Splitting Christmas with ex!

Justmebeingme22 · 2022-12-15T22:52:45+00:00

I am getting myself in a bit of a mess and I know I’ve left it very late but I just have no idea how to approach this so I automatically avoid! It is not helpful! I have an 8 year old with my ex, horrid relationship in the end we don’t get along well! I usually have our child Christmas Eve then drop her to him late afternoon Christmas Day and have done for years (even when we were together I’d travel and take us to his family 40 min drive so over 1 hour 30 round trip) mostly because he didn’t drive. I have a new partner now and we have a new baby and I’m just confused how to make it all work. I really don’t want to be driving 1 hour 30 on Christmas Day with baby (who is exclusively breastfed) Selfishly I want to keep her but obviously that’s not an option but I really can’t think how to make it fair and make sure she doesn’t miss out. It’s driving me mad, if I speak to her about it she wants to do everything and has a brilliant relationship with both dad and I she’s very loved. I just want the best for her but also want to be fair.

Lolalovesroses · 15/12/2022 22:54

Can your new partner drive your daughter to him?

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 22:57

Lolalovesroses · 15/12/2022 22:54

Can your new partner drive your daughter to him?

Unfortunately not. I would be ok with this as would partner. Ex has issue with partner and made it very clear (childish I know)

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TidyDancer · 15/12/2022 22:58

Lolalovesroses · 15/12/2022 22:54

Can your new partner drive your daughter to him?

Yes this was my thought as well. I think this is the only real option unless you think your ex would pick her up from you. It doesn't sound like you have the kind of relationship where he would do something to help you though.

HyggeandTea · 15/12/2022 22:58

Although I appreciate you don't get on, there is nothing to stop you both communicating properly.
Could you have a simple conversation?
"DD is looking forward to seeing you over Christmas. The drive to drop her off is too much for me with new baby. Can you think of a solution to help ?"

SNWannabe · 15/12/2022 22:58

Why doesn’t your ex drive? It’s surely up to him as an adult to arrange the collection of his own child? And if he can’t or won’t then she stays with you.
Why on earth would your new partner be expected to leave you and your baby on xmas day to deliver her? I disagree with @Lolalovesroses - that’s NOT on him.

Offer the same deal as always time-wise but he can arrange the transport himself.

TidyDancer · 15/12/2022 22:59

X-post. Could he just drop her outside and stay in the car? What is your ex's issue with this?

frostymoon · 15/12/2022 23:00

Maybe it’s time to have a new arrangement so no one drives Xmas day.

Alternate it, this is what we do. Xmas eve night until Boxing Day morning. Swap each year.

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 23:04

HyggeandTea · 15/12/2022 22:58

Although I appreciate you don't get on, there is nothing to stop you both communicating properly.
Could you have a simple conversation?
"DD is looking forward to seeing you over Christmas. The drive to drop her off is too much for me with new baby. Can you think of a solution to help ?"

i struggle to talk to him we had a very abusive relationship, conversation often doesn’t go well and I become overwhelmed but I’m working on this. Fortunately he is a brilliant dad but a knob of a person to be honest

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Hadalifeonce · 15/12/2022 23:06

If you struggle to speak with him, could you send an email or text?

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 23:08

TidyDancer · 15/12/2022 22:58

Yes this was my thought as well. I think this is the only real option unless you think your ex would pick her up from you. It doesn't sound like you have the kind of relationship where he would do something to help you though.

Show quote history

This is bang on. He refuses to do any favours for me, I think he quite enjoys it too sadly. Going out of his way for me is a big no, there were no considerations when baby was mere days old he still expected our regular drop off pick up routine to continue

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HyggeandTea · 15/12/2022 23:10

Fair enough. Good that he is a decent dad and well done for no longer being in an abusive relationship. Could this be a message then? No need to get involved in a debate.
It may involve compromise.

SNWannabe · 15/12/2022 23:11

Fortunately he is a brilliant dad but a knob of a person to be honest

no he isn’t. A brilliant dad doesn’t disrespect his child’s mum. Not her new partner. A brilliant dad moves heaven and earth to see his child and doesn’t expect her to be driven to him. A brilliant dad makes life better for their child, not worse.

Stop thinking he’s a brilliant dad, he isn’t. He is an abusive twat and you need to stop pandering to him. Don’t bad mouth him to your daughter, but equally don’t Disney dad him either.

