Very Challenging To Buy For

[ValleyClouds]

I have to buy Christmas and Birthday for this person in December.
Buying for them will be the third year this year. Female, 50s, own disposable income, so basically buys herself whatever, fussy. Anything remotely resembling voucher, experience or charity gift would go down very badly. Not my MIL but somebody who helps me significantly throughout the year. Just not buying is not an option.

Year 1 she got a book and a bottle of wine. She did not say thank you, I don't think she was impressed with the book, felt like a misfire.

Year 2 she got a premium range perfume and a good bottle of wine as an extra thank you from me for putting herself out. She did not say thank you.

I'm not talking like that I expect gratuitous grovelling for gifts, certainly not, I'm talking lack of basic manners.

I have wondered if it is in part that she does all the giving in her family, all her DC drain her for money and expensive items, and her eldest grandchild does the same now. Very spoilt. Yet they put no real effort into gifts for her, but I do, and I've slightly psychoanalysed it as misplaced resentment, that I put effort in to get her nice gifts and it should be her DC but they don't.

Due to the sheer lack of feedback I've had from her, I have no idea what tack to take next. We see a lot of each other, but for the first time I've been left stumped. I do care about this person, and she does deserve the thought, but in this area she frustrates me so much.

Thoughts?

My thoughts are don’t bother in future if they can’t muster a thank you. However I hate getting gifts, never liked it and I feel really miffed when people give me stuff and I am expected to be thankful for stuff I didn’t ask for and I hate ‘stuff’ too (hope that makes sense). If you feel you must get something would an experience or voucher for something work? Not necessarily a spa day but a manicure/treatment or sport session/training if they are into exercise? Maybe something out of their comfort zone if you know them well? Ask them what/if they would like something?

I just can't imagine her wanting to do many of the experience type things, and think she would be offended by the monetary aspect of a voucher.

Would she appreciate a house plant or something for the garden? A decent statement plant not a £10 orchid from the supermarket.
A quality purse
Premium hand cream, body lotion
Bouquet of flowers
Any interests that you can think of? Magazine subscription?
Im in my 50’s and I’d also hate experience days but I would be happy with any of the above plus a cast iron shallow casserole dish 😊

What about a monthly flower subscription?

Can't believe people don't say thank you for gifts, even if they don't like them, it's the thought that counts etc.

I think books and perfume are a bit hit and miss as to whether people will like them to be honest unless you know for sure it's one of their favourite perfumes or a book they don't already have/would definitely enjoy.

I'd love to receive wine, gin, Baileys, port. But not Whisky or brandy or dark rum.

I'd appreciate a lovely plant pot (but plain, not highly decorated); an outdoor planter; a houseplant or a shrub.

I like matching shower gel and body lotion - somehow this feels less risky than perfume.

I'd love a voucher for a facial or a massage, but don't like cookery lessons or rally car type experiences.

Oh, and another lovely present I had one year was a beautiful Christmas planter, given a couple of weeks before so we had them as a Christmas decoration in the run up. M&S usually really reliable for those. There are some lovely bouquets around at that time too.

It's a minefield OP. It could well be that your recipient has loved your presents but just doesn't feel the need to say thank you. V rude IMO .

i'm late 59s and would love cashmere jumper or cardi -
easy for her to change too if she doesn't like it

Sleek and stylish, practical and eco-friendly bamboo/cork sleeve glass water bottle?

(You can never have enough reusable drinking water bottles!)

ecobravo.co.uk/products/reusable-glass-water-bottle-cork-sleeve-bamboo-lid

Heated shawl or throw?

(Everyone's going to appreciate them this winter...)

She is in her 50s- not 90s! Why would she want a heated throw?

The ageism on MN its unbelievable at times

You can have too many water bottles- they are meant to save the planets resources not destroy them by everyone have 42 each! Anyone who wants one and uses one will already have one. (plus is this honestly a gift that would bring joy?)

Lets wait for the wrist wraps and cashmere socks, lovely scarf, hand cream, paper diary and notelets that always come up on these threads for anyone over 50.

What does she actually like?

Does she actually drink alcohol?

You say you put effort into presents, but do you? Booze is pretty generic!

How is it even possible for someone NOT to say thank you? How were these gifts handed over? Did you leave it on the doorstep? Get someone else to drop it off? Post it? If you physically handed over a gift bag/wrapped present - the automatic response is 'oh thank you'. Or even 'oh you shouldn't have' Are you saying they were mute and non communicative?

