Managing the end of Christmas with autistic dc

[Bearsporridge]

Ds is autistic and struggles with emotional regulation around Christmas. We have a slow build up, adding decorations a bit at a time in a very predictable way. We use advent calendars both to mark time and because a small gift every day eases the anticipation of the big windfall. We have several relatives who visit in the days after Christmas with gifts so there’s something to look forward to afterwards. And we lean in to the hygge in the days after, use table cloths for meals and just slowly and subtly strip back the Christmas things.

But no matter how we approach it, the time after Christmas is hard. He has to face into returning to school, cold miserable January, and there’s always a big mood crash at some point.

It was manageable when he was smaller, and just needed cuddles and lap time, but as a young teen, when he crashes like this he wants to kill himself. There’s very little support available - cahms won’t help because these suicidal episodes are about emotional regulation/autistic burnout rather than anxiety and depression. The autism services have provided 12 weeks of CBT and a list of numbers to call if he harms himself so we’re effectively on our own.

(Sorry if this is a downer on a lovely board but it’s a very real part of my festive planning.)

He hates taking down the decorations. He’s not involved in doing it as the chaos is overwhelming, but he objects to taking them down at all. I used to wait until they were back at school but I don’t want to tie that up with going to school, as he’s a borderline school refuser.

I’m overthinking this, I know, but I’m also wondering if anyone else has any strategies around this time of year to help dc who struggle with transitions and change?

Take down the decorations, but leave up some soft white fairy lights year round? I find them uplifting as well!

Find a way to lighten and brighten the environment at home? And positive clothing he can wear - like a vivid and warming scarf to and from school maybe?

How would he feel about using a SAD lamp? I need one in winter for actual SAD, perhaps he does too? Have a look at Lumie lamps, especially any refurbished ones as they are much less expensive. Make sure to declare it's for medical use and its VAT free.

If it were me, I simply wouldn't change so much for Christmas. You say he struggles with the decorations going up and coming down. Can you just have minimal decorations? Could you do something in January so that he has something to look forward too?

Do you have to decorate, maybe a very small plain tree so not overly stimulating, and no big crash when it's removed.

We do advent calendars and as above and it's removed the issue almost completely.

It's so hard at times 💐

Surely the answer is to not decorate?

Is your son familiar with the 12 days of Christmas? Could you make a calendar he can use as a countdown so he knows the day tge decorations will come down. Of course it will probably mean decorations etc going up on Christmas Eve but that’s no hardship and it’s what people did for generations until quite recently.

I’ve tried to think of what I’d do with my son under the circumstances and countdowns and calendars always worked for him.

You have been doing a great job OP and this sounds hard. ❤

How old is he? What is he into? I'm sure someone with far more advice will come on, but could there be something in Jan he could look forward to? A night away, trip to a museum (or whatever he is into), train journey or family event? Jan is pretty grim for most people, so its not just him. Its cold, and everyone is paying off their Christmas credit debt! Start a new tradition for your family with something exciting for January. A small gift at the end of the month? Special meal he enjoys?

Shops start Easter things on boxing day! Come Feb- could you have an Easter tree? Coloured blown eggs on a tree, collect a branch in the woods and get him to help paint it and decorate. Add hanging eggs (a bit like a Christmas tree) and maybe a small gift underneath for him?

Do you have to decorate? We have a tree that we decorate but no other decorations. We have fairy lights. You could keep some of those up. When do you put your decorations/tree up and take them down? We tend to do a strict Christmas Eve (maybe a day or two earlier) till Epiphany on 6th Jan. Would a schedule like that help, pushing Christmas well into January, as is traditional? Or swap things into spring decorations? A spring tablecloth etc?

I hate taking down the Christmas decorations and I like to replace all the colour and sparkle with white candles, a few soft white fairy lights, a big bunch of tulips in spring colours, and generally embrace the forthcoming spring rather than just leave the place looking drab. No idea if any of that would help but it works for me.

Actually, traditionally you can leave some decorations and greenery up till Candlemas, which is 2nd February.

Can you create a tradition in January to look forward to. Maybe get him a trip of something he loves as part of his Christmas present but link it to be the next good thing. I suspect the drop is because this massively hyped up thing of Christmas has come to an end so maybe finding a way for it not to end but to wind down slowly might work better. To be honest I life my own life this way too always having something to look forward to so I get where your son is coming from. I have 2 kids with ASD too. It is tricky.

Could you do some kind of reverse advent from Christmas until the day the decorations come down or school restarts? And have something to look forward to on that last day? PP's suggestions of something to look forward to in January are good too.

What about leaving the decorations up until Feb. January is so depressing and at least that way he wouldn’t have to contend with the loss of sparkle as well as a return to school. Or maybe swapping the Christmas decs with something else…. sparkly lights

so many replies, so quickly! Thank you all!

