Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

If you spent time and effort on others...

26 replies

CharityDingle · 28/12/2021 10:04

...whether having them to stay, or buying beautiful, thoughtful gifts, and were not impressed with guest behaviour and/ or received a bunch of wilted flowers in return, what will you do next time?

It's a recurrent theme on here. 'I bought DH/ other family member something I knew they would love, spent hours researching online and so on. He/ they gave me a pack of loo roll in return'.

Yes, I know you don't give to receive and all that, but most of us are human and understandably (imo) feel hurt about stuff like this. So, what if anything will you do differently?
I gave up on one sibling, tired of her acting as though I handed her a bag of dog crap. Got her a voucher this year (I personally like getting vouchers) and that's what I will do from now on.

OP posts:
2me2u2u2me · 28/12/2021 10:16

My best friend used to be good at buying me presents and now they’re always pretty crap, just not me at all. I always put thought into hers and feel I get her nice gifts.

I want to stop buying for each other now and am trying to come up with what to say so we can!

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 28/12/2021 10:17

I hope there are folks in A&E having an Andrex removed from an orifice right now...

Squirrelblanket · 28/12/2021 10:21

I gave up trying to get interesting, thoughtful gifts a couple of years ago. All the adults I still buy for, with exception of my mum and husband, now get a bottle of their favourite spirit. Easy to buy, wrap, store. Job's a good 'un. Grin

Caka2 · 28/12/2021 10:31

Yes, I have had it over the years. I always put alot of effort into family members kids pressies and when I had kids from a number of family members I did not receive a thing apart from one relative for one year which was a £5 post office gift card.
Once this happened with my children I rethought everything. I don't buy or even have much contact with a number of these people and make an effort for a chosen few. My decision isn't based on finances - I do have relatives that dont buy presents and it is due to their financial circumstances but they make alot of effort in other ways.
I encourage my children to make things to give as presents to close family who we see on xmas day. I bake a cake as a gesture to the neighbours as I feel that I get more from them then from some family and so am happy to give.

I feel so much better in making my judgement on whether someone is worthy of a present or attention based upon their own behaviour

MLJT · 28/12/2021 20:59

Hi, I totally relate. Already posted on mumsnet today. We all know it's not the amount you spend on a person - but the effort (or lack of it). My christmas experience - buying presents for the partners of siblings who we never see or meet but honour their 'relationship' with our sibling by buying for them. Niece and nephew (one from both sides of our family) are both adults in their mid twenties with partners and they are working (I am unemployed). Took an industrial bag full of presents for a 9 hour drive to Scotland. BIL and niece knew we would be staying there for 4 days and came round my Mother-in-laws house to pick up our presents including ones given from my mother in London. No effort to buy a £2 box of chocolates from the local garage after boxing day. Gave MIL and FIL beforehand which my husband said was sneaky so as to avoid bringing their presents to the house in front of us. Niece has never sent a card or present to me or my husband (her biological Uncle). I've not confronted them - my mother-in-law is ill. However I was also embarrassed by my father-in-law was talking in front of everyone to my mother in law about 'how much' he should give my family (she said give them a tenner each!). I said it's okay, not to worry etc. BIL and niece staring at me while they stuff their faces. Next year it is parents and small children. I'll make it clear that we don't want anything so everyone (politely knows where we stand) as I am not giving these ignorant family members the power to make me feel upset.

Original poster
CharityDingle · 29/12/2021 10:30

@Squirrelblanket

I gave up trying to get interesting, thoughtful gifts a couple of years ago. All the adults I still buy for, with exception of my mum and husband, now get a bottle of their favourite spirit. Easy to buy, wrap, store. Job's a good 'un. Grin
Good thinking! Grin
OP posts:
TwinkleTwinkleLittleStarFightr · 29/12/2021 11:58

I used to carefully plan, buy and wrap for SIL and her kids.

For the first time ever, last year I witnessed them unwrapping presents.

They just tore through things and tossed them to one side. They literally threw things across the room declaring “No, not interested”. These are mid to older teens, not toddlers.

Given they had no clue even who got which present, let alone who it was from, I decided this year that cash was the way to go.

