Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

MIL already trying to book us in for next year.

31 replies

SoddingSoda · 23/12/2022 15:36

MIL is difficult but DP handles her well.

This year we’re spending Xmas day with one lot of my family and Boxing Day at hers. We all live too far to split the day therefore we cannot do lunch with one lot and evening with the other side.

MIL has just cried to DP that she’s already missing him on Xmas day and she doesn’t feel like we care about her as we’re not ‘locking in’ plans for next Xmas.

We might decide to host next year, we might decide to go away, we might do anything next year but like hell am I making plans for next Xmas when this one isn’t even over?!

OP posts:
OwwwMuuuum · 23/12/2022 15:43

She’s not being an adult here is she. She sounds lonely and it’s making her controlling. Can you talk to her - would she accept that she’s unreasonable to even ask you about next Xmas? Is she on her own?

xmaslurgy · 23/12/2022 16:16

It's your DH'S turn to choose next year i'd just say that

Outoflineupsidedown · 23/12/2022 16:24

My mum last night was trying to get me to commit to coming to hers next year for Christmas.

Just politely make it clear that you won't be making plans for something that's over a year away and you want to enjoy and get over this Xmas before worrying about the next one.
Then change the subject

ButterflyOil · 23/12/2022 16:28

I suppose the kindest interpretation is when someone is sad something won’t happen it can be nice to think ‘oh well, it will happen next time’ - so she’s reassuring herself that she may not see her son and you this Xmas day but will next year.

But i’d still find it annoying.

Vargas · 23/12/2022 16:32

She's trying to control you. Politely resist.

LafayetteCwenchinglyMcQuaffen · 23/12/2022 16:45

I don't think she is being unreasonable here. We live far away from both sides of our family and we have always alternated Christmases. It's fair. You're with your family this year so I can see why she's upset that you won't commit to spending next Christmas with her.

Hbh17 · 23/12/2022 16:47

Book a holiday, ASAP!

itsgettingweird · 23/12/2022 16:54

I dont think she's being completely unreasonable.

However whether she's being too demanding or not - for me - depends on what you did last year and previous years.

If you've always alternated then she's probably just reassuring herself about next year.

However if you've spent more actual Xmas days with your family than hers it would explain her desire to secure next year.

LooLooLemon · 23/12/2022 17:06

We’ve had this already with in laws 🤦🏼‍♀️ It’s draining. I loved our Christmas 2020 with just DH and our lovely DC 😂

MeridianB · 23/12/2022 17:07

What’s the context? Does she live alone and have no one else to go to? Would she just like to see more of you both?

Or is this the latest in a long line of unreasonable demands and expectations?

Whatstherecipe · 23/12/2022 17:14

Having worked shifts for a lot of my life, and having a mum who did the same, I have always been happy to host or be hosted over the Christmas period...and couldn't give a flying fig which day it is.

My partner is coming to mine Christmas day, but not until he has had Christmas dinner at his mum's 🙄I suggested they could have their festive meal on Christmas Eve, have a lovely brunch together on Christmas Day and join me in the late afternoon/evening for dinner at mine. You'd have thought I'd suggested we eat the dog!

It's no problem, we'll have our Christmas meal together Boxing Day, but the outrage that I suggested change. My word!

SeasonFinale · 23/12/2022 17:15

I think she is probably just lonely and saying it's her turn next time because you are going to your family this year. Maybe she feels left out and sidelined because her DS always has to go to his wife's family

YellowHpok · 23/12/2022 17:18

I state every year that I can't possibly think about plans for Xmas until the October before. Shuts down any attempts to book in.

I've a friend who ALWAYS tried to book in the next meet up when we were half way through the current one. I found it so smothering and intense. I now have much better boundaries and will never be put on the spot like that. Felt horrible to do but some people just push it

SE13Mummy · 23/12/2022 17:19

It's OK for her to be disappointed she won't see you all on Christmas Day but it's also OK for you and DH to say you're not making plans for over a year away.

For years now, DH and I have spent Christmas Day mostly at home and visit parents at some point over the Christmas period. We've each got two siblings who are in alternate year arrangements with parents and in-laws so that would have been a lot of coordination required had we also gone down that route. Over the years, we've sometimes gone away, sometimes had parents here or sometimes shared Christmas with friends but because there's no pressure for Christmas Day to be the only one that counts for anything, it works.

Perhaps a similar certainty would help your MIL i.e. we're not going to commit to Christmas Day a year in advance but will definitely see you between 24th and 30th?

Lovetotravel123 · 23/12/2022 17:20

We find that alternating is the fairest way. It does mean that at this stage we don’t get to go away alone but that’s fine because one day, sadly, our parents and in-laws won’t be here.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 23/12/2022 17:41

You are seeing your family this year. Shouldn't you see her next year? She is just lonely maybe? Did you spend last christmas with MIL?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 23/12/2022 17:41

SeasonFinale · 23/12/2022 17:15

I think she is probably just lonely and saying it's her turn next time because you are going to your family this year. Maybe she feels left out and sidelined because her DS always has to go to his wife's family

Thats what I thought.

mynameiscalypso · 23/12/2022 17:46

My PILs do this too whenever we see my family at Christmas albeit they tend to wait to Boxing Day to lock us in for the next Christmas. It's very tedious.

Cruisebabe1 · 23/12/2022 17:51

SoddingSoda · 23/12/2022 15:36

MIL is difficult but DP handles her well.

This year we’re spending Xmas day with one lot of my family and Boxing Day at hers. We all live too far to split the day therefore we cannot do lunch with one lot and evening with the other side.

MIL has just cried to DP that she’s already missing him on Xmas day and she doesn’t feel like we care about her as we’re not ‘locking in’ plans for next Xmas.

We might decide to host next year, we might decide to go away, we might do anything next year but like hell am I making plans for next Xmas when this one isn’t even over?!

Yes I feel for you, my MIL was the same/ it seems panic sets in because they think that they will be left on their own .

GinIronic · 23/12/2022 17:53

This is why we always spend Christmas at home - just us. I hate the 'taking turns' and 'booking slots' for one day of the year. Once you start alternating any family event it becomes set in stone and difficult to break - which will eventually turn to resentment.

snowinthesticks · 23/12/2022 17:56

Seems a bit harsh not to alternate?
We alternated every year until DC were born then we hosted every year.
Our in laws and parents are all dead now so it's just us and DC. I expect DC will have to make those kind of decisions at some point but both are still single .

VHSyeah · 23/12/2022 18:00

Both our parents are split and remarried. So if we spend Christmas with one set - then 3 other sets tend to sob, guilt trip and manipulate.

We've had to start saying "no" to everyone due to this behaviour and its really sad. I'm sneaking off to see my mum tomorrow night for a cuppa.

But if anyone finds out there'll be hell up!

Ponderingwindow · 23/12/2022 18:02

I’d say dec 27th is generally a good day to make plans for the following year so she is only a bit premature.

Emanresu9 · 23/12/2022 18:04

Can you lot not put yourself in her shoes?

when my children are adults I hope people don’t say I’m “controlling” for asking if they’ll come to me next Xmas when they haven’t come to me this Xmas.

reply to your MIL that it’s your husbands turn to choose next year, because that’s the truth, and then he can decide if he sees her or goes away.

Ragwort · 23/12/2022 18:04

But you are seeing her this year ... just that it's Boxing Day not Christmas Day. Confused

One of the best things we did when we got married was not to get into any 'routine' about Christmas. Sometimes we hosted, sometimes we went to ILs, sometimes we went to my DPs, we volunteered, one Christmas we worked, we've been on holiday a few times, we've stayed home and done nothing. No expectations from anyone.

We are parents to an only DC and I am determined not to emotionally blackmail him into thinking he must always spend Christmas with us.