Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

Sick of constant changes and lack of consideration

30 replies

finalpunt · 16/12/2022 15:55

I really am struggling with the whole Christmas thing this year and know I only have myself to blame.

This was the plan:
DS his GF and LO were all going to her DM's this year. When they had DGS it was agreed that they would alternate from one year to next, did first year at ours so more than happy that they were going to there this year.

DSD her BF and 2 LO, always come to ours.

DSS lives with us so would be at ours anyway.

This week DS has let me know that they are now not able to go to GF DM as she has asked they they don't this year and swap tp next year,

DSD got herself a puppy 3 months ago and asked what they are doing (last couple of years they have stayed from xmas eve to boxing day). I said as they wouldn't be likely to stay now they have a dog that why don't they come xmas eve bring all pressies and stuff, stay for tea as usual and then we drop them back with kids stockings and when they wake up in morning open stockings and we can pick them up (as early as they want even 6am). This has not gone well at all. She is really pissed off that we won't let them and the dog stay and said the dog is only 3 months old and she can't leave it like that. I did say that she could go back mid morning to check on it and again mid afternoon. (They live 10 min walk and 2 min drive so really not a hardship). She finished the conversation with "well at least you will have DS will be here".

Last night DSS (18) told me she had been messaging him in day to say that as they had to go home he could just go with them and stay at theirs.

I am so fed up with all of them. I asked DS if he would be ok if she had dog with her but he isn't allowed to bring his dog so quite rightly was not impressed.

DH said no to dog because ours has to stay locked in our room whilst they are here. He also think it is ridiculous that they all live so close but are wanting to stay anyway (we have a 3 bed semi and the 3rd room is literally a box room).

DSS is now unhappy with us because his Dsis isn't stay or DS but knows I am not happy at the thought of him not being here and going to stay at hers.

Part of me (the bitter and childish part) thinks that she is trying to get him to stay at hers to punish us because she can't stay here. I also feel that she is trying to put a bit of a them and us divide.

I am angry at all of them and hurt by all of them. I feel that they are all putting me in a difficult situation that I can not win.

DS because they changed plans last minute ( and I prob would have given in and let her have the dog at ours if he wasn't go to be there to know - this is why I know I am to blame)

DSD because she is entitled - again totally our fault but has also had it so tough over the last few years that my heart breaks for her sometimes, she has to be navigated around as she suffers with very bad mental health and struggles to process. That said she is not beyond using the kids to emotionally blackmail us if it suits.

DSS - just because at this point

DH - because he says he is just going wit the flow but he isn't really he just doesn't want the blame for any of it.

I don't know now who is actually coming when and what the hell is going on - dh says this is fine but he literally does nothing to do with the food so doesn't think about me trying to plan who the hell I am doing food for and when.

I have had a really shit last 3 years and this year has been particularly shit. I am in a new role which is meant to be 40 hours but I am in work for 8.30 and not getting home until 7, Mon to Fri (but only get paid for 40 hours as they don't believe in overtime but you have to get the job cleared sort of industry).

Previously Me and DH used to always spend Xmas with my family and we haven't done this now for last 3 years because DSD wanted to be at our with the kids - I really miss seeing them at Christmas and wish I could just go spend the day with them.

Please help me get this into perspective. It is just 1 day, I know this. I also know I should adopt the attitude that we are at home and will be happy to host or not and will have a good chilled couple of days regardless. I also know that compared to what a lot of people are going through this really is a 1st world problem.

(Disclaimer - I do love them all really and DSD has had it so tough over the last few years that my heart breaks for her sometimes, she has to be navigated around as she suffers with very bad mental health and struggles to process so whilst I say entitled

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 16/12/2022 19:35

I think that you should say to all of them, that you are exhausted with your new role at work, everyone in the family is changing what they want to do right, left and centre, and as you can’t please everyone it seems, you think it would be best if they all sort themselves out for Christmas day because you will not be hosting and no-one will be staying overnight.

Then get some ready to shove in the oven Christmas dinner items for you and DH, and just relax on the day.

Or if it’s possible at this stage, could you go to your family for Christmas day?

It strikes me that you are being taken advantage of here and it’s time all your various DC and SDC need to step up and sort themselves out. When do they cook for you, spoil you? And why are they so unable to do a ten minute walk home, that they need to stay the night? But then if they were doing their own Christmasses in their own homes, they wouldn’t need to walk anywhere!

Zodiacsigns · 17/12/2022 05:11

Go see your family if that's what you want to do. It's your Christmas day too. You don't have to facilitate everyone else's wishes.

Wanting to stay over when you live round the corner is ridiculous, wanting to stay over with a dog is a total piss take even if you didn't have a dog of your own. Your poor dog shouldn't be second best to visiting dogs, it's his home too, he should be able to use it not be shut in a room away from the family who are his pack and visiting dogs just shouldn't come.

