Very Challenging To Buy For

[ValleyClouds]

I have to buy Christmas and Birthday for this person in December.
Buying for them will be the third year this year. Female, 50s, own disposable income, so basically buys herself whatever, fussy. Anything remotely resembling voucher, experience or charity gift would go down very badly. Not my MIL but somebody who helps me significantly throughout the year. Just not buying is not an option.

Year 1 she got a book and a bottle of wine. She did not say thank you, I don't think she was impressed with the book, felt like a misfire.

Year 2 she got a premium range perfume and a good bottle of wine as an extra thank you from me for putting herself out. She did not say thank you.

I'm not talking like that I expect gratuitous grovelling for gifts, certainly not, I'm talking lack of basic manners.

I have wondered if it is in part that she does all the giving in her family, all her DC drain her for money and expensive items, and her eldest grandchild does the same now. Very spoilt. Yet they put no real effort into gifts for her, but I do, and I've slightly psychoanalysed it as misplaced resentment, that I put effort in to get her nice gifts and it should be her DC but they don't.

Due to the sheer lack of feedback I've had from her, I have no idea what tack to take next. We see a lot of each other, but for the first time I've been left stumped. I do care about this person, and she does deserve the thought, but in this area she frustrates me so much.

Thoughts?

A box of those chocolates shaped like bumholes.

Sooty handpuppet. Or Sweep - that one has a squeaky paw.

6 pack variety of mini cereals.

Footstool in the shape of a cow/sheep/favourite animal.

Oxfam goat.

I think we need more info op. How has she supported you? Is there a charity or business offering similar that you could support as an acknowledgment of her efforts?
what about anything home made? Do you cook or craft?
what are her values? Is she an environmentalist? Supporting abused women? Cat mad? Could you do something to promote causes she believes in like adopting a leopard??!
also hobbies and problems. Does she drink? Garden? Cook? Play dungeons and dragons???
share a bit more and we can help more

What is in her house? Pay attention to brands next time you're there. Look in her toiletries cupboard!

Everyone uses bodywashes/ shampoos, just buy high end ones.

Buy her whatever she bought you last year.

This

I'm 51. I really don't think my age defines me. I still do most of the same sports I did in my 20s. The token of appreciation I value most is a handwritten card with a letting that says "you are awesome". I got it when I retired as a Cub leader last year. The family who gave it to me are also awesome.

I don't drink a lot, I'm sensitive to a lot of skin and bath products, I'm fussy about clothes, I have plenty of mugs..,,, but knowing that the time and effort I have dedicated for several years, in person and online, has made a difference to someone is, well, in the words of Mastercard - priceless.

Just agree a reciprocal no presents rule and cut this shit out of your life.

not age-ism but common sense... unless she is rich then cheap heating items are going to be a godsend this winter.

By the way I have had a heated throw since I was 20 (nothing to do with age), I have 1 hot water bottle (actually need more as we are a family of 5) but Im interested in other warming appliences.

Where I live it gets so cold our toilet water freezes in the pipes so it's really bizaare you think being warm is an ageist issue not an all people can get cold issue.

I can only assume you have never had to actually worry about heating during winter.

The post starts with she has her own disposable income and can buy what she wants!

She doesn't sound like someone who is going to be wrapped up in a hot water bottle as she cant pay the gas bill.

To answer a few questions :

What does she do for you?

I'm disabled and she does me good turns

What does she buy you

Very similar to what I buy her. I've had a book, perfume etc

Why isn't not buying an option ?

Hard to explain, suggestion would give offence I think and she would probably still buy for me regardless which would be mortifying

Does she REALLY not thank you?

Really seriously. She goes away for her birthday, and then I don't see her Christmas week, so presents are exchanged without opening. I text over Christmas and say Thank You etc etc and get "Glad you liked it" with no mention of hers or no response at all. I ended up asking after one gift months later Did she like it? and got "yes, yes I did yeah" I don't know why Thank You is so hard for her

As it goes, this thread is redundant now because I just bit the bullet and asked her today, and got a suggestion, so I am sorted. Alls well that ends well.