I say this as a good neighbour if mine was 'Not a thank you - nothing'. But the recipients did say thank you and gushed over the wrapping paper (saw it with my own eyes), what they failed to do was contact her to say thank you AFTER they had opened it. Could that be the case here?

Just a thought, this person clearly means something to you, you say she helps out. Perhaps ask her - say, you will buy something anyway as a token of thanks, so it may as well be something she likes.

MiddleAgedTraveller So very true about over 5O's gifts. It's always the same, scarfs, gloves, hand cream. I'm over 50 I would like - tickets to Chanel exhibition at V&A. Tiffany Silver Cuff, Subscription to Elle Deco, some high end face care (okayed by Cruelty free Kitty), a modern vegan cookbook and the Minnie Driver autobiography,

How about a nice candle Jo Malone or Diptique?

or high end serum from drunk elephant, kiehls etc

does she wear makeup? A nice lip oil or balm?

p.s I’m in my 20s and would love a heated throw 😂

Why is not buying not an option? It doesn't sound like she appreciates the effort and if you're giving her things she doesn't want, you're causing annoyance and probably guilt for her because you've given her something she now needs to get rid of or use/look at/store and pretend to like for the sake of social niceties.

What about flowers or a seasonal plant, or just a nice bottle of gin/fizz? A home made Christmas cake and a truckle of Wensleydale.

Or a card expressing your thanks for the help she gives you and how much it means to you? Or literally nothing, she might actually prefer that.

Some posh tea/coffee/hot choc/cordial??

What hobbies does she have??

Plus a handwritten card letting her know how much you appreciate her and referring to a find memory you have of her from the past year

Fond. Not find. 🥴

My MIL (late 50s) described her heated blanket as "the most useful present anyone's ever got her". I have one and I'm in my 30s. I don't think it's an age-inappropriate suggestion tbf

How is all the giving and opening done? If you open gifts together and she just puts yours aside without saying thanks, that’s awful. Otoh if she’s just bad at writing thank you cards, that’s more forgivable.

what sort of thing does she give you?

I agree

I always say that I want nothing and I do find it frustrating when people waste their money on stuff for me that I don’t want or need.

I have the money to buy what I want and have a less is more outlook these days. Wine is particularly hard to get rid of as an unwanted gift as food banks don’t all take it,

I find it quite disrespectful that people ignore your wishes and make it all about them as a giver rather than the wishes of the recipient

I live in a flat where every single item has been selected with care as there is no room for anything that does not bring pleasure

I have decluttered too many houses post death to want to wish that on my children. 200 candles for someone who only used a candle in a power cut. All thoughtless wasted gifts

I like the lovely thoughtful handwritten card idea. That's all I would want.

Here's what I don't want:
wine (I'm already fat and it destroys my sleep)
chocolates (see above)
vouchers (it adds an obligation to go somewhere)
candles (only use them in a power cut)
cheap throws, blankets, cushions (I'm very particular about decor haha) - VERY high end stuff then fine

Difficult to suggest without knowing more about her and your relationship. I also get the don't get her anything argument. Your posts suggest she's a little snooty about the gifts. Could you take her somewhere for lunch/dinner on you?

Maybe just a token present like bespoke chocolates - I have given these in the past which were welcomed www.chocolatesofglenshiel.com/.

Or just some nice body creams and soaps www.highlandsoaps.com/ or www.latherandsmudge.com/.

I use these as an opportunity to support smaller businesses.

Exactly @PremiumPiglet and @Watchthesunrise.

Many of us can and do buy what we want when we want (within reason) and if we don't have it, it's because we don't want it, otherwise we would have bought it already.

Also when other people buy us things, you're denying us being able to have/use/wear things of our own choosing.

So many times I've found myself looking at gloves, mugs or candles in shops and thought 'I like to buy that' but then not felt able to because I have an item of that type that I was bought as a gift.

And I know I could just give gifts to charity shops, and I have done in the past, but then you feel guilt at not liking something and worry that the giver will notice that you don't have the item they gave you. Plus they've effectively given you a job to do.

Soap perhaps- everyone uses soap
Body cream etc - no not everyone uses it

All the Other junk - no - it might be well chosen and thoughtful to you but that would just show me how little you know me ( I have aunts like this , bless their socks but they just don't get me at all )

I Wouldn't buy for anyone who couldn't say thanks 🤷‍♀️

I would just send nice flowers or a planter and not over think it.