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Original poster

Visiting relative in hospital on Christmas Day.

37 replies

NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:14

Two days ago I found out one of my parent’s stay in a psychiatric hospital will be extended and they will be there on Christmas Day.
I was thinking of getting a taxi there (it’s just over an hour away) staying an hour while the taxi waits and then going home. This would be at about 2.30 after our Christmas lunch.
I am trying to work out if this is a good plan or is it unfair on my young adult DC and my DH. I could possibly ask my slightly older DC if she/he wants to join me but there is the risk my parent will be having a bad day and may not be nice to me/us.
I can afford the taxi.
My Christmas Eve is quite booked up
although I could possibly go in the morning but my parent is normally asleep all morning. It’s the same situation with boxing day.
What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Unicorn717 · 17/12/2022 15:21

If you want to go and are able to then why not. It will only be a few hours seeing a parent and the rest of the day will be how you would normally have it.

PoppyFleur · 17/12/2022 15:23

I’m so sorry your parent is unwell, however it sounds like they are in the right place. Instead of trying to see them, when potentially they may not be in the best shape for visitors, could you speak with their health care team and instead call them? Or even FaceTime?

Unicorn717 · 17/12/2022 15:25

Yes, a call or FaceTime could be another option? That way if they're okay to speak, everyone could speak if they want to?

silverclock222 · 17/12/2022 15:26

Sounds absolutely fine to me. Hope your parent gets better soon.

MolesOnPoles · 17/12/2022 15:28

Sounds good to me. Your parent deserves your time as much as anyone, and it sounds like you want to do it. FaceTiming isnt the same at all.

Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:30

call or FaceTime could be another option? That way if they're okay to speak, everyone could speak if they want to?
I hadn’t thought of a call , the ward are good and letting me speak to my parent.
My worry is if they are having a bad day then they will stay in bed all day where as I am quite good at encouraging them to get up and chat, hopefully open a present etc.

OP posts:
Unsureofitall · 17/12/2022 15:31

I would go to see them. At the end of the day, life happens. Your children are adults, so they should be understanding.

Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:34

The FaceTiming although a really good solution wouldn’t work in our case as would be a bit beyond my parent and maybe confuse them or annoy them. Plus I’d have to do a via member of staff’s phone or computer,

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2022 15:35

I think it sounds fine if you would like to, but it is also ok not to if it is too much.

Definitely ring to see how they are before leaving in case they are not having a good day and a visit wouldn't be helpful.

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/12/2022 15:35

I'm sorry that your parent is unwell.
Could I ask about why you want to visit on Christmas day? I mean, would it be an important visit for your parent? Do they currently enjoy and look forward and benefit from visits?
Would not going be detrimental to their recovery?
How does your parent feel about being in hospital over Christmas?
And how do your other family feel about you being away for the afternoon?
Would it be possible to go on Boxing Day or 27th?

EwDavid · 17/12/2022 15:37

Is there visiting allowed on Christmas Day? I used to be a MH nurse and due to staffing being run on a bit of a skeleton crew visits were never booked on Christmas Day itself. Might be worth just phoning the ward to check.

I hope your relative is being well cared for and gets better soon.

LosingTheWill2022 · 17/12/2022 15:38

Sorry, that was a barrage of questions. I was just trying to understand the big picture

Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:43

*I'm sorry that your parent is unwell.
Could I ask about why you want to visit on Christmas day? I mean, would it be an important visit for your parent? Do they currently enjoy and look forward and benefit from visits?
Would not going be detrimental to their recovery?
How does your parent feel about being in hospital over Christmas?

And how do your other family feel about you being away for the afternoon?
Would it be possible to go on Boxing Day or 27th?*

Good questions, I am trying to work out if the visit is actually more for me than for my parent.

They wouldn’t actually know it is Christmas Day and they don’t understand they are in hospital.
They very much enjoy my visits when I go although they don’t tell me to F off at the beginning but I ignore this and have a few tactics to coax my parent out of bed.

I would very much be allowed to visit at anytime but it’s gently discouraged over meal times.

I can’t go Boxing Day afternoon or Christmas Eve afternoon and they stay in bed all morning.

This isn’t an illness that will ever get better.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:45

I hope your relative is being well cared for and gets better soon

Thank you, they are receiving exceptional care, above and beyond anything I ever expected. I can’t thank the NHS enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 15:47

And how do your other family feel about you being away for the afternoon?
Thats the tricky bit of my plan, I think they already think my parent has taken enough of my time over the last few years which is true but then the thought of them possibly having a bad day on Christmas Day feels me with dread.

OP posts:
ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 17/12/2022 15:56

There is no right answer to this. You need to do what feels right for you.
And, yes, as an adult child, I cooked christmas dinner for the extended family (about a dozen people) at my Mother's house for 2 years so she could go visit her Mother. Go with your heart. The rest of your family should understand - and get your company for the rest of the long weekend.

Findyourneutralspace · 17/12/2022 16:01

I think it would be kind and I also think you may spend the day feeling bad if you don’t go.
Why not ask your family - my young adult DCs wouldn’t mind a bit and would want me to visit my parent at Christmas. It’s only a couple of hours out of the day.

TinaYouFatLard · 17/12/2022 16:04

If your parent doesn’t understand that it is a significant day I would focus my time on my DC and DH and have a lovely family day. Schedule a visit for as soon as possible after when you won’t feel conflicted.

FabFitFifties · 17/12/2022 16:05

Yes, I would do it, you family should understand - unless of course you've been running yourself ragged trying to please anyone and everyone, and they want you to have an easy day. If that's the case, and your parent hss nonidea it's christmas, a visit a few days after is fine too, and not worth feeling guilty about.

Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 16:07

Thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
LosingTheWill2022 · 17/12/2022 17:22

I am trying to work out if the visit is actually more for me than for my parent

They wouldn’t actually know it is Christmas Day and they don’t understand they are in hospital.

That was what I was wondering @NoelNoNoel

My mother had alzheimer's for many years so I may understand some of the complex emotions you are feeling.

Only you can decide what to do, but I do think it's helpful to acknowledge what motivates our actions. You know you will feel 'guilty' whatever you decide, which is hard. If one choice benefits your dc more than the other option benefits your dm/df then it really is ok to make that choice. It doesn't make you a bad daughter Flowers

lightlypoached · 17/12/2022 17:57

I did this with my dad when he was in a secure psychiatric unit.

We took a big plate of yummy food (cold turkey, cheese, salad, etc and he was delighted. He scoffed the lot.

It was lovely (if a bit upsetting) to see him and make his day special too.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 17/12/2022 18:04

DH and I will be borrowing a car so we can visit my mum on Christmas Day - she is in a nursing home with dementia. She will be aware that it is Christmas Day because of the celebrations all around her and it isn't impossible to visit - just awkward because we haven't got a car.

One thing stood out for me in your post. You said that you are getting your parent out of bed. Honestly, you are not responsible for that. If your relative does not know it is Christmas and you are able to speak on the phone I am sure that a phone call will be enough.

I'm not thinking of your adult DC, I am thinking of you. Maybe it is time you thought about what would make you happier?

SomethingOriginal2 · 17/12/2022 18:30

That sounds absolutely fine, I don't see why not at all

Original poster
NoelNoNoel · 17/12/2022 18:31

Thank you this is all very helpful.

*I did this with my dad when he was in a secure psychiatric unit.

We took a big plate of yummy food (cold turkey, cheese, salad, etc and he was delighted. He scoffed the lot*
My parent is in a secure psychiatric unit and was thinking of doing similar if I do visit. My parent never really eats the lunch and that is the main meal there so I was going to make a big Turkey and pickle sandwich as that is what we used to have when I was younger.

Lots to think about.

OP posts:
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