Gift for terminal FIL

[Onebabyandamadcat]

My DFIL is very ill with a brain tumour. It is terminal and it's looking like he only has weeks left (if that). I've put off and put off buying his Christmas present as it's too upsetting - his tumour was discovered in July when he had a numb pinkie and he's gone from a very active, health man to an utter shell who is paralysed, losing his eye sight, struggling to swallow and starting to become confused.

It was his birthday at the end of November and we got him a blanket with pictures of him and DD (the utter apple of his eye) on it.

Now it's Christmas next week and I still haven't bought a single thing. Does anyone have any suggestions?

I've also got DMIL to buy for too and have no idea - what do you get someone whose world is totally shook up and doesn't have any hobbies beyond going out and about with DFIL?

It's a hard question, and I'm sorry for your family's imminent loss.

Have you talked about this with your OH? They are his/her parents, after all!

For your FIL -- any luscious soft edible treats? You say he'sstruggling to swallow, so something he can suck? I'm thinking rich chocolate truffles, expensive fruit jellies - something like that? Or does he like spirits - a bottle of his favourite whisky for example? (apols if you're from a non-drinking background). Or something he adores the smell of, that can go on a hankie for him to enjoy?

Re your MIL - she probably isn't going to feel much like opening pressies. Can you do her a "voucher" promising to be there in the months to come for any practical help? (that sounds totally naff but I don't hnk I'm phrasing it v well)

I’m so sorry.
When my DGM was in a hospice, we had a star named for her starlistings.co.uk

Blanket is a fantastic idea for birthday.....(Depends on how bad the swallowing is for this one but) a voucher for an at home picnic in the days after Christmas. Take round nice soups and soft easy-to-swallow foods and create a luxury picnic for him and MIL (you could also include yourselves). Would be a nice memory for everyone. You could also maybe watch a film together (eyesight permitting) or listen to a carol concert while you eat.

Some nice new pyjamas for him maybe. Some audio books on something he enjoyed. Or an afternoon off for MIL while DH bonds with his dad. He could stay with his dad (and listen to a book, sport or a concert together) and you could take MIL out for the afternoon with the DC for lunch. Give her a bit of normality and breathing room and also allow DH to be with his dad.

So sorry your family is going through this and prayers are with you.

Thanks for the suggestions. Yes I've spoken with DH about it - we're both wracking our brains it's just so hard. Will look into some of these - something he can suck is a good idea. Unfortunately they don't drink that much (and he's refusing to take painkillers and drink which is a whole other story about acceptance and the two of them not being able to realise what stage we're at) so whiskey is out.

Does he have anything like an Alexa echo dot? He might like to be able to listen to music, get the news etc- and and maybe an Audible subscription alongside so he can have books read to him through it?

I’m so sorry x

Some of his favourite music and a way to play it in his room? Or a radio? Just trying to think of something to make his room a bit nicer for him.

I'd suggest a lovely photo of your family to go by his bed. An electric razor if he usually wet shaves.
Also a bell to summon people if he needs them?
I'm trying to recall what my dad needed in his final days,and those were all useful. What my DDad wanted more than anything was human company even if you were just sat there reading bits out of the newspaper to him.

Good luck with it all, it's an awful time which must be even harder knowing it's likely the final Christmas with him xx

I'm so sorry about your father in law.

What about bed socks - wool or even cashmere. As people get towards end of life their ciculation is very poor - and a bit of luxury on the feet is a nice comfort. (As is also creams to rub into feet and legs)

Also a book recommendation for you - With the end in mind by Kathryn Mannix. Fabulous book about end of life and what to expect - really helped me when a close friend was in the end stages of an illness.

Massage mat, music, get everyone to write down they're memories of him and do a video of them. Gifts don't always have to be bought. How about a trip to centre parks so your daughter has some nice last memories of him if he's able to travel?

A thought for your MIL, if she is a letter writer a selection of stationery e.g. notelets, writing paper etc. One of the things that helped my Mum in the first few weeks after my Dad died was writing to everyone who sent cards etc.

A lovely dressing gown / robe and some PJs, perhaps some cashmere socks. A DAB radio. A subscription to Audible or make a playlist of favourite music. A down topper for his bed or a sheepskin to sit / lie on if he is getting thin or not moving around much.

