Managing the end of Christmas with autistic dc

[Bearsporridge]

Ds is autistic and struggles with emotional regulation around Christmas. We have a slow build up, adding decorations a bit at a time in a very predictable way. We use advent calendars both to mark time and because a small gift every day eases the anticipation of the big windfall. We have several relatives who visit in the days after Christmas with gifts so there’s something to look forward to afterwards. And we lean in to the hygge in the days after, use table cloths for meals and just slowly and subtly strip back the Christmas things.

But no matter how we approach it, the time after Christmas is hard. He has to face into returning to school, cold miserable January, and there’s always a big mood crash at some point.

It was manageable when he was smaller, and just needed cuddles and lap time, but as a young teen, when he crashes like this he wants to kill himself. There’s very little support available - cahms won’t help because these suicidal episodes are about emotional regulation/autistic burnout rather than anxiety and depression. The autism services have provided 12 weeks of CBT and a list of numbers to call if he harms himself so we’re effectively on our own.

(Sorry if this is a downer on a lovely board but it’s a very real part of my festive planning.)

He hates taking down the decorations. He’s not involved in doing it as the chaos is overwhelming, but he objects to taking them down at all. I used to wait until they were back at school but I don’t want to tie that up with going to school, as he’s a borderline school refuser.

I’m overthinking this, I know, but I’m also wondering if anyone else has any strategies around this time of year to help dc who struggle with transitions and change?

Could you focus more on the seasons and have winter decorations which come down at the start of spring?

I don't have experience with autism but I struggle with seasonal depression as well as a couple of learning difficulties which make transitions hard, and I find that marking the seasons helps.

For example, we just had the autumn equinox so we put out our blankets and slippers and booties etc. We will now eat by candle light from now until spring. For the winter solstice we gradually make the home wintry and magical, but there's no reason why lanterns/fairy lights/winter bedding etc can't stay around until spring comes - then it's about welcoming spring.

I often struggled after Christmas and for me it was because of the continued dark nights. Ia there an aspect of seasonal depression?

Boots! Not my entire family wearing booties!

One suggestion to ease the decoration side, keep the tree (would need to be artificial) with just white lights up until candlemas (2nd feb) along with greenery/natural decorations like cones and holly. It's very traditional and practiced in many countries.

I would also think about which elements of Christmas he's really enjoying, eg you mentioned table cloths - why not start a new tradition to go to the supermarket and buy a new table cloth after new year plus napkins to change from Christmas to winter season. Let him choose a couple of candles for the table too perhaps or mantelpiece

Not sure how helpful this is, but one year, when the decorations came down, my son took a string of lights and his favourite tree decorations and put them up in his room. They stayed there all year. I did agree with him straightaway that he only had them on loan and once next Christmas came around, the decorations were going to go back on the tree. I bought extra lights so he could keep the fairy lights in his room.

I have two autistic dc. Christmas decorations only go up once school is finished so around the 21st Dec and are down before New Year so there is something else to look forward to. We have a much shorter Christmas period and keep it very simple low key. I actually think that by prolonging it with gifts everyday etc it's harder. Short and sweet is what we do here with clear boundaries as to when it stops.

Dc with ASD here. We take our decs down early, stage it slowly, cards one day, then other stuff next day, then tree the day after.

We designate special treats to have daily after school each day for the first two weeks back. So there is something to look forward to at the end of each day - we usually have leftover Xmas things to give. Plan something nice with a friend the first weekend back.

We have a golden rule of a 4 day “safe space” at the end of each holiday. Those days we stay calm, no exciting days out, lots of time spent with them. No late nights, no visitors.

We don’t have it all down to a fine art as Xmas isn’t easy for our dc either. But the above helps.

Everyone’s autistic in my home. I’m a natural introvert so endless days of socialising would leave me worn out and in a bad mood. I can’t stand clutter so I take the decorations down on Boxing Day. My autistic husband is the opposite and would leave the decorations up until Jan and would happily spend day after day visiting with relatives.

You say your child focuses on the decorations, could this be because it’s the only thing he has any kind of control over? Does he actually enjoy the socialising?

Im conscious that first and foremost he’s a person, what does he do day-to-day to regulate his emotions? I find exercising regular is key

There are some really lovely ideas here for easing past Christmas and into January.

Love the idea of removing colour and shifting to white lights and candles. We have a twig tree we keep up which provides some sparkle after the tree and decorations go.

Also the idea of some other rituals - book token spent on first weekend back to school. That's so nice.

I was wondering about peppering January with some nice activities - maybe Christmas gifts that can then be booked in January. As my kids get older gift vouchers for pizza express etc and the cinema are very welcome. Shopping trip to spend Christmas money.

Could be some activities at home maybe invite some friends for a film/quiz/board game nights? Cinema or bowling trip at the end of the month?

Checking out deals on groupon or other local offers which can be booked in advance - exhibitions, museums or national trust type places? Maybe into February...

My brother is autistic and had similar issues- his would start in the run up to new years and run through most of January. He would have a much higher rate of incidents in that time and also his mood dropped and he became much more reactive to things that he would otherwise be able to manage.
He also loved christmas- loved the decorations and stuff so its not something we wanted to stop for him.

We did stop having a 'Christmas Day' though- were not religious so that stuff didnt matter and we spread all the activities out so there was no one big day with the pressure for him and then a drop off of everything.