Their issues with not being able to leave a young dog for long is their problem, not yours to solve. Maybe they need reminding of this. They should have thought about how their lives would need to change to accommodate the dog before purchasing it.

Agree with you about your DH I'd be angry too. So if he's leaving you to make the decisions turn it to your advantage and do what best suits you. Contact your family and make arrangements, it's not too late. If they've not enough food you can bring some and you needn't stay for ages if they've other plans. Go have a nice dinner with them.

Tell the others you'll see them Christmas Eve, earlier/ later on Christmas day or Boxing Day, if you're not staying over with your family. They've all got a massive sense of entitlement. Stop tiptoe round them too much (re: MH) and asking their permission for what you can do in your own home (re: other dog staying).

You need to be more assertive about your own needs, they're just as valid as other people's. You don't have to put yourself last all the time.

I've done it differently this year and I felt instant relief when I made the decision. It's only one day but for some of us it's an important one. I can tolerate their nonsense the other 364 days of the year but not having a nice Christmas day really upsets me.

NewIdeasToday · 17/12/2022 05:57

Christmas is meant to be fun. I don’t see why you’re making it all so complicated.

Can you just say everyone is welcome but dogs aren’t. And let them make their own detailed plans around that?

panko · 17/12/2022 06:09

Seriously I'd breakdown in tears with all that stress. Just reading it was stressful!

hattie43 · 17/12/2022 06:15

Jeez I couldn't get through that thread. So busy with all these different people .
Throw the doors open and whoever is there is there .

panko · 17/12/2022 06:19

Next year see your family. Yolo

MiddleParking · 17/12/2022 06:21

Last night DSS (18) told me she had been messaging him in day to say that as they had to go home he could just go with them and stay at theirs

Could your response to this not be “okay then”? I mean, if she’s old enough to have two kids and a dog I think hosting her brother should be a viable option rather than a threat. If the problem with that is that DH will want to be with them I’d send him off there too - he’s going with the flow isn’t he? Then you can either have Christmas at yours with your DS, DIL and grandchild, or all four of you can go and spend it with your other family.

loudbatperson · 17/12/2022 06:29

If your family are able to have you join I would just do that.

If not, I then lay out some basic rules (such as no dogs) and let people know they sort their own issues out. Say they have let you know by Sunday if they are coming or not. Your DH is included in that rule too.

Next year just go to your family, or on holiday, etc. have a totally selfish year.

Iwanttoslowdown · 17/12/2022 06:40

I’m sorry ur going thru this and you are wildly unsupported by everyone. Everyone is thinking of themselves. Also the dog thing - I don’t get it - it’s just like everyone expects you to come up with a solution to an impossible situation. And then ur work is exhausting too. So now that we know in depth about what everyone else wants - what do you want this year? And what if you for once acted a lot bit more - what’s your word for it- entitled?

Shemovesshemoves21 · 17/12/2022 06:49

At this point I think you've got two options:

  1. Send the same text to all kids and say they're welcome, but dogs stay home and let them decide when they come to yours and how long they stay.
  1. Sent the same same text to all lids to say you've decided not to host Christmas this year and you'll see them on X date to give gifts/see the GC

Honestly, you sound like you've got yourself in a right muddle with it all trying to set boundaries (with the dogs) but also bending over backwards to make sure your DS, DSS and DSD have the easiest day possible with you. You've had a stressful time, think about what YOU would like to do for Christmas and do it. If your husband is so chill, he obviously won't care a jot (and I'd remind him of this!).

emmetgirl · 17/12/2022 06:51

This scenario is one of the reasons I don't do Xmas.

autienotnaughty · 17/12/2022 07:12

They are all pains in the arse. I would message ds and dsd and speak to dss say "been a lot of back and forth over who's coming and obviously I need to plan food. Can you let me know by Xdate." Then based on response either host or go
else where. It's also fine to say no to dogs. My ils let their dd dog go as she's a elderly quiet little dog. Our huge bouncy young lab is a no!!

NoSquirrels · 17/12/2022 07:27

DH said no to dog because ours has to stay locked in our room whilst they are here. He also think it is ridiculous that they all live so close but are wanting to stay anyway (we have a 3 bed semi and the 3rd room is literally a box room).

He needs to step up and have the conversations with his DC.

You need to tell DS and his GF that last minute changes cause loads of issues, and while you’re delighted to have them for Christmas it’s not fair to chop and change in future.

gamerchick · 17/12/2022 07:33

OP, they're behaving like this because you let them. Stop being so understanding and tempted to give in all over the shop.

Tell your bloke you're going to visit family and the whole Christmas thing is all for him to sort. Going with the flow indeed. Might give them all a shock up the bumhole that you're not putting up with it.

SingaporeSlinky · 17/12/2022 07:58

I think I would do a group message to everyone to suggest everyone does Christmas Eve and morning at their own homes, to save carting presents back and forth. Everyone is welcome for Christmas lunch, but no dogs, that’s their responsibility. Then you’ve only got them for the actual day, not hosting multiple families that live so close anyway.