If he’s struggling to drink, there are hydration jelly sweets that have been made for dementia patients. Doesn’t help on the gift front but may help him to stay hydrated.

www.jellydrops.com/?gclid=CjwKCAiAy_CcBhBeEiwAcoMRHNTja59HkK8QKnk3JHHM5bX_FqDxwe1L2bl4FWTfWl8TSIUmVayDWxoCMLYQAvD_BwE

Jelly sweets, a smaller travel mug, some cream for his hands and lavender pillow mist. Fancy cordials.A v shaped pillow. Digital photo frames are nice , as is the music of one’s youth, find out from mil what he liked, dont guess, would be awful if it was the stuff he loathed.
But all that stuff falls away in the last days, what will matter is holding his hand and promising him you will look after his wife. I hope it goes well.

I’m so sorry to hear this. We lost my dad a few months ago to cancer. Toward the end he couldn’t stand noise or the tv etc. he couldn’t really eat either, the last few weeks were the toughest. One of the gifts I got him was a digital photo frame that had photos on a loop. That way she could always look at different pictures cycling through of all his family when he was awake.

This might sound a bit odd but maybe find out if the perfume his mother wore or the soap his father used is still available and get some of that. If I was dying all I'd want would be my mum and dad and scent can be very evocative and comforting.

I'm so sorry.
My Dad died from a brain tumour 3 months ago.
Things I'd recommend:
Soft, comfortable pyjamas, easy on and off is a bonus. Depending on treatment options weight can go drastically up or down (dad's went up with steroids) so a size up makes getting on and off much easier.
Also soft T-shirts that he could wear as pyjamas but that looked more like clothes for when company popped in to see him. We bought my Dad some T-shirts of his favourite bands.
Flavoured lip balm - when he was past the stage of eating or even drinking anything we'd put on some to soothe dry lips. Some of his favourite flavours (grapefruit, apple, whisky!) elicited a smile even after he became almost completely unresponsive.
The photo blanket was a perfect idea.
I'd also recommend a Skylight digital frame - you and other family members can upload photos to it remotely and instantly (from anywhere) so he can get new photos daily (and nice for mil in future too)
Sending strength and love to you all

Do you have any pictures of him with your family/DC? If so, could you get one framed for him? That way, it’s also something nice for MIL to keep once he’s no longer there.

For DMIL or FiL
A lavender pillow or pillow spray
Cashmere bed socks
Cashmere or lovely fleecy dressing gown
Bath salts /gel - m&s have some lovely spa scents
Cook ready meals for the freezer
Cleaner or laundry service
Puzzle books
Alexa dot is a great idea.

FIL music of some description echo dot / google nest / apple equivalent
A music subscription youtube music / apple / amazon / Spotify.

MIL Spa voucher take her to a spa for a day out a day to focus on her.

I am sorry you are all going through this.

If he likes music maybe a record player and some records? Records just sound different, especially if he used to listen to them when younger. It can be a joint gift that your MIL can use after he passes and remember his last however long he was able to listen with her.

Poor man - very sad situation. What about a large canvas picture of DD and him together - would he still be able to see that? It may bring him comfort.

#yousee that's a lovely idea, I'd be the same.

Could you project photos on a wall so he can watch them?.

Photo book of him with children/grandchildren.
He can see it, be reminded of how much he loved and is loved; of the memories he will leave. He can take comfort in the book being passed on after his death.

How old is your DD? Could you make a recording of her reading aloud her favourite bedtime stories or talking about her favourite things that he could listen to?

Also echo the suggestion of an Alexa or similar device that can project images. A very dear friend passed away in a local hospice a couple of weeks ago - every room there had a device similar to this - www.amazon.co.uk/Immver-Projector-Compatible-Assistant-Dimmable/dp/B09XCDW1WC/ref=asc_df_B09XCDW1WC/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=570429857219&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12057560567431914690&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007237&hvtargid=pla-1663090816215&psc=1, which I think is compatible with Google and Alexa, which projects stars and water-effects onto the ceiling.

Something pampering for DMIL, maybe a spa or city break for the spring?

I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. I know that no words are ever enough to comfort, but sending you love anyway. x