When we did stuff like take down the christmas tree we replaced it with something different - so it wasn't just a blank space- we put stuff in that corner that he liked. We circulate his preffered ones now hes older- they are a massive lava lamp, a small world model that he loved fiddling with, a spring tree (its like a bare fake tree with pom poms and pink lights on) and a small garden fountain that lights up. They mean that be doesn't get stressed by the room being "wonky" after the tree goes and he likes interacting with those things so he stays in the living room with family more- which protects and elevated his mood.

Our house is weirdly well lit- sad lamps and sunset lamps and multiple light sources in every room- we keep fairy lights in the living room year round and his room has those colour changing bulbs so he can alter the light in there. That helped.

We used to make school in January more fun- he usually got something for his bike or his scooter for christmas (helmet, wheel lights, big horn, new grip tape etc)and a key ring to go on his bag in his stocking. He would be excited to get to use them.

He also likes the new years resolution thing- his is normally centered around walking the dog in a new place everyday or swimming.
Gives him a new focus that he has to do everyday. When he was 16 we did new place to ride a bike every day, he liked taking videos of it and showing them to people- we have 130 hours of cycling footage on hard drives and he still likes watching them back.

@JSDLS - that's a really good point. Finding the things that help ground or regulate emotions and doing them regularly.

Would focusing on other celebrations Burns night or Chinese New Year help? Where there might be the opportunity to put up some different decorations - learning what year for Chinese it will be and what it means? Year of the rabbit in 2023.

On the brilliant suggetion of continuing festivals throughout the year theme by posters upthread, there are free age appropriate downloadables from Twinkl
festivals and celebrations calendar 2022/2023 uk

A more religious take from Interfaith
www.interfaith.org.uk/resources/religious-festivals

UK only
projectbritain.com/index/festivals.htm

All of them though give what I think is a great overview, that all of these things form a cycle. It's not about one event that starts and stops which makes transitions difficult, they are more of a flow between one into the next. (Like a continuous now, next and then chart)

A nature based one is the Wheel of the Year thecelticjourney.wordpress.com/the-celts/wheel-of-the-year/

If you want to reinforce the idea of cycles of things over time, maybe he'd be interested in moonphases. Now the nights are darker, he can look at the moon outside every night and see how it slowly waxes and wanes in a continuous cycle.

A few years ago I had plans to be more aware of the seasons and the events and festivals that happen throughout the year.
I bought a lovely little children's almanac that goes through month by month what festivals and events take place, what plants and animals to look out for etc and it had things suggested that you could do throughout the year.
Unfortunately that year was 2020 so my plans got a tad messed up (🤣 thanks covid) but there is a 2023 edition out for next year.
Maybe he might enjoy having an event to be heading towards each month.
It was this book.

What about not mentioning taking them down at all. Then one day as the days/weeks pass, he may mention it himself?

I was going to suggest a small tree in his room too.

I’m doing battery operated fairy light Christmas ones then go a different four through the spring then orange next autumn.by the tv I think so as dark night are in there’s always lights.

Ask him how he'd like Christmas to be?? We have several autistic children and adult children and they're all different and al have different views on Xmas. Eldest absolutely CAN NOT do surprises and so she writes a list of presents that I buy and wrap up and she then opens on Xmas day. 2 will only eat pasta so they have pasta for Xmas lunch as they would normally. Decs aren't really a focus of problem for any of ours now, although one was terrified of Santa and so we couldn't do anything where she would see Santa and we told her at 2 that Santa wasn't real - none of the kids younger than her have been told Santa is real. But as always communication is the key and working out with the autistic child themselves what will work best. I would add though that CBT unless done with specialist in autism does not work for autistic people.

Lego advent calendars you can also buy complete ones second hand on eBay, buy a wooden advent type thing from Hobbycraft and make a January calendar. I think leaving one tree up and decorating it for different seasons sounds lovely if he thinks that will help.

I live in Poland and the period after Christmas is called carnival....they have parties and fancy dress until lent. They also keep decorations up until this date.

Could you try to big up New Year and try to get some friends to help celebrate? Look for traditions from around the world, for New Year and incorporate them

Some people spread opening the presents. It would be nice to make it the 12 days of Christmas.

We may get snow in January, which will be nice for feeding the birds with feeders and building snowmen. I had a similar issue with my son and frantically searched for old fashioned days to celebrate - forgotten traditions. There surely used to be more Saints Days and accompanying celebrations.

I think what is good about Christmas for children with ASD is the structure of the customs. Maybe planting and growing seeds might replicate those routines and yield some nice surprises when things grow. I guess it will be Chinese New Year not that long after Christmas.

Regulation is definitely something to think about. Our exercise options taper off a bit in the bad weather and he’s just grown out of all the little tips and tricks that worked when he was smaller. I definitely need to up my game there.

so many really great suggestions - I’m so grateful for all of them, and for sharing your own experiences and your dc’s. It all helps. Thank you!

Let him have coloured fairy lights in his room all year round (or as long as he wants them). If he's got a Lego City or whatever set up could he have an extra little polybag toy every day of January to add to it as something to look forward to when he gets home? If you do Christmas plates or mugs then have a New Year version? Something to be a definite transition into January but which can be stopped at the end of Jan when it doesn't feel so dark and he's got half-term to look forward to.