FinallyHere · 29/12/2021 15:26

cash was the way to go

We give cash to the subsequent generations, and just a token ( decent bottle) for BiL.

When I went to university, my parents gave me the bank book of the cash gifts they had received from relatives, starting at my christening. It was a very welcome source of occasional treats and solutions to what might otherwise have been much more serious troubles in my student years.

Much more useful than another unwanted present in younger days.

crazyjinglist · 29/12/2021 15:54

This is why we only buy for family and we all give (helpfully hinting but not too prescriptive) wish lists. Yes it would be nice to think that everyone amongst your nearest and dearest had the imagination and consideration to think of something themselves that they know you would like, but in reality this isn't the case. Wish lists take a lot of the difficulty out of buying presents!

PIL don't do or ask for wish lists, and they used to be very hit-and-miss with what they bought me and the dc, but they gradually got the hang of what we like!

liltreasuretree · 29/12/2021 16:06

I sent Christmas presents to BILs kids in the post nearly two weeks before Christmas. Never heard if they'd received them so I messaged him after a week to ask if they got there ok. He replied yes they've got them and he thought we would just exchange gifts when we meet up (they are a few hours drive from us) but there are no plans in place to meet. He didn't bother sending my kids anything for Christmas.
Annoyed that I rushed around sorting presents for his children and spent £10 on delivery via Royal Mail and barely got a thank you

Original poster
CharityDingle · 29/12/2021 16:30

@liltreasuretree

I sent Christmas presents to BILs kids in the post nearly two weeks before Christmas. Never heard if they'd received them so I messaged him after a week to ask if they got there ok. He replied yes they've got them and he thought we would just exchange gifts when we meet up (they are a few hours drive from us) but there are no plans in place to meet. He didn't bother sending my kids anything for Christmas. Annoyed that I rushed around sorting presents for his children and spent £10 on delivery via Royal Mail and barely got a thank you
You know what to do next time Wink
OP posts:
ChristmasRobins · 29/12/2021 16:33

They just tore through things and tossed them to one side. They literally threw things across the room declaring “No, not interested”. These are mid to older teens, not toddlers

I find this really shocking.

FoxInABox · 29/12/2021 17:36

No longer buying for Dsis and her family. Not reciprocated and not so much as a thank you text. I have taken birthday presents which were taken from me at the doorstep & sent cards etc throughout the year, yet she couldn’t even send my dc a birthday card. She has gone increasingly low contact with all the extended family as her adult daughter likes to start the most random arguments then block family members, Dsis has never ever told her off or pulled her up on her behaviour even as a child. I have come to realise and accept that this will be our relationship now- very low contact with her once in a while joining in the family chat. Her other DC are lovely so it is a real shame, I feel sorry that they are losing out on time with extended family. I am hoping to try and maintain some sort of relationship with them but at same time don’t want to put them in an awkward position.

senorafridgidaire · 29/12/2021 18:05

I now buy for DH, DM, Ddog and baby DN only. Teenage DNs get a tenner in a card and I expect, and get, zero thanks. The last year I spent a fortune on thoughtful gifts for DB, SIL and their DCs, and DH and we got a crappy bottle of wine in return was the year I stopped - they are considerably better off than us financially as well.

beautifullymad · 29/12/2021 19:27

I buy for others because I love them. Not because I expect gifts in return.
It's a bit like lending money, you don't lend money you give money. If you get it back it's a bonus.

BerthaBlythe · 29/12/2021 22:02

I suit myself and I do the bits that I enjoy doing anyway.

It suits me to host for various reasons, and there are aspects of it that I enjoy. I don’t need anything in return.

With gifts I put more effort in where it is appreciated. In one particular case I just fulfil the necessary social exchange, and don’t overthink it. If I hit on a good idea, I use it, but I don’t stress about it, or overspend or go to trouble for that person.

BerthaBlythe · 29/12/2021 22:10

Posted too soon! Meant to add that there are other things I have dropped over the years.

If you don’t want to host/buy gifts, or want to drop any other part of the Christmas burden, then suit yourself. But just be careful to think it through, and not cut off your nose to spite your face.

