Feel ashamed and lonely

[Catterpillarwithconverse]

I like Christmas day as it's fun for my kids. But the run up to Christmas and New year's I hate because of lack of family. I have a lot of new friends since I've made an effort in the last year or so to make some but around Christmas I feel I can't initiate plans with them because they will be busy seeing their parents, their in laws and their extended family. I can't bear asking them to meet up and for them to say sorry I have to see grandma and the inlaws you know what it's like trying to see everyone.

I have my brother and my husbands half sister (who he's not close to) that's it. My parents and younger sibling moved abroad and my laws have died.

So at Christmas I have a lack of family and hardly see my friends I find it so difficult. Also my husband has a much better social life than me so he'll be out and about which is great for him but makes me green with envy.

Ugh I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Any tips to keep upbeat and make it nice for my kids. Thanks

If it makes you feel better I don’t have parents I talk to or any relatives and no partner and pretty much just me and one friend who is going to have Xmas day with me otherwise I would be alone so cheer up. Also why can’t you go to parties with your husband and his friends if he has a big social event calendar

It happens sometimes; I can understand. One of my close friend has gone through all this and watching him made me feel sad.

If Christmas does one thing, it brings feelings up to the surface and emphasises them!

You've had lots of great practical advice and ideas.

My offering is to make a bit of time for yourself to feel the feelings you're trying to resist. Go for a walk somewhere you can be by yourself. And as you walk, just gently let the feelings and thoughts come up. Try not to push them away or explain or rationalise them - just notice how you're feeling.

Admit to yourself how you're feeling. There's no such thing as a 'wrong' emotion. You can wallow, mourn, be jealous, angry, heartbroken, whatever. Let the feelings come. They will come, you can just be with them, and you'll find that all by themselves, they will also change.

As you complete your walk, just notice how you are now feeling, if it's changed, and describe it for yourself.

Have a lovely xmas, OP.

But, you have friends, a brother, a husband and his some if the family.. lots of people don't even have that

This will be my 22nd Christmas on my own, besides when l was working, or maybe saw someone for an hour or two on the day.
I'm single, and the only family l have now is a cousin, 120 miles away. I couldn't go to my work 'do' because it was on a Saturday evening, and l'm contracted to work.
And l'm really upset, because l was meant to be going to my best friend in London for Christmas, with her family, and seeing my stepsons. I can't tell you how much l was looking forward to it.
But l've had this awful virus for a week, and if anything l feel worse than l did when it started. So it's looking like I'm on my own again. My lovely friend said this morning "I'm couriering your presents up to you today. Then if you're better, you can bring them with you (l'm meant to be travelling down with her brother after l finish work on Christmas Eve), if not, at least you've got your presents."
I don't feel ashamed about being on my own at all, OP, and nor should you. I haven't really liked Christmas for a long time, l lost both my parents very close to Christmas, one to suicide, and this is the first year in a very long time that l've actually looked forward to it.
Maybe see if you can enjoy the peace and quiet this year, OP, then see what you can do for next year so you don't feel so much on your own. Maybe make plans for early December, so at least you feel like you've done 'something'.
I really hope your Christmas is better than you expect. I'm sorry l can't suggest anything else you can do this later in the day x

OP these are just beliefs and you can challenge them and let go of the shame. I’ve no extended family to speak of either and I have experienced the shame around that but with really good input from a therapist I’ve learned to let go of all of that. I’m lucky though because I’ve always loved Christmas and that never stopped.

Christmas can be really hard if you don't have that extended network. Hope you can do something nice for yourself OP.

I wouldn't avoid asking friends to meet for fear of being rebuffed, December is a long month with almost five weekends in, there's very little reason you won't be able to schedule to see a friend if you're both flexible. A coffee or dropping by for a catch up for an hour, doesn't have to be onerous. I've got family to see but have also managed to have Christmas dinners with four separate groups of friends already in December plus coffees and catch ups and meeting up to do a bit of shopping etc.

If you're worried you could send a message phrasing it as 'hey! I hope you're well. It's such a busy time of year but I'd love to see you before the New Year if you're free at any point, let me know!'

You've left it a bit late obviously, would have been better earlier in the month!

Just a thought - if you’re self-employed, do you have clients you could give a small “do” for?

