STOCKING disparities

[Tigofigo]

Has anyone got any tips on how to deal with this? Spending Christmas with dc's cousins, who get huge sacks from Santa "for being so good". DC usually get a very modest normal sized stocking.

All children are old enough to realise the disparity, and all still claim to
believe in Father Christmas. Cousins are very vocal about how good they must have been to get so many presents, and will be too excited to keep those presents to themselves, and why should they hide them.

(I would be willing to spend a bit more on stockings but we typically spend about a tenth of what BIL does
and I'm very keen to avoid buying pointless tat.)

I think you just need to do a lot of instilling of the message to your own children that amount of presents doesn’t = how good you’ve been. That it’s a silly thing to think because all over the world children get different things from Father Christmas and so the Naughty & Nice list isn’t run on quantity of stuff = how good kids have been.

Have your DC been bothered in the past? If not, why do you think it might be different this year?

My children are now adults and when discussing childhood Christmases they don't mention presents it's about the other stuff, going around the houses looking at the lights, the year dad made too many pre dinner nibbles and we were all full from that so we hardly ate Christmas dinner. Or the boxing day buffet where we had to fight to put any more food on the table .

So don't worry, if you chill so will your children.

@GettingStuffed did your children open their gifts with cousins who got much more?
Because I think that is something that would stick in a kids head.

That's so tricky. Do you have to stay overnight and do stockings with them? Is it too far to travel or could you stay with another relative or do airbnb?
Have you discussed this with your ILs?
Tbh I wouldn't be that impressed with a box of cereal from FC !
You say you can afford it so can you get them more this Xmas for their stockings, just this once to avoid any angst? Especially relatively inexpensive bulky gifts- Squishmellow, dressing gown etc or good condition charity shop buys.
Or perhaps put in some gifts you would normally put under the tree?
I wouldn't be a fan of bursting any child's belief in FC. But you could perhaps say parents give FC the gifts for him to deliver and some parents can't afford to give as much as others?
Although tbf this given DNs ages this will only be an issue for this Xmas, and your DC are at peak age for excitement and believing, so I'd be tempted to ditch principles and buy more gifts to avoid any risk of having upset DC on Xmas morning !

One thing Op is 11yos are unlikely to be getting many toys other than Lego. They are more likely to be electronics and clothes so small but pricy.

But personally I'd still try to avoid having Christmas morning with them. Even if the kids do show off their gifts it won't be quite so obvious that the piles were totally different.

My cousins on my Dads side were the "piles of presents under the tree and in a sack are from Santa" while me and my sisters and our cousins on mum's side were "the small presents that fit into an (actual) stocking are from Santa" and under the tree are presents from relatives (one present from each person to each person). This was both a tradition and driven by finances I think.

I don't think my mum ever addressed it as such but my theory as a child was: Santa only brings to everyone the same type and size of presents that we get. If children appear to get more it is because they HAVEN'T been good, and their parents are pretending Santa came anyway, so as not to make them sad, but they haven't realised the correct amount of presents. Later I changed that to - if children appear to get more it is because the parents, for some reason of their own, choose to pretend Santa brings more than he actually does and so they add presents in.

Not sure that helps!

Just to point out most the comment where not 'mad' at OP post it was at other posters slagging off the other family that they dont even know saying they're horrible/wrong, that their children are bad and they should change how they do christmas.

No one has the right to demand others change their xmas traditions because they don't agree and it wasnt OP saying they should.

Difficult one to navigate. I’ve never been in that position and trying to think what I’d do if I had.
They know the nice and naughty list doesn’t work on a scale. You are either kind or not and would have to be very very unkind to be on the wrong list and Father Christmas knows exactly what things you’ll like the most even if it’s different to what you think you want.
I wouldn’t be able to fit many more things in the stocking as we have the same stockings every year and they are filled so they look bulging anyway. Big things don’t fit in either. Admittedly we used to have overflow hessian sacks for selection boxes, annuals, puzzles and bigger art crafts stuff that needed replenishing when younger so could have bigger ones of those.
I wouldn’t want to increase the quantity of gifts overall to match the cousins though I would get a few extra and I’d be sorely tempted to go very large with one of those extras if I could think of something in budget for their interests that could also fit in the car. It wouldn’t fit in the stocking or sack though. In my case it would have been a big cardboard colour your own playhouse for the youngest or a teepee for their room and something outdoorsy for the oldest maybe a fully erected tent or an inflatable dinghy fully inflated. I’d drape wrap them in a big sheet with a huge bow.

Cousins' family live 6 hours away so no way we can just visit for afternoon! No other relatives nearby.

We are visiting them at Christmas as otherwise will not see DP's family at all over the festive season or anywhere near either side of it. They are going abroad the day after boxing day for 3 weeks and we can only visit in the school holidays due to the distance. We are both working up until 23rd so cannot go before.

Aside from this one issue everything is ok.

To the PP who asked: yes this exact scenario happened a few years ago and I kick myself for not saying or doing anything at the time. My older DC didn't say anything to me but looked somewhat crestfallen. I know for a fact the cousins still think and say the same (I don't want to get into how I know this - just accept it as fact!). If it's relevant the cousins still like some bigger toys and things like sports equipment, arts and crafts rather than small tech etc.

I think I'm going to begrudgingly bulk out the stockings and have a word with myself next time I agree to this arrangement.

Things like a hooded blanket, board game, football or beach ball (can you still get the scented ones?), large selection box, colouring book and pens, new or pre loved would bulk out their presents but be relatively inexpensive.

Can you or DP speak with the other family and ask about numbers of gifts?
They can't have failed to notice the difference the last time either, you can always blame space in the boot.

Do the cousins then get a lot of gifts from parents as well? Or are yours more likely to have more under the tree to unwrap?

If the 11 year old's actually do believe then they surely won't next year (and regardless I would consider a 12 year old mature enough to expect a bit of empathy from) so personally I'd have put off spending Christmas with them until next year. It's not the end of the world if you don't see them at Christmas.

If it's too late to back out, I'd open stockings in bedrooms.

You should be able to talk to the parents about this.

They are older now and may well have developed more empathy. How old were they last time - 8ish? I hope no one judges me by whatever I said at that age. Even if they were 10, they will have grown up. DP could gently ask your ILs to remind them to be a bit discreet about the disparity.

Remind your DC that different families do Christmas differently and Santa follows each different family's traditions. Your youngest will be fine, they won't be comparing costs and will be much more interested in their own gifts than anyone else's. Hopefully the cousins will get stuff like make up which neither of your children will have a clue about the cost of, or want particularly, and if they do, you can say they are not old enough. I'd be tempted to put plenty of sweets in your eldest's stocking, which can be a big wow factor if they're not normally allowed much. A popcorn maker or board games look like big gifts for not much money (though IME a cheap popcorn maker spits all over the place.)

In my opinion, 11 is old enough to have a casual chat with the older children and without completely blowing the FC thing, explain that they will be having stockings not sacks this year as that's what their little cousins do. Must be pretty difficult to fill sacks for 11 yo anyway as it's already tricky with our nearly 9 year old to fill a stocking. We have to resort to toiletries, socks etc to fill it out.

The most important thing is preserving the magic for the little one/s really and I would understand this as the parent of the older kids, which I currently am in my family.