Splitting Christmas with ex!

[Justmebeingme22]

I am getting myself in a bit of a mess and I know I’ve left it very late but I just have no idea how to approach this so I automatically avoid! It is not helpful!
I have an 8 year old with my ex, horrid relationship in the end we don’t get along well! I usually have our child Christmas Eve then drop her to him late afternoon Christmas Day and have done for years (even when we were together I’d travel and take us to his family 40 min drive so over 1 hour 30 round trip) mostly because he didn’t drive. I have a new partner now and we have a new baby and I’m just confused how to make it all work. I really don’t want to be driving 1 hour 30 on Christmas Day with baby (who is exclusively breastfed) Selfishly I want to keep her but obviously that’s not an option but I really can’t think how to make it fair and make sure she doesn’t miss out. It’s driving me mad, if I speak to her about it she wants to do everything and has a brilliant relationship with both dad and I she’s very loved. I just want the best for her but also want to be fair.

is there a court order in place? If not then it’s a text saying, “from now on your going to have to pick DD up on your days, I’m happy to collect her on mine.” This will include Christmas Day this year. Happy to be flexible meeting half way for future dates, but you will definitely have to pick her up this Christmas. If your not happy or unwilling we will have to have an official court order arrangement put in place”.

I’d agree with PPs; text him to say the long drive does not suit with new baby so option A, he collect at x time, or option B, he meet you halfway at y time, and ask him to let you know by z date which of the two options work best to ensure DD has the best possible time.

Am sorry but I agree with this. You’ve done more than enough in previous years to facilitate contact and now it’s up to him.

Also agree with this

Surely the reason you’ve been doing the driving is so that you get her for Christmas Eve, Christmas dinner
and most of Christmas Day every year. In which case I think it’s reasonable that you do the driving. I think it’s fine to say you don’t want to drive every year but you’ll also have to compromise on a more convenient and fair time split. Personally I’d probably just continue driving so that I could have every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with her

The fact that you have additional responsibilities in the form of a new baby really isn’t your ex’s problem to solve. The transportation issue was something you were aware of when you chose to have another child. You can’t suddenly claim he should take responsibility for transportation.

you can, of course, always renegotiate your arrangements. When you ask to make one change, you open up he possibility of him asking for other modifications.

if the ultimate conclusion ends up
being alternating years, is that something you are comfortable with?

No don't offer to go half way. He'll text you when you get there saying he's not coming and you need to drive her the rest of the way.

Insist he collects. Offer new partner to collect her at the end of her stay or say he's free to bring her back if he prefers. The end.

I know it's hard to stand up to him when he's had so much control over you, but send one text and then stick to it. You're doing the right thing.

Surely you just leave the baby with your partner and meet halfway?

Just to clear a few things up, Im absolutely not saying he needs to be considerate or change things up because I have a baby. I just want the whole period to be more fair on us BOTH and also ensure our child has the best time. Had I not had baby I think I’d still be questioning why I’m driving her again when I’ve done it every year, it’s like an unwritten expectation. And to clarify in all honesty although I want her with me of course I am aware she has a whole other family that she is extremely close to so I aren’t concerned with splitting things more evenly I am seeking advice on possible ways to split it? What ways have worked for others?

My DH alternates Xmas and boxing day with ex. One parent has them until Xmas eve and the other Xmas eve evening to Boxing Day eve. One parent drops off and one collects and they just swap each time. That works well for us and kids seem happy (has been this way for 5 years). Kinds now 12 & 14. They say they love that they get 2 xmasses!

And whilst my DH and his ex don’t get on very well, they are both very fair about alternating drop offs and pick ups.

I don't think this close to Christmas is the best time to change things. Personally I'd get your partner to do the drive this year, your dd is old enough to go in by herself so your dp can wait in the car.
Then in the New Year have the discussion about you not needing to drive all the time now that he can. And if you want to sort any changes for Christmas.

He picks her up, then you collect her or vice versa, share the driving

This. Maybe if you offered a fairer split of Christmas time he would also accept a fairer split on the travel? Christmas eve and Christmas morning are the bits I most remember with joy from my childhood and it should be split in a more fair way between you in my opinion.
Sorry just seen you update re happy to split - in which case maybe he could have her from xmas eve lunch to xmas afternoon but only if he does the travel? Next year you have that period but you do the travel? That makes it very equitable and most importantly your daughter gets to spend quality time with each parent. Good luck.

I think this is going to be what I’ll suggest. My daughter feels stuck in the middle as she really enjoys Christmas with me as we have traditions but I know she enjoys being with her dads side too and he would love a Christmas Eve with her being young, it’s just messing with my head in fear of her missing out but I know it will be fine I just need to get the conversation done! Unfortunately as our split was not on positive terms so communicating has been difficult and I know I should have started some sort of Christmas schedule a few years ago and stuck to it

@Justmebeingme22 so I have a not dissimilar ex. He is a knob to me (although not abusive) but an amazing dad.

We split when dd was 5 (now 9) and as he has kids from his previous relationship. Their mum has always been a nightmare over Xmas despite loving a mile apart. She refused flat out to do any travel and also for a long time refused to let her 2 have Xmas eve with their dad. So I am sooooo happy to read that you are willing to suck up your feelings and have that as an option.

With dd we have always alternated. One year one of us has her Xmas eve through to 5ish on Xmas day and that swaps the following year. I know if I wanted to go away to see family my ex wouldn't question us keeping her longer and if he ever wanted to go away I would let him....even though it would break my heart!!

But we do equal travelling. I only live a 10 minute drive from him (2 villages over) but we split things fairly equally.

As your ex now drives and you have another child to consider it is only fair that he does some of the travelling...if he gets really pissy maybe a compromise to consider would be a point half way between you both?

I think you also need to be mindful of your daughter’s feelings with the arrival of a new baby. She might feel pushed out if things suddenly change. Personally I think the week before Christmas is too late to change a stable arrangement and you need to make the change from Next year.

I agree it’s late to start the conversation on a more significant change from the perspective of your daughter’s feelings. Perhaps offer to meet him half-way setting the expectation that things will change further soon.
As a reference point - my partner has his daughter 50% of the time. The court order specifies that she gets picked up by whoever’s house she is going to. Before that, when it was EOW, my partner was required to do all the pick up/drop off. In this case it’s a two minute walk though. The new court order felt like it was a shift in ‘power’ that mum absolutely hated when she had to start turning up to us to colleague her child. She was the abusive one in the relationship, so I’d expect that your ex may well resist also, due to the perceived power dynamic. (Sigh)

Collect her child!

Not sure if this will help but ex and I have a strained relationship, don’t talk unless it’s about our daughter etc. We don’t share Xmas day at all, it’s sh*t for everyone, including her. So we do year about, one has Xmas day (exchange dinner time on Xmas eve) and one has Boxing Day. Done that since she was 4 and it means I have a day every 2nd year I can get up at 11am and drink wine in my pyjamas without worrying about driving. 😂

She also has a younger sibling on dad’s side and as yet hasn’t asked to be there every year so is obviously happy with the arrangement because we have also both made it clear she can do it all at one place every year if she wants. I’m not going to be the one getting in the way of her relationship with her sibling that’s for sure so if they want to be together then they will be.

The fact that you have additional responsibilities in the form of a new baby really isn’t your ex’s problem to solve I agree with this.

But if he drive now, he can collect on Christmas Day and you can collect your daughter at the agreed pick up time. Or arrange a meeting point in the middle.

Not that I understand why you can't drive for 40 minutes with a new baby. And I agree with the pp who says you probably shouldn't upset the applecart for your daughter as she adjusts to having a new sibling.

Nor do I understand why you wouldn't have your partner drop her off, regardless of what your ex thinks. That aspect isn't up to him and if he doesn't like it, he can collect her.

There's no reason you should be doing all drop offs. Start alternating Christmas Day's rather than splitting them (much easier all around) and start alternating the driving. Since you've done it all up til now, he's got some catching up to do and can do it this year.

Yes this is totally not an issue for me to split it fairly as that would be a nice change to be able to just relax for the whole day without thinking of going out but of course I would miss her but I’m not selfish with her at all

Yes I stated just further up not expecting him to be considerate I have still stuck to our arrangements dropping or picking her up from the day baby was born as you do you just crack on!
I can drive with baby for the 1 hour 20 minute journey but why should I after I have done it for almost 10 years is my point, which is reasonable. I drive her there currently and have to stop to feed baby sometimes on return journey but like I said I just crack on.

we more or less split as much as we can and she’s fine with it she just feels like she wants to do everything and be everywhere but she can’t and she always deals with it well tbh.

only reason I wouldn’t want him to take her is ex threatened me that he may cause a fight with him ( ridiculous) not something I want to encourage I’m way to old for that I just want a peaceful life lol I did respond to him with the suggestion he does all drop off etc or we arrange an alternative drop of location (parents) not sure if you’ve dealt with a manipulative person before but I can’t tell you the conversation didn’t go well and often ends in laughing emojis or silence.

Who moved away?
Sorry if it has been said somewhere and I missed it, but generally if a DP has chosen to move from original location then they're the one expected to do the transportation.

Nobody moved. He’s from a different place than I am he moved back to his hometown when we split. We regularly share drop offs and pick ups now he drives but Christmas for some strange reason I’ve always drove her over, I have done this since we were together and he did not drive then.