Stop running around after him and let him come up with an adult solution to this issue. It’s not your problem.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/12/2022 23:20

Does he live near you and just his family live 40mins away or does he live there too? Did he move away or did you? I think if you moved away then it makes it a bit trickier but otherwise just a breezy - Obviously with new baby I will not be driving to drop at your family over Christmas. Let me know who is picking dd up and when. Merry Christmas Justmebeingme22

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 23:28

SNWannabe · 15/12/2022 23:11

Fortunately he is a brilliant dad but a knob of a person to be honest

no he isn’t. A brilliant dad doesn’t disrespect his child’s mum. Not her new partner. A brilliant dad moves heaven and earth to see his child and doesn’t expect her to be driven to him. A brilliant dad makes life better for their child, not worse.

Stop thinking he’s a brilliant dad, he isn’t. He is an abusive twat and you need to stop pandering to him. Don’t bad mouth him to your daughter, but equally don’t Disney dad him either.

Stop running around after him and let him come up with an adult solution to this issue. It’s not your problem.

You are right but I mean it in the way his relationship with her is, I’m at least happy with that he is a very hands on dad. I definitely need to grow some balls when it comes to approaching him with issues but easier said than done due to the past. I do try though. I guess I am looking more for suggestions to split the holidays, in some ways it would be easier if he wasn’t so hands on then I could just keep her to myself!

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FormAnOrderlyQueue · 15/12/2022 23:29

SNWannabe · 15/12/2022 22:58

Why doesn’t your ex drive? It’s surely up to him as an adult to arrange the collection of his own child? And if he can’t or won’t then she stays with you.
Why on earth would your new partner be expected to leave you and your baby on xmas day to deliver her? I disagree with @Lolalovesroses - that’s NOT on him.

Offer the same deal as always time-wise but he can arrange the transport himself.

Absolutely this

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 23:30

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/12/2022 23:20

Does he live near you and just his family live 40mins away or does he live there too? Did he move away or did you? I think if you moved away then it makes it a bit trickier but otherwise just a breezy - Obviously with new baby I will not be driving to drop at your family over Christmas. Let me know who is picking dd up and when. Merry Christmas Justmebeingme22

No he lives there too. He does drive now himself but for some reason I have always dropped her I’m not entirely sure why! I think I need to bite the bullet and just say I won’t be dropping her and deal with the consequences, I know they’ll come!

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TheUsualChaos · 15/12/2022 23:37

Use this as a turning point to stop doing all the running around for him then... As pp have said. Send a brief text saying you won't be doing the drive on Christmas Day and especially now he drives it's his turn to do it!

I would suggest going forward that DD spends Christmas Day with one of you and then Boxing day with the other to save having to do long journeys disrupting Christmas Day every year 🤷‍♀️

RagzRebooted · 15/12/2022 23:38

If he drives then it isn't an issue. Continue with the split day like you always have, unless you want to alternate but remember that means you won't see her at all every other Christmas. I'd rather the set up you have, if I were in your position as you get Christmas morning, which is the best part.

Just ask him what time he's picking her up.

AssumingDirectControl · 15/12/2022 23:40

If he drives now, that’s problem solved surely.

Original poster

Justmebeingme22 · 15/12/2022 23:42

AssumingDirectControl · 15/12/2022 23:40

If he drives now, that’s problem solved surely.

He has in fact been driving a few years it’s just stayed this way as I did it when we were together then when we split, all in all for like 10 years now I genuinely don’t know why it hasn’t changed.

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GoT1904 · 15/12/2022 23:44

Could he not meet you half way? I appreciate that's still a long drive, but much more manageable. If he drives there's no reason he couldn't drive the whole way either!

lovelilies · 15/12/2022 23:45

Just message saying you aren't driving her this year so he can collect her at (whatever time). Then next year alternate the driving going forwards

CombatBarbie · 15/12/2022 23:54

If he doesn't pick her up, he doesn't see her, simple. Stop being his taxi.

kateandme · 16/12/2022 00:21

Don't get emotional just factual,formal.
Say dd will be ready at such and such a time to pick up.leave it.dont fill gaps don't bite.jusy state.
Just because things have been a certain at doesn't mean they have to carry on.stand.uour ground. It's his contact vtime it perfectly reasonable he comes to fetch her.
Don't get into an argument.
If he says why explain as you've always done it you'd like a year off.and again repeat the time.

kateandme · 16/12/2022 00:24

And if he says no.say that's your decision but I will NOT be doing the trip. So that's your decision.
Let him think on what that means.