Anordinarymum · 29/12/2021 22:13

I wonder how many millions of pounds were wasted on presents thoughtfully bought but either unappreciated or inappropriate, unusable for any reason you can think of or bought to deliberately hurt someone's feelings this year.

FFS

Original poster
CharityDingle · 29/12/2021 22:17

@ChristmasRobins

They just tore through things and tossed them to one side. They literally threw things across the room declaring “No, not interested”. These are mid to older teens, not toddlers

I find this really shocking.

Yes, me too.
OP posts:
foxgoosefinch · 29/12/2021 22:18

@TwinkleTwinkleLittleStarFightr

I used to carefully plan, buy and wrap for SIL and her kids.

For the first time ever, last year I witnessed them unwrapping presents.

They just tore through things and tossed them to one side. They literally threw things across the room declaring “No, not interested”. These are mid to older teens, not toddlers.

Given they had no clue even who got which present, let alone who it was from, I decided this year that cash was the way to go.

Oh my, how awful!

My 13 y o niece is like that, I saw her open her birthday presents from me and another aunt fir the first time this year (all very nice inoffensive gifts, and I genuinely mean that, we’re talking lovely simple jewellery from expensive shops, Marc Jacobs perfume, etc.) — but I was staggered at how disinterested and offhand she was about the presents.

Obviously not everything is always to a teenager’s personal taste, but there is a difference between horrible gifts and perfectly nice gifts, even if they are not exactly what you would choose yourself. She looked like she’d been handed a bottled fart.

So rude!!! It’s vouchers from now on, but I feel like that display of ungratefulness deserves rather less in voucher denomination that I used to buy in presents, to be honest (eg., if I used to spend £40-50 on the presents, she’s getting £30 in vouchers. And if she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t have been so bad-mannered).

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 29/12/2021 22:19

The actual shock this year off people because I bought them the kind of crap they buy me and not the thoughtful gifts I usually buy.
It was wonderful watching them open them.
Merry Christmas 🎄

CoolShoeshine · 30/12/2021 05:30

I was a total mug who invested lots of time this year in considering the best gifts to buy, choosing and wrapping them for mine and DHs relatives. I was shocked and hurt at how little effort they had given into gifting to my family - it was basically biscuits galore! Everyone said that I buy lovely gifts but they have no idea what to get me so basically don’t bother. It’s not about the receiving of gifts it’s about being cared for and loved and thought about. I genuinely don’t think they give two hoots about me and my family, we are just a chore to them.
So glad to get that off my chest!! Cannot mention irl without sounding like a spoilt brat! Grin

Unreasonabubble · 30/12/2021 05:35

I live a simple life and I have learnt this as I have grown older (60).

Never expect anything and you will never be disappointed.

Always give ONLY what you can afford and you are happy to part with.

Giving is more pleasurable than receiving.

Echoesandsilence · 30/12/2021 06:11

I try to get my adult siblings and their partners something thoughful and useful.

I dont get anything in return from DB and SIL but they do by presents for my DC. He doesnt have DC. Overall I think this works out fairly.

My DSis and BIL - i bought them more expensive gifts than usual last year as we have more dispoable income than them and they are very good to us. We got the usual bath sets in return which was completely fine. I bought them thoughtful presents again this year and we got thoughtful presents in return. They weren't expected but are appreciated.

My DH - surprisingly this year he put very little thought into buying for me. Its the first time in 15 years and I felt very hurt. I'm not sure what I'll do there going forward.

Original poster
CharityDingle · 30/12/2021 09:03

She looked like she’d been handed a bottled fart. So rude!!! It’s vouchers from now on, but I feel like that display of ungratefulness deserves rather less in voucher denomination that I used to buy in presents, to be honest (eg., if I used to spend £40-50 on the presents, she’s getting £30 in vouchers. And if she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t have been so bad-mannered).

Have had the same with a sibling for a number of years. Last gift I gave her, she didn't even look at it, or ever mention it again.
So, voucher route from now on. (I must add, I like getting vouchers, personally).
And am not as generous as I have been in the past.

OP posts: