Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

At a loss of what to get my Mum.

40 replies

BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 19:48

She's in a nursing home, is bed ridden.

She has had multiple strokes so can't communicate very well. She can't concentrate on anything and can't read so puzzles or books wouldn't be any good.

She has lots of photos in her room so doesn't need any more. If I sit and show her photos she pushes them away anyway.

She hardly eats or drinks. She used to love chocolate but the chocolates that I got her for her birthday haven't really been eaten.

I usually buy her something nice and soft to wear but she rips up all of her clothes so we're constantly buying her new ones of those anyway.

She has a soft blanket with our photos on and cushions with pictures of the grandchildren on. She also has a bird feeder that stick on the window so she can see the birds.

She can't bear being touched so wouldn't enjoy a nice cream or lotion. She has perfume but doesn't want it.

It seems a waste buying anything but I hate the thought of not giving her a gift. Although I'm not sure she would be bothered tbh.

Has anyone else been in the same situation and got any ideas? It all seems pointless. Sad

OP posts:
babbi · 23/11/2022 19:53

I’m so sorry to hear this about your mum .
mine is also very poorly and is virtually non verbal .
I get her luxury socks .. eg cashmere ,or another pure wool .
Even in a warm environment the feet can get very cold due to poor circulation .
mum finds them warm and soothing … when she could speak .. she’d say “ like a cuddle for my feet .”

take care .. this is tough on you x

ChocChipOwl · 23/11/2022 19:53

How about a little rose bush in a ceramic pot? M&S do them.

Can she listen to audiobooks?

Cashmere wrist warmers?

Pillow mist spray

Sorry - it's very hard

ItsTheSmallThings · 23/11/2022 19:59

Give her your time.
Not saying you dont spend time with her, but get the family together and go and see her. Have a little party, she may not communicate but she will know what's happening. Take the children, let her watch them play. Get the children to draw pictures and leave them with her.
I used to work in a nursing home and these are the things that would always leave a smile on a residents face.

Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:03

babbi · 23/11/2022 19:53

I’m so sorry to hear this about your mum .
mine is also very poorly and is virtually non verbal .
I get her luxury socks .. eg cashmere ,or another pure wool .
Even in a warm environment the feet can get very cold due to poor circulation .
mum finds them warm and soothing … when she could speak .. she’d say “ like a cuddle for my feet .”

take care .. this is tough on you x

Oh yes, socks are a good idea! She has plenty of fuzzy "bed socks" but I didn't think of cashmere or luxury ones. The only thing is that they're highly likely to get lost or ruined in the laundry in the home as they're not very careful.

I'm so sorry to read about your mum too. It's so very tough isn't it? My mum used to be the life and soul of the party and to see her like this is heartbreaking. You take care too.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:08

ItsTheSmallThings · 23/11/2022 19:59

Give her your time.
Not saying you dont spend time with her, but get the family together and go and see her. Have a little party, she may not communicate but she will know what's happening. Take the children, let her watch them play. Get the children to draw pictures and leave them with her.
I used to work in a nursing home and these are the things that would always leave a smile on a residents face.

We can't do that unfortunately. It's two visitors at a time allowed. We're not allowed any more than that.

It's very sad but I probably won't take my children to see her as she's very abusive and swears (shouts at me to fuck off and tries to hit me). I don't want my youngest to be frightened as she was very close to my mum and she looks nothing like she used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:11

ChocChipOwl · 23/11/2022 19:53

How about a little rose bush in a ceramic pot? M&S do them.

Can she listen to audiobooks?

Cashmere wrist warmers?

Pillow mist spray

Sorry - it's very hard

A pillow mist spray could be good. Wrist warmers would be chewed and ripped, I think. She grabs all her clothing and tears it with her teeth. It must be in frustration.

OP posts:
ReggaeRocks · 23/11/2022 20:13

Can you give music of some kind? A weighted-soft-toy-pet (I forget name but they are loved by many in care homes)?

noscoobydoodle · 23/11/2022 20:26

Would she enjoy a fidget blanket/muff/cuff- it was a surprise hit for my grandad in a similar situation. He also enjoyed (I think) a framed vintage poster from a childhood holiday destination. Other gifts I took him included a low maintenance plant and a (gently scented) diffuser and bed socks. Sorry this sounds really tough for you.

17caterpillars1mouse · 23/11/2022 20:30

Would the home allow a flower subscription for her room or even just a lovely one off Christmas bouquet

Would she enjoy something like music or audio books. New DAB radio?

