STOCKING disparities

[Tigofigo]

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Spending Christmas with dc's cousins, who get huge sacks from Santa "for being so good". DC usually get a very modest normal sized stocking.

All children are old enough to realise the disparity, and all still claim to
believe in Father Christmas. Cousins are very vocal about how good they must have been to get so many presents, and will be too excited to keep those presents to themselves, and why should they hide them.

(I would be willing to spend a bit more on stockings but we typically spend about a tenth of what BIL does
and I'm very keen to avoid buying pointless tat.)

How old are your dc?
could you explain that most of cousins gifts are not from FC?

I always told my dc that I give FC the money for the gifts and a list, this is why some get more than others do. I explain that I don’t want huge amounts of gifts cluttering up our small house so I tell FC to buy a few nice gifts and a stocking rather than a sack full of gifts.

Thanks - DC are 5 and 9. Cousins are 11yo twins.

I could do this, but it's slightly complicated, for reasons I don't want to get into here. But in a nutshell it wouldn't "work" for one of my DC.

It also doesn't deal with the fact that the cousins are saying "good children get more"... It's confusing for them, these different narratives.

What kind of disparitie are we talking?

Are cousins getting 10x big £10+ toys (example: PJ mask cars, Magnadoodle, pinball, operation game etc...) and yours are geting an orange, bag of chocolate coins, pringles, drink, socks, pants, plasters, bubbles, crayons and a small teddy?

If your worried just make the stocking gifts from you more 'wow' and 'gifty' (maybe add things like a goo-jit-zu, fingerling, plushie from their favorite show, figure set from their favorite show, small nerf gun etc...). I think thats all you can do really if you want to 'even it' a bit as you cant change what the others do.

This is another reason I don't believe in 'merging' xmas as everyone has their own traditions and they clash and leave kids confused where as they would never know if they stayed home.

Honestly a 5 and 9 year old dont notice change that much if your casual about it... I have added stuff to xmas over the years and no one has even noticed the changes.

We only started santa sacks 4 years ago, my oldest was 10 but he seems to remember them always being a thing even though they weren't lol.

You say in your OP you’re willing to spend a bit more - can you level up some ‘normal’ stuff that you would get your dc anyway, and add to stockings?

so character socks/pants/clothing instead of normal ones.

fancy sugary cereal (small box/pot) as a treat

smiggle pens/crayons/stationery instead of big standard ones.

the stuff that younger children go nuts for, but doesn’t get bought every day because it’s too expensive/not as good value for money.

younger children don’t necessarily know the cost of stuff, they just know the value of whatever their ‘currency’ is. So if Smiggle/tinc is all the rage, then getting that stuff is really valuable to them. Or Pokémon cards, or Lego minifigs, or whatever the latest craze is for them.

I’ve filled out my dc’s stockings with levelled up ‘normal’ stuff for years, and not to compete with cousins, but just to give them a bit of a treat while not filling my house with tat.

could you put some stuff in slightly bigger boxes or a tiny thing inside a balloon? once its all opened they wont be comparing size etc.

big box of cereal that is not normally allowed? or a multipack of mini ones?

big blanket or dressing gown or big furry slippers would bulk it out a bit more

cheap science set or something else that is more consumable so wont be future clutter, just a future activity etc.

Thanks some good ideas here, love the cereal idea! Already have slippers for one, will think of something similarly bulky for the other one.

Cousins tend to get big presents in stockings yes, like big Lego sets, designer clothes, toys they want etc.

My DC aren't really into brands or trends but this has given me some food for thought, thanks

There will be something at school that is the thing to be doing/to have. If you’re lucky, it’s not a crazy expensive thing.

the main thing is, start teaching your dc that they are not competing. If they get things they are happy with, and which they know are a treat for them, then that is what counts.

my dc don’t get half of what their friends get. Not necessarily because we can’t afford it, but because I don’t think anyone needs that amount of stuff. They still get things which are important to them, and things which are a treat.

one thing my dc always loved when a bit younger was the blind bag rubbish in Claire’s etc. I wouldn’t buy them every week when they asked, but put one of those in their stockings, and they were over the moon 😂 If there’s anything at all they usually want but you won’t get them (nail polish? Glittery stuff? The pointless magazines they always want?) then putting it in their stockings is a big win, and doesn’t always have to be expensive.

Do you have to open them together? Could your DC open them on your bed and join the others after they opened theirs?