I wish we hadn’t started with the Christmas decorations at all but it’s definitely not an option to not decorate now. I don’t think it’s as much of a problem putting them up now, as when he was little, except that now he knows to expect it in a certain order and would be bothered if it didn’t.

@TheYearOfSmallThings My approach is very similar to yours - but it’s not registering with him. I suppose he doesn’t see Spring as particularly positive.

@GrimmTales a spring table cloth is a good idea - I need to think about the kinds of decorative things that he notices and cares about.

I think I do need to manufacture something nice to look forward to in January - I will have to get my thinking hat on! It’s hard because he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except game, build Lego and re-read “safe” books.

Maybe saving up towards a Lego set (they release a new collection- in Jan) as a sort of reverse advent might be an option.

Dh's uncle used to send our dc book tokens for Christmas. Dh would always take the dc to a book shop to spend the tokens on the first Saturday after they went back to school. Something like that?

@Dilbertian thats a great idea, thank you!

My ds is autistic and both loves Christmas and finds it overwhelming. He copes by sticking to a set pattern. No decorations go up before December 1st and all decorations get put away on the same day- 12th night, which is after school goes back, so he's got the rubbish feeling of going back to school out the way, whilst the lights are still there for him to enjoy the first few days of school.

I either have to put them away when he is at school or his dad takes him out if 12th night falls on a weekend. He can't cope with being there when it's done. But the ripping the plaster off, all in one go is best for him.

We also tend to have a few new year treats to help him cope with the darker days, things he enjoys that get him out of the house, cina trip or a session at the local board game cafe.

My friends son is also autistic and he can't cope with the decorations going. She has now worked out that he can cope with the main bulk of them going, apart from one small tree in the playroom and this is kept up all year, but decorate for the seasons/events of the year- Easter/Spring/Autumn- anything her son is currently interested in. Changes into a birthday tree on family members birthdays etc....

Hope you find something that works for your son. It's so hard when they love something but also find it overwhelming. My son has been known to miss days of school in November because neighbours have turned there decorations on before December and in his mind, that's not correct and he just completely shuts down.

It's such a hard situation I feel for you.

My DD can no longer cope with the decorations going up at all apart from one little tree that sits in the window and is decorated for the season (currently has little mushrooms, acorns, squirrels, hedgehogs and leaves on it)

She apparently doesn't want an advent calendar this year as she can't cope with the big build up it really stresses her out and she sleeps even less than usual which isn't much in the first place!

I'm not sure what to do this year. I was thinking possibly having Christmas at the start of December with family and she can open her presents then.

As you say that your son likes Lego, how about getting a Lego advent calendar for January? It may help make Jan a bit easier/enjoyable for him? You could even get a couple?

I was going to say it really depends on age, but I see you've said teenager.

My younger one with ASD we just have to ride the waves of meltdowns and severe agitation, and have other activities planned/booked/ready to help distract her.

My older one with ASD, a teen, we found that having her room as her calm zone helps. She has the LED strip lights around her room, a big notice board that we regularly change depending on season and what we have done which I think helps her alot with those transitional changes and helps her focus on other positive things. We also like to get her involved with planning days out or cooking, which is a good distraction. She likes to make a menu and plan a meal, and cook it, set the table and have (positive) feedback.

Might help to think of the year as being full of festivals - with Xmas as the high point but lots of other, smaller peaks Italians have the Befana on 6 January - a witch brings small presents, you can make 'coal' sweets, there's a song to lear, lego Rome. Then 23 January is Chinese New Year (paper dragons, fireworks, parades, lego Shanghai Architecture). The Druidic Calendar gives you 8 festivals neatly spaced throughout the year, with lots of outdoors and nature.

what about buying an extra advent calendar and keeping it for January. Whatever your son is into - Lego? Books? Speciality Sweets? Maybe it would take an effort, especially if you had to curate it yourself, but would the trade off be worth it? Something to look forward to.

I hugely empathise because by 10yo has classic autism. He doesn’t have the issues you’re describing, but has many, many others, and I am always looking ahead to try and manage things that I know will arise in the coming weeks/months.

Just to add - I've found the time after Xmas quite difficult the last couple of years. The Yoga with Adrienne start of the year 30 days was surprisingly helpful.

My German friend introduced me to :

Decorations up til carnival in feb (by which time you really are ready to take them down)

Skiing in Jan/feb

Transformed that time of year for me....

So basically something to look forward to

@SusiePevensie I do wonder how much the last couple of years have contributed to it. I’ve found them hard too (and generally I love January) - ds has a way of intensifying and magnifying these things.

The Lego advent calendar could be a good shout. He always struggles to choose just one, so that could be a nice win in January.

Does he have decorations in his own room? Can he control when (and if) they come down? Perhaps having a private Christmas zone during January might help?