Help me tell in laws we aren’t buying for adults

[SuspiciousLampshade]

I need the wise wording of MN…

DH has 2 brothers, married with 3 kids each, and his Dparents. We have 2 DC much younger than the other kids, for context. So basically every year we suggest we don’t buy for adults and just buy for the kids (we started suggesting this before we had DC and were poor students as 6 kids is already a lot). Every year I get enthusiastic agreement from one SIL and occasionally MIL and then when we discuss it all 4 (2 SIL, MIL and I) they suddenly change their tune and we end up having to buy for everyone.

This year we’re all “away” at the other sides (so BIL’s families are with SIL’s families and we’re with my parents) and I again brought up that we should just buy for kids this year. SILs and MIL all agreed this was a good idea “as we are not together this Christmas, but we’ll come back stronger next year”

I want to say that we’d rather not do presents for adults ever as it’s bloody expensive and we don’t need more tat but I don’t know how to word it (or if I’m even unreasonable for feeling this way even though I know I’m not posting in AIBU) as I’ve already tried a polite variant of that and been overruled. Any wise suggestions??

Are you buying for your own family ?

I refuse to do secret Santa. Is the real problem financial or getting and buying loads of crap?

It's taken me an awful lot of years to realize I'd rather have a couple of nice things I love and not lots of shit.

Can you suggest a secret Santa instead? So only 1 very good present (with suggestions from potential recipients on a group chat). And obviously once the present is given you know who it's from to stop any potential nastiness.

Just tell them you're not doing it anymore and stick to it, even if they don't. If there's any fall out over it, they need to get a grip. I stopped buying for adults years ago because the mental load of thinking of stuff for fully grown people - who already have everything they could possibly want or need - was just too much. I don't think SIL was too happy and my brother still insists on buying gifts for me and my husband, but that's up to them.
For context, I'm not the Grinch - no kids, but loads of nieces and nephews (who also have everything!)

I’m one of four siblings. My darling brother said one year when we were in our early twenties, ‘I have no idea what to get you all and just end up getting you shite you don’t want, so I’m going to save my money and buy myself a nice present. If you all do the same, we’ll have a nice Christmas’.

We all agreed to stop with presents to all adults (apart from taking food/drink,etc to whoever is hosting) and it’s so much easier. We’ve been doing it for about ten years. DH and I don’t even buy for each other because we buy what we want when we need it, or when there are good offers on. We don’t have children and we just have four nieces and nephews to buy for (and they’re all different ages so it’s quite good fun) and that’s it.

Christmas is no longer an expensive stress and I enjoy the whole season so much more.

I would say you are about a month too late to have this conversation for this year. If my family were taking this decision I would want to know earlier than three weeks before Christmas.

She's not talking about this year. She's sorted this year. It's next year she's asking advice for.

Only buying for the kids sounds like a good idea, but in reality kids usually have enough gifts form their parents. In fact, judging by the photos of the piles of gifts that ‘Santa’ has left, most get far too many!
My widowed friend has no siblings, but has 3 children and 8 grandchildren. If the kids only rule were applied, she would buy 8 presents and not get a single one in return.
Isn’t Christmas about being kind to everyone?
However, where money is of a concern, why not buy a family gift that all the family can enjoy? A big box of chocolates, a family ticket to the cinema, a family friendly board game?

This year, the adults in my family have organised a secret Santa thing. We have a decent budget, and only buy for 1 adult. Everyone gets a nice gift, and it saves us spending more or buying cheap stuff for the sake of it.

By all means the adults who have kids shouldn’t buy each other

however it’s bloody cheeky not to buy the in laws who will be buying for your kids

thats awful

so they spend money and get nothing? At least you and the other adults get to see your kids open gifts

I’m our family me and my 4 siblings only buy each other’s kids

but all families buy the grandparents ‘off the kids’

or the grandparents would be spending loads and not getting anything’s

that’s really selfish

as is secret Santa which inc them

they still buy all the kids and only get one present

grandparents have to be excluded in all this unless they’re not buying kids or only buying one kid as kids also in the secret Santa

Years ago (about 27) I went one step further and sent letters to my relatives saying I’m only buying for my own DC, parents and parents in law. I received no backlash, I didn’t overthink it and have saved myself so much work and money over the years.

Just dont buy gifts if you dont want too... I dont know why you need approval on how to spend YOUR money.

My DBs have never once bought me a xmas gift, I buy them one every year... its not tit for tat, I buy because I want too and I dont expect them to have to, no convosation about it has ever been needed.

Thing is they CLEARLY enjoy buying and exchanging gifts, you don't.

You are expecting everyone else to give up what they enjoy for you which is batshit, YOU can decided not to buy gifts and they HAVE decided they want to continue.

Waiting for everyone to agree with you won't happen and why should they stop? If my DB girlfriend tried to tell me I could no long buy xmas gifts for DBs and my parents because SHE doesn't want to buy my gift (nothing to do with me) I would laught because either shes joking or completely mad.

I hate the 'we don't buy for adults'. DC get plenty for xmas and the sheer volume of presents I find sickening for a single child and it isn't necessary.

So i would be suggesting kids get a token present like a selection box and buy for the adults.

Lulu1919 i like what you do

It's easy.
Gosh its been a tough year and we are broke. We need to ensure we have enough to see us through winter so are cutting back. I'm sorry all but we aren't buying adults presents this year.

Repeat as necessary.

I wouldn’t worry too much about next year at the moment. You’ve agreed to just buy for the children this year and you may find that come next year everyone will realise that it’s the better option.

As others have said its too late for this year but a good time to get everyone on the same page for next year.

We've said it's the last year we're doing adult presents for everyone (partly because we left it too late) and next year we'll do secret santa instead.

Remind them again in September and if they choose to ignore it its on them 🤷🏻‍♀️

That's great if you can afford to buy presents for everyone.

In our family we have great-grandparents, four sets of grandparents, multiple siblings, partners, children and step-children (plus children on the way). In and amongst that we have people who have been made redundant this year, people on statutory maternity pay, etc.

It's simply not affordable for everyone, and to paraphrase Martin Lewis, sometimes the best gift you can give is to free someone of the financial obligation of buying you a present.

I'd wait and see how the conversation goes next autumn. They may also be relieved not to have to buy for adults.

We buy for kids and our parents, but cut out siblings. Reduces so much stress and unnecessary stuff.

We all still buy for DM and the kids but not my siblings. I just told them all this is what we were doing. One sibling still buys for me but I haven't relented and bought them back. Just tell them and stick to it. It's easy.