I'd start scouting the charity shops or ebay for bigger but cheap items like board games, puzzles, larger teddies, dressing gowns, to bulk out the stockings or sacks a bit (obviously make sure good condition and all pieces there)

Whilst they hopefully wont be too aware of the cost disparity, I think they will absolutely notice - and likely be upset by - a very differently sized pile of presents, especially when hearing from their cousins that "good children get more".

Can't you just talk to the twins parents? Or your partner if it is his family and say, look our stockings are going to be the poor relation in the stocking world could you ask your 11 year olds, like they are 11 now, to chill it down with the "we must have been really good" nonsense please. For a happy Christmas morning peace and goodwill etc etc do we really want to start Christmas morning like this.

I actually would t want to spend Xmas day with parents who tell their 11 year old kids that "good children get more".

I bet they are also told the "believe to receive" shit too.

It is just such an appalling message - those kids (if they truly believe it's true and aren't just stringing their parents along for the presents, must think street children who sleep on concrete must be bad.

Surely at 11 the cousins know the truth and can asked to be subtle about things.

Sorry, my sentence sounded weird - I mean children who don't have parents, a home or even a blanket, let alone Xmas presents.

I'd be tempted to sneak coal into the cousins stockings. They know and are being deliberately provocative

yeah telling them they are doing christmas wrong because you choose to do it different so should ruin the magic for their children is going to go down great.

You have zero right to tell them to change anything if YOUR kids are upset by how you do it then YOU change what you do.

This ,at 11 they don’t believe in FC anyway most likely and are probably doing it to wind your kids up . I really can’t understand why you are going there for present opening .

It’s not about asking them to change their stockings but more about telling their kids to not say things like we’ve obviously been really good , with the implication that the OPs kids have not . At 11 there is no need and they should know better .

I dont hammer home to my kids that they have to be good because frankly I dont instil really anything about Santa (the kids garner it from pop culture and I just allow them to believe what they want from that) but its a pretty common and standard historic stance that you don't get to dictate to another parent about.

It would STILL you job to fix YOUR end if you are unhappy not make them change their narative... your the one with an issue not them so its your job to change and fix it.

I would say as an adult you should know better than to try and control others.

I think you just don't like your inlaws much! You can't control what they do with their own children. And why should they to suit you anyway? I would not appreciate my SIL telling me what I could or couldn't do.

Change how you do things if you're not happy. Also, I don't buy two 11 year olds crowing that 'they've been good' I have literally never ever heard a kid say something like that on Christmas morning. They're too excited playing with what they got.

I suspect you don't like the fact that their parents give them more and you're trying to manipulate things to make it look more even. If you give your dc gifts from you why not add them to the santa presents?

We could yes but in the past they've been excited to show each other their presents, which is natural.

Don't know why you've got this impression, I like them a lot and their DC are lovely.

I know I can't control what they do and I'm not trying to, where have I said I'm telling them what to do? And you can believe what you like about what you think they might say or not, but it's a fact.

I'm absolutely fine with them giving their DC whatever they choose to. My concern is leaving my DC feeling like they're not good in some way.

Of course it's our job as parents to manage our own children's expectation but FWIW OP I also feel like it's an absolutely horrible message. It's materialistic and short sighted, and encourages children to be competitive over number of presents (to see who has been "the best").

Not only is it a mean attitude towards other children, but it's short sighted in that what if one year unfortunate circumstances hit, and you can't buy anywhere near as much for your DC's? Regardless of whether they believe it's Santa bringing them or if they know it's parents, the message will rub off that some of part of them is measured by how many presents they get.

OP, I empathise as I think you're in a tough position. I would probs do some bargain hunting to bulk out you kids' lot. Is this just a stocking issue or by the stockings and sacks are you referring to the entirety of the gifts both sets of DC will receive? Will they also get stuff under the tree and will that be more equal?

I'd also plan to never spend Christmas morning with them again and visit after gifts have been opened in future

OP, a couple of people seem to have taken your post quite personally. You're not saying you want to dictate what the other parents do for goodness sake. You're saying you want advice on how best to handle the disparity, i.e. buy more, stand your ground, or whatever.

I don't know why people are so indignant on behalf of your in laws either? If I was spending Christmas with a relative it would definitely be something I would consider and be open about talking to if we were all going to be opening the presents together and one set of DC had miles more than another. I don't know what planet people are on sometimes!

Can you not just avoid having Christmas morning with them?