We're in the same boat, as I'm sure are many others. I'm no contact with my siblings. My mother died, and my father is disabled. Everyone else is dead or lives miles away. We've learned to enjoy our own company and not compare our lives with others. Yes it would be lovely to have bustling plans with extended family, but we don't. We normally use the run up to Xmas to put together food and presents for two local charities. That keeps us busy and the kids enjoy it. However that's changed this year due to financial constraints, we're not able to afford it this year.

I'm feeling the difference this year. I'm 19 weeks with my first and my husband is out drinking, smoking, partying, as are all of my friends. I cant so I'm feeling very lonely and out of the loop. Life is about to be so different and I already feel so separated from my friends and the lovely adult life I built for myself.

You've got to start looking at your glass as half-full instead of half empty. You've got a husband and children, many people haven't. Don't sit indoors seething with jealousy at everyone else's perfect festive season.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Those facebook photos of people having the best time aren't always painting a true picture. Work nights out nearly always result in someone getting really drunk, someone getting really angry, someone irritating everyone else - it's not all Christmas joy and magic.

I would concentrate on making lots of lovely Christmas plans involving your children, and invite their parents along so that afterwards you can have a mince pie and a glass of wine, if you are craving adult company.

We're such contrary creatures. I have loads of family living and I'm in contact with them and on good terms with them all, but am seeing none of them this Christmas and I've only just noticed while replying to this thread! I love my family and have had decades of get togethers but this year it's no one except DH, me and DC, and I am really looking forward to it.

I'm struggling to.
In fact it's my birthday today.

It's difficult, im staying st my parent house which means I'm not near my shed group or my freind who id be with today..there would be cake!!

I'm here to be with m and dad on Xmas day . But today my birthday they are off at a church do a party with fish and chips

I'm in a town where I know nobody and had a kfc alone for lunch!

Of course they will be napping when they get home then to full to justify going out for tea.

If I'd been at home alone I could have made something fun to do , eat ,ect but im feeling resentful and lonely.

Family is tough. Every year trying to decide if its more lonely to be here with them or be home without them.

Hugs to everyone struggling today xx

i don't have a lot of family or friends and i suppose i could be described as a free lancer, so no team nights or events (husband is busy with team nights out).

i'm an "only" child, husband is too. Divorced in-laws who never remarried and deceased parents, so no big family gatherings.

Christmas bank holidays are very quiet in our house and it does feel like we're the odd ones out.

We (me and 7 & 11 kids)had some plans to meet my friend and her kids for a coffee date yesterday but they cancelled at the last minute as the baby was "off".

We are meeting friends for brunch and a 'secco at the end of the week, so that will be nice.

Lots of walks, sitting cosy with cinnamon candles and hot chocolates while watching films.

@Babasghost happy birthday!! Thanks for sharing that

You've got to start looking at your glass as half-full instead of half empty. You've got a husband and children, many people haven't. Don't sit indoors seething with jealousy at everyone else's perfect festive season.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Those facebook photos of people having the best time aren't always painting a true picture. Work nights out nearly always result in someone getting really drunk, someone getting really angry, someone irritating everyone else - it's not all Christmas joy and magic.

I would concentrate on making lots of lovely Christmas plans involving your children, and invite their parents along so that afterwards you can have a mince pie and a glass of wine, if you are craving adult company.

Excellent post @PollyAmour

Your parents sound a bit selfish Baba. Although I suppose I don't really know them from Adam. Then again, if they aren't bothered about birthdays or don't think you are for some reason they won't make an effort. Funny how u said they went to a church do - don't know if they are big church people - I decided to try a friend's Bible study group after she invited me although im not very religious. I gave it a go out of interest and found them so unfriendly and full of themselves 😂 I've met nicer ppl on the street.

Thanks love.
I found it deeply hurtful.
I've travelled from Ireland to be with them for Xmas and they go out for the day on my birthday whilst I'm alone in their house!!

Families are difficult.
Hugs to everyone feeling lonely in their company!!

Xx

What a pair of nobs (sorry). Probably wanted make a big show at the church about what good Christians they are whilst forgetting the most important thing.... Ugh Christians like this boil my blood. x

Thanks lovely. Families are difficult!
Xmas us fraught!!

Just relax and enjoy your day. Its just another day will soon come and go.

You can't magic up family if you don't have any. Lots of ppl have families and they are estranged. Having family dosent mean happiness.

Why is your husband going to so many events without you? That seems odd to me. Usually spouses would be welcomed at any party and if not, why go?

@Desertbarncat they are not events, he just meets up with two sets of friends, all males. We can't both go as we've got the kids.

@Babasghost Merry Christmas anyway☃️ x