SomethingOriginal2 · 17/12/2022 08:04

So DS is coming to stay at yours?
Let DSD walk to and fro her house as much as she needs re looking after the dog. She doesn't need to sleep over, they live a 10 minute walk, they csn still drink if they want. Could she leave the kids for sleepover?
If DSS wants to go sleep at his sisters I think you should encourage that, sibling relationships are important. It would be nice bonding time for them.

So DS sleeps over.
Everyone has dinner at yours.
Grandkids sleep over. Step kids got to DSDs.

Next year go to your family

MichelleScarn · 17/12/2022 08:11

How far away does ds live? Does he need to stay over?
I know you say dsd has had a bad time but that just means she should be treated with empathy, not allowed to control and dictate things, especially when it reads like she's having a strop because things aren't going her way. Mainly WHY IS ALL THIS ON YOU?!!

Emotionalsupportviper · 17/12/2022 09:07

girlywhirly · 16/12/2022 19:35

I think that you should say to all of them, that you are exhausted with your new role at work, everyone in the family is changing what they want to do right, left and centre, and as you can’t please everyone it seems, you think it would be best if they all sort themselves out for Christmas day because you will not be hosting and no-one will be staying overnight.

Then get some ready to shove in the oven Christmas dinner items for you and DH, and just relax on the day.

Or if it’s possible at this stage, could you go to your family for Christmas day?

It strikes me that you are being taken advantage of here and it’s time all your various DC and SDC need to step up and sort themselves out. When do they cook for you, spoil you? And why are they so unable to do a ten minute walk home, that they need to stay the night? But then if they were doing their own Christmasses in their own homes, they wouldn’t need to walk anywhere!

I was going to say similar, but not so diplomatically.

Tell them all to do what he hell they like - you won't be hosting because you are sick of the drama.

Go and see your family if you can.

Let the others get on with it.

Mehmeh22 · 17/12/2022 09:17

Not hosting this year is probably best. Not in a flouncy way but just explain it's causing you a lot of stress and you feel you're upsetting everyone

FourChimneys · 17/12/2022 09:30

This sort of situation makes me so glad that we have given up doing Christmas. All this fuss over one day (which isn't even the anniversary of when a particular baby was born). Christmas has always been a bad experience for so many women.

OP, just tell them it is too much hassle. Anyone who wants can come for an hour. Next year, make your plans to see your family or book a holiday well in advance and tell them all. Don't be a festive doormat, you are no less important than everyone else.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 17/12/2022 09:34

Go see your family. Leave dh to cater for the shit show..

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 17/12/2022 09:34

Oh and yabvu to shut your ddog away for any of them.

OneforBertie762 · 17/12/2022 09:38

Op you sound lovely but I think you are being too accommodating. I'd invite them all (without dogs) for a cup of tea tomorrow and say you wanted to tell them face-to-face that, owing to the fact that you have had a really tough three years, and that you are finding all the chopping and changing over Christmas arrangements very stressful, and that everyone seems to be have forgotten that invitations are extended with the best intentions and not as catalysts for everyone to squabble and take advantage, that they will have to fend for themselves this year because you will now be going away and spending Christmas with your family.

happinessischocolate · 17/12/2022 09:42

MiddleParking · 17/12/2022 06:21

Last night DSS (18) told me she had been messaging him in day to say that as they had to go home he could just go with them and stay at theirs

Could your response to this not be “okay then”? I mean, if she’s old enough to have two kids and a dog I think hosting her brother should be a viable option rather than a threat. If the problem with that is that DH will want to be with them I’d send him off there too - he’s going with the flow isn’t he? Then you can either have Christmas at yours with your DS, DIL and grandchild, or all four of you can go and spend it with your other family.

Exactly this

They have a puppy so are better off staying at home doing their own Christmas dinner. Your only question now is does DH want to go to his daughters or come see your family with you.

Original poster
finalpunt · 21/12/2022 17:28

Thanks everyone and sorry I didn't return earlier. It has been a tough week.

To answer a few questions DSS lives with us - that is why he stays at ours, DSD could host him but talking to him about it over the last few days he says he feels he has been put in a shit situation, he wants to be with us but feels like he would have to say yes to his Dsis because he would feel bad. Told him if that is really what he wanted it is ok but he says it isn't.

DH - if I went to my family he would come, he thinks saying he goes with the flow gets him out of being the bad person with everyone but actually just pissed me off.

As it turns out, after me having a go at him about it he spoke to my DS (it is the two of them that were so anti the dog) and they agreed that whilst it isn't great the dog can come. Since then it turns out they are all slepping.

Honestly whilst I am not thrilled at the adult children having to stay whist so close and when there are so many of them at least I know who will be where and get to see all the grandchildren. I have told them all that this is absolutely the last year they are stopping over.

Yes I know I am a doormat and this is why I have myself to blame but thanks everyone.

OP posts: