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Original poster

Should I ban my DB from SS?

34 replies

BettySwollox78 · 01/12/2022 09:58

Last year it was decided that all the adults (5 men and 5 women) would buy something for £10 for the opposite sex. We decided to do it like that as we were all skint and that we could all afford £10. I didn't ask to sort this out btw. It was foisted upon me. On Boxing day everyone turns up and there doesn't seem to be an issue. My dd who was 15 asks if she can hand out the ss gifts which she does in random order alternating between male/female. Everyone is laughing and enjoying the moment blah blah blah. However when it's my turn there are no gifts left. Dd checks around for the missing gift and doesn't find it. That's when my brother in a breezy manner says that he didn't buy a gift as he already said he was strapped for cash plus he didn't have time to shop. He happily sat there taking part and accepted his gift. Had he let me know I could've quickly put a present together but as I went last I ended up with nothing. He has form for this kind of behaviour but I trusted him to at least buy one generic item. It kind of stung as I organise either Christmas Dinner or Boxing day buffet every year. This year I have decided that we will just have Christmas day and boxing day off. I'm actually looking forward to spending the 2 days in my onesie and doing nothing. However I have been asked to organise ss again for a small get together before new year. It's not like me to kick up a fuss about anything and this has probably resulted in me being walked over but I feel like making a stand. I am thinking of telling everyone that I will help organise it but me and db won't be taking part (this keeps the numbers equal) or should I implement this without telling anyone, make sure he goes last and doesn't get a gift?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 01/12/2022 10:04

I would send a message to your brother saying you were hurt about last year. I'd ask him if he can afford to participate this year. If he can't afford to join in, then don't put his name in the hat.

I cannot believe the cheek of him tbh.

Don't lower yourself to his level by deliberately implementing a scheme for him not to get a gift. Tell him upfront that he won't be getting one if he's too skint to participate.

Only you know whether that'll lead to a row and whether you're prepared to rock the boat tho.

I think the other option of staying out of the SS as a couple is a good one too. I now stay out of work SS (even tho I have changed jobs many times since) because in my very first job, for 2 years on the trot I got absolute SHITE gifts when I'd spent decent money.

CosmopolitanPlease · 01/12/2022 10:07

Took me too long to work out that ss meant secret Santa not step son/sister.

Hidingawaytoday · 01/12/2022 10:07

What was his gift? You should have just taken it off him. But YANBU, don't buy don't get.

TrashyPanda · 01/12/2022 10:08

I’d engineer it so you get him in the draw - and then don’t bother getting him anything. And tell him why

which is petty, very petty, I know. But it would give him a taste of his own medicine

Runningslow · 01/12/2022 10:09

Why just have it random and not for the opposite sex , then it won’t matter if you still do it. (As in select specific names to buy for in advance)

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 01/12/2022 10:09

Dacadactyl · 01/12/2022 10:04

I would send a message to your brother saying you were hurt about last year. I'd ask him if he can afford to participate this year. If he can't afford to join in, then don't put his name in the hat.

I cannot believe the cheek of him tbh.

Don't lower yourself to his level by deliberately implementing a scheme for him not to get a gift. Tell him upfront that he won't be getting one if he's too skint to participate.

Only you know whether that'll lead to a row and whether you're prepared to rock the boat tho.

I think the other option of staying out of the SS as a couple is a good one too. I now stay out of work SS (even tho I have changed jobs many times since) because in my very first job, for 2 years on the trot I got absolute SHITE gifts when I'd spent decent money.

I agree with all this. Definitely message him. Does he contribute at all or does he just turn up to 'Vulture'? I have a sister who is similar

Dacadactyl · 01/12/2022 10:11

It's the fact that he came to her place and OP did the food/drink etc and he still didn't get her anything! And then, he took his present.

What a chancer.

I certainly don't give to receive but he has an absolute lack of class.

If my sister had no money, I wouldn't exclude her but then she would never dream of joining in if she had no money. Or, she would do something like give a voucher for her time e.g. a "babysitting voucher" so we could have a night out, or "mowing the lawn" or whatever.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/12/2022 10:11

What a dick!!
no, just say he's not included this year and do a random draw with the 9 of you rather than doing opposite sex gifts

frazzledasarock · 01/12/2022 10:13

I wouldn’t even give your brother a choice, say you’ll organise it but he’s sitting this year out as he behaved so badly last year.

bit if they kick up a fuss or defend him, hand it over and suggest the person who is objecting does the organising then.

your brother needs consequences for his actions

ChateauMargaux · 01/12/2022 10:22

Be totally upfront... DB are you coming to the family get together and present swap... the only condition is that you a present...

Maybe get one of your other siblings to have a word... reminding the other siblings that you organise the Christmas get together EVERY YEAR!!!!

Or just say... no... DB was a dick head last year... if you guys want to organise a secret santa ... fine... otherwise we can meet up in the Horse and Hound for a drink on 28th.. everyone can buy their own drinks.

Original poster
BettySwollox78 · 01/12/2022 10:39

Vulture?! That is so him. 😆
The opposite sex idea was nothing to do with me. That was my cousin. I wanted to pull names and think that's what will happen this year. I have heard of an app that helps you organise secret santa and texts participants to let them know who to buy for etc. Might give that a go.
For those interested (as the following isnt Christmas related so i do apologise) db is a 42 year old man child. My mum pampers him. I moved out when I was 19 and have managed by myself ever since. In fact when I was expecting my first baby my mum told me not to expect any help from her. To quote her "I've done my child rearing!" I wouldn't ask her for anything anyway but she seemed to have forgotten that as the eldest she literally enslaved me (I swear I don't use that term to be dramatic). Anyway I digress. My brother runs back to her for any inconvenience. He is incapable of behaving normally and must make a show of himself by being loud and obnoxious with his tall tales and extremely booming laugh. I did used to worry he would end up alone but he married the female equivalent of himself 2 years ago ( luckily she goes back to the states every November for 8 weeks and he refuses to go).