What was the suggestion?

Specific book genre.

Oh and I forgot to add in response to someone : She definitely loves wine!

The richest people I know are the tightest.

I know a few people with a fortune in disposible income that are frugal with the gas and have been for decades, why do you think they HAVE so much money to begin with.

I also know the ones I know (like my uncle) love a new jumper or hat.

Does she say thank you when you hand her the wrapped gift?

Gifts dont require multiple thank yous, I would thank someone when they give me it, I wouldn't then text them when I open it, then bring it up in person to discuss it when I see them.... its awfully drawn out.

One thank you upon recieving it (regardless of what it is or how much you like it) is enough, it seems very OTT to expect people to contact you multiple time for multiple thank yous and kind of feels like people expect others to gush about it but thats so awkward and wierd.

I would rather not have a gift than have one when the giver is expecting me to behave in a certain way and badmouthing me if I don't.

My mam is terrible for this, example: she bought be a bottle of Gin right before I got pregnant then hounded me for a year and a half on why I hadnt't drank it yet (erm, pregnancy and a newborn) but my lack of use was seen as a personal snub to her gift. I got so sick of the hounding that one night I drank the whole thing then got hounded for wasting it instead of savoring it and how inapropriate that was.

Thats just 1 example but she manages it with everything and anything all my life, no matter what I say its never good enough and she'll tell people it wasnt appreciated and she wasnt 'thanked' even though she was to the point I actively avoid talking about gifts with anyone now.

I give gifts often but with the view that I get nothing out of it, including words ('yeah, thanks' is more than enough) and I dont expect anyone to have to express wordy gratitude for what is a basic social action to show you care.

I have said repeatedly that I mean zero thank you. I mean zero thank you including indirect. Adding allsorts of scenario based "but she musts" doesn't change it.

If she likes wine then that’s a good one to stick too if you know what’s she likes. The Christmas planter definitely sounds nice or a fancy hamper something like fortnum and masons.

DH has a BIL who doesn’t say thank you, he’s extremely wealthy, can buy what he wants, drops £20k on business suits without blinking. Every gift we’ve got him has been cheap but well thought out. We assume he’s grateful as SIL says thanks and tells us he likes them.

I'm sure I read that Fortnums are stopping hampers this year. Otherwise a good shout.

At some point you have to let it go and tell yourself you've done your best and it's her problem not yours. Keep giving her nice gifts that you've put thought into and ignore the lack of thanking. You've done your bit.

For Christmas I'd send a beautiful Christmas centrepiece or side table display from a local flower shop, if you can organise it. Unless you know she isnt going to be home for the whole of Xmas ?eg staying with family or off skiing for a fortnight!). She can always regift it to a neighbour.

For her birthday I would get her something small that picks up on an interest or shared experience you both have. If you don't know her well enough for that, then I'd go with a small luxury item. I would be with a pot of my favourite hot chocolate powder, a nice candle and a small box of chocolates. Sure I could have bought the items myself but I loved the fact someone wanted to pamper me a little bit.

A new silk pillowcase is often a winner too if you cannot think of anything else.

www.finecheese.co.uk/shine-a-light-cheese-cake
cheese birthday cake?

amazing orchid in planter
amazing flower bouquet

mini hamper with a little cake in, small bottle of fizz, nice snacks

joint birthday and Christmas present of 6 half bottles of champagne - adnams is particularly good and excellent value at £13.99 - to drink at random moments. Makes a great treat present.
adnams.co.uk/products/adnams-champagne-brut-half-bottle?variant=40508938158259&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gclid=CjwKCAjwsMGYBhAEEiwAGUXJaXunWbj6Xtaou22X9GM3TcjsnAwwaUJEzXDTyUypQAN8opzkE9aThxoCj4AQAvD_BwE

go to good craft shop - some small but clearly well made item

Turtle doves hand/wrist warmers. Made from soft cashmere feel luxurious

Save me from these!

They are great, but I think I've got about 6 pairs now!