Posh cordials to drink if that's her thing

Slippers

Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:35

noscoobydoodle · 23/11/2022 20:26

Would she enjoy a fidget blanket/muff/cuff- it was a surprise hit for my grandad in a similar situation. He also enjoyed (I think) a framed vintage poster from a childhood holiday destination. Other gifts I took him included a low maintenance plant and a (gently scented) diffuser and bed socks. Sorry this sounds really tough for you.

One of her hands is sort of fused and she can't move it so wouldn't be any good with anything to figit with.

They gave her a crochet muff/fiddle thingy in the hospital and she threw it at my sister 😂.

OP posts:
QuicheandMustard · 23/11/2022 20:36

What about a DAB radio? You could tune into something soothing like Classic FM or another station with music she might enjoy. It might be company for her too.

noscoobydoodle · 23/11/2022 20:37

BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:35

One of her hands is sort of fused and she can't move it so wouldn't be any good with anything to figit with.

They gave her a crochet muff/fiddle thingy in the hospital and she threw it at my sister 😂.

Show quote history

I did often wonder if my grandad only liked it because he thought he could throw it at someone (never at me but I'd be surprised if no-one was ever on the receiving end!). Most other things were kept well out of his reach!

xyzzyx · 23/11/2022 20:39

Following for ideas... in similar situation
I was going to get my mum -
a luxury hand cream bar (looks like soap) it will encourage grip and she can do herself
Memory foam slippers
Potted plant
Biscuits and a posh lemonade or something similar
Large print word search
Plush for her bed

prettybird · 23/11/2022 20:40

I got my mum a Build-a-Bear Christmas bear for her last Christmas, with a recording of ds (her gs) saying "I love you granny" when you squeezed it.

Kitch but mum was no longer really mum Sad (it was fronto-temporal démentia, not Alzheimer's, brought on by a head injury Sad)

She died the following April - but every year I put the bear into his Christmas clothes and remember how much she was loved.

Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:40

*with her other hand obviously.

Thank you for your suggestions. I'll probably go for a small hamper of chocolates, nice socks. A small plant, as suggested, might be nice for her to look at. I've done that in the past.

OP posts:
vampyra611 · 23/11/2022 20:44

What about a nice cuddly teddy bear? For her to snuggle with? Sounds daft but it might be something she would like xx

Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:44

@xyzzyx So sorry that you're in a similar situation. I hope your mum enjoys your gifts.

OP posts:
TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 23/11/2022 20:44

How about Neom reeds. The scent to sleep has a lovely lavender smell. I have one by the side of my bed.

TailEndCharlie · 23/11/2022 20:44

The only thing I could think of was a mini disco ball to hang near her window.... it might remind her of being the life and soul of parties but will also give her lots of beautiful light patterns on the wall when the sun shines? So sorry for you, it must be really hard. x

Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:45

@prettybird I'm sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry for what you went through with your mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
BusySittingDown · 23/11/2022 20:49

TailEndCharlie · 23/11/2022 20:44

The only thing I could think of was a mini disco ball to hang near her window.... it might remind her of being the life and soul of parties but will also give her lots of beautiful light patterns on the wall when the sun shines? So sorry for you, it must be really hard. x

Ha! She really did love a good boogie. Until her strokes she was out every Friday and Saturday night! Not a drinker at all but loved being out with her friends and seeing live music.

She does have a radio and unlimited access to different music in the home.

OP posts:
MissMarpleRocks · 23/11/2022 20:51

We got my MIL an empathy doll, cot, & feeding stuff. Mil really thinks it’s an actual baby & loves it so much.

prettybird · 23/11/2022 20:54

Forgot to mention she was in a home like your mum.

Best bit if advice i got was from my aunt who'd gone through something similar with her dad who'd died of a brain tumour (at home - this was in Africa so no homes available): She said that in time you'll be able to forget the last unhappy period - or at least, it becomes less vivid - and begin to remember properly the person your loved one had been.

She was right Smile. It took longer than she'd said (but there again, her dad, my grandfather was only sick for 6 months - mum was in the home for nearly 2 years and the accident was a few years before that) but I can now remember my mum as she had been before the accident, with joy and thankfulness that she'd been my mum. I still have the odd tear when I talk about her - but that comes from a place of love.

Puddywoodycat · 23/11/2022 20:59

God op I'm so sorry I know this isn't what you at asking but why do we let people go on like this.
Why.

Bigslippers · 23/11/2022 21:00

Im so sorry OP it’s hard to see the ones we love going through this
I do think though that the gift is for your benefit as there really is nothing that she would like

All my elder relatives have now passed but I remember showing my Granny a locket I had around my neck with her photo in. She was overwhelmed about that.

I guess OP you have done everything and have been very thoughtful over your choices. Even if you gave a small token it would come from love which is priceless x