Feel ashamed and lonely

[Catterpillarwithconverse]

I like Christmas day as it's fun for my kids. But the run up to Christmas and New year's I hate because of lack of family. I have a lot of new friends since I've made an effort in the last year or so to make some but around Christmas I feel I can't initiate plans with them because they will be busy seeing their parents, their in laws and their extended family. I can't bear asking them to meet up and for them to say sorry I have to see grandma and the inlaws you know what it's like trying to see everyone.

I have my brother and my husbands half sister (who he's not close to) that's it. My parents and younger sibling moved abroad and my laws have died.

So at Christmas I have a lack of family and hardly see my friends I find it so difficult. Also my husband has a much better social life than me so he'll be out and about which is great for him but makes me green with envy.

Ugh I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Any tips to keep upbeat and make it nice for my kids. Thanks

You sound like me, my husband is at ANOTHER Christmas party this evening whilst I’m at home with the children, I’m a SAHM and it’s hard and lonely. I try to plan nice things I wouldn’t normally do with the children during the school holiday whilst DH is at work such as Christmas cinema visit, soft play Christmas parties …. It’s not as good and I’m on a tight budget but it’s nice to be out of the house and around other parents in the same boat even though I don’t know them.

I've had a night out with work. We have small family and will be seeing parents with my brother and his family on boxing day. That's our only social plans for Xmas, new year and my birthday which is next week. My dh has no family to speak of. My close friend said she was busy and didn't have time to see me before Xmas. Bit crappy for me too :(

I feel the same Op. DH has been to several Christmas events and I’ve been invited to precisely zero. I feel so sad when I see yet another friend posting photos on Facebook about their latest Christmas party/drinks etc and think why does no one invite me too?

No family locally for me and we had booked a hotel for 4 night to go and see my relatives from yesterday but DC has tested positive for Covid so we’ve had to cancel. It would have been the first time I’d seen them at Christmas in 8 years, and only the second time I’d seen them since Covid. I feel so flat and upset at this latest kick in the teeth.

It’s alright for DH going to these Christmas events, we’ll be hosting his friends and their families on Christmas Eve and then going to his DSis on Christmas Day and it’s just making me feel quite resentful and sad that I won’t see a single member of my family and I have so few friends. If it wasn’t for DC I would just cancel Christmas.

Thanks for your replies.

@Favouritefruits yeah I'm self employed so I have no colleagues. I really miss having a work do!!

@Mumof1andacat sorry you've not got much on.

@Strawblue it's so hard not to compare isn't it. I feel like I've got quite a few friends but nothing compared to DHs. He sees the friends he grew up with once a week and his work friends at least once a week too. I don't see anyone regularly like that.

I haven't got many friends that I'd see for child free time.

Well if any of you want to continue to chat this week feel free to pm me or check in in here.
What are you all upto today?

I remember when I was a sahm feeling sad that I didnt get a christmas party, and my close friends were all busy with work and any spare time they were visiting their family.

I then joined a local martial arts class and kind of jumped in with 2 feet and organised a christmas get together. I now organise one every year.

Christmas day is still a small affair usually, just DH and the kids.

Have you actually asked your friends if anyone is free for a cuppa? Doesnt need to be on xmas, anytime between now and the new year would be good. You might be surprised, one of them might just be desperate to escape their family for a bit.

I went to a wreath making workshop the other day and there were a couple of ladies on their own. Maybe something like that. I'd also ask friends out, even if it's just for a quick cuppa and a natter. Not all Christmas activities need to be big parties with booze and late nights

I feel the same so instead I put the question out like 'are you around next week?' - that way theres more chance of them being able to say a day thay works for them and accept.

I recently went on a wreath making workshop, there were a few single ladies there (as in didn't go with a friend), I'd also ask friends if they fancied a cuppa during the day, not all Christmas dos have to be big parties with lots of booze and late night.

There's no need to feel ashamed OP!

I have no family either, I'm an only child and both my parents and both grandparents have passed away.