OP posts:
dontputitthere · 01/12/2022 10:43

What happened when you went to open your present and there wasn't one? Was no one else outraged?

Yeah he wouldn't be involved in anything from now on. What a dick

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 01/12/2022 10:46

Why don't you have a complete break this year op? Tell your mum, siblings, cousins etc that not only will you not be doing Secret Santa you won't be seeing anyone until January and that's that. Let them organise themselves for a change. 🖕

Original poster
BettySwollox78 · 01/12/2022 10:53

dontputitthere · 01/12/2022 10:43

What happened when you went to open your present and there wasn't one? Was no one else outraged?

Yeah he wouldn't be involved in anything from now on. What a dick

No one was that bothered apart from dh and dd. There was a bit of eye rolling but that's it. My dh cannot stand him but tolerates him for me.

OP posts:
RichmondVeganSausagesAreSurprisinglyNice · 01/12/2022 10:59

NigelWithTheBrie79 · 01/12/2022 10:46

Why don't you have a complete break this year op? Tell your mum, siblings, cousins etc that not only will you not be doing Secret Santa you won't be seeing anyone until January and that's that. Let them organise themselves for a change. 🖕

Wow op your thread reminds me of my family and Christmas. I agree with pp about taking this Christmas just for you and your immediate family. So what if it causes a bit of upset. They sound like they have thick skins all round. If you ever want to raise money to send him to Americs please let me know. I will kick in the first fiver. 😂

dontputitthere · 01/12/2022 11:35

To be honest then you have a whole family issue not just a twatty DB

If no one else thought there was a problem with how you were treated I'd take a massive step back.

Why are they always relying on you to sort things? Why are they all coming to you yet none of them are even slightly embarrassed or upset at how shittily you were treated?!

Agree with the above. Say you're having a lovely small family Christmas. Don't let anyone come over and abuse your hospitality. Let them sort out their own shit if they want to. Why not volunteer DB to organise it?

And spend Christmas with people who actually get you a present.

UWhatNow · 01/12/2022 11:44

In our family he would’ve been relentlessly bullied by everyone taking the piss and he’d have been forced to give you £10. It’s not the amount - it’s the principle and about fairness.

I hate to think what he’s like in society if he treats his family like that. The wider family are just as bad letting him get away with it.

survivingmomland · 01/12/2022 12:10

dontputitthere · 01/12/2022 11:35

To be honest then you have a whole family issue not just a twatty DB

If no one else thought there was a problem with how you were treated I'd take a massive step back.

Why are they always relying on you to sort things? Why are they all coming to you yet none of them are even slightly embarrassed or upset at how shittily you were treated?!

Agree with the above. Say you're having a lovely small family Christmas. Don't let anyone come over and abuse your hospitality. Let them sort out their own shit if they want to. Why not volunteer DB to organise it?

And spend Christmas with people who actually get you a present.

This!!

mam0918 · 01/12/2022 13:03

How does your SS work... was it a free for all type where people bought a gift without knowing the recipient or did he pick you?

I mean hes an ass either way but it sounds like the gifts are just handed out randomly not specifically.

I would do it but just leave him out.

OrigamiOwls · 01/12/2022 13:29

I wouldn't be organising for them... If they want to do it one of them can organise it. I'd also be pointing out you didn't get a gift last year so maybe SS doesn't work for the group.

pinkksugarmouse · 01/12/2022 13:31

He’s a selfish git and you can’t change people like that they have to want to make an effort.
I would leave him out of the ss this year and if he complains just point out that as you are still missing a gift you assume he still can’t afford it let alone afford another for this year.
Keep him out of your life as much as you possibly can. These people are drains on your spirit. If you can’t go no contact get as close as possible to no contact.

jackstini · 01/12/2022 13:50

Not a chance would he have got away with that in our family!

They would have taken his gift off him or sent him to the Co-op sharpish to buy something

We use Drawnames for our SS, it's dead easy. I would leave him out though

Iloveacurry · 01/12/2022 13:55

If I was you, I’d just say that you’re not doing SS this year.

Whatsthestorytomorrow · 01/12/2022 13:55

However I have been asked to organise ss again for a small get together before new year

Who has asked you to organise it? How much organising does it actually need? I’m not understanding why the person that asked you can’t just send everyone a message saying “please bring a SS gift worth £10 when you come, if you don’t bring a gift you don’t get to pick one out”.

Original poster
BettySwollox78 · 01/12/2022 16:31

Whatsthestorytomorrow · 01/12/2022 13:55

However I have been asked to organise ss again for a small get together before new year

Who has asked you to organise it? How much organising does it actually need? I’m not understanding why the person that asked you can’t just send everyone a message saying “please bring a SS gift worth £10 when you come, if you don’t bring a gift you don’t get to pick one out”.

To be honest it's just a ploy to get me to organise everything not just SS. I've just finished speaking to my mum. She has now arranged to go out for dinner with my uncle and cousins and has asked me to send a bank transfer of £60 as a deposit. Gladly! She has also volunteered my brother. She has asked if she can come for boxing day but I've said no as don't want to risk my brother turning up. I've also said no to SS or any form of gift giving. Reading this thread has given me the courage to say no. Thanks all 😊

OP posts: