At a loss of what to get my Mum.

[BusySittingDown]

She's in a nursing home, is bed ridden.

She has had multiple strokes so can't communicate very well. She can't concentrate on anything and can't read so puzzles or books wouldn't be any good.

She has lots of photos in her room so doesn't need any more. If I sit and show her photos she pushes them away anyway.

She hardly eats or drinks. She used to love chocolate but the chocolates that I got her for her birthday haven't really been eaten.

I usually buy her something nice and soft to wear but she rips up all of her clothes so we're constantly buying her new ones of those anyway.

She has a soft blanket with our photos on and cushions with pictures of the grandchildren on. She also has a bird feeder that stick on the window so she can see the birds.

She can't bear being touched so wouldn't enjoy a nice cream or lotion. She has perfume but doesn't want it.

It seems a waste buying anything but I hate the thought of not giving her a gift. Although I'm not sure she would be bothered tbh.

Has anyone else been in the same situation and got any ideas? It all seems pointless.

She was in residential home before Covid. The last time I saw her to have an actual real conversation and a cup of tea was March 2020, she was declining rapidly then. She had had three strokes then. Then they were locked down and we couldn't visit.

During lockdown she had another stroke and had to move to a nursing home after being in hospital for some time.

She was always a large lady, now she's skin and bone! It sounds awful but I feel like I've done a lot of grieving already for who she was.

Dearie me - sorry to rant! The Christmas topic is meant to be jolly! 😳

This may sound trite but I think the best thing you can give her is time and just sit around and be there. . make sure she's eating ok and getting enough fluids and well looked after.

Wow, you really have been through the wringer emotionally with your mum, it must be so hard to keep positive for her.

The only thing I can think of it something visual, like a lava lamp which she might enjoy watching in the evening, or you can get colour changing ornaments which might be quite soothing to watch . They quite often have them on QVC.

Would she like one of those lamps that put different colours/shapes on the ceiling?
Diffuser lamp for her room with nice scents?
I wouldn't go mad just for the sake of it tbh... I'd buy a gift and put a tree up for her. Then I'd do something nice for yourself. The best tribute to a mum is a daughter who enjoys her life- bet your mum would like you to treat yourself.

I've bought MiL a fleecy blanket, it's the softest thing I've ever felt.

We went through the same with my Grandma. We look back and think that it's a blessing she died just before Covid hit as she wouldn't have understood the restrictions and not visiting would have been torture.

Towards the end, we also struggled with gifts and couldn't not give something because I suppose it fulfilled a need in us, but also, Grandma had always adored receiving gifts. She grew up with rationing and had always struggled for money as a child. She adored festivities and my love of Christmas comes from her. She, like your darling Mum, had been a large woman in spirit and stature, but had become fragile and tiny. She was like a bird, paper-thin skin and frail. There was little obvious choice of gifts. Biggest hits towards the end were a teddy bear and a doll, cashmere socks and a room spray in a scent we knew she loved.

It is such a heartache to see somebody so altered. Wishing you and your Mum a peaceful Christmas with moments of joy.

I’m really sorry about your mum. Bamboo socks may be a nice alternative OP if you don’t want to go cashmere. They’re very soft and wash well. X

Your mum sounds like she was wonderful before she became ill. What about making a photo book for you and your family( not necessarily for her) so that you can look through your past happy memories to help your resilience going when you visit her?
for her, has she every accessed a sensory room? I’ve seen people with dementia and head injuries really relax in them.

Does she have a favourite flower or location - a framed print of it for her wall opposite her bed?

Mums last Christmas I bought her a small blanket made of fake fur and a bed jacket

Another vote for a doll. This gave my grandma enormous comfort.

I always get my mum things for her room like cushions, reed diffusers and fake plants from M&S (the nursing home is so hot real plants don't last!)

Thank you for all of your suggestions, I really appreciate it. All of your comments have been lovely and kind.

I think I will visit her with a little hamper of goodies, with some nice socks, a Christmassy scented diffuser might be a nice idea too. I can sit with her and share the treats together. I always feel inclined to buy her clothes as she always loved looking lovely. Her wardrobe at her house was incredible. For her birthday in September I bought her a lovely, soft lounge set and it was just destroyed on the first wear and we (my sister and I) are constantly buying her new clothes anyway.

My father had alzheimer's and by the time he died I'd done all my grieving so I understand how you feel on that.

In his last years I used to buy something that the activities coordinator could use generally in the home even if Dad wasn't able to. Simple jigsaws, DVD's, craft stuff etc. Always checking first what she would find useful. And then something small like chocolate for him to unwrap.

Lovely post and very true. We lost my DF at a very early age and after a horrible illness. It was a terrible time, but the memories of it have now largely been replaced by happier ones, from before he got ill.