I have a small circle of friends who I met through a hobby. Because of the hobby I'm also in a club which has a few social gatherings throughout the year, as well as at Christmas.

Is that something you could maybe consider going forward?

DH seems to fill up bits of his time popping in to see his parents or siblings.

If I hadn't started my hobby a few years ago I would probably be in your shoes too.

It makes me sad that people feel lonely, even more so at this time of year.

How old are your children OP? Have they got school/nursery friends? It might be worth saying to a couple of the mums that you are visiting this park or doing this elf trail and would any of them like to join you.

For next year, book activities/places to visit in advance. I love going to Christmas kids activities, and if you book a couple, either for you and the kids, or extend the invitation to their friends, then it's something to look forward to and break the days up a bit.

My parents and younger sibling moved abroad

Where? Because you say it as if you have no expectation of ever seeing them again. Were you close before they left? If you would like to see them is your husband aware of that? Are you making plans to visit them in the foreseeable future, or have them visit you? And in the meantime are you not able to speak regularly via video calls? (Obviously if you didn’t get on well then their distance is irrelevant.)

Tbh having a husband, children, a brother and several new friends doesn’t sound like the worst Christmas outcome. Not all of your friends will be spending every second with their extended families. Invite them for a drink and a mince pie at your home - see what happens.

We do Christmas crafts, baked and decorated a gingerbread house and plan to bake more Christmas biscuits and cookies for some of our lovely neighbours, watched a few Christmas movies, have a Christmas pop’ playlist which comes on most days, go shopping together…

We used to do the big family coming over thing but the kids told us it’s miserable for them because we’re frantically cleaning and cooking and get a little stressed and snappy. The guests get tipsy/ drunk and stay from noon till midnight. We listened and stopped.

No need to be ashamed. Not everyone has a big family gathering though. For some people itbis wonderful but for others an anticipated nightmare. Try to enjoy those who are around you. I would say it would be a good idea to casually suggestive coffee together with people. Some mates might be glad to get away from.the ,forced,joviality. Christmas day for one here,through choice. Holiday after though.

Grass isn't always greener, sometimes it's brown. Have a listen to Brown Grass by Gregory Porter. Take care.

Not a suggestive coffee- the mind boggles 🤣

The best way to do Christmas without many/any family members is to plan extremely well in advance (September) and organise your own parties. Don't rely on others as most are just too busy.

In my experience Friday evenings are always good very early December, and ask what Fridays in December that work for your friends as your having a little party so they can work around other commitments, and organise a party at your house with the dc as well, provide drinks, party food, music and games for the children. Most friends would love that kind of thing as their children are having fun as well, and they don't need to find a babysitter.

You can arrange a similar event with something like wreath making or cooking at your house with friends on a Thursday or Friday and drinks and supper? All late November and early December to avoid the Christmas crunch.

Invite the neighbours over and get to know them, post carol service always works well. Pop an invite into each house well in advance, with your details so they can confirm and a date to reply by. Nothing fancy, mulled wine and mince pies.

Join some hobbies and groups during the year, almost all of mine do something for Christmas.

Go to the local church services, get involved in voluntary work locally is lovely at Christmas and join in community based events.

It is possible to have a brilliant Christmas, you just need to organise it far in advance, consult everyone so you are not second guessing they are free. Be prepared for plenty of cancellations, as it is always sickness season, so invite more not less. Relax and enjoy it! It is not too late to organise a post Christmas something now.

I know what you mean FOMO is real , Some of these events are hours, my works do was rubbish, venue was awful and music terrible, would rather have saved my money and been cosy at home.
The best do I went to was my WI party , we are pretty young (well 40s upwards lol) maybe that might be something you could look into next year if there's a fun one near you? It's nice child free interesting activities too .
Another thing that's amazing for Christmas that you could do next year is join a choir, so many Christmas singing events and lovely people
But for this year, do the things you enjoy, get the food you like choose a couple of box sets or movies and have some crisp walks . Some of the people slaving over a stove cooking for ungrateful relatives they don't like would envy you

So sorry op. I'm in a similar boat. My mum died a few years ago at Christmas when she was still pretty young. My dad has a new partner who I don't really approve of (affair partner from when my mum was alive). They live in another country and I wouldn't see them anyway. My pils are at least in the same country and are lovely but are still working and are very involved with dh's sister's family, so we very rarely see them.

We don't have that many friends in this country either tbh! We moved here fairly recently and haven't made any friends who I would say we are close to, although we have nice colleagues and neighbours.

This sounds massively bleak, but it honestly isnt! The key is never to compare. I don't have a mum or dad around. That's life. It has taken me years to accept that I don't have the same things everyone else appears to have and I don't have what I did growing up with cousins, grandparents etc all nearby. I am very grateful for my DH and DCs and I am lucky to have them.

I remember when DCs were very little getting a bit irritated with unfriendly other mums who had all their family around. It occurred to me that they could afford to be frosty and had no need of new friends, so that was why. It was upsetting at the time but it has got better. Also I just think friendships look different after you have DCs. The best of pals I had at school and uni were so different as we saw so much of each other.

I also know some people who are single and even with other family around, they feel lonely and left out. So a lot of people feel they are missing out on key relationships.

Love the ideas to join a choir and the WI. Those things are right up my street! Thanks for those.

There's no harm in asking your friends, even if it's a cup of tea and chat.

My DH worked long hours when dds were young including all weekends and most of Christmas. I used to go to every free Christmas event, church events, get the train to New places to see the lights, go on walks, visit museums. I used to book soft play Christmas party, cheap cinema tickets, waited for cheap panto tickets etc. Basically we tried anything once if it was free or cheap enough!

Sometimes it felt lonely, but just getting out and chatting to other people made me feel better. And in some cases probably made them feel better too, you never know if that little old lady in the coffee shop on her own has family she's seeing or that you might be the only person she's spoken to that day.

My dds are 14 and 10 now, DH doesn't work all weekend now but does work long hours so the majority of the time it is just me and dds. But we have alot of fun and still try and get to as many free events as we can! This year we have last minute panto, ballet and matilda cinema tickets (£65 in total for the 3 of those events for 3 of us). I wanted to go up to London to see the lights (we usually go new years day as its fairly quiet up there!) But train strikes have prevented that this year 😔

Literally just to focus on the positives and they ARE positives - you have kids, that's wonderful. A lot of people would argue that Christmas is mainly about the children anyway, a lot of adults can take it or leave it. Positive mindset! 😄 x

OP, that does sound hard. But you really can try and see friends. Why not suggest a Christmas drink or a few of yuou getting together for a family carol service with Christmas cookies and hot chocolate for the kids at your house afterwards?

Can you book some proper Zoom catch ups with your family members - maybe a silly Christmas quiz and toast each other with champagne - something to feel connected to them and festive.

And make the most of get togethers with DH's lot. They are family too.

It's also pretty easy to get neighbours together for a drink - you could try that - something informal and festive.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in not having an extended family - it's just the luck of the draw.
And you'll see plenty of threads on here where people have an awful experience with families at Xmas.
Don't fall for the sentimental nonsense in TV commercials either!
I made a decision over 30 years ago that there would be "no relatives at Christmas" and I have never regretted it; Xmas has always been calm and quiet as a result. Just do some things you enjoy, and relax.

Can’t you just send a general invite to friends?
”would love a chance for an Xmas coffee/catch up if you/anyone has any free time?”

No need for shame. I can understand feeling lonely, I also feel lonely, kids grown up and DH and I have quite an insular relationship. I used to enjoy that as it felt like I had waited years for a break from kids, family etc but now I'm really bored! Could you get DC's to choose something each they'd enjoy doing with you, eg bake a cake, paint a picture altogether to frame + display.

Can you turn your thinking round to really enjoying the freedom you have without social engagements this year and start planning what you can do to create more ties. If you're a club person joining a group like WI sounds brilliant fun these days or volunteer somewhere and meet new people.

I'll be here during holidays so say hello!!!