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Original poster

Help me tell in laws we aren’t buying for adults

45 replies

SuspiciousLampshade · 01/12/2022 18:35

I need the wise wording of MN…

DH has 2 brothers, married with 3 kids each, and his Dparents. We have 2 DC much younger than the other kids, for context. So basically every year we suggest we don’t buy for adults and just buy for the kids (we started suggesting this before we had DC and were poor students as 6 kids is already a lot). Every year I get enthusiastic agreement from one SIL and occasionally MIL and then when we discuss it all 4 (2 SIL, MIL and I) they suddenly change their tune and we end up having to buy for everyone.

This year we’re all “away” at the other sides (so BIL’s families are with SIL’s families and we’re with my parents) and I again brought up that we should just buy for kids this year. SILs and MIL all agreed this was a good idea “as we are not together this Christmas, but we’ll come back stronger next year”

I want to say that we’d rather not do presents for adults ever as it’s bloody expensive and we don’t need more tat but I don’t know how to word it (or if I’m even unreasonable for feeling this way even though I know I’m not posting in AIBU) as I’ve already tried a polite variant of that and been overruled. Any wise suggestions??

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/12/2022 18:37

It’s December. My wise suggestion is to do it for this year and have this conversation in September for next year.

It is far too late to change present buying perimeters now

strawberry2017 · 01/12/2022 18:37

Think you are just going to have to be blunt and to the point. We are no longer doing adult presents.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 01/12/2022 18:37

Why does it need to be a mutual agreement?

’We’ve decided to only do presents for children this year. We’d be very happy for you to reciprocate and not buy us adults presents’.

PermanentTemporary · 01/12/2022 18:40

Just keep saying it. And mean it.

RitaSueandBobtwo · 01/12/2022 18:44

The suggestion above from @Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink sounds good I wish I could broach this successfully with MIL have suggested it to DH but he is too scared or you could maybe suggest secret Santa for adults with a budget of a tenner as a kind of halfway house.

Lkydfju · 01/12/2022 18:45

Are You sure you haven’t left it a bit late now?

upfucked · 01/12/2022 18:49

It’s too late for this year.

aSofaNearYou · 01/12/2022 18:50

I would just tell them, it isn't a rude thing to say. I'd also buy joint gifts for the kids. Buying separately for six kids is a lot.

Propertyindisrepair · 01/12/2022 18:53

this is your husband’s family yes?

so my advice would be give him your thoughts on what to say and then let him crack on with resolving it

Original poster
SuspiciousLampshade · 01/12/2022 19:43

It’s proactively for next year as we have agreed not to buy for adults this year as we aren’t celebrating together. I just don’t know whether to say anything now as the conversation is ongoing or do as @PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister and take the topic up again autumn next year. Though I guess if I do it now they may have forgotten about it by next Christmas…

Good suggestion @RitaSueandBobtwo maybe a Secret Santa is the way to go.

@Propertyindisrepair maybe I should. His suggestion was to buy cheap gifts and grumble about it behind closed doors but I actually quite like my in laws and would like to keep it that way!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 01/12/2022 19:50

Hi everyone

What with the cost of living biting us all (not to mention the environment crisis) we’ve decided to only do Christmas presents for the kids this year.

We’d be pleased if you were happy to do the same, and just buy for our kids.

Look forward to wishing you a happy Christmas

Just say that, and stick to it from now on. You can’t dictate to other people what they do, if they want to buy for you, that’s up to them.

Or secret Santa, of course

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2022 19:50

and we end up having to buy for everyone

Where you’ve gone wrong in the past is not just saying ‘We’re only buying for the kids’ as a statement of fact, rather than trying to get everyone’s buy-in.

I’d leave it this year, as it’s already been agreed and so that’s good. Then next year say - early! - ‘I actually didn’t miss not having extra presents last year, I just enjoy your company everyone. Maybe we could do a Secret Santa or have really token £10 gifts for grown-ups?’

YumSushi · 01/12/2022 19:54

Let your DH sort his family

FusionChefGeoff · 01/12/2022 20:01

Token gifts are a nightmare as you still have the huge mental load and more trying to find something cheap!

We do secret Santa using an online generator and a healthy budget. Each person puts their wish list on the generator so you get ideas as well as your named person.

Everyone gets decent present(s) that they want and you only have to think about one person to buy for.

We all love it!

Hoplesscynic · 01/12/2022 20:09

No way I'd be spending so much money (and time) buying gifts for 2 SILs, 2 DBs, 6 kids and a MIL! And that's just your DHs family side. Buying for the 6 kids is already bad enough.
But why are you even trying to persuade them? I'd leave it entirely to the DH to communicate this to them however he sees fit. Or if he doesn't, well just let him crack on with the pointless and expensive junk gift buying for all of them.
I can't stand people who have no consideration for others' budgets, surely they get the hint you can't afford it?

WhichWitchIsTheWitch · 01/12/2022 20:14

We’ve always bought for the youngest in each family household so childfree sil gets a gift but sil with child doesn’t, her ds does. Its been fine so far. My kids are is teens and I’m now not quite sure how this will work when the children are adults- does sil start buying for us again and not my kids? Worth considering if there’s a big age gap between the children!

AdoraBell · 01/12/2022 20:16

Agree, talk to DH about it, costs etc and if you as a family can’t afford it, and then leave it to him to deal with his family. When they start talking about gifts refer them to DH, say -H is dealing with Christmas parents.

Repeat every time it comes up in conversation.

My DH has bought his family’s presents, or not, since the first Christmas we were together. That’s nearly 30 years.

Nimo12 · 01/12/2022 20:19

You just need to tell them it's what you are doing, as pp mentioned and you're happy for them to just buy for your kids too

IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2022 20:21

Your mistake is trying to get agreement in order to stop.

You need to say (earlier than December by the way)
We are no longer going to be buying gifts for adults. Please don't buy us anything.
If they choose to ignore you and then get no gift in return that is their choice.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 01/12/2022 20:25

I had to be quite blunt with my family of all adults and no DC. My DM was still buying presents for us like we were still kids, and everybody was getting stuff they didn't use and didn't want.

This year I insisted on a secret Santa so we get one present each, plus a stocking with sweets only.

DM is having trouble adjusting but is determined to try her best. Maybe suggest a secret Santa for adults next year? I got away with it by saying it was just wrong to give everyone loads of presents when so many people were struggling.

Original poster
SuspiciousLampshade · 02/12/2022 05:04

Thanks so much for all your helpful responses! Sounds like I either need to stop getting involved and insist DH sorts his family, or just be very blunt and say what we are doing and not feel bad if we get a gift anyway. Or Secret Santa if we have the energy for that!

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 02/12/2022 06:00

We do an adult secret Santa ..using an online creator ...there are 8 adults ones two families ,
Each adult gets another and spends £30
The four little ones get a something to open when we open but a couple pounds that I buy as aunty...but done in secret Santa style too.

Closuretime · 02/12/2022 06:04

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 01/12/2022 18:37

It’s December. My wise suggestion is to do it for this year and have this conversation in September for next year.

It is far too late to change present buying perimeters now

No OP can just send a text... Saying hi X we are not doing adults presents this year as we can't no longer afford it x

Crucible · 02/12/2022 06:15

I'd take up the MIL phrase of 'come back stronger next year' which is just code for going overboard.
Get husband to say this;

'Folks, @SuspiciousLampshade and I have discussed gift buying and we have decided we're not buying adults any more gifts, not next Christmas or ever again. This year will be a good practice run and we won't be making up for it next year. Please don't buy for us, even a token gift, we have enough things. You can all insist but we're sorry but we are putting a stop to it permanently. Please do carry on amongst yourselves if you wish - if it gives you joy we are obviously happy for you. Tell us and show us what you got - but we're not taking part any longer. Merry Christmas'

ArcticSkewer · 02/12/2022 06:16

These men with no agency, even with their own family! It seems so pointless to have children if the boys end up like this - unable to speak openly to their own mother, or forbidden to buy her a present, whatever side the reality is it's a bit pathetic.

Can't he just be left to sort things as he wishes, and either buy them presents (if you have a joint budget, simply factor that in so he sacrifices something else from his discretionary spending) or not?

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