinically vulnerable’ (was this even a phrase before covid ffs?) can two people in their 40s be? If they worked and lived normal lives before covid then they’re being ridiculous. Germs are everywhere. Always have been, always will be. If they’re this anxious then surely seeing your daughter at any time of the year must be fraught with the same level of risk? Children are walking Petri dishes!

This sounds like a mental health rather than physical health issue to me - if they’re this anxious three years into covid they need to be seeing a doctor about their anxiety. Making their entire family change their plans and living arrangements constantly because of their own unfounded fears is both unreasonable and selfish. They need to sort themselves out. Plus their reasoning doesn’t even make sense - if your ex is living with them and going to work etc then he poses a constant risk to them they’re clearly willing to take - so why ban your daughter when your ex could have been in touch with plenty of ill people in the last week without knowing about it! Absolute nonsense.

I’m sorry OP. No real advice, just sympathy. What a frustrating situation. and what selfish grandparents. Hope you feel better soon x

Apologises for the delay in replying, after a sleep I feel loads better so was doing usual Christmas Eve stuff with DD then had to have another nap as I felt so tired!

No reply from ExH.

We split due to him being violent so I don't let him over my threshold, probably should of included that in my OP. He still now uses his shifts to try and control me - I never let him when he cancels last minute I just say "Ok thats fine" and when he suddenly can have her if I have plans I don't change them but do say "I have plans until about 2pm I'll let you know once we're home" and he sometimes comes to get her other times doesn't.

In response to how vunerable Ex-PILs are, they both have different reasons both have been mentioned on this thread.

Poor OP this is a shit dilemma to have.

I've had a v.similar virus + chest infection for a week & flu not long before that. You won't ruin your DD's Christmas, and it's possible that she might have it on the day. She'll be with someone who loves her, and protecting others she loves. Could they celebrate on Old Christmas (Jan 6), by which time you may be better? Some families celebrate both.

The anxiety of worrying if she'll pass it to family when there, and guilt if they do fall ill isn't worth it.

And no, in this situation there would be nothing for her to be guilty about, but it's a human tendency. And that's if you don't have an Ex or in-laws like mine, who would make a child feel responsible. Hopefully yours have more humanity.

Please stop making assumptions about people just on the basis of age. If they were asked to shield during the lockdowns (the criteria for this were much stricter than for being in a priority group for the vaccines), then they must have serious problems. It's perfectly possible for someone in their 40s (or indeed anyone, including children) to be CEV: I know someone who is so because of a stem cell transplant; others may be so because they are on chemo; organ transplant recipients; people with severe heart disease; even people with congenital disorders such as cystic fibrosis.

The fact that both parents are in this category does make me wonder if only one is truly CEV, and the other has to avoid infection due to being a carer for the other; but in any case, it's unfair to assume that they are just 'selfish' and giving way to 'unfounded fears' and 'absolute nonsense'.

I feel strongly about this, because I have always had certain (less severe) disabilities and medical problems, and when I was younger, people sometimes assumed that because of my age, I must be making things up or just being a nuisance and a spoilt brat. This caused me INFINITE agony; permanently damaged my confidence and mental health; and was far more painful than any number of ruined Christmases.

And yes, people can be exposed to illnesses through relatives who have been exposed to others without knowing it; but that is not a reason for not taking care to avoid known risks.

I do hope you're better soon! It won't ruin Christmas for your dd; she can have some gifts now, and have a proper celebration on New Year's Day, Old Christmas (as pp suggested) or any other suitable day.

Update ExH refused to take DD, she seemed to have an ok day despite me waking her up several times in the night with my cough so we were both worn out.

Mum bought round a dinner for us both, and sat with DD opening presents and making sure she ate her lunch while I had a nap mid afternoon which was lovely of her! My dinners sat in the fridge ready to heat up if/when I want it.

ExH has said he'll do Christmas 2.0 on 14th January, he can't guarentee any time before that.

DD is 8, so will likely remember this year.

The 14th of jan?! Fuck what a shit dad.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn Baring her school concert he hasn't seen her since 3rd December either so it'll be 6 weeks between contacts, hence why i feel so horribly guilty for DD that I was ill and the reason she couldn't go. He has his reasons, whatever they are I have to respect those even if I'm not happy about them.

You shouldnt feel guilty. It isnt your fault. Why is he, as an adult and a parent, not able to provide a home